Infertility help plz

[Panic-child]

Hello,
Im presently trying to conceieve and have been on this journey for the past 3yrs . I just had an ivf done and it was a negative .
Ut feels like my whole world has come crashing down .
Im only 27 yrs old , and have been categorised as unexplained infertility .

Although my parents and husband are trying to be supportive it doesnt calm me down sufficiently .

Even a small situation gets me very very anxious and snappy . I feel so crazy .
I talk and tell myself i need to relax . But it lasts only for few hours .

I wish someone could tell me ways to cope with this anxiety to help me . If i cortinue this way i know ill destroy my relationship with my husband and parents eventually .

They seem to think im behaving this way like im throwing a tantrum . But the truth is im not able to get this anxiety and fear out of my head .

Please someone give me some ways to cope .

[Speranza]

Hi Sweetheart,
this is a really difficult situation and there is no catch-all way to cope. I would really recommend that you seek some in-person counselling because this will throw up all sorts of things and there's no substitute for some help on-hand to deal with stuff as it comes up.

However I do think that although it is really frustrating to be diagnosed with 'unexplained infertility' that does at least leave some room for hope.

However, as I understand it, that probably makes it even more difficult. If you had been told you have no chance, there wouldn't be that monthly wait and rising bubble of 'maybe this time'... My heart goes out to you.

Without knowing your situation I can't say much to help - you will already have submitted your diet and habits to micro-inspection I am sure.

Which leads me to the only thing I can offer - incredibly difficult though it is, I would try to switch your focus right off the baby issue for now. There are three reasons this comes to mind.

1) You need to work on your relationship with your husband. 'Trying to be supportive' over three years is hard for him. Remember, he is infertile too at the moment - maybe consciously switch your focus to you supporting him now - it's his turn, and he has been there for you.

2) If this is to be 'it' and you are not going to have kids, this is an unpleasant truth which you are going to have to accept sooner or later. Hard though it is, many people before you have faced it and coped - even adopted. Every day you rage against the unfairness is another day out of control in any way.

3) I believe statistically, the stress of trying for children can affect the likelihood of pregnancy happening. I remember many cases of people who gave up and adopted, only to fall pregnant.

Re-reading your post, I think you need to completely switch your focus - OFF you and onto the other people in your life. Tell them you are doing this, and that you will need support. If and when you are a mum, however that happens, you will realise that the very best parents put themselves last for a long time, so see it as good practise.

And don't give up. I am sure you are tired of hearing that 27 isn't that old - but it really isn't. My 27 year old daughter would love kids, but hasn't even been in an appropriate relationship for that to happen yet, so who knows if she can have children?

My other daughter was told at 14 that she can't have children - although they have since revised this opinion, we don't take it for granted. She raged at the world and fought depression but she is out the other side and confident that however it happens, she will be a mother one day.

Sending you much, much love and hoping you can break through this mental barrier and be there for the people who've been there for you.

Gill xxx

[Magic]

Panicchild,
What a good response from Speranza. She is spot on. Cannot add to thatxx

[ElizabethJane]

Hi I have had successful IVF at thirty six years old first attempt after eight and a half years of treatment. My son is now fifteen. Having fertility treatment is like being on a roller coaster. It is like jumping through hoops. All the steps in IVF and no doubt the tests and investigations are invasive and anxiety provoking. It will help for you to reduce your anxiety but it will not make you pregnant. We didn't have counselling whilst we had IVF but clinics in the UK do offer this. There are many websites where you will be able to get specific help. Fertility friends is one. I think that there were several things that helped me get pregnant apart from the IVF. I underwent a hypnosis study which helped immensely as through guided relaxation I was asked to visualise my womb and ovaries and to 'imagine' them pink and healthy. The other thing I was able to do was to try to let go the idea that I would ever get pregnant. I had come to the end of the road. The single cycle of IVF was to be ourlast attempt. There were to be no frozen attempts nothing.We put all of our eggs into one basket (literally)
Each time you have a failed treatment cycle it is like a bereavement and you should treat it as such. I had very little support from my husband throughout my treatment ( hard to believe now) He was not interested in me having a baby. Having a son and companion well it is a completely different story. PM me if it will help. EJ

