View Full Version : anyone know how to make a 5 year old go to school
since going back to school after the six week hol. my child as been so upset and anxious/worried.. even to the point that he,s loosing his breath. my child just won,t go. my other child who is 7 is ok. but it,s making me ill. i,ve been up the school seen his teacher & the head. and also my child says he don,t like a lesson & someone his bullying him. as i said i have been up the school about this but his so isterical everymorning. my mum has to take & fetch them to & from school because i work but on a few occasions i,ve had to leave earlie. & he still won,t attempt going.
Could you not try changing his school?
I honestly don't know what I'd do in this situation as he has said he is being bullied but if it were simply a case of missing Mam, I would throw him some tough love.
Could you not maybe take a week's holiday and then take and collect him from School so he feels more secure?
Does he have any friends at school? Maybe if you could invite them for a sleepover or for tea? if he gets closer to his friends he may feel more secure at school.
AuntieMoosie
19-09-13, 14:34
This is a tough one for sure.
My Son, now grown up, absolutely hated school and everything about it and we went through hell throughout much of his school life.
My Son would take his uniform off as I tried to dress him in the morning!!!! then I'd have to literally carry him up to the school sometimes, when we got there, his teacher would have to peel him off of me!!!!!
Whatever you do though, make sure that you make your Son go, I know it's really hard, my Son used to beg and plead with me not to send him, but I just explained that it wasn't a choice we could make, and that some things in life we just have to do, and going to school is one of them :)
Take what he's telling you about alleged problems in school with a pinch of salt too, my Son used to tell me of all sorts of dreadful things that he alleged was happening to him, from being bullied to being picked on by the teacher, no body liked him, he sat on the bench in the playground all by himself at playtime, he was ill, and a whole host of other things!! :wacko:
When I went into the school to chat with his teacher, she told me that none of it was true, he had lots of friends and was never seen sitting by himself at any playtime.
She also told me, and this is the interesting bit, that as soon as I'd left the school, he would be just fine, happy and able to function well within the school with no problems, she said he was always really helpful and kind and he would be the first one to offer help of any sort :)
So the endless dramas that we had, were, in effect, all a little play for me, he was just trying to push me to see how far I'd go before giving in, but it never happened because I never gave in. Believe me, there was many a day, especially if I wasn't feeling good myself, where I could have so easily said "okay, stay at home with me then" but once you go down that road, the situation will then go from bad to worse :)
I would advise you to pop into the school and have a chat with his teacher and find out the real story and how he really is when he's in school. Obviously bullying has to be taken seriously, but I would just let his teacher know that he has mentioned this and see what they say, they can always keep a close eye on him during play times just to double check that all is well :)
Work in conjunction with the school, I found it helpful and supportive to have the school helping me with it too :hugs:
It's a difficult one.. you have to put on your psychologist's hat at times like this with kids.. Does your older child go to the same school, and if so, do they share a playground? If they do, then maybe you could enlist the help of your 7 yr old to watch out for the younger one for a week or so, just so he/she can report back to you if there's anyone causing trouble.
As much as kids will invent absolutely anything to get off school, including tales of bullying, I think we have to take those claims seriously until they've been proved unfounded. Maybe you could talk to the mentor team at the school - most schools have appointed staff these days - and see if someone can sit in a couple of lessons with your son, especially the class he doesn't like.
Five years of age is quite young to be experiencing proper bullying, unless it's from an older child - I'd try and talk to him and see exactly what he means by 'bullying', or get him to draw pictures of something bad that's happened at school.
Also, make sure he knows he has people he can go to, talk to, if he feels sad or upset.
Good luck!
Just a little story to explain my experience of this.My son at 5 (NOW 37) loved school but comming up to his 6th birthday he became more and more distressed about going to school he cried, he pleaded, he broke my heart.No matter what I did he was heart broken about going to school until he came home on the night of his birthday.Full of joy and smiles again and said...Mummy she told me what to say...It turned out that on a childs birthday they were invited to stand at the front of the class..wished happy birthday by everyone and then had to say..Thankyou boys and girls...The piont I am making is it was such a simple problem to sort but he was too young to be able to put into words how he felt...often young children don't have the words or even understand themselves whats wrong so how can they tell you.....you just have to put your Miss Marple hat on.It may be something small to us but HUGE to a young child....good luck
This is a tough one for sure.
My Son, now grown up, absolutely hated school and everything about it and we went through hell throughout much of his school life.
