Abuse: have I been ignoring the cause of my anxiety? (may find uncomfortable) [Archive]

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stay_gold

25-09-13, 01:11

This is hard for me to write

I always thought that going into hospital for major surgery was the main cause of anxiety. I mean that's when all the physical symptoms can on gradually.
Lately though, or maybe once in a blue moon I think about my past, my childhood. I was sexually abused by 3 people. The 1st was my godmother's husband (nothing to heavy went on though)would've been maybe 4 or 5, 2nd was my friend's mum's friend's neighbour when I was maybe 7ish (he used to show his privates, make us touch it, make us show ours and kiss him) my friends mum caught him, stopped us from going and never addressed it again, and the 3rd was my brother I may have been 11 or something he would have been 16 (he used to make me watch him masterbate and then forced me to do oral on him), he used to hit me with a belt a lot too. He carries on as if it never happened a denies it the few times I ever mention it, sometimes I think he forgot it happened, plus it can talk a lot of crap with conviction and get people to believe him. I would never tell my mum it would ruin her life, he son being abused by her other son and my godmother's husband died and I don't really wanna ruin her image of him.
I mentioned it to 2 friends, never went into detail, they barely reacted and I don't think they even remember me telling then which makes me think they don't believe me.
It's something that I don't think about much and I think I have been able to live my life ok but I don't know, whenever I get a flashback it makes me feel ashamed, sick and embarrassed. I'm not sure if it is a cause of my anxiety, I did have OCD as a child, which is worse now. It's bugging me again and I genuinely don't know if it is why I have this.

That was hard to go over like that, can someone help me please?

Kez_miller

25-09-13, 01:25

firstly, going over it again in detail like that was a giant step in the right direction. secondly, maybe you are right...i mean i definitely wouldn't discount it from being the reason, at the same time i wouldn't lay all the blame at the door of these events (although very likely they are the trigger)

Lets just say this is the main reason....WHY? maybe it is not so much the events...maybe it is the burden of having the weight of your brothers guilt hanging on your shoulders, watching him walk round like nothing happened.

I assume you have has relations with guys since these events...which tells me its not so much the events that are causing the trauma, but the aforementioned guilt.

Maybe it is time to come clean for your own health.

the only person who can make that decision is you. Do you risk being ill with these issues to save your mothers feelings or do you tell her, support each other through it and become a better person on the other side knowing that its out in the open.

stay_gold

25-09-13, 01:41

Yes, I have major resentment issues towards my brother, he knows it too but I don't know if he knows why. I could never tell my mum, it will destroy her, she'll blame herself, it would ruin the family and my brother is a brilliant liar, like a sociopath level liar, he will twist it and make me look like a liar.
I feel so dark when I'm around my brother, and my mum knows I have a 'serious problem' with my brother. I nearly told her once but I couldn't do it to her.

ankietyjoe

25-09-13, 10:54

Wow, very brave.

I cannot possibly comprehend how you feel, but I will say my partner has had some similar experiences to you.

I would say that your past has a massive impact on your anxiety.

Perhaps the hospital treatment has uncovered similar feelings, helplessness etc.

One common reaction to these kinds of experiences is PTSD, which I think is worth looking into.

One thing is for sure, YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.

'Coming out' as it were is a positive step, and not letting your past effect your future has got to be priority number one.

Be well.

suki300

25-09-13, 11:23

That's dreadful - I think you need to find out how to resolve what's going on in your past. it sounds like you've never been taken seriously and I think you need someone who will listen and acknowledge the fact that what happened to you wasn't a small thing.

So far it's always been family and friends for you, but I think in circumstances like this unless you've been trained, it would be very difficult to know what to do - I wouldn't know where to begin - so you need to speak to someone who is experienced in these matters.

I don't know if this is any good, but here's a link for the NSPCC and it deals specifically with the topic of adults who were abused as children. There's a helpline - they might be able to help.

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/online-advice/adults-abused-in-childhood/adults-abused-in-childhood_wda87228.html

stay_gold

25-09-13, 11:33

Thanks ankietyJoe

The part I don't really get is my reaction to it, I certainly didn't like it, I knew it wasn't normal, I feel really desensitised to the who thing. I was pretty calm considering which is why I never considered PTSD. I think I repressed everything to feel normal, maybe delusion comes into that somewhere.

Can I ask how your partner has dealt with it? Hope I'm not being intrusive, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

---------- Post added at 11:33 ---------- Previous post was at 11:29 ----------

That's dreadful - I think you need to find out how to resolve what's going on in your past. it sounds like you've never been taken seriously and I think you need someone who will listen and acknowledge the fact that what happened to you wasn't a small thing.

So far it's always been family and friends for you, but I think in circumstances like this unless you've been trained, it would be very difficult to know what to do - I wouldn't know where to begin - so you need to speak to someone who is experienced in these matters.

I don't know if this is any good, but here's a link for the NSPCC and it deals specifically with the topic of adults who were abused as children. There's a helpline - they might be able to help.