[jillyb]

Just like to add that my niece, after trying for ages, had 2 children by IVF because she couldn't conceive naturally ( so she was told) then surprise, surprise found she was pregnant naturally. She now has 3 beautiful daughters. Don't give up hope because you just never know. Xxx

[cat85pink]

Hi

We have been trying to conceive 3 years, had all the tests done, and tried 7 cycles of Clomid we thought hubbys swimmers weren't great, we went to our iui referral and turns out hubbys not that bad and it can happen naturally!

We have been put on the NHS waiting list for IVF next year,

Over here in England we have counseling before IVF, I think it is very needed, as there have been times over the last 3 year's when I've been so heart broken, when you think youve tried for 41 cycles and never fallen pregnant you see why you feel down, and why you have to work at your relationship

The medicine in your IVF treatment messes with your hormones so go easy on yourself

Also the financial cost?

It's normal to feel the way you do, and I don't know how you cope, because it is a rollercoaster of emotion and never been sucessful you end up living in wait, wondering when you'll be pregnant,

I advise you to talk to a therapist, if you cant to maybes a girlfriend to get everything over the last few years off your chest, sometimes talking to your partner can be difficult as they are hurting too,

Im sorry your first IVF failed,

Don't give up, you've come so far

Xx

[Magic]

Yes, ivf is expensive. If I remember rightly my daughter had two treatments from NHS and paid for the other two. As three of the treatments failed it was devastating
for her and hubby as they wanted a child so much.
The forth attempt was successful, none of us could believe it.
Nothing has happened since, they would love another child, but if that happens
it would be nature itself ----Anyway we have a beautiful 5 year old granddaughter,
born when my daughter was 36 years old.

[suki300]

My sister was in a similar position to you. She had unexplained fertility and tried for a number of years. She believed there was something wrong and although she never really talked to me about it, I know it consumed her life. The day came when she sent off the blood samples (I think) as she started the IVF process and I'm certain the fact she gave up worrying about it as much, meant she relaxed a bit more and she became pregnant naturally. Then she fell pregnant when her first was three months old because she thought it would take a long time to become pregnant again.

My step aunt adopted and fell pregnant straight away. I think sometimes this is simply the case - When you're focussing on something so much - it just doesn't happen. That doesn't mean you can't get pregnant or it won't happen. So for me point 3 that Sperenza made seems to ring true for the people I've known.

My Grandmother took four years before she fell pregnant - then she had four children.

[ElizabethJane]

I think from my own personal experience that a myth is perpetuated by the fertile population that if you stop worrying about becoming pregnant then it will happen naturally. That is simply not the case in most people's experience including my own it is a lie. EJ

[suki300]

I think from my own personal experience that a myth is perpetuated by the fertile population that if you stop worrying about becoming pregnant then it will happen naturally. That is simply not the case in most people's experience including my own it is a lie. EJ

Not for all people that is true, but certainly for anyone I have known it is true. I don't think anyone is trying to belittle those who have fertility problems, but I'm sure for many people who thought they couldn't become pregnant (like my sister) that worrying about it for her was something that didn't help - although she simply didn't believe it at the time. Maybe you've spoken to a lot of other people with different experiences and you know from your own - I wasn't meaning to offend anyone.

[ElizabethJane]

Not for all people that is true, but certainly for anyone I have known it is true. I don't think anyone is trying to belittle those who have fertility problems, but I'm sure for many people who thought they couldn't become pregnant (like my sister) that worrying about it for her was something that didn't help - although she simply didn't believe it at the time. Maybe you've spoken to a lot of other people with different experiences and you know from your own - I wasn't meaning to offend anyone.

It might be different for people without a diagnosis or unexplained infertility. I have heard this so often and it hides the real pain of being infertile. For some people including myself needed IVF to have my son. Some will never become pregnant inspite of tests and treatment. To say that if they 'relax' it will happen is cruel. EJ