I just don't want to go through it anymore

[Darren1]

I think most people agree that I have 'calmed down' from the previous few months whereby I have been booking doctors appointments every week about my swollen glands. I have had a CT, chest xray, bloods etc, everything fine. Of course, this all started with mere neck pain. Everybody in my work and personal life think things are great - a woman at work just said to me "I'm so pleased you're feeling better, it's nice to see you smiling and being yourself again"....

After all tests I was left with the GP telling me they would not investigate any further and my pains were muscle related from anxiety. (Funny, I thought diazapam was a muscle relaxant!!!!)
I was referred for a psychiatric assessment and have been looking into seeing a Chiropractor or similar.

The result of my psychiatric assessment was that I suffered a period of severe anxiety and mild depression for which Prozac and Valium have improved my mental health ten fold. The nurse did not believe counselling would be of benefit because ultimately i need to fix my neck pain. She has written to my GP to say that after her assessment I have no current mental health issues. She has suggested to the GP that I am referred for pain management and physiotherapy as soon as possible. The letter says that I should continue prozac and valium for the time being as they have significantly helped me. She also wrote that my anxieties will quickly diminish when the pain in my neck is addressed.

Now where is my mind today? Ultimately I have a fear there is a tumour in my neck spine or something -but I am not spending my life thinking about it. Instead I have been enjoying my life for a while. Is that anxiety or is it reasonable considering I still do not have a diagnosis?

I had booked a doctors appointment last week but decided to cancel it to wait until they receive the letter from the nurse. I have an appointment tomorrow which I've also cancelled - basically I am just too afraid to go through this again - I worry that it will only be bad news now, and I may aswell enjoy my life and I'm playing delay tactics. I will go on Monday instead and my reason being I want to enjoy the weekend.

I was so determined to get to the root of this neck pain before, but now I keep playing these delay tactics which is not like me at all - I'm afraid to face the music :(

[suki300]

Being tense can cause extreme neck and back pain. I went to an osteopath, which I paid for privately and after a few massages, it went. I didn't realise exactly how tense I'd been with my posture - but you naturally do when you're stressed.

I understand why you're putting off the appointment, the chances are it isn't anything serious at all. I don't know if this is any help but, when my mum was worried she had cancer the whole build up to it was the worst part. when she was diagnosed, she could cope. She coped with the treatment and now she's in recovery. Sometimes once you've faced the music it gets easier, especially if the answer is that you just need some physio.

[Darren1]

what you say has struck a chord - thanks suki

[suki300]

You're welcome Darren - I also tried pilates, which focuses on posture and is the most relaxing exercise class I've ever been too - that helped as well.

Hope you're okay :)