disturbing thoughts

[losingmyself]

Hi all,
I'm new to the site so please bare with me. :)
So right now its late at night, and iv only just decided that I need some other peoples thoughts on my stomach turning, tear jerking thoughts.
I'm a mum of 2 and live in a nice 2 bed house in what would be the suburbs.
For a while now iv had majorly seriously disturbing thoughts.
They can vary from what if a spider crawls on my toes, to the most severe of thoughts, what if something happens to my children.
Tonight iv got into bed, partner is snoring away and iv turned over to analyse my day as I usually do...and as always sleep evades me.
Then out of no where....I cant believe I'm going to type this...a thought is thrown at me...what if my baby girl dies tonight??????? I was mortified my sub conscience could even think up such a thought!!!! I Google'd disturbing thoughts and came up with the 'follow the thought' idea that had been used by many CBT psychiatrists.
How...how could I even contemplate following that thought??? That wouldn't bring any good at all. Then images flashed in my head....my daughter of only 3 yrs laid naked on a morgue table lifeless...still... by this point im in fits of tears...then finally the image that made me run to her room and make sure she was ok and fish out her mat that attaches to her baby monitor...that monitors breathing and heart rate (tommee tippee baby suresound monitor)....was....her name...written in bold gold writting...on a black marble gravestone....thats it...thats where following that thought went.
Now my pillow Is soaking wet from my tears...im jumping up every second to check on my children....
Worst of all im sat here feeling like a complete nut case!!!
And im even sorry to say its not the 1st time iv had thoughts like these!!! Its vile....my stomach aches my heart aches....even though iv checked and I no shes ok! I cant live like this anymore....
I make appointments for mental help and then im just a name on a waiting list! Meanwhile this is an average day living in my head.
Please if anyone has any self help im willing to try anything...meanwhile im now curled up in a ball on the bottom of my girls bed, which I hope will eventually help me to sleep.

[AuntieMoosie]

Aww hun I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad.

It's no fun at all when we get those kinds of terrifying thoughts.

Hun try and repeatedly reassure yourself that these are only thoughts, they cannot hurt you and they cannot hurt your children.

What you're having sounds like obsessive thoughts and these typically come from our fears, so whatever we fear can make us have these obsessive thoughts.

As a Mum myself and as any parent on this earth would say, is that our biggest and most scariest thoughts are that of loosing our children, I know that they mere thought of it used to scare the living daylights out of me.

Somehow, we need to try and rationalize these thought so that we can accept them and not have them rule our lives.

Firstly, and most importantly, you need to go and see your doctor or whoever is helping you as there are many things that they can do to help you deal with these thoughts hun, you don't have to be suffering so badly like this.

In the meantime, do you like listening to music? or maybe reading, watching something lighthearted on TV or any hobbies?

As I think what might help you is to try and get yourself distracted from these thoughts, it's kind of like we have to break the cycle of them. It's not easy to do at times but it does work.

So instead of laying in bed, being hounded by these scary thoughts, break them up hun. Go and try to distract yourself by doing something that you enjoy. If the scary thoughts pop into your head, just keep telling yourself that they're only thoughts, no harm can come of them and then quickly distract yourself again.

Get people to help and support you too hun. Tell your hubby and everyone around you that you're suffering like this so as they can help you.

Try not to panic yourself with thinking that you're always going to suffer like this, because you're not hun, this is going to pass and you will get better and the thoughts will stop :)

Keep talking hun, there are always people here who will listen and support you and offer their advice, you're not alone hun :hugs: :bighug1: :hugs: :bighug1:

[Daisy Sue]

I agree - it's because you care so much, and your daughter is so precious. We all have fears about people we love, we're all scared that one day something might happen.. but 'normally' these fears are kept in perspective, and are just part of loving someone.

Anxiety heightens everything, from our senses, to our thoughts, and makes us think further into the 'what if..'

But that's all it is - anxiety.

Your daughter is fine, you know that, and you sound like a wonderful Mum.. if there was anything wrong, you'd deal with it appropriately.

Try and calm yourself down, tell the thoughts to go away, and replace them in your mind with happy images of your daughter.. laughing, playing, etc. The best way to counteract negative, is with positive.

x

[cassy1989]

Hi losingmyself, it definitely sounds like you have ocd in the form of intrusive thoughts. I suffer with this myself and I know how awful it is and how it can take over your life. I have had the worst intrusive thoughts possible but you have to try to remember the thoughts aren't welcome in your head, you do not enjoy them, ocd is an illness and sadly still quite a taboo subject especially in the form of intrusive thoughts. Please speak to your dr and tell them exactly what's been going on. And also if you would like to talk please message me xxx

[jackieann3]

I did post on here but seems to have gone x