JustJules
25-09-13, 11:58
Woke this morning - anxious as usual but it does seem to lessen as the day goes on. Fed up of trying to cope with this damn thing and I've come to the conclusion that I'm kidding myself that anything is going to work to get rid of this and that negative, pessamistic people will always be just that and no amount of therapy, positive thinking, mindfulness, hypnotherapy, CBT (total rubbish but the only panacea the NHS can come up with...) - you name it, I've tried it and I'm going round and round in circles and getting nowhere. Been on anti-depressants on and off for years and they aren't working anymore either.
All in all, stuck with who I am, what I am and will just have to try and accept that I'm always going to catastrohise every little symptom, live in fear every day of something being wrong with me and in between try and have some sort of a life. Everything frightens me and it is ridiculous. I want to go on holiday abroad and an't even fly as I have such a fear of flying so spoil the family holiday every year - this year, I didn't even go as I felt so ill.
I also now have to accept that if I do end up getting the dreaded big 'C' then I won't unfortunately, be one of these positive people who cope and will just curl up and give in and that frightens me more than anything. My fear of illness is now at phobic level and this is the worst I've ever been with my anxiety. I really admire people who get cancer and just get on with their lives and I feel so guilty for feeling like this but how can you change your basic personality? I've read enough to know that people who don't have a positive outlook don't survive, so that's me done.
I am managing to hold down a job at the moment after having a breakdown a few months ago but I'm about to be made redundant and I'm dreading the change to a new employment as I've had an easy ride here for the last 6 months. I need to work as my OH and I have separate bank accounts so being off is not an option.
Sorry for the rant - oh, woe is me - bad day. :weep:
All in all, stuck with who I am, what I am and will just have to try and accept that I'm always going to catastrohise every little symptom, live in fear every day of something being wrong with me and in between try and have some sort of a life. Everything frightens me and it is ridiculous. I want to go on holiday abroad and an't even fly as I have such a fear of flying so spoil the family holiday every year - this year, I didn't even go as I felt so ill.
I also now have to accept that if I do end up getting the dreaded big 'C' then I won't unfortunately, be one of these positive people who cope and will just curl up and give in and that frightens me more than anything. My fear of illness is now at phobic level and this is the worst I've ever been with my anxiety. I really admire people who get cancer and just get on with their lives and I feel so guilty for feeling like this but how can you change your basic personality? I've read enough to know that people who don't have a positive outlook don't survive, so that's me done.
I am managing to hold down a job at the moment after having a breakdown a few months ago but I'm about to be made redundant and I'm dreading the change to a new employment as I've had an easy ride here for the last 6 months. I need to work as my OH and I have separate bank accounts so being off is not an option.
Sorry for the rant - oh, woe is me - bad day. :weep: