Just don't know what to say anymore

[cpe1978]

Hi All,

Sorry to moan, but I am even getting bored of myself now, god only knows what my wife must think!

I have suffered from anxety for a number of years. I am currently going through CBT and my therapist refers to it as a worry disorder. I must confess she is the first person who has explained it to me in a way that makes sense.

I have booked a doctor's appointment on Thursday, but honestly no longer even know what to say. I am so reluctant to take drugs having had a couple of periods on citalopram and then a recent unpleasant time on mirtazapine. I would love to exist drug free but just don't know if I can.

At the moment I am worried about (don't laugh):

* Slight back and side pain on the left that hurts when i bend and occasionally when i breath.
* Think I have noticed that my left testicle is smaller than the right (I have a cyst on top of it which has always made me a bit nervous about problems down there).
* Think my urine is very dark at various points of the day (others it is light) - I drink plenty of water.

Writing these down they just seem utterly innocuous symptoms, yet for me at the moment they are flashing like red flags of something drastic. I am embarrassed to even sit down at the doctors and end up trivialising and rambling and then leaving with nothing - i suppose in reality there is nothing sensible they can do.

I hate this so much and am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I am really trying to buy into CBT but if anything I think I am getting worse.

I genuinely feel for all of you who post on here and wish you all the very best with getting better.

Chris

[RosieXXX]

Hello Chris,

I know exactly how you feel, and so do all other health anxiety sufferers - i think it is such a debilitating mind torturing condition, and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am glad you have found this site; i don't think health anxiety is an easily understood condition, which can make you feel even more isolated, so it helps to know there are others who can relate to your suffering.

I think you may find cbt helpful - i had this therapy some years ago, and found i gained a better understanding of why i had had certain thought paterns, the more insight you can gain so much the better, because it can help you implement coping strategies.

Anxiety behaviours can be very addictive - self checking and googling in particular - it seems we are desperate for some reassurance, which doesn't last long, and ends up feeding the anxiety, and so it goes on in a vicious circle. I found by weaning myself off self checking etc. my anxiety levels dropped quite significantly, and i really do believe breaking the reassurance habit is key to managing health anxiety.

I hope you will be feeling better and stronger soon.

[cpe1978]

Thanks Rosie, I know that the answer lies inside us. I just struggle to find the right strategy to get there. Glad you have made some progress.

[virgin747]

Hi Chris. I'm in a similar position as you. Mid 40's and struggling with health anxiety. I'm undergoing CBT therapy at the moment, I've my 6th session on Thursday. I'm only know just beginning to understand what's been going on. Thoughts mixed with feelings, thinking to the extreme all the time. Irrational thinking. It's chronic and I hate it and I'm my own worst enemy. I'm on fluoxetine at 40mg along with nortriptyline 70mg.
I've got a great GP who understands me completely. I've been in and out of depression since I lost my mum about 12 years ago. Breast cancer at 57. That's how this all started.
I feel like my life is passing me bye and I'm worrying over nothing. The hardest thing for me is to stop googling and trust doctors, neurologists and therapists. I'm keen to know what's wrong with me but the thought of finding out what it is makes me more worried and anxious.

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know that there are others like you. So much so that in my local library I happened to notice the top 10 books which have been loaned out this month. The top 3 were all on depression, anxiety and worry.

If you want a good read then can I suggest "The Worry Cure: Stop worrying and start living" by Dr David Leahy. I'm only on page 96 but already its been helpful at understanding what's going on inside my head.

I've been dealing with chronic headaches for about 6 months now and have posted here because I'm worried its Lyme's disease or MS!! That's what the nortriptyline is for.

I hope you undertake the CBT and give it a chance, its not the cure but it might just help!

Cheers
Pete

[cpe1978]

Hi Pete,

Yes in many respects you and I seem very similar, I will look that book up. I think mine started out of the fact that I found out that my dad had renal cancer when he was 38 (just older than me). He was told he had six weeks left to live, which evidently was inaccurate as he has just had his 64th birthday! Finding that out gave me a sense of my own mortality and since then I have been riddled with just abut every terminal condition.

I know CBT won't be a cure, but I am treating it a bit like weight watchers. I see her every week or so for a weigh in but have to do the work in between,

Take care,

Chris