New girl with harming thoughts about children=scared

[shieldmaiden]

Hi, I'm new. I'm an almost 22 yr old female who suffers from harm themed thoughts mostly for about the past 10 years. The subject matter of the thoughts have changed over the years. I remember it started out, mainly, as fears of harming my parents, then friends, then anybody really. Recently, well at least a year recently, the thoughts have hit an all time low, as if they hadn't already! So much so, that earlier this year I even contemplated suicide and then I finally went to see a therapist but I've recently had to stop seeing her because I don't have a job right now and I've recently moved into an apartment so I didn't have the money for the visits anymore. But I know that she would want me to reach out in any way that I knew I could, so I'm doing this because I know she'd want me to. So, getting to the point. This is really hard. I feel like a monster enough already. Well, in the last year, I got an intrusive thought/fear of what if I harm/kill a child/baby. I feel like over the past year the thoughts I get on this subject get worse. I ruminate on it all the time to make sure that I wouldn't actually want to do these things but what scares me the most is that when I get the thought, sometimes it feels like I want to do it and then I get even more scared because I know I shouldn't want to and I don't want to want to do such a thing, if that makes sense. I never used to feel this way before, in fact, I used to really like kids, now I can't even look at a child or baby without having to ruminate about whether or not I want to harm them. I just feel like the worst scum to walk the earth and I didn't even tell my therapist about these thoughts, I'm too scared to tell anybody because of how awful I feel about it. What could make me want to do such a thing? I just want to be able to see a child or a baby and feel love and good feelings like anybody else. If anyone could give me some words of advice or help or anything, that would be greatly appreciated, sorry this was so long winded.

[aggiecuttler]

Hello its horrid when we have thoughts we can not control, did your dr give you any meds at all, as these would help you, do you have a general dr who could help you with this? over here we have a GP who covers all aspect of our medical needs, and they cover depression, anxiety and panic, you are not alone in your feeling i remember having random feelings some years ago, i find my anti depressants keep me level now and without such thoughts popping into my head, good luck and see your general dr to discuss your issues blessings

[HunniBee]

Hi Shieldmadien,

You are definitely not alone at all! Please don't ever feel that way!

I have had the same thoughts & still do from time to time & mine are about children in my family & it makes me feel awful, like there is something completely wrong with me :( so much so that I avoid being around them on my own & I always make excuses if I get asked to baby sit as I am too scared, it's weird how much power a thought has on ya OCD sufferers!

I've been to my GP over it & he has changed my medication which I start next week so I'm hoping that takes the edge off of how I've been feeling lately.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me as I am happy to try & help however I can :)

HB xx

[butterflyx]

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

I too am suffering with all kinds of horrible thoughts. I am the same age as you.

What makes me feel worse is that I'm expecting a baby in December. I'm worried that I won't be able to carry out certain tasks and ill end up being deemed incapable of caring for her.

Pregnancy has seemed to make these thoughts worse. But deep down I know this is my OCD being cruel because I haven't felt like this constantly. It's on and off and can go away for months and months at a time. Mine also appears in different forms, just like yours. This is a key sign of OCD.

It really does take it out of you. I've been going through a particularly bad episode recently because my usual "googling to reassure myself" ritual, turned up something that I didn't like and set me off again. But it does get better, and you soon realise how ridiculous and irrational these thoughts are. If you seek reassurance too, you should set yourself a task - no googling! It really does just make you feel worse.

I hope my post has made you feel not as alone. You know you'd never hurt anyone deep down, and that is the main thing. This horrible disease can be very cruel and clever.

Take care now,
S
X

[shieldmaiden]

I just wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to read this and give me some really nice advice and encouragement. Sometimes it's nice not to feel so alone, but I wouldn't wish this suffering on anyone. My therapist did bring up the option of medication but wanted to just try helping me deal with it on my own first before I tried any medication. But since I've had to stop seeing her, I never got to get prescribed with anything. I know that once I get a job I'd like to probably see her again but until then I guess I'm just seeking help in any way that I can. These thoughts definitely have held me back in my life and still are. Because of them I've never gotten a driver's license and so, therefore, can't drive. It gets really embarrassing having to explain it to people. I even feel uncomfortable riding in the car. Because I constantly feel like I'm going to notice something that the driver doesn't and not tell them and cause some terrible accident. I know it wouldn't seem like this fear would have anything to do with the thoughts above but they do, because there could be a child in the car or whatever. I hope I'm making sense and not just rambling, I really hate describing my ocd thoughts because they never make sense. Like yesterday, I was in the car with a friend and we were at an intersection (intersections are the worst for me) and as he was about to go I thought I saw a car but I didn't say anything because I had a 'bad thought' but I realized it right away and felt horrible guilt afterwards but then I try to push it out of my mind but then I feel bad for repressing the guilt. This has become rather long winded but yeah, they all tie in together and they all make my life a living hell.