Diary of an immigrant

[Rebrec]

I woke up from a panic attack of having lost control over my life. My heart is pounding and sweat is breaking out on my palms and feet every time I think of a prospect of almost an entire year of my precious life spent here before we get to move to another city.

Me and my partner moved to France from UK (he is French, I am Latvian) so he could save up some money for our future family and I don't speak a word of French for learning which I can barely find any energy since I don't like it here so much and don't see myself staying after the agreed time in his parent's house that would be otherwise unoccupied.

I don't control anything except for maybe some everyday inadequacies of my fiance's behavior (of my choice). I have become very bitter, controlling, bossy and very unhappy. Being arrogant hurts me and him, but at those moments it seems crucial to be just that -an arrogant bag of anger.

A one year of boredom. One year I will regret having lived like this on my last hour of life. So much I had to get up and write about it at 3am.


I had a nice job in UK, some really good friends I had just starting to love and my hobbies were flourishing (I am a musician in a band, that now I only get to do digitally.. with help of Skype and other nonsense..) Here my only friend is my man and his family maybe too, but to only some extent. None of us can speak other language properly and they don't seem to understand my panic.

They are comfortable and happy in their land, but what about me..? I had to apologize one night for acting the way I did (I didn't come down to dinner, because I was crying myself to sleep all day long) which was extremely embarrassing for me, plus I don't even know if they understood everything I said.

Is it worth trying to adapt or are these signs of a mistake? I just don't like it here... My partner says it is best for our future, for kids... but what kids? If I am like this - there will be no family, or home, or kids.

[suki300]

First of all, you might not speak French, but you're English is brilliant. I envy that you've had the chance to travel, however, I can understand your frustration if you've moved somewhere you just don't feel settled. One of my friends bought a gite, moved over and came back and it's not uncommon. The language is obviously quite a barrier and not helping, you sound like quite a sociable person. Is there a language group or anything locally, where you can meet like minded people?

Have you spoken to your partner and his family and shared your frustrations? I think your reactions are perfectly normal. I say see what you can change before making any bigger decisions. I think it's difficult when you've had a good experience of another country - I suppose you might have expectations that it would be just as great. It just might take a little longer, but keep talking, his family might have some nice ideas to help.

[Speranza]

Where are you in France?

[Rebrec]

We live in Brittany at the moment, small remote village.

---------- Post added at 14:09 ---------- Previous post was at 13:51 ----------

Thank you very much for your reply!
I have expressed my fears and concerns to my new French mom, who speaks quite ok English - she is very positive about the move and on the days when I seemed to be down a lot, she got moody too. I quickly learned to hide my frustrations, because nobody wants to piss off your future mother-in-law. She's probably just as annoyed for not being able to talk to me, because when we do, we both lighten up, but very slow :)

Dad is super ZEN, but only speaks in two word sentences same as I in French, though I feel closer to him of them all - quite a large family here, but French are big patriots and fluency is expected of me and not the other way around.

Today it all doesn't seem that bad, but I know that the moment of panic will come again and it always feels so real and threatening. A knot in a throat and stabbing pain in my chest which seems to have become more frequent lately along with my shortness of breath. And I hate to be the whiney one though the more I keep it all inside the more bitchy I become.