Support Needed!!

[Mell1988]

Hello,

I have been battling anxiety and depression for at least 2 years now related to my son (who is 2.5).

When he was born we had some health issues with him that took a while to resolve but at the time they were very worrying and I'm sure I was suffering from PND which didn't help!

Basically since then I am so anxious about him it's unbelievable. I am convinced he has some serious illness that has gone undetected, despite reassurances from several doctors and of course family members that he seems a fine and happy little boy. He even had a test for a chronic illness on my insistance even though the doctors didn't think it was a possibility which came back negative yet I am still being plagued by the thoughts that the test was wrong or that they have missed something.

However, despite the fact that I can see he is happy and doesn't act like a sick child - I have this horrible gut wrenching feeling that he may have something bad. It has got so bad that I have been looking on the internet for a long time now, searching for symptoms that he has (sometimes very loose symptoms) and as I'm sure you can all appreciate you can easily link from a relatively "innocent" symptom to a serious disease fairly quickly. This has exaggerated my anxiety so I am trying now not to use the internet for health issues for my son anymore as it seems pointless (I am hoping I can use it to help me which was what my doctor suggested as he said distraction would be the best way to handle this).

If I read something that reassures me on the internet I can't leave it alone at that, I just keep looking and I will eventually find something that upsets me and convince myself it's true and he is ill.

I am probably not explaining this well but to give you an example (if anyone is still reading!). If my son coughs for a while there could be many reasons -

1. Slight cold
2. Allergy (my son is very allergy prone)
3. Serious illness
4. Coughing because that's what kids do sometimes!

I will go for number 3 every time, and I make links between symptoms and serious illness even if that link may be very weak. My son as the usual illnesses as any other child but I just seem to overreact about the slightest thing, particularly if he displays a symptom that I can associate with a serious illness.

My doctor has been very supportive and has tried to get me to see that it is very easy to focus on small details and draw conclusions rather than look at the big picture (ie my son is full of energy and is happy doesn't seem enough to convince me).

I have been on Lustral (Sertraline) 2 times over the past 2 years and have just started a course again and I am determined this time to get it sorted once and for all. I try so hard not to show my anxiety when I am with my son (and also to keep everything else going such as a full-time job etc.) but it is so exhausting and all the time I have these horrible feelings of dread that the doctors have missed something and I will never forgive myself if it gets discovered years later.

It feels so horrible as I should be enjoying the time I have with him as none of us knows what's around the corner, I just can't seem to shake off these feelings.

Does this sound familiar ? I am going to try and register with a counsellor to see if that will help.

Thank you so much for still reading!!

[Meg]

Hello Mel,

Welcome . This is all very familiar and is indeed quite common for new mothers to be so sure there is something wrong with either themselves or their children ..

It's great that you have recognised

'It has got so bad that I have been looking on the internet for a long time now, searching for symptoms that he has (sometimes very loose symptoms) and as I'm sure you can all appreciate you can easily link from a relatively "innocent" symptom to a serious disease fairly quickly. This has exaggerated my anxiety so I am trying now not to use the internet for health issues for my son anymore as it seems pointless'

This is half the battle really and you are doing well in keeping yourself distracted and focussed away from it .

A couple of things that may help . Write it all down , from birth to now , write it all out, warts and all sometimes getting it all out in your own words and for your eyes only will reliev ethe pressure and seeing it written word will demonstrate the overreactiveness to you.
Anytime you start obsessing about him and are temped to do some searching , do something positive for yourselves instead - like planning an outing or doing something that will show you what a normal healthy boy he is ..

So 3 lots of Lustral in just over 2 years .. Is it effective in reducing these symptoms for you or might it be time for something else or staying on it for a bit longer ?

Talking about it to a counsellor will be good but do try writing it all out too as there may be some things you would never tell anybody else ..







Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[Laurie28]

Mel,

I'm glad you recognise that looking up symptoms on the internet isn't the best thing to do.

It is normal for all mums to be anxious about their kids but when it gets the the stage that it is consuming your ever thought then it is a problem

You have to put your trust in the medical profession and trust that they know their stuff but don't let any alatrming symptoms pass you by. is there any close family or friends that can keep you 'grounded' when you are particularly anxious???

I know Kate was going through the same thing at one time where she was constantly worried abut her kids going out etc.

I agree with Meg, maybe some counselling would help

take Care
Lucky

[Mell1988]

Hi,

Thank you very much both of you for the quick responses - it's nice to know that there are people who understand what I'm going through.

I am trying very hard not to look at the Internet for health related matters again, although it is hard - I ended up looking again yesterday and discovered yet another symptom that I was concerned about but I've told myself that no more and hopefully forums like this will help as I can use these when I have the urge.

My husband is very understanding, must admit in the past I have bottled things up alot whereas this time round I've tried to explain to my husband how I feel - although he tries he does find it difficult to appreciate how I can still be so anxious despite reassurances from so many people and also does get annoyed when I tell him I've been on the internet and discovered something else that is worrying me (quite understandably).

I will definitely go for counselling - in the past when I've had the Lustral they've seemed to work well and I've been feeling OK for a few months then I guess I kid myself into thinking the problem is solved (even when I'm well the concerns are still there but I am able to keep them in perspective and be more rational) then I come off the tablets, then a few months later the anxiety starts, I then start looking on Internet which then explodes it all again and I go back over the same ground.

Fingers crossed this time it will be different - I am determined not to let this rule my life as it is such a shame - I guess I just need to take one day at a time and not worry about the future as much and what might/might not happen.

I suspect there's issues in my past to be honest as my mother has a chronic illness (She is in a wheelchair) and the illness started when I was fairly young (probably about 6 or 7) and I do have vague recollections of things that upset me such as my mother falling over and once being looked after by my auntie when my mother went into hospital for tests. All in all I had a good, happy childhood though, but I was very shy and reticent and never liked to go away from home.

Maybe the concerns are just repeating themself but with my son (My husband thinks that I just won't let myself believe everything is OK - although obviously not consciously).

I guess in the past I've been a bit like this although never quite as severely - I have always been a worrier and a pessimist but perhaps parenthood and the added responsibility has just amplified it.

Hopefully the counselling and this board will help!

Take Care

[april tones]

hi mel, i will message you to chat, love april x

apriltones

[sal]

Hi Mel

Sorry to hear you are suffering again. I can totally appreciate how you feel, but you are trying really hard and looking at it so positively. With anxiety the slightest thing becomes a major problem and an issue that you just can let go of. It seems to grip you and however hard you try to dismiss it it is still there eating away at you. I have always been a bit of a worrier but when i had my daughter Sam, i worried about anything and everything. My panic attacks and anxiety didnt start until Sam was about three but since then it hasnt been easy.

Use the internet positively, like you have coming on to this site, you will read so many stories that you can relate to and gain support and encouragement from them. A counsellor would be a good idea, but keeping a diary of everything you feel and think helps, it has really benefitted me as sometime you cant tell or even explain to people your thoughts.

I am pleased you husband is supporting you and it does sound like your mother been ill when you were young could have been bottled up by you and now is coming out when you have a child of your own. Are you subcounsciously worried that you might be ill and let him down?

Rememer though a conscious thought it very unlikely to come true. An example, if you thought you were going to win the lottery tonight, it doesnt mean you are. Remember that when you think he has something like a cough, remember it is only a cough.

I know how hard it is but this time you sound determined to beat it. Keep in touch and keep up the good work. I will email you an address ive got for a site just for mothers.

Love Sal xxxxx

[Mell1988]

Hi Sal,

Thanks very much for the reply. I am hoping that this time round I can finally get things sorted.

I do think that my mother being ill perhaps is at the root of it, although not from the point of view that I'm worried about getting ill myself, more that I worry about my son being ill. Perhaps I am just a bit conscious of the fact that when I was growing up the closest person to me (ie. my mother!) was ill so maybe I just worry that now I have a son and he has become the closest person to me that it will happen again.

Must admit I never really considered how much that having an ill mother could have affected me, I think because it happened when I was relatively young then it was always the "norm" if you like that my mother had MS but I suppose it must have had some impact on me though even though I never knew anything different.

Hopefully the counsellor will help, and I am going to try and start writing out my thoughts and see if that helps as well.

It has been a huge help finding this board though, even just to know that there are people out there who feel like me and can get through it just makes me feel alot more positive.

I think I just find it hard to deal with the uncertainty of life, and I guess when you become a parent it makes it worse as all of a sudden there's a little dependent person there who you created and who you love more than anything else in the world and I guess it's just unimaginable to think that something might happen to them.

I am just hoping at the end of this I can appreciate each day and enjoy things rather than worry about things being wrong.

Take Care

[sal]

Hi Mel

I am sure with your positive attitude and determination you will overcome this and will enjoy each day as it comes.

I cant sit here and say its easy or that everything will be a garden of roses overnight but you can get there. You are determined and that counts all the way.

Your mum been ill has obviously had a big impact on how you are reacting now.

Remember you have a gorgeous toddler who will worship you as much as you worship him. I know how hard it is to dismiss those thoughts that creep in and take over, but in time you will overcome this.

My CBT always taught me to test my thoughts and at times it was hard and i needed a close friend with me who didnt think i was mad to help me. And when i did test those thoughts she was with me by myside to step in if i couldnt cope with my thoughts or even in worst case senario my thoughts were genuine. Luckly they were never genuine but was the anxiety. They still havent gone and when i am anxious i lose all reasoning but i always take hold of the fact that i got through it before without anything happening so what is different this time.

This site is great and we are all here to help and support you. Lean on us anytime as supporting each other creates strenghth.

A sad fact of life but out of peoples weakenesses we gain strength and if any of my weaknesses can make you feel stronger, its a postive move for us both.

Love Sal xxxxxx