My Son would take his uniform off as I tried to dress him in the morning!!!! then I'd have to literally carry him up to the school sometimes, when we got there, his teacher would have to peel him off of me!!!!!
Whatever you do though, make sure that you make your Son go, I know it's really hard, my Son used to beg and plead with me not to send him, but I just explained that it wasn't a choice we could make, and that some things in life we just have to do, and going to school is one of them :)
Take what he's telling you about alleged problems in school with a pinch of salt too, my Son used to tell me of all sorts of dreadful things that he alleged was happening to him, from being bullied to being picked on by the teacher, no body liked him, he sat on the bench in the playground all by himself at playtime, he was ill, and a whole host of other things!! :wacko:
I hated school and suffered a lot with anxiety... can still remember that feeling of dread even as a very young child and it only got worse in secondary school. Every small detail from who I had to sit next to, visting the loos, having to speak in class... absolutely everything caused me anxiety and even in my late 20s now I can still remember it and vividly recreate those feelings of anxiety by doing so.
Hence I can not understand the attitude of parents who take the route of forcing children to go to school come hell or high water. What other aspect of life would it be acceptable to force someone to do something against their will every day for years on end? This article sums it up perfectly for me : http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/who_wouldnt_be_school_phobic
I know every child and situation is different but I would say it is very important to find out WHY the refusal to go is happening. Bullying can be very subtle and teachers may not notice. There could be something else making the child scared to leave home, etc. Most likely it is a very simple problem that can easily be fixed with a bit of extra support, but to dismiss it out of hand as attention seeking or whatever is a bit risky I think.
edit:
oh and it IS a choice. Parents can withdraw their children from school, find a school more suited to the child, home school... etc.
AuntieMoosie
19-09-13, 19:55
I hated school and suffered a lot with anxiety... can still remember that feeling of dread even as a very young child and it only got worse in secondary school. Every small detail from who I had to sit next to, visting the loos, having to speak in class... absolutely everything caused me anxiety and even in my late 20s now I can still remember it and vividly recreate those feelings of anxiety by doing so.
Hence I can not understand the attitude of parents who take the route of forcing children to go to school come hell or high water. What other aspect of life would it be acceptable to force someone to do something against their will every day for years on end? This article sums it up perfectly for me : http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/who_wouldnt_be_school_phobic
I know every child and situation is different but I would say it is very important to find out WHY the refusal to go is happening. Bullying can be very subtle and teachers may not notice. There could be something else making the child scared to leave home, etc. Most likely it is a very simple problem that can easily be fixed with a bit of extra support, but to dismiss it out of hand as attention seeking or whatever is a bit risky I think.
edit:
oh and it IS a choice. Parents can withdraw their children from school, find a school more suited to the child, home school... etc.
Whilst I agree and understand fully what you're saying, as I too, wasn't happy at school either, but to just remove a child from school, I really don't think is the right way to go, but this is purely my opinion and my feelings on it :)
How many schools could your child up up having to keep starting for each time you decide to change schools?? Of course I accept that there are bad schools out there, but to be honest, I think they're very few and far between now as they are stringently tested now.
If I'd been moved from school to school, that would have made me 100 times worse, I didn't like change of any form as a child, so doing that to me would have been petrifying. I also know, hand on heart, that doing that to my Son would have made the whole situation a nightmare.
Home schooling is fine, for if you're able to do that and do it properly, I believe there are pretty strict rules regarding going down that route too, you have to be able to prove to a visiting educational officer, that you are, indeed giving your child a proper education. Also with many Mums being out to work now, this would be impossible for them to be able to do. I would never had chosen to go down that route, there's a whole lot more to that than you may think.
Also what does it teach a child about life if everything that they don't like doing, means that they can just not do it???
I understand anxiety more than you'll probably ever know, I suffered with it badly as a child too, but I was always encouraged and supported to do lots of different things and experience many things in life and, no, I didn't like doing many of them, but I can tell you now, I'm so glad that I was encouraged to do that, I would have been thousands of times worse today if I hadn't done that.
To remove a child from a place that is making them anxious is not my way of dealing with it, as I've said before, this is only my opinion though and there will be many differing ones, but to my mind, what you'd be doing would be to teach that child that they ought to run away and stay away from anything that they're fearful of, in some circumstances that would probably be right in reference to child safety, which is a different ball game altogether, but removing them from normal situations because they're fearful is just teaching them the avoidance trick, which is a bad road to go down.
