cheetycat
22-09-13, 23:43
Hi. I'm new and hoping to gain some insight and help with my issues. My husband has just left me, in part due to my issues and in part due to a stupid mistake I made because of how I am.
I have generalised anxiety disorder as diagnosed by my GP and have been taking medication on and off over the past few years for this. I'm not particularly anxious in the way that some anxiety disorders manifest themselves such as fear of leaving the house, fear of having an accident etc - mine only seems to be constant worries within my relationship.
Recently I'd been looking up some stuff hoping to find some self help techniques and discovered that there is actually a recognised branch of general anxiety disorder called relationship anxiety. The description fits my situation perfectly.
I've been married for 15 years and have been almost constantly worried about my husband leaving me, not loving me enough, being with another woman etc etc. These worries would lead me to be very needy and become suspicious of everything and anything every time he left the house and as such I would constantly accuse him of things which, in reality had no basis, but rather were just things I was imagining in my head. I had very little trust in my husband, not through anything he'd done, but just because of how I am.
It’s caused endless problems in our marriage but my husbands way of dealing with that was that rather than trying to provide support or comfort he would just tell me I was “nuts”.
For him it was easier just not to tell me something rather than deal with how I would feel if I did know. Obviously this just made my anxieties worse because I'd feel that I was constantly not being told the truth and so went on the vicious circle.
He'd do something, not tell me, I'd find out, give him a hard time about it, and things would become horrible. I'd feel deceived and would then start wondering and questioning everything. There was never anyone else involved or anything - it’s just that my worries would make me assume the worst all the time.
My husband used to just think I was mad but in actual fact I think he just didn’t understand or know how to help.
In my head all I actually wanted was to feel secure, feel loved, wanted, special, cared for, that I meant something to him. But of course the way I behaved with the not trusting him, being suspicious etc only pushed him further away.
So after years of this we came to a point in March/April 2012 where we first separated.
Obviously I was devastated that things had come to this and this was something that I really didn’t want to happen.
We agreed that my husband could still live in the family home until he got things sorted and in the meantime we could see if we could find a way to resolve things. We also agreed that none of us would see anyone else at this point.
A few months went past, but my husband showed absolutely no interest in me or trying to resolve things whatsoever. It was as if he was pretty much just here until he'd got his own stuff in order.
It was then that I went out with another man - ONE TIME.
Very soon after that my husband decided that he thought us separating had been a mistake. Obviously by then I'd already went out with this other man.
My husband found out but we decided to try to salvage things. It had been trundling along on an "ok" level until a few weeks ago when he told me that he "didn't want to do this anymore". That was it - game over. Incidentally the day he told me was on our 15th wedding anniversary.
At the time that I went out with the other man I firmly believed that my husband and I were over, I thought then that there was no way back, that he’d made up his mind and that was that. How was I ever to know that he would come back to me a couple of months later and say he'd changed his mind.
I feel really angry with myself for being so stupid as to be with someone else and as a result throw away everything that meant something to me.
But the honest truth of that is that I only really wanted some attention from someone, just someone to actually be interested in me for 5 minutes. At the time , and for the few months prior to the separation my husband hardly even spoke to me. I felt really abandoned I suppose and just wanted to feel a bit wanted.
My husband said I should've told him if I felt I needed comfort and attention and yes I probably should have. But it was so hard to even approach him with anything like that after how things had become between us.
I made a HUGE mistake which I'm paying for now with the loss of the one thing that meant the most to me. I am devastated and a totally shell shocked really, but I don’t think there’s anything more I can do.
The thing my husband keeps coming back to all the time is that we had an agreement (that we wouldn't see anyone else whilst we sorted out the separation) and I broke it so therefore it's mostly all my fault.
I think the fact that my one night "affair" happened over a year ago and that my husband & I still stayed together after this shows that there is still something there between us.
I think he just doesn't know how to deal with this properly and move on in a positive way ......... and I don't know how to help him
I really don't want this to be "the end" for us after us having come so far and came through so much. It seems such a shame to throw away 15 years for the sake of a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to me.
But then I suppose I should have thought of that.
He says there's no way back now and I'm completely devastated - which is obviously sending my anxiety levels through the roof and has brought back my panic attacks which I thought I'd gotten on top of. I'm struggling to sleep, struggling to think straight, struggling to just get through the day without him.
