spiritofnow
24-10-06, 23:32
I think I am using these virtual spaces to purge! I guess that must be okay as it seems to help :-)
Had a bit of a rough night, but seemed to hold back a full blown attack. Still, it is uncomfortable feeling tense all night. I thought I would allow myself to have a rest from Uni work and just veg and watch the box. Happens that maybe I would have been better off studying. All that space and the internal dialogue started then I had the weird feelings of detachment and dark thoughts running through my mind. I am sick of being at the mercy of my unfiltered thoughts, sick of fighting with myself. I so want to feel safe in my own skin I know the time has come for me to address all of this by getting a diagnosis etc. Part of me is fearful of that - I don't want to be told that studying might not be the best thing for me right now - its what I want,choose to do! I also fear losing my partner - which is totally my anxiety, and I know what I would say to someone who said that. I guess it seems unfair that I have finally found happiness in my life and the panic has come back - I think of a future with him and that makes me feel anxious...Sorry I always write long ones, if anyone is reading this?24 years of panic on and off and I really don't want it anymore,why should I be imprisoned??
I was told once that sometimes when people with unresolved issues come to a place in their lives when they are quiet - not fighting. That all this stuff can raise up as your body is better equipped to deal with it? Sort of makes sense but is quite ironic :-(. I just don't wan't to feel so close to the edge at times, but instead feel some inner peace - boy if I had one wish that would be what it was! I want this life that I have to live to be as good as I can make it! I have come to the point where I know I need to be on my side, I need to support myself and take care of me. I hope that I can achieve what I wish for.....Total and absolute freedomfrom my past,and the tourment that I cause for myself. Please if the univesre is listening help me help myself!!!!!!!!!!!!
freeyourspirit
Had a bit of a rough night, but seemed to hold back a full blown attack. Still, it is uncomfortable feeling tense all night. I thought I would allow myself to have a rest from Uni work and just veg and watch the box. Happens that maybe I would have been better off studying. All that space and the internal dialogue started then I had the weird feelings of detachment and dark thoughts running through my mind. I am sick of being at the mercy of my unfiltered thoughts, sick of fighting with myself. I so want to feel safe in my own skin I know the time has come for me to address all of this by getting a diagnosis etc. Part of me is fearful of that - I don't want to be told that studying might not be the best thing for me right now - its what I want,choose to do! I also fear losing my partner - which is totally my anxiety, and I know what I would say to someone who said that. I guess it seems unfair that I have finally found happiness in my life and the panic has come back - I think of a future with him and that makes me feel anxious...Sorry I always write long ones, if anyone is reading this?24 years of panic on and off and I really don't want it anymore,why should I be imprisoned??
I was told once that sometimes when people with unresolved issues come to a place in their lives when they are quiet - not fighting. That all this stuff can raise up as your body is better equipped to deal with it? Sort of makes sense but is quite ironic :-(. I just don't wan't to feel so close to the edge at times, but instead feel some inner peace - boy if I had one wish that would be what it was! I want this life that I have to live to be as good as I can make it! I have come to the point where I know I need to be on my side, I need to support myself and take care of me. I hope that I can achieve what I wish for.....Total and absolute freedomfrom my past,and the tourment that I cause for myself. Please if the univesre is listening help me help myself!!!!!!!!!!!!
freeyourspirit