realn
06-09-13, 20:46
Hey guys, my names Saji and im 20 years old living in Tampa, Florida. I'm not too sure where to start, so I'll start here.
I was born on July 6, 1993. For the majority of my life, I have been a really likeable, fun, interesting person but more importantly...I've always been happy with the person that I am. I was runner up for homecoming king in high school, I played sports, I've always been pretty funny and goofy and what not...but I've slowly lost my personality and fallen into a deep depression over the past couple of months.
So after high school ended, I was supposed to go to community college...but a series of events happened where I ended up not being able to sign up for school. Regardless, for the next 2 years I lied to my parents about going to school while I actually wasn't, and take into consideration that I'm living at home. I did have a job though that kept me somewhat busy, and since last Decemeber I've been in the process of starting a high end clothing line with one of my best friends.
I slowly began to lose my personality and fall into this depression around May of this year. I had quit my job, I wasn't going to school, my clothing line was going through many tough obstacles so I wasn't able to work on it very often, and I started to see my few best friends less and less...so there would be days going by where I just sat in my room doing basically nothing all day other than surfing the internet. I smoked weed from time to time but that was obviously only a temporary fix. I think one of the big reasons this happened as well was my brother moving back in. I love my brother more than anything, but he's always been somewhat of a third parent to me. He's in medical school currently and he puts a lot of pressure on me to do well in school. My family was expecting me to go to university this year, when I hadn't even started community college. All the pressure of this big lie had got to me.
Regardless, I told them I had messed up in school and I wouldnt be able to transfer to USF till the end of this semester...so I could just hold off the lie a little longer until my clothing line starts to sell and I have enough money to move out if I have to.
Now I am back in school, I have a job at Chico's (old women's clothing store), and my clothing line is starting up...I'm planning to release it around November...but I have completely lost who I am and I'm so scared. I'm quiet all the time. I feel like I have nothing to talk about. At times I just feel completely emotionless. I don't talk to anyone in class, I only make small talk with the people at work...but its not like I don't feel like talking. I really just feel like I have nothing to say anymore and I can't hold a conversation. Even when I hang out with my two best friends I don't feel the same anymore...and they're some of the only people who know about my big lie and are even in a similar boat themselves. All I do is go to school, go to work, and come home so I feel like I have nothing to say. I try to keep a positive mind but it's really hard. I have nothing to be happy about and the only thing I look forward to is the release of my clothing line. I can't even hold a conversation with my mom anymore.
I remember the days when me and my girlfriend used to talk on the phone for 4 or 5 hours. When me and my friends would hang out, and do nothing but talk and goof around and have the best time ever still. I have no idea how to have fun. I've always been naturally smart, but I don't even feel smart anymore. I just feel like I've completely lost my personality, my sense of humor, and everything that has made me me the past 20 years and I don't know what to do. I don't know if its completely lost, if I just have to refind it or what. If theres anybody who can relate or give me a piece of advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
I was born on July 6, 1993. For the majority of my life, I have been a really likeable, fun, interesting person but more importantly...I've always been happy with the person that I am. I was runner up for homecoming king in high school, I played sports, I've always been pretty funny and goofy and what not...but I've slowly lost my personality and fallen into a deep depression over the past couple of months.
So after high school ended, I was supposed to go to community college...but a series of events happened where I ended up not being able to sign up for school. Regardless, for the next 2 years I lied to my parents about going to school while I actually wasn't, and take into consideration that I'm living at home. I did have a job though that kept me somewhat busy, and since last Decemeber I've been in the process of starting a high end clothing line with one of my best friends.
I slowly began to lose my personality and fall into this depression around May of this year. I had quit my job, I wasn't going to school, my clothing line was going through many tough obstacles so I wasn't able to work on it very often, and I started to see my few best friends less and less...so there would be days going by where I just sat in my room doing basically nothing all day other than surfing the internet. I smoked weed from time to time but that was obviously only a temporary fix. I think one of the big reasons this happened as well was my brother moving back in. I love my brother more than anything, but he's always been somewhat of a third parent to me. He's in medical school currently and he puts a lot of pressure on me to do well in school. My family was expecting me to go to university this year, when I hadn't even started community college. All the pressure of this big lie had got to me.
Regardless, I told them I had messed up in school and I wouldnt be able to transfer to USF till the end of this semester...so I could just hold off the lie a little longer until my clothing line starts to sell and I have enough money to move out if I have to.
Now I am back in school, I have a job at Chico's (old women's clothing store), and my clothing line is starting up...I'm planning to release it around November...but I have completely lost who I am and I'm so scared. I'm quiet all the time. I feel like I have nothing to talk about. At times I just feel completely emotionless. I don't talk to anyone in class, I only make small talk with the people at work...but its not like I don't feel like talking. I really just feel like I have nothing to say anymore and I can't hold a conversation. Even when I hang out with my two best friends I don't feel the same anymore...and they're some of the only people who know about my big lie and are even in a similar boat themselves. All I do is go to school, go to work, and come home so I feel like I have nothing to say. I try to keep a positive mind but it's really hard. I have nothing to be happy about and the only thing I look forward to is the release of my clothing line. I can't even hold a conversation with my mom anymore.
I remember the days when me and my girlfriend used to talk on the phone for 4 or 5 hours. When me and my friends would hang out, and do nothing but talk and goof around and have the best time ever still. I have no idea how to have fun. I've always been naturally smart, but I don't even feel smart anymore. I just feel like I've completely lost my personality, my sense of humor, and everything that has made me me the past 20 years and I don't know what to do. I don't know if its completely lost, if I just have to refind it or what. If theres anybody who can relate or give me a piece of advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.