jared
24-09-13, 05:25
Hi, my name's Jared. I'm 26 years old, I have a wonderful wife (no kids yet), and live a quiet life in the central United states. I love music and participate actively in the music community as I play guitar, drums, bass, piano, and write songs. I have written and recorded four full-length albums and have been working on my fifth. As a musician (like many others with these giftings) I have struggled with melancholia and depression all of my life, but it really began manifesting around age 17. I will say out front I am a firm believer in Jesus and have had tons of battles and victories in my life through Him, Christ is a big source of my strength. At age 17 I was attending a church that booted me out for having sex with my then girlfriend (who also attended the church). A totally bogus thing and it wrecked me for a long time. I ended up suppressing a lot of those feelings as my mother didn't understand how to handle it well and her remedy was for me to start working a full time job, perhaps to forget about it. So those feelings got suppressed and I began my descent into suicide and depression. I took Zoloft for about a year and it caused major weight gain and foggy thinking. After I asked for a different medication I was put on Effexor XR and shortly after I was admitted at age 19 for attempting suicide and talked my way out of being thrown into a mental hospital. So I was evaluated and walked out the same day. I hated my life and hated my job and hated my parents. Both of my parents are split up by the way (since age 2).
I hated everyone. I wanted to kill everyone and myself. To make a long story short after several suicide attempts and interventions by friends and learning "the hard way" with a mindset that no one really cares, that the world is a cruel dark place, a wonderful thing happened and God met me where I was and my life changed forever. I was taking Wellbutrin XL and it was working pretty well for me but I had become such a happy person for so long that soon I decided to stop taking it. I got fit and lost 80 lbs, gained circles of friends, was active in my community and live music, and hardly ever had to be alone - though I certainly preferred it. I look back on this time as a peaceful, awesome time in my life when things were going very well. In retrospect I never should have gone off of Wellbutrin, because even though I was doing fine, I realize there was a chemical problem in my brain that at certain times caused me to still nose dive into depressive episodes.
Fast Forward to around 2009, I met this girl through a bible study I was leading and fell REALLY hard for her. She was that next-door-girl type, real hard to stop thinking about. We started hanging out more and pretty soon I found out she liked me, and we started dating. Yeah, it lasted a week before she said she couldn't date me but she still wanted to see me. Very confusing. So some days she would answer her phone, other days she didn't want to even see me. It wrecked me something horrible and I finally had to break it off for good but it wasn't as easy as it seemed. On the way to break it off she and her friend claimed I was stalking her and called the police on me. I've never been in trouble with the law before so this really upset me and I couldn't sleep well for about 2 weeks, mostly because I didn't get to say what I wanted to say and now I also had the "creeper" label stuck to me. So this threw me off the good track and I began drinking and experimenting with drugs again (not hard stuff, but mostly pot). Finally I met my wife about a year later and she encouraged me to get help for my depression. I saw a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with "Dysthymia". I thought he was crazy and I thought I was Bipolar until I read more into this "Dysthymia" condition. It fit me dead on, like looking into a mirror. So he prescribed me Wellbutrin SR, 100 mg. I gradually started to get better and as of 1 year ago I have been on (finally!) a therapeutic dose of 150 mg and have had ZERO depressive episodes in 8 months.
I consider to have beaten depression by the grace of God and good counseling and psychiatry. I have a new psychiatrist (we moved to a new city) that is a good man and seems to know his stuff.
So now - I had a job about 40 miles away that I would drive to and from, and often times at night with the bright lights I noticed I would start to feel nervous and jittery. Pretty soon it began manifesting into anxiety episodes and then finally full blown panic. I also noticed severe agoraphobia setting in and I couldn't be comfortable around other people. I got a new job nearby and things seemed to settle down a little, until one night as I was stocking some shelves I got this sudden feeling of dread, terror, doom...whatever it was, and I felt a small heaviness on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. I freaked out and went into the bathroom to try and calm myself down but I just made it worse. I left work early. The episode lasted 3 grueling hours and I ended up calling the ER and having them talk me down. The next morning I went into the hospital and had them check my vitals. My pulse was up but my BP was normal. Ever since, I have had severe health phobia of heart attack! I should also say that my dad had a heart attack about 4 years ago and I had to drive him to the hospital. He survived, but barely.
Now, I have developed (or it has surfaced perhaps) the panic disorder and hypochondria. Each day is a struggle and I often feel pains in my chest, neck, and back. Heart disease runs in my family but so does smoking. Everyone in my family who has had heart attacks have been ridiculous chain smokers. I DO NOT smoke. My problem is I am overweight (270 lbs, I am 5'7) and I do not exercise enough. My wife cooks healthy foods, we eat lots of whole grains and vegetables. On the risk-test-thingy I scored a below-average risk for heart attack in the next 10 years. I take multivitamins that lower cholesterol and now am trying to walk daily. Everything to rule out cardio problems.
I never realized how hard it would be living with anxiety and panic. Sometimes the dread feelings come out of nowhere and pretty soon I'm gripping my chest imagining pains. I have a doctor friend who suggested I had costochondritis because my breastbone is sore and I have pains in my ribs. I do not have insurance as I only work part time due to my anxiety issues. So I have not had an EKG ran but have had several nurses and doctors check me over and listen to my heart and they say everything sounds fine. My BP has come down from 140/100 to around 128/88 now. My mom is a nurse and by now she is sick of hearing my phobias and so is my wife. They support me as much as they can but I'm sure it exhausts them.
It's hard trying to convince myself that the random heaviness in my chest is just anxiety or costo, but I guess it has to be. There are knots in my chest that when I press on them they hurt. Almost like stress knots. I have also had 1 or 2 shooting pains through my chest right to my back randomly but then they disappear.