I think the best way of dealing with it is to try to get to the route of the problem, though there may not even be one, nothing bad happened to me at school, neither did it to my Son, but we were both still fearful.
I choose to work closely with the school and with my Sons teachers who I found extremely helpful, thankfully, he was in good schools so I was able to do this.
In the end I didn't and he didn't ever really like school, but it did get better and I'm still glad that I had that experience and then gave that experience to my Son, who's now able to more or less do anything that he chooses, even last year, flying for the first time and totally on his own :yesyes: I would never be able to do that myself, but he did even though he was very frightened. :)
:hugs:
Oh fruity I feel you pain
I have an 8 year old and even now at the start of every term I have problems, with tears and tantrums! It might sound harsh but as he's got older I've just completely ignored it and on a couple of occasions punished him by way of taking games consoles and things away.
When he first started school I was a lot more understanding and patience because it was new, now I tend to think he's older and wiser, old enough to know he has to go to school and whilst I can understand him being nervous for the first few days I don't tolerate it beyond that.
Going back to when he started he used to scream, lay on the pavement, take his uniform off, make himself sick you name it.
I can't give you any advice that will cure it overnight but just to say it will get better. The one thing that did seem to really help my son was finding a friend to walk to school with. We were lucky enough to live in the next street to one of the little boys in his class and used to meet him at the end of the road with his mum. He still got teary but within a couple of weeks they were running along the road together.
It is so hard and I really feel for you because you feel so helpless, after all they have to go so there is nothing you can do.
Just keep reassuring him and working with the school, they are used to it and it will resolve itself over time. If there is a bullying issue then the school need to be keeping a close eye on it, but my son also used to say this, problem with my son was I don't think it was so much bullying but kids being kids and my son is a sensitive soul who takes everything to heart. Most kids probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid but it only took a kid saying "I'm not your friend today" and he was off with the tears!
I really hope your little boy feels better soon, it's not only traumatic for him but awful for you. x
Could you not try changing his school?
I honestly don't know what I'd do in this situation as he has said he is being bullied but if it were simply a case of missing Mam, I would throw him some tough love.
Could you not maybe take a week's holiday and then take and collect him from School so he feels more secure?
Kee kee. Yes I truly believe he's missing me. It's heartbreaking.
---------- Post added at 20:35 ---------- Previous post was at 20:32 ----------
Annie. Apparently he as got loads of friends his teacher as said. I can't get my head around it
Is he okay after you have left him? My son cried all the time when I left him at school but as soon as I was gone he was fine. My daughter in her first term at school spent the whole morning at school crying and all afternoon sleeping :( After the first term, she went no problem and grew to love school. I think she decided well no matter how much I cry I am going to have to stay so I may as well enjoy it!
This is a tough one for sure.
My Son, now grown up, absolutely hated school and everything about it and we went through hell throughout much of his school life.
My Son would take his uniform off as I tried to dress him in the morning!!!! then I'd have to literally carry him up to the school sometimes, when we got there, his teacher would have to peel him off of me!!!!!
Whatever you do though, make sure that you make your Son go, I know it's really hard, my Son used to beg and plead with me not to send him, but I just explained that it wasn't a choice we could make, and that some things in life we just have to do, and going to school is one of them :)
Take what he's telling you about alleged problems in school with a pinch of salt too, my Son used to tell me of all sorts of dreadful things that he alleged was happening to him, from being bullied to being picked on by the teacher, no body liked him, he sat on the bench in the playground all by himself at playtime, he was ill, and a whole host of other things!! :wacko:
When I went into the school to chat with his teacher, she told me that none of it was true, he had lots of friends and was never seen sitting by himself at any playtime.
She also told me, and this is the interesting bit, that as soon as I'd left the school, he would be just fine, happy and able to function well within the school with no problems, she said he was always really helpful and kind and he would be the first one to offer help of any sort :)
So the endless dramas that we had, were, in effect, all a little play for me, he was just trying to push me to see how far I'd go before giving in, but it never happened because I never gave in. Believe me, there was many a day, especially if I wasn't feeling good myself, where I could have so easily said "okay, stay at home with me then" but once you go down that road, the situation will then go from bad to worse :)
I would advise you to pop into the school and have a chat with his teacher and find out the real story and how he really is when he's in school. Obviously bullying has to be taken seriously, but I would just let his teacher know that he has mentioned this and see what they say, they can always keep a close eye on him during play times just to double check that all is well :)
Work in conjunction with the school, I found it helpful and supportive to have the school helping me with it too :hugs:
auntiemoose. my son is exactly the same. it,s true what you say.
