Enough Is Enough - I've Had It

[Edward_1980]

I just can't take it anymore. I'm going out of my mind. I'm only out of a manic episode, I'm having severe panic attacks, I've overdosed on sleeping pills last week and haven't slept for three days. I'm emotionally and especially burnt out. I'm crying my eyes out and shaking like a leaf.

What am I doing wrong? I didn't know what I was doing when I was manic and now I'm depressed, angry at life, severely anxious and humiliated with shame and guilt. I just want to shut off and stop the world turning.

This isn't self pity. I know the difference. What am I doing wrong?

I'm taking my medication, I'm up to date on my mood stabilizer injection, I'm working my butt of with my psychiatrist and even reading self help books on Panic, Bipolar, Borderline and Mindfulness.

Enough is enough.

[Kim51]

I just can't take it anymore. I'm going out of my mind. I'm only out of a manic episode, I'm having severe panic attacks, I've overdosed on sleeping pills last week and haven't slept for three days. I'm emotionally and especially burnt out. I'm crying my eyes out and shaking like a leaf.

What am I doing wrong? I didn't know what I was doing when I was manic and now I'm depressed, angry at life, severely anxious and humiliated with shame and guilt. I just want to shut off and stop the world turning.

This isn't self pity. I know the difference. What am I doing wrong?

I'm taking my medication, I'm up to date on my mood stabilizer injection, I'm working my butt of with my psychiatrist and even reading self help books on Panic, Bipolar, Borderline and Mindfulness.

Enough is enough.
Hi Edward I was wondering how you were today, I wish I could give you a big hug and take it all away, don't feel humiliated or guilty, you are going through a bad time and it is not your fault you didn't bring it on intentionally. Sometimes as hard as we work on it we have these blips, I wish we didn't.
Is Mark at home with you today? Is there something you could do together to distract you.
Thinking of you and sending loads of :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[bernie1977]

So sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I think a lot of this is down to lack of sleep. I used to get in terrible states when I couldn't sleep. I got so upset I was hysterical. You can only go without sleep for so long and your body surrenders, sleep will come.

Sending you lots of hugs :hugs:

[Anxious_gal]

If you haven't slept in 3 days then you should go to hospital where they can treat you for that.

[MRS STRESS ED]

aw sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:sounds like you got a lot going on in and lack of sleep will add to this really hope you start feeling better

[Fishmanpa]

I just can't take it anymore. Enough is enough.

Edward,

I've read your posts about your episode as well as a few others. First off I'm sorry you have to live the way you do. I truly can't imagine what it must be like but I can get a glimpse through your words and it's horrifying to say the least.

Taking into account your signature and your recent posts, it's my opinion that the hospital is where you need to be. Extreme intervention is needed to help you quell the thoughts and symptoms affecting you. You have a partner that cares for you and doctors that are truly concerned. You're right. "Enough is enough". Obviously, by your own words, you cannot do this on your own anymore.

In the US, we have procedures in place that allow a law enforcement official, judge or family member the power to admit a person to the hospital for help when they present a danger to themselves or others (see Baker Act). I don't know what the laws are in England but something must be done to help you as reading your words clearly indicates your distress and the severity of your situation.

These are only words on a screen and ultimately you must act to help yourself. If, in the cloud that is mental illness, you can see the logic of my words, then it's time you do so and seek the help you so desperately need.

Good luck, positive thoughts and prayers

[Edward_1980]

Guys,

First of all I want to thank you for your replies. I'm at the point now where my partner has had enough and is worried out of his mind. He is bringing me to A&E to see the Psychiatrist on call and hopefully I'll be admitted and get a rest. I want to thank you all for your concerns and I will certainly let ye all know what the next step will be. I've come to realize that something is seriously wrong and that I need help.

[jillyb]

I hope you feel better soon. I often read your posts ... You write wonderfully! What a miserable time you are having, but you have such strength that I am sure you will make a good recovery. Take good care xxx

[Barnabas75]

I hope you will be okay Edward.You are brave for going in for help.