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/online-advice/adults-abused-in-childhood/adults-abused-in-childhood_wda87228.html

Thanks for that, it's good to know people at least understand how it is for me. You are right one of my problems with people is that I am never taken seriously but that really hurt how my friends have reacted.

I will check out that link, thank you.:)

suki300

25-09-13, 11:55

but that really hurt how my friends have reacted.

I will check out that link, thank you.:)

Well, I'm not sure why they reacted that way and I can understand why you feel very hurt. What I will say though is that if you speak to an organisation like the NSPCC, I think they'll very much understand where you're coming from and how things like manipulation and lies get tangled into these situations. Which is why people don't admit to abuse often until they're adults.

ankietyjoe

25-09-13, 12:15

Can I ask how your partner has dealt with it? Hope I'm not being intrusive, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

Well in truth she didn't for many years and in fact I was the first person she ever told. After that, she had a period of confusion, anger, nightmares, shame, regret etc etc.

Ultimately it came down to treating the PTSD (which is very closely related to other anxiety disorders) in the same way you'd treat anxiety in general. You can use CBT, therapies, relaxation techniques and meditation. All help in moving forward.

She knows that it's something that'll never leave here totally, but it's not part of her life any more either if that makes sense, it's a lingering memory or feeling that comes back from time to time.

stay_gold

26-09-13, 08:26

Well, I'm not sure why they reacted that way and I can understand why you feel very hurt. What I will say though is that if you speak to an organisation like the NSPCC, I think they'll very much understand where you're coming from and how things like manipulation and lies get tangled into these situations. Which is why people don't admit to abuse often until they're adults.

I think it's a mix of them assuming my life is perfect and them being self absorbed tbh.
I will call them and let you know how it goes

---------- Post added at 08:26 ---------- Previous post was at 08:22 ----------

Well in truth she didn't for many years and in fact I was the first person she ever told. After that, she had a period of confusion, anger, nightmares, shame, regret etc etc.

Ultimately it came down to treating the PTSD (which is very closely related to other anxiety disorders) in the same way you'd treat anxiety in general. You can use CBT, therapies, relaxation techniques and meditation. All help in moving forward.

She knows that it's something that'll never leave here totally, but it's not part of her life any more either if that makes sense, it's a lingering memory or feeling that comes back from time to time.

Well I'm glad she's feeling better, I know how hard it would have been for her to tell you, you should take it as a huge compliment she decided to tell you 1st.

I just wanna get all of this emotional baggage in control, it's slowly ruining my life this anxiety.

Speranza

26-09-13, 08:47

Hi, I would say this is almost definitely a huge factor for you.

I hardly remember my childhood, which always puzzled me - and then I began to realise something had happened to me. I don't know what and I have never dug around for memories, I am sure they will come if I need them. I do have memories (shared by my sister, who witnessed it) of almost being killed by my mum, and I have been told by two counsellors that I do present as a classic 'sexual abuse survivor'. I have never wanted to create false memories so I have dealt with it very gently.

You, however, do have memories and that is a great help in fact, even though it must be awful. You have been incredibly brave sharing it here, and you are believed, as you can see. I think contacting the NSPCC is a great idea. You are at the point where those things are ready to be 'heard' and dealt with. Well done, keep your nerve! x

stay_gold

26-09-13, 09:10

ankietyjoe

26-09-13, 09:54

Well I'm glad she's feeling better, I know how hard it would have been for her to tell you, you should take it as a huge compliment she decided to tell you 1st.

Oh I do, I just wish she could have told me a decade earlier, despite the fact we didn't know each other then!

I think one of the hardest things for her to accept was that she just had to let it go. In some way she wanted closure, and accepting that this could only happen internally in her own mind was difficult I think. Like you, she found it difficult that she couldn't realistically confront her attackers and get them to 'fess up'. She also couldn't tell her family for many and varied reasons.

Ultimately you might have to let it tear you apart a little bit so that you can find yourself again and rebuild who you are.

I think (and this is just me speaking to a loved one about it at great length) one of the most important things to do is believe and accept that you were not to blame, have nothing to feel guilty about, there was nothing you could have done differently, and even if you could you were a child so not really in a position to accurately judge what to do and finally, that some people are just @$%*'s.

Speranza

26-09-13, 10:38

Absolutely. I think my huge breakthrough with Mum was when I realised there could be no closure because that depended on HER. I had to find it for myself.

I have come to see that she was a very damaged person herself - incredibly likely to have been abused - and although this doesn't excuse her, it does explain her, which I personally have found helpful.

In the middle of her later dementia she once told me she loved me - although I don't think she knew who I was! - and I took this as the best I was going to get.

However - emotional abuse coming from damage is a different thing entirely from what you have been through.

I think a great question to ask yourself while you wait to see someone is, "Why did I burden myself with the responsibility of sparing my Mum's feelings?" I don't mean that I think you 'should' (I avoid those if I can!) tell her - but I think it would be an interesting thing to think about - why, as an abused child, did/do you see it as your role to protect your Mum from that? Why was/is she more important than you?

This is something I would expect to come up during counselling and there are no 'right' answers but I have a gut feeling it might be a good place for you to start unravelling... x