How do you stop your HA crossing the line?

[katesa]

Hi everyone,

I'm just curious and wondering, how do you all stop your HA crossing the line in to destructive or selfish behavior?

As an example, I recently posted on another board similar to this one (though not specifically for HA) about my "survivors guilt" over the fact that my then fiance died of a rare cancer aged 24 and how I believe it has affected my psyche/feelings towards death.

I was amazed that the entire thread, and a bunch of PM's then became ALL about people asking me very specific questions about his symptoms, how long did it take for diagnosis, did he get this symptom, that symptom etc. As I am having a bout of HA myself, I try to be sympathetic and understanding but I was very taken aback by it.

I've also seen people posting on cancer forums asking people in the final stages of fighting for their lives for reassurance that they don't have the thing that is killing them - it boggles my mind.

Then of course, we hear about so many people who can't afford private tests but still have them, leaving their family short of funds. I actually understand and sympathise with this but hope to get myself better before I go down that path.

As for myself, I realised last week what a selfish cow I was being, constantly talking about my lung cancer worries, tiring myself out with worry so that my poor husband was having to do everything and and had to listen to me going on and on. My 6 month old son, usually a very chilled out and content baby started getting edgy and crying often, he had clearly picked up a difference in me. That's when I went to the doctors and got some meds - I'm starting therapy next month but I cant put them through this until then.

So, I wonder if any of you have any tips on how to avoid going down that path. Do you have triggers that you recognise and act upon?

[Fishmanpa]

I know what you mean about the cancer forums. Being a survivor, I see many on those forums obviously suffering from HA. It's one of the reasons I joined this site, as to gain a better understanding of the malady and hopefully help.

I believe the fact that you recognize your behavior as destructive puts you ahead of the game. It's when you cannot control your thoughts and behavior, deny that there is an issue or refuse to seek help that one falls into the viscous cycle that's very hard to break out of.

After my heart surgery, I suffered from some depression which is quite common in heart attack/bypass patients. I recognized something was wrong, sought help and went on Zoloft for about 6 months. I also went to therapy to work through the issues. It helped tremendously and I was weaned off the meds and haven't had any issues since. Now that I understand and recognize the symptoms, I know what to do should it ever arise again.

The point being, no one here, friends or family can make you do something you don't want to do. They can only as helpful as you allow them to be. As far as avoiding that path? Distraction seems to be the key. Finding something to take your mind off of whatever it is you're dwelling on.

Good Luck!

[katesa]

Thank you Fishmanpa. You are one of my favourite posters here and your insights are always informative.

I first joined a cancer forum when I was a carer for my then fiance. A while after his death, I became a moderator for a sub forum dealing with his particular cancer. I no longer moderate but still pop in from time to time, mainly to see if I can be of any help to carers but I have never, even in my deepest, crazy bouts of HA been even tempted to ask people dealing with the reality of cancer to reassure me. There have always been posts from HA sufferers and in my experience, most members don't mind initially - it's when they keep dismissing all they are told and get self centered and asking the same things over and over again that people get fed up.

That's one of the reasons I am glad this place exists (although sorry to say, after my experience at the other board, I'll never say what kind of cancer my previous fiance had again as I did get annoyed with all the reassurance seekers)

For me personally, the hardest thing about HA is accepting that I have quite a "selfish" illness. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but it is very self focused. I never used to consider myself a selfish person, but when I look at the way I act sometimes, the way I affect the lives of people I love, I can't escape the truth.