[Edward_1980]

Hi guys,

Diagnosis

First of all I want to thank you all for the massive concern. It was very overwhelming to know that you all cared so much. I am just out of hospital since last night where I was stabilized from a Manic Episode and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It's a massive shock to tell the truth. I cried and cried and raged and got depressed, much like when I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. They often say that Personality Disorders run with each other, but I never in the bet of my life thought that I would be diagnosed as Manic Depressive along with the Borderline. Dr. Kirrane explained to me that what I experiences was Mania and a thing called "Mood storms", which she hasn't gone into detail on just yet. I had enough to deal with with the diagnoses. So, I'm Bipolar. Life goes on, but I'm going to need a lot of help.

Hospital

Hospital was OK. I got my own room so that I wouldn't be disturbed by the other patients. It was fairly quiet on Ash Ward apart from Isabella, a young Schizophrenic girl who kept screaming at the top of her lungs because she wanted to look different. I was ill when I first got in and phoned Australia, L.A and London a good amount of times so that I could keep up with the agitating and crippling urge to keep babbling. I phoned my Aunt Martha, Agnes and Anna. I don't think I made much sense to be honest. I just babbled and babbled until I switched moods and dropped the phone.

The dining room was pretty scary. I was quite intimidated by one nurse called Shaun. I seemed to get my back up whenever he was around. I just couldn't relax around him when he was in the so I skipped meals a few times and ate the fruit and juices that Mark brought me in.

I made one friend called Philomena who is also Bipolar and she told me stories of some of the things that she did when she was manic. I have to say that my Guinea Pig ideas were tame considering that she got a Taxi all around Dublin at 4am in the morning with Tinsel in her hair convinced that she was going to Xmas parties. I am going to miss her. Mark brought in my laptop and my Prisoner Cell Block H DVDs so that I had time to relax, but that wasn't going to happen. They had to sedate me and I can tell you, it was quite a hassle to get me to take Medication for the first two days. They brought in Dr. Kirrane from on call, who had a word with me. I suspect that she used her pull on me and got me to take them. She knows I worship and believe in everything she does.

Medication:

My medication has been tweaked a little to help me relax more. The Cymbalta has been upped to 90mg, the Seroquel 400mg and the Lyrica to 400mg. I'm on Diazepam 2mg twice daily for a week just to make sure that they kick in OK and I don't suffer any side effects. There is talk of me going back on Zyprexa in combination with Lithium to curb the wild episodes. I'm so scared of this to be honest. I never in my wildest imagination thought I would ever be on Lithium. Dr. Kirrane says that both Prozac and Lithuim together works great and that I will really see the benefits. I believe her.

Aftermath and Release:

I had a team meeting with Dr. Kirrane and her team (Dr. Natasha, Christine, Mark and the nurses on the ward) yesterday morning at 9am. We talked about Bipolar, Borderline, Depression and my views on them all. I held onto Mark's arm for extra emotional support because it was all a bit too much for me. They have held back my Mindfulness course because they believe me to be too unstable mood wise at the moment. I am, however, getting three visits a week from Christine and Mark is home for two weeks to see that nothing further happens. I was released into his care yesterday under Dr. Kirrane's orders and told that I could always go straight back into the hospital should anything go wrong now that I am back home. I'm numb right now. It's still sinking in, but Mark has been great.

I'm Bipolar. Really, that doesn't sound real when I type or say it. It's like it's after happening to someone else and I am just watching from another perspective. I have my work cut out for me dealing with this.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I may have upset with my incoherent ramblings. I can assure you that the acute Manic phase is well and truly over and done with and I hope that it never happens to me again. I want to thank Bernie who has been there for me all the way. I couldn't have asked for a better friend on the forum, so hugs to you girl.

:hugs::hugs:

[jillyb]

So glad to hear that you are home again. I'm sure you must have been upset with another diagnosis but hopefully the meds will settle you. Stephen Fry is bi-polar so you're in good company! Stay strong x

[Edward_1980]

What now, my friend? Heavy burden to be carrying. I'm not bitter or resentful to anyone, I'm just numb.