Current psych-related and health-related medications I am taking :
Wellbutrin SR 150MG once a day
Prozac 10mg once a day (soon to be twice a day, just started it 6 weeks ago)
Xanax .5MG as needed
Amlodipine 5MG once a day
The Prozac was prescribed me for my panic. So far it seems to be working ok but right off the bat I noticed heart palpitations so the doc told me to back off a little and go on it slowly. I take Xanax on average of once a day but never more than twice a day. Often times now I can go 2 or 3 days without taking one. Amlodipine is for blood pressure.
That's just a little introduction about me!
Any suggestions or help is appreciated, we are all on this path together!
I hated everyone. I wanted to kill everyone and myself. To make a long story short after several suicide attempts and interventions by friends and learning "the hard way" with a mindset that no one really cares, that the world is a cruel dark place, a wonderful thing happened and God met me where I was and my life changed forever. I was taking Wellbutrin XL and it was working pretty well for me but I had become such a happy person for so long that soon I decided to stop taking it. I got fit and lost 80 lbs, gained circles of friends, was active in my community and live music, and hardly ever had to be alone - though I certainly preferred it. I look back on this time as a peaceful, awesome time in my life when things were going very well. In retrospect I never should have gone off of Wellbutrin, because even though I was doing fine, I realize there was a chemical problem in my brain that at certain times caused me to still nose dive into depressive episodes.
Fast Forward to around 2009, I met this girl through a bible study I was leading and fell REALLY hard for her. She was that next-door-girl type, real hard to stop thinking about. We started hanging out more and pretty soon I found out she liked me, and we started dating. Yeah, it lasted a week before she said she couldn't date me but she still wanted to see me. Very confusing. So some days she would answer her phone, other days she didn't want to even see me. It wrecked me something horrible and I finally had to break it off for good but it wasn't as easy as it seemed. On the way to break it off she and her friend claimed I was stalking her and called the police on me. I've never been in trouble with the law before so this really upset me and I couldn't sleep well for about 2 weeks, mostly because I didn't get to say what I wanted to say and now I also had the "creeper" label stuck to me. So this threw me off the good track and I began drinking and experimenting with drugs again (not hard stuff, but mostly pot). Finally I met my wife about a year later and she encouraged me to get help for my depression. I saw a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with "Dysthymia". I thought he was crazy and I thought I was Bipolar until I read more into this "Dysthymia" condition. It fit me dead on, like looking into a mirror. So he prescribed me Wellbutrin SR, 100 mg. I gradually started to get better and as of 1 year ago I have been on (finally!) a therapeutic dose of 150 mg and have had ZERO depressive episodes in 8 months.
I consider to have beaten depression by the grace of God and good counseling and psychiatry. I have a new psychiatrist (we moved to a new city) that is a good man and seems to know his stuff.
So now - I had a job about 40 miles away that I would drive to and from, and often times at night with the bright lights I noticed I would start to feel nervous and jittery. Pretty soon it began manifesting into anxiety episodes and then finally full blown panic. I also noticed severe agoraphobia setting in and I couldn't be comfortable around other people. I got a new job nearby and things seemed to settle down a little, until one night as I was stocking some shelves I got this sudden feeling of dread, terror, doom...whatever it was, and I felt a small heaviness on my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack. I freaked out and went into the bathroom to try and calm myself down but I just made it worse. I left work early. The episode lasted 3 grueling hours and I ended up calling the ER and having them talk me down. The next morning I went into the hospital and had them check my vitals. My pulse was up but my BP was normal. Ever since, I have had severe health phobia of heart attack! I should also say that my dad had a heart attack about 4 years ago and I had to drive him to the hospital. He survived, but barely.
Now, I have developed (or it has surfaced perhaps) the panic disorder and hypochondria. Each day is a struggle and I often feel pains in my chest, neck, and back. Heart disease runs in my family but so does smoking. Everyone in my family who has had heart attacks have been ridiculous chain smokers. I DO NOT smoke. My problem is I am overweight (270 lbs, I am 5'7) and I do not exercise enough. My wife cooks healthy foods, we eat lots of whole grains and vegetables. On the risk-test-thingy I scored a below-average risk for heart attack in the next 10 years. I take multivitamins that lower cholesterol and now am trying to walk daily. Everything to rule out cardio problems.
I never realized how hard it would be living with anxiety and panic. Sometimes the dread feelings come out of nowhere and pretty soon I'm gripping my chest imagining pains. I have a doctor friend who suggested I had costochondritis because my breastbone is sore and I have pains in my ribs. I do not have insurance as I only work part time due to my anxiety issues. So I have not had an EKG ran but have had several nurses and doctors check me over and listen to my heart and they say everything sounds fine. My BP has come down from 140/100 to around 128/88 now. My mom is a nurse and by now she is sick of hearing my phobias and so is my wife. They support me as much as they can but I'm sure it exhausts them.
It's hard trying to convince myself that the random heaviness in my chest is just anxiety or costo, but I guess it has to be. There are knots in my chest that when I press on them they hurt. Almost like stress knots. I have also had 1 or 2 shooting pains through my chest right to my back randomly but then they disappear.
Current psych-related and health-related medications I am taking :
Wellbutrin SR 150MG once a day
Prozac 10mg once a day (soon to be twice a day, just started it 6 weeks ago)
Xanax .5MG as needed
Amlodipine 5MG once a day
The Prozac was prescribed me for my panic. So far it seems to be working ok but right off the bat I noticed heart palpitations so the doc told me to back off a little and go on it slowly. I take Xanax on average of once a day but never more than twice a day. Often times now I can go 2 or 3 days without taking one. Amlodipine is for blood pressure.
That's just a little introduction about me!
Any suggestions or help is appreciated, we are all on this path together!