worried 101
17-09-13, 16:36
Hey guys,
I decided that a good way of maybe starting to recover from my depression and anxiety was to write it all out from the very start.Its a long story so here goes and I hope that I don't bore to many of you!
It all started when I was a very young child, my mum always said that I was a sensitive child and quieter than my sisters, more into writing 'quirky' stories and was a very naive child, always believed whatever people told me.
When I was young my mother got ill and was in and out of hospital a lot and it was up to my dad to look after us.
My dad was very strict with us, got angry at the slightest thing.My father is an extremely intelligent man, a doctor and a member of mensa, but he did not understand us as children, that we make mistakes, like spilling a drink or accidentally knocking things over and we would be smacked or shouted at.
This made me feel on edge all the time, like I had to be perfect and never put a foot wrong, always scared that I never knew when the next thing he would get angry over.
Even when my mum got better, if she would have to go anywhere I would be scared being left on my own with him. I have to stress that he never hit us or anything terrible, and he would be heart broken if he knew the effects that he had on me as I really dont think he was aware that his parenting skills weren't what i would call right. He is a lot better now that we have grown up and understand us a lot better.
Throughout my primary school years I was very upset when being away from my mum, think this was due to separation anxiety from all the time that she spent in hospital.
When I was 8 years old I was at a friends house and we were on a chat site(its was far to old for us and we shouldn't have been on it, but we were 8 and didn’t really think anything of it and just thought it was harmless fun.)
One time we were talking to someone and pretended we were really old(like 80 and said we liked knitiing...ah dunno just dumb stuff.)as we chatted we told them our real ages. They asked if we wanted to see a picture of them,we said OK.
This was a huge mistake.
The pictures they sent were very sexual and was of a homosexual nature, tbh i wont describe what I saw and alot of i i blocked from my memory. My sister and her friend were also at my friends house and they all just laghed and blocked it from view.
But for me it was like a switch had gone in my head , I couldnt handle what I had seen, I had obviously as an 8 year old never seen anything like that.
After this I felt guilty and anxious about everything and spent alot of time crying. I eventually told my mum and she was very supportive.
The guilt got so bad that even if I thought something like..'that person looks fat.' I would be overcome with guilt and had to tell my mum everything.I would often wake her every night to tell her something I thought I had said but actually never had.
My my late teens I developed several OCDs, such as praying, hand washing etc.I sort of learnt to just live with my issues rather than ever facing up to them, learnt to hide them. I carried on at school, had a boyfriend and a wonderful set of friends.
I began working and I begun to fall for someone at my work, the things was he was married and has children.I knew he was o happy with his marriage and had not been for along time, they had tried counselling etc but it was just not working and he only stayed with her for the sake of their children.
We got alot closer and I realised that i shouldnt be with my boyfriend when I was having these feelings.In short i split up from my boyfriend and after some time he slpit from his wife, though it was the hardest thing he ever did as he is such a devoted father to his daughters, but knew being ina destructive relationship was no good for anyone.
Long story short after some time we got together and have been together for 3 and half years. My partner was the first person that ever really made me confront my problems, I was very anxious about our relationship and did take me a long time to settle into it.
I saw a doctor and basically broke down and said I needed help, they gave me prozac, but didn't feel that helped a lot, so they put me on citalopram, which helped alot better and my anxities were loads better.
After 2 and a half years I decided to start coming of my citalopram as my partner and I had decided we wpuld like to try for a baby. However I did not respong well to coming off it and had to go back on.
My boyfriend got some pretty bad news about his health (heart problem) and we were due to go camping and got stuck in some traffic and he got mad and shouted half at me but more at the situation...was like 'well this is a great holiday isnt it?!'
hes never ever shouted before and when we got there apologised but still distant the next day. Hardly bad behaviour considering his news eh?! Jesus i would have been so much worse and i do not blame him in the slightest for being distant and not himself.
but straight away i felt this anxiety and this worry about what if it carried on like this.. him being distant....what if we didn’t work... the usual that people on this thread feel.