---------- Post added at 12:46 ---------- Previous post was at 12:37 ----------
I hated school and suffered a lot with anxiety... can still remember that feeling of dread even as a very young child and it only got worse in secondary school. Every small detail from who I had to sit next to, visting the loos, having to speak in class... absolutely everything caused me anxiety and even in my late 20s now I can still remember it and vividly recreate those feelings of anxiety by doing so.
Hence I can not understand the attitude of parents who take the route of forcing children to go to school come hell or high water. What other aspect of life would it be acceptable to force someone to do something against their will every day for years on end? This article sums it up perfectly for me : http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/who_wouldnt_be_school_phobic
I know every child and situation is different but I would say it is very important to find out WHY the refusal to go is happening. Bullying can be very subtle and teachers may not notice. There could be something else making the child scared to leave home, etc. Most likely it is a very simple problem that can easily be fixed with a bit of extra support, but to dismiss it out of hand as attention seeking or whatever is a bit risky I think.
edit:
oh and it IS a choice. Parents can withdraw their children from school, find a school more suited to the child, home school... etc.
yenhoo. very interesting. thank you. too be honest i thought about homeschooling. but i do want him to mix. thank you.
---------- Post added at 12:50 ---------- Previous post was at 12:46 ----------
Just a little story to explain my experience of this.My son at 5 (NOW 37) loved school but comming up to his 6th birthday he became more and more distressed about going to school he cried, he pleaded, he broke my heart.No matter what I did he was heart broken about going to school until he came home on the night of his birthday.Full of joy and smiles again and said...Mummy she told me what to say...It turned out that on a childs birthday they were invited to stand at the front of the class..wished happy birthday by everyone and then had to say..Thankyou boys and girls...The piont I am making is it was such a simple problem to sort but he was too young to be able to put into words how he felt...often young children don't have the words or even understand themselves whats wrong so how can they tell you.....you just have to put your Miss Marple hat on.It may be something small to us but HUGE to a young child....good luck
oncehappy. thank you i will have to play miss marple i think yes.
---------- Post added at 12:56 ---------- Previous post was at 12:50 ----------
Oh fruity I feel you pain
I have an 8 year old and even now at the start of every term I have problems, with tears and tantrums! It might sound harsh but as he's got older I've just completely ignored it and on a couple of occasions punished him by way of taking games consoles and things away.
When he first started school I was a lot more understanding and patience because it was new, now I tend to think he's older and wiser, old enough to know he has to go to school and whilst I can understand him being nervous for the first few days I don't tolerate it beyond that.
Going back to when he started he used to scream, lay on the pavement, take his uniform off, make himself sick you name it.
I can't give you any advice that will cure it overnight but just to say it will get better. The one thing that did seem to really help my son was finding a friend to walk to school with. We were lucky enough to live in the next street to one of the little boys in his class and used to meet him at the end of the road with his mum. He still got teary but within a couple of weeks they were running along the road together.
It is so hard and I really feel for you because you feel so helpless, after all they have to go so there is nothing you can do.
Just keep reassuring him and working with the school, they are used to it and it will resolve itself over time. If there is a bullying issue then the school need to be keeping a close eye on it, but my son also used to say this, problem with my son was I don't think it was so much bullying but kids being kids and my son is a sensitive soul who takes everything to heart. Most kids probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid but it only took a kid saying "I'm not your friend today" and he was off with the tears!
I really hope your little boy feels better soon, it's not only traumatic for him but awful for you. x
munchlet. thank you for your kind words.
---------- Post added at 13:01 ---------- Previous post was at 12:56 ----------
Is he okay after you have left him? My son cried all the time when I left him at school but as soon as I was gone he was fine. My daughter in her first term at school spent the whole morning at school crying and all afternoon sleeping :( After the first term, she went no problem and grew to love school. I think she decided well no matter how much I cry I am going to have to stay so I may as well enjoy it!
annie. yes he is fine/happy not long after i go or his nan goes. [she takes them to school & fetches them because im at work]
I wouldn't worry about it if he settles when you have gone. He must be happy there if he settles. Maybe it is just his way of getting extra attention from you but he will soon learn that it isn't a constructive way. Maybe try a reward chart. If he gets ready ready for school without any fuss he gets a sticker and when he has a certain number of stickers he can choose a reward?
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