need serious help please!

[realn]

Hey guys, my names Saji and im 20 years old living in Tampa, Florida. I'm not too sure where to start, so I'll start here.

I was born on July 6, 1993. For the majority of my life, I have been a really likeable, fun, interesting person but more importantly...I've always been happy with the person that I am. I was runner up for homecoming king in high school, I played sports, I've always been pretty funny and goofy and what not...but I've slowly lost my personality and fallen into a deep depression over the past couple of months.

So after high school ended, I was supposed to go to community college...but a series of events happened where I ended up not being able to sign up for school. Regardless, for the next 2 years I lied to my parents about going to school while I actually wasn't, and take into consideration that I'm living at home. I did have a job though that kept me somewhat busy, and since last Decemeber I've been in the process of starting a high end clothing line with one of my best friends.

I slowly began to lose my personality and fall into this depression around May of this year. I had quit my job, I wasn't going to school, my clothing line was going through many tough obstacles so I wasn't able to work on it very often, and I started to see my few best friends less and less...so there would be days going by where I just sat in my room doing basically nothing all day other than surfing the internet. I smoked weed from time to time but that was obviously only a temporary fix. I think one of the big reasons this happened as well was my brother moving back in. I love my brother more than anything, but he's always been somewhat of a third parent to me. He's in medical school currently and he puts a lot of pressure on me to do well in school. My family was expecting me to go to university this year, when I hadn't even started community college. All the pressure of this big lie had got to me.

Regardless, I told them I had messed up in school and I wouldnt be able to transfer to USF till the end of this semester...so I could just hold off the lie a little longer until my clothing line starts to sell and I have enough money to move out if I have to.

Now I am back in school, I have a job at Chico's (old women's clothing store), and my clothing line is starting up...I'm planning to release it around November...but I have completely lost who I am and I'm so scared. I'm quiet all the time. I feel like I have nothing to talk about. At times I just feel completely emotionless. I don't talk to anyone in class, I only make small talk with the people at work...but its not like I don't feel like talking. I really just feel like I have nothing to say anymore and I can't hold a conversation. Even when I hang out with my two best friends I don't feel the same anymore...and they're some of the only people who know about my big lie and are even in a similar boat themselves. All I do is go to school, go to work, and come home so I feel like I have nothing to say. I try to keep a positive mind but it's really hard. I have nothing to be happy about and the only thing I look forward to is the release of my clothing line. I can't even hold a conversation with my mom anymore.

I remember the days when me and my girlfriend used to talk on the phone for 4 or 5 hours. When me and my friends would hang out, and do nothing but talk and goof around and have the best time ever still. I have no idea how to have fun. I've always been naturally smart, but I don't even feel smart anymore. I just feel like I've completely lost my personality, my sense of humor, and everything that has made me me the past 20 years and I don't know what to do. I don't know if its completely lost, if I just have to refind it or what. If theres anybody who can relate or give me a piece of advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

[hanshan]

Hi Saji,

You sound like a smart, intelligent guy, who definitely has a personality. Maybe you can't talk about who you are to people, but you have put it all down in a pretty together fashion in this post.

I think a lot of people go through a phase around your age when they don't know exactly who they are, or what to think, feel or say in a particular situation (at least, I did). My take is that it's part of going from being a kid to being an adult. Being a kid in some ways is easier, but eventually you have to cross over that line.

I'd suggest that a first step might be to get honest with your parents. It might be hard, but you'll know where you stand.

Good luck.

[realn]

Thanks for your reply Hanshan. I really don't think thats a smart option as of right now, they may kick me out and I have no means of living on my own currently. Like I said, fashion is my honest passion...and with my clothing line releasing soon, I should have the funds to be living on my own in December when this semesters over...so I plan on telling them the truth then.

My real concern is myself right now. I don't understand how I got so deep into this state of being I'm in now. When I meet up with my friends the few times that I do now, I have nothing to talk about...we don't have fun anymore. I don't know how to joke around anymore. I've completely lost my sense of humor and my sense of who I am. It's like I have no opinions on anything and I don't feel knowledgable enough to speak on topics for too long and I have nothing going on in my personal life. A year ago, I could literally talk to anybody about anything. I wouldn't consider myself a social butterfly, I've always been a little more on the quiet side...but I definetely had no problem talking to anyone.

Even though the past 2 years I had lied about school, I still had a lot of confidence in myself and knew who I was but that's gone down the toilet these past couple months. I know I'm growing up, but does that mean I'm turning into a completely new person? I still have the same morals and a lot of the same interests. I play basketball, I'm a big fan of hip hop music, I enjoy playing video games...but its honestly like my personality is gone.

I know you may not have much other advice, I just feel completely lost. I'm planning on seeing a psychologist but I'm pretty low on funds as of now. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen though Hanshan.

[hanshan]

I'd see the psychologist if you can afford it. Does your school have a free counselling service? If you could go there, it would be easier on your funds.

Sometimes, particularly with creative work (and you said you are interested in creating a line of clothing), you really are sailing off into the unknown with no map. It can be scary at times. It might help if you can find a mentor or role model to help give you a sense of direction. A role model doesn't have to be someone you actually know. It can be someone you have read about who you find is inspirational.

[Ailean]

Travel out of America if you can. Try Europe even. If you can.........you have a great future......if you meet people from other societies....it may help. Identity is hard to find in the generation you are in now....and I see it and fear for it so often.....it should be a power to embrace others and celebrate the differences.....wish I could give you 'professional' help...all I have is a little experience.....:-)