I felt awful as its hardly like hes done anything wrong...ive been going through other anxieties as well as this and depression and hes had his stuff and we had been feeling pretty down and not that close and thats just added to my anxiety.
Any way this was all still playing on my mind, we went on holiday with his girls, holidays has always been a stressful time for me and I couldn’t cope and ended up having to come home.
I spent the week at my parents in a complete mess, the worst I have ever been in my life, I couldn’t eat I felt like my whole life was falling apart. In the end I phoned the crisis team who told me to see my GP I was so bad that I had to be put in a separate room from the other patients. My mum and boyfriend came with me and the doctor got the rapid response team to see me, I confessed I felt like I wasn’t safe anymore and couldn’t handle my emotions. My mum and partner said they were at the point where they couldn’t leave me alone anymore.
I am now on a different medication and am seen by nurses every other day to check up on me. My anxieties are still really bad and centre around my relationship a lot as this is the most important thing to me, and I do really love my partner. He has been amazing through all of this and a couple of months before this I was wanting his babies and couldn’t wait for him to propose, but now that little voice is trying to make me think bad things.
I have been staying between my mums house and my own as at the moment I don’t feel strong enough to see his children as don’t want to upset them as cant handle my emotions at the moment. When I go to my proper house it sort of feels weird like im sort of an alien that isn’t supposed to be there.Its a horrible feeling, that my life feels like it has been turned upside down in such little time. The only time I calm down is when im around my mum/partner, but equally can get as nervous and anxious as they are the most important people to me.
I just wish I could go back to living my life the way I had been, im so fed up and everyone says that it will go but I just don’t feel it will. I’m scared all the time and just feel that I want to burst into tears. I thought maybe if I write all my feeling down then it might be good therapy. Even if no one replies to this I feel a bit better in getting control of all my feelings. If anyone has actually sat through all this thank you and hope my ramblings weren’t to boring!
I decided that a good way of maybe starting to recover from my depression and anxiety was to write it all out from the very start.Its a long story so here goes and I hope that I don't bore to many of you!
It all started when I was a very young child, my mum always said that I was a sensitive child and quieter than my sisters, more into writing 'quirky' stories and was a very naive child, always believed whatever people told me.
When I was young my mother got ill and was in and out of hospital a lot and it was up to my dad to look after us.
My dad was very strict with us, got angry at the slightest thing.My father is an extremely intelligent man, a doctor and a member of mensa, but he did not understand us as children, that we make mistakes, like spilling a drink or accidentally knocking things over and we would be smacked or shouted at.
This made me feel on edge all the time, like I had to be perfect and never put a foot wrong, always scared that I never knew when the next thing he would get angry over.
Even when my mum got better, if she would have to go anywhere I would be scared being left on my own with him. I have to stress that he never hit us or anything terrible, and he would be heart broken if he knew the effects that he had on me as I really dont think he was aware that his parenting skills weren't what i would call right. He is a lot better now that we have grown up and understand us a lot better.
Throughout my primary school years I was very upset when being away from my mum, think this was due to separation anxiety from all the time that she spent in hospital.
When I was 8 years old I was at a friends house and we were on a chat site(its was far to old for us and we shouldn't have been on it, but we were 8 and didn’t really think anything of it and just thought it was harmless fun.)
One time we were talking to someone and pretended we were really old(like 80 and said we liked knitiing...ah dunno just dumb stuff.)as we chatted we told them our real ages. They asked if we wanted to see a picture of them,we said OK.
This was a huge mistake.
The pictures they sent were very sexual and was of a homosexual nature, tbh i wont describe what I saw and alot of i i blocked from my memory. My sister and her friend were also at my friends house and they all just laghed and blocked it from view.
But for me it was like a switch had gone in my head , I couldnt handle what I had seen, I had obviously as an 8 year old never seen anything like that.
