Please Please read and maybe help feel CRAZY!

[monabr]

I sent this email to someone but I wanted to post it here on the forum as well to see if anyone could relate to me; I really think i'm so bad that this is MY life now. :(

I feel like can relate to your story I read the transcript at healthyplace.com and I just felt like if maybe I talked to you, i'd feel less alone, i'm due w/ my 2nd child in 19 days I feel SO panicky and depressed most the time
I feel like my family would be better off w/out me.
I often pray like I read you did for God just to take me on.......if this is how I am or if there is no hope i'd rather my family who I love so much NOT suffer because of me....
I basically Feel and Act like a scared child my 4 year old is better at doing things than I.
I'm basically NOT functioning at all and i'm just feel like a burden.
I haven't driven in 6 years BUT I was doing better w/ the anxiety until I found out I was preganant again last March.
I had my anxiety under control w/ medication and the program. Had to go off meds when got preggy.
Everything since March has been DOWNHILL. i'm So scared everyday seems to get worse, and now i'm very depressed on top of the horried panic.
I feel SO unreal, irratable, can't be alone AT all, my husband takes to my grandmothers on his way to work......
I'm DISGUSTED w/ myself. I feel SOOOOOO bad for my son, he's 4. I cry in front of him. then feel horrible!
I'm SO irratable and anxious everything gets on my nerves, I just want to sleep then I feel SO guilty.
all day I'm dwelling/obsessing on this anxiety and I KNOW that is what keeps it going BUT I can't stop it's like it's So entrenched in my brain...
i'm CONVINCED i'm going crazy or ALREADY crazy.
I just want to feel normal again! I fear i'm too far gone in this anxiety that I LOST me. It's like "how did I get this way and who am I now?"
I'm due w/ my baby girl in 19 days. That just makes me panic MORE, like WHY did I let myself get preggy when i'm so worthless and helpless, I can' even take care of myself or my son most less 2 kids.
ALL I want in life is to be a GREAT mom and wife, and I feel that isnt' even possible.
WHY can't I just pull myself together and snap out of it? what kind of mom can't PUSH themselves to get better for their kids?
I feel SO exhausted and all I do is sleep, the dp.dr unreality feeling is SO strong and STILL scares me... (more like terrifies me)
i'm irratable, panicky, depressed most all day my only relief is bed.
I cry and pray all day. basically I feel like i