feeling iv lost control and all positivity

[gregcool]

Hi guys I just wanted to vent my feelings.
as some of you know I moved into my sisters 6 months ago now after separating with my wife of 15 years..I have no job no money and no friends and have applied for jobs and voluntary work, but with no luck..Every day since iv moved in I have been walking 7 miles a day to the town and back just sitting on a bench all on my own and thinking of my situation and dwelling on my life..I became very low at the beginning and then became stronger for a few months, but now and over the last few weeks have fallen down to a very low level..I fell vey shit and my anxiety is really high now and I feel so depressed and feel sorry for myself all the time...I have a constant knot in my gut and feel hot and very tense all the days.i don’t feel positive anymore and everything I felt strong about , all now feels like it’s in the past,,,i have no energy and just want to be dead, my future is so bleak and just can’t seem to pick myself up.iv been to the Samaritans twice because I feel so bad.i am not sleeping well now..I don’t think my medication has stopped working, I just think that I have so much loss in my life is pulling me down...I get up every day and just walk into town and sit there alone for a few hrs thinking and being sad, then I walk back to my sisters and sit in my room from 3pm till bedtime..I have repeated this now for 6 months solid and have had enough.i just can’t do this anymore. I have no car so I can’t see my kids often at all and just feel so low.i cant pick myself up and I haven’t felt this low for some time..if I was honest I would wish I wasn’t alive anymore I’d love to just have a massive heart attack and die quick.i don’t know what to do,i am trying to help myself and have done everything I could to improve my life but I’m not getting anywhere I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t shut my thoughts of anymore and have tried relaxation and listening to music etc and none is helping,,
:weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep:

[gabrielle37]

im sorry to read your struggling please go back to your doctor and speak with him/her. :hugs: for you. xx

[Annie0904]

Greg, this time last year I too was wishing I could just die but now I am back to living my life again. Never give up Greg...come on you were getting so positive again! The only way to go when you are down is back up and you can do it Greg. I wish I had some answers for you on what to do with your time...what support are you getting at the moment?

[gregcool]

support....well my family are sort of supportive , they have just got so used to me being this way now and don't really know what to do to help me any more..the help doctor cant help any more as he agreas and thinks its the undelining isues of my life.Samaritans was nice to talk to someone but had no lasting effect,

[theharvestmouse]

Can't offer much advice, I'm in a similar place, you just have to try to hope tomorrow will be better, and keep going. I did conservation volunteer work a while back, that's something you could look at doing.

[Annie0904]

Would your doctor be able to give you a gym referral? I don't know if they do it in your area but they do here. I know it is for an hour a day but at least you would get to meet people there.

[gregcool]

Annie iv asked my GP about this before , but there is only one gym near me and its a private run gym and i dont get cover for this one,im going to ring up the ADTU UNIT tomorrow and see if i can go back there again at least it somewhere to g for the day

[Annie0904]

I hope they will let you go back. Stay in touch Greg x

[Kim51]

Hi Greg, so sorry you are this low I really feel for you and know just how you feel. Loneliness is a terrible thing, I find it very hard, I was in an abusive marriage and know I am better out of it but many times I think at least I wasn't on my own. All we have to hang onto is that we are at rock bottom and things can only get better for us, this is all that keeps me going, also hopefully our experiences will make us stronger better people.
It's a shame we don't live nearer as I spend most of my time on my own, it's funny how friends disappear when you have mental health problems, oh well they couldn't of been that great a friends anyway.
Try and hang in there we are all here for you xxx:bighug1:

[gregcool]

I just feel the positive greg that i was a few weeks ago has gone.i actually feel different as a person which is scary...i dont feel in control of myself anymore and feel so alone with my feelings.iv tried to talk to my mum and dad but they just think im down because my life is so bad , they just dont realize my feelings of anxiety and what its doing to me.i wish they could actually see im ill and not just unhappy they have no idea what anxiety does to a person and how it makes your body and mind feel every second.

[Annie0904]

I don't think anyone can understand Greg unless they have gone through it and it is not an easy thing to describe to anyone. I used to say to people "Think about a time when you have been really in fear of something and how it makes you feel, well that is how I feel 24/7"
Focus on the positive times Greg, remember how much better you felt a few weeks ago. If you could feel that then, you can feel it again. You are stronger than you think. Keep posting and chatting on NMP, we are all in this together to help each other along. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[gregcool]

I know what you are saying is right Annie i am trying to get that old me back , but at this moment its just not hapning. your right about feeling in a constant fear feeling , thats how im feeling and dont like this focus on my feelings all day and night ..i got rid of them at one point ..

[clio51]

Hi Greg :)

Was only thinking how you were doing the other day when I saw you were on.

Do you think it's living at your sisters that's not helping?
Do you think a place on your own would be better, or do you want the comfort of other people around.

You were doing so so well! Do you think because nothing was happening ie job, volunteering hasn't come up.

Do you have a mind centre where you live can't remember where you said you were now? They have things going on in the daytime and as winter is coming it's somewhere to meet people. Or have you any drop in centres,well being centres all these do group things.

Also do get back in touch with that centre place you were going to, I bet they know how places that do activities/gym/group things.

Come on Greg get back up there, do it for yourself :hugs:

[Annie0904]

You got rid of those feeling before Greg so you can get rid of them again. I expect it feels like your life is in limbo at the moment but you will come out of it to better things, you have to believe that. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[gregcool]

Clio...hi...I think its a bit of everything..im fedup with living at my sisters..her and husband dont talk to me..im forced to goto my room at around 3-4pm as they sit together in there front room and watch rubish tv..and i just feel im in there way. When i get up in the mornings.i wake up at 6am to them both banging around getting ready for work,so im up at this time and cant go back to sleep..so my day is even longer which i hate.i dont speek to anyone all day long..no joke , all day and night for days..so i feel isolated and very alone with no distractions.when i goto bed at night,my mind has nothing to focus on from my day so i become very anxious and only focus on neg things and how im feeling...i need to be doing something in my day big time..i need a purpose to get out of bed..just walking into town with my feelings and ned thoughts on a daily basis is not helping,then just sitting on a bench on my own for a few hrs thinking .and then leaving to come back to my sisters just to start thinking all over again...iv done this now for 6 months solid and can say ,iv had it with this daily routen..there arnt any drop in centers local to me iv looked into it..my only chance is to get back to the day center for a while to give me a break...almost like respite

[Annie0904]

Just a thought Greg...How about popping along to the college to see if there are any part time courses you can do? You should be able to get your fees paid for you. They will have just started this week or last week so not too late for you to join.

[AuntieMoosie]

Hi there Greg,

When in recovery, it's never a straight path, we have ups and downs, bends and curves and all sorts :)

Please don't think that you've lost your "positive Greg" forever, because you haven't, he's still in there, within yourself and waiting to come out again.

I know that you've tried so hard to find work and voluntary work and I think maybe it's the knock downs from those things that have made you go into a negative spell. If we're depressed or highly anxious, it doesn't take a lot to knock the stuffing out of us.

Do you know if your mental health team have a day center Greg? Maybe your GP may be able to arrange for you to attend there, even if it's just one day a week, it will help :)

I agree with Annie too, pop along and see what courses there are that you could take part in.

Greg never give up though, I know it's the pits when you're feeling so low like this, but you will get better and the much happier Greg will appear again. :hugs:

[gregcool]

Iv made a docs appt for monday am. Im going to ask them to refer me to the chrises team on monday.once at the chrises team im hoing to ask them to refer me to the ADTU unit again where i went before for 2 months..ill be happier there having somewhere to go each day and be around otherrs like me.plus they have activitys there through the day..

[Magic]

Good one greg-- keep going mate. Let us know how you go on:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[clio51]

That's good Greg, tell them you feel yourself going backwards and that you NEED to go back there for your sanity.

Are you on any housing list Greg? Only asking as feeling free in your own space and watching what you want might be a great help.

Don't let yourself get back down Greg your worth more than letting this horrible illness take hold of you again.

Take care x

[gabrielle37]

thats good Greg, im sure the doctor will help. keep positive eh and take care xx

[AuntieMoosie]

That's a really good move Greg, I hope your doctor can get it sorted for you soon so that you can pick up from where you left off :hugs:

[Kim51]

Well done on making the doctors appointment, hope it goes well, keep us updated on your progress
Good luck Kim x

[gregcool]

Well iv been to my doc this morning and asked for him to contact the chrises team...he said he is contacting the local comunity health and get them to call me....i hope these are the right people to ring me and will refer me to the chrises team...i kept saying to hime i want him to contact the chrises team and he kept saying he has to contact the comunity health and they will be able to help with the chrises team...does this sound right

[Annie0904]

Yes I guess they have a procedure to go through to get you referred. Hopefully it will happen soon.

[bernie1977]

Hope you hear from them soon Greg. Wishing you well :hugs:

[gregcool]

Yhanks guys.:hugs:

[gregcool]

Well i never got the call today..dam !! I hope i hear tom..they have been informed im desperate and in a chrises