After this I felt guilty and anxious about everything and spent alot of time crying. I eventually told my mum and she was very supportive.
The guilt got so bad that even if I thought something like..'that person looks fat.' I would be overcome with guilt and had to tell my mum everything.I would often wake her every night to tell her something I thought I had said but actually never had.
My my late teens I developed several OCDs, such as praying, hand washing etc.I sort of learnt to just live with my issues rather than ever facing up to them, learnt to hide them. I carried on at school, had a boyfriend and a wonderful set of friends.
I began working and I begun to fall for someone at my work, the things was he was married and has children.I knew he was o happy with his marriage and had not been for along time, they had tried counselling etc but it was just not working and he only stayed with her for the sake of their children.
We got alot closer and I realised that i shouldnt be with my boyfriend when I was having these feelings.In short i split up from my boyfriend and after some time he slpit from his wife, though it was the hardest thing he ever did as he is such a devoted father to his daughters, but knew being ina destructive relationship was no good for anyone.
Long story short after some time we got together and have been together for 3 and half years. My partner was the first person that ever really made me confront my problems, I was very anxious about our relationship and did take me a long time to settle into it.
I saw a doctor and basically broke down and said I needed help, they gave me prozac, but didn't feel that helped a lot, so they put me on citalopram, which helped alot better and my anxities were loads better.
After 2 and a half years I decided to start coming of my citalopram as my partner and I had decided we wpuld like to try for a baby. However I did not respong well to coming off it and had to go back on.
My boyfriend got some pretty bad news about his health (heart problem) and we were due to go camping and got stuck in some traffic and he got mad and shouted half at me but more at the situation...was like 'well this is a great holiday isnt it?!'
hes never ever shouted before and when we got there apologised but still distant the next day. Hardly bad behaviour considering his news eh?! Jesus i would have been so much worse and i do not blame him in the slightest for being distant and not himself.
but straight away i felt this anxiety and this worry about what if it carried on like this.. him being distant....what if we didn’t work... the usual that people on this thread feel.
I felt awful as its hardly like hes done anything wrong...ive been going through other anxieties as well as this and depression and hes had his stuff and we had been feeling pretty down and not that close and thats just added to my anxiety.
Any way this was all still playing on my mind, we went on holiday with his girls, holidays has always been a stressful time for me and I couldn’t cope and ended up having to come home.
I spent the week at my parents in a complete mess, the worst I have ever been in my life, I couldn’t eat I felt like my whole life was falling apart. In the end I phoned the crisis team who told me to see my GP I was so bad that I had to be put in a separate room from the other patients. My mum and boyfriend came with me and the doctor got the rapid response team to see me, I confessed I felt like I wasn’t safe anymore and couldn’t handle my emotions. My mum and partner said they were at the point where they couldn’t leave me alone anymore.
I am now on a different medication and am seen by nurses every other day to check up on me. My anxieties are still really bad and centre around my relationship a lot as this is the most important thing to me, and I do really love my partner. He has been amazing through all of this and a couple of months before this I was wanting his babies and couldn’t wait for him to propose, but now that little voice is trying to make me think bad things.
I have been staying between my mums house and my own as at the moment I don’t feel strong enough to see his children as don’t want to upset them as cant handle my emotions at the moment. When I go to my proper house it sort of feels weird like im sort of an alien that isn’t supposed to be there.Its a horrible feeling, that my life feels like it has been turned upside down in such little time. The only time I calm down is when im around my mum/partner, but equally can get as nervous and anxious as they are the most important people to me.
I just wish I could go back to living my life the way I had been, im so fed up and everyone says that it will go but I just don’t feel it will. I’m scared all the time and just feel that I want to burst into tears. I thought maybe if I write all my feeling down then it might be good therapy. Even if no one replies to this I feel a bit better in getting control of all my feelings. If anyone has actually sat through all this thank you and hope my ramblings weren’t to boring!