I so wish I'd gotten help with these issues before it was too late but I really didn't know there was any help out there to be gotten.
I have generalised anxiety disorder as diagnosed by my GP and have been taking medication on and off over the past few years for this. I'm not particularly anxious in the way that some anxiety disorders manifest themselves such as fear of leaving the house, fear of having an accident etc - mine only seems to be constant worries within my relationship.
Recently I'd been looking up some stuff hoping to find some self help techniques and discovered that there is actually a recognised branch of general anxiety disorder called relationship anxiety. The description fits my situation perfectly.
I've been married for 15 years and have been almost constantly worried about my husband leaving me, not loving me enough, being with another woman etc etc. These worries would lead me to be very needy and become suspicious of everything and anything every time he left the house and as such I would constantly accuse him of things which, in reality had no basis, but rather were just things I was imagining in my head. I had very little trust in my husband, not through anything he'd done, but just because of how I am.
It’s caused endless problems in our marriage but my husbands way of dealing with that was that rather than trying to provide support or comfort he would just tell me I was “nuts”.
For him it was easier just not to tell me something rather than deal with how I would feel if I did know. Obviously this just made my anxieties worse because I'd feel that I was constantly not being told the truth and so went on the vicious circle.
He'd do something, not tell me, I'd find out, give him a hard time about it, and things would become horrible. I'd feel deceived and would then start wondering and questioning everything. There was never anyone else involved or anything - it’s just that my worries would make me assume the worst all the time.
My husband used to just think I was mad but in actual fact I think he just didn’t understand or know how to help.
In my head all I actually wanted was to feel secure, feel loved, wanted, special, cared for, that I meant something to him. But of course the way I behaved with the not trusting him, being suspicious etc only pushed him further away.
So after years of this we came to a point in March/April 2012 where we first separated.
Obviously I was devastated that things had come to this and this was something that I really didn’t want to happen.
We agreed that my husband could still live in the family home until he got things sorted and in the meantime we could see if we could find a way to resolve things. We also agreed that none of us would see anyone else at this point.
A few months went past, but my husband showed absolutely no interest in me or trying to resolve things whatsoever. It was as if he was pretty much just here until he'd got his own stuff in order.
It was then that I went out with another man - ONE TIME.
Very soon after that my husband decided that he thought us separating had been a mistake. Obviously by then I'd already went out with this other man.
My husband found out but we decided to try to salvage things. It had been trundling along on an "ok" level until a few weeks ago when he told me that he "didn't want to do this anymore". That was it - game over. Incidentally the day he told me was on our 15th wedding anniversary.
At the time that I went out with the other man I firmly believed that my husband and I were over, I thought then that there was no way back, that he’d made up his mind and that was that. How was I ever to know that he would come back to me a couple of months later and say he'd changed his mind.
I feel really angry with myself for being so stupid as to be with someone else and as a result throw away everything that meant something to me.
But the honest truth of that is that I only really wanted some attention from someone, just someone to actually be interested in me for 5 minutes. At the time , and for the few months prior to the separation my husband hardly even spoke to me. I felt really abandoned I suppose and just wanted to feel a bit wanted.
My husband said I should've told him if I felt I needed comfort and attention and yes I probably should have. But it was so hard to even approach him with anything like that after how things had become between us.
I made a HUGE mistake which I'm paying for now with the loss of the one thing that meant the most to me. I am devastated and a totally shell shocked really, but I don’t think there’s anything more I can do.
The thing my husband keeps coming back to all the time is that we had an agreement (that we wouldn't see anyone else whilst we sorted out the separation) and I broke it so therefore it's mostly all my fault.
I think the fact that my one night "affair" happened over a year ago and that my husband & I still stayed together after this shows that there is still something there between us.
I think he just doesn't know how to deal with this properly and move on in a positive way ......... and I don't know how to help him
I really don't want this to be "the end" for us after us having come so far and came through so much. It seems such a shame to throw away 15 years for the sake of a couple of hours with a man who meant absolutely nothing to me.
But then I suppose I should have thought of that.
He says there's no way back now and I'm completely devastated - which is obviously sending my anxiety levels through the roof and has brought back my panic attacks which I thought I'd gotten on top of. I'm struggling to sleep, struggling to think straight, struggling to just get through the day without him.
I so wish I'd gotten help with these issues before it was too late but I really didn't know there was any help out there to be gotten.