suki300
16-09-13, 11:49
I don't know where to begin, but all through my life I've had certain mental health issues. My worst phase was in my late teens, which I can only describe as hell, it ruined any chances of a career.
However, now at 37 I find myself feeling worthless and the only reason I carry on is because if I did something, I know the effect I it would have on my children - I simply couldn't put them through it.
I recently went to the Dr's organised for CBT and went to my first couple of sessions where they seemed to just emphasise how much I should turn up or else or else my sessions would be cancelled - that's all they seemed bothered about. So I felt so humiliated when I turned up and the councillor (or whatever they are) failed to because of a tyre. Not her fault, but I felt so embarrassed and stupid, I asked to see a different person. Each phonecall or message again emphasising the importance of ringing back or else they'd assume I'd no longer want to see them. The manager then embarressed me further because she rang when I couldn't talk and asked me lots of embarrassing questions and was very brusk.
Another appointment was organised, but as I left, I realised it was in a different location. To make matters worse, my first serious boyfriend is a Dr there and there was every chance I might bump into him, plus I couldn't find the place. By the time I rang to say I'd be late I was in such a state, I couldn't talk and just cancelled the appointment and the treatment.
But I'm not getting better. Plus, I don't know whether I've even got GAD. The more I look at adult adhd, the more I think that is me. I have serious problems with relationships (strangely not with my husband or kids), but for small things I frequently feel I could cut off all my relationships with my family, friends - I can't cope with them.
I have seriously underperformed in life, I can never stay in a job for more than a year in my whole life. It's not that I've ever been out of work, it just i cannot cope with the same thing. I am constantly late, because waiting around is unbearable and I find it so difficult to judge any task. i have to have a constant thing going on around me, I need distraction constantly and these repetative words are just in my head all the time. Namely that I want to kill myself or I'm useless (just over and over). It's the first thing I think of when I wake up, otherwise I worry that I am going to die.
No-one knows how I feel, but how can I simply just cut people off, how can I not cope with close relationships? People move away and I'm happy to cut them off dead. What is wrong with me - I am not a nice person, I am angry, unhappy and distructive. I haven't written half - but I'm sorry for the long post. I just wondered if anyone could relate to me.
However, now at 37 I find myself feeling worthless and the only reason I carry on is because if I did something, I know the effect I it would have on my children - I simply couldn't put them through it.
I recently went to the Dr's organised for CBT and went to my first couple of sessions where they seemed to just emphasise how much I should turn up or else or else my sessions would be cancelled - that's all they seemed bothered about. So I felt so humiliated when I turned up and the councillor (or whatever they are) failed to because of a tyre. Not her fault, but I felt so embarrassed and stupid, I asked to see a different person. Each phonecall or message again emphasising the importance of ringing back or else they'd assume I'd no longer want to see them. The manager then embarressed me further because she rang when I couldn't talk and asked me lots of embarrassing questions and was very brusk.
Another appointment was organised, but as I left, I realised it was in a different location. To make matters worse, my first serious boyfriend is a Dr there and there was every chance I might bump into him, plus I couldn't find the place. By the time I rang to say I'd be late I was in such a state, I couldn't talk and just cancelled the appointment and the treatment.
But I'm not getting better. Plus, I don't know whether I've even got GAD. The more I look at adult adhd, the more I think that is me. I have serious problems with relationships (strangely not with my husband or kids), but for small things I frequently feel I could cut off all my relationships with my family, friends - I can't cope with them.
I have seriously underperformed in life, I can never stay in a job for more than a year in my whole life. It's not that I've ever been out of work, it just i cannot cope with the same thing. I am constantly late, because waiting around is unbearable and I find it so difficult to judge any task. i have to have a constant thing going on around me, I need distraction constantly and these repetative words are just in my head all the time. Namely that I want to kill myself or I'm useless (just over and over). It's the first thing I think of when I wake up, otherwise I worry that I am going to die.
No-one knows how I feel, but how can I simply just cut people off, how can I not cope with close relationships? People move away and I'm happy to cut them off dead. What is wrong with me - I am not a nice person, I am angry, unhappy and distructive. I haven't written half - but I'm sorry for the long post. I just wondered if anyone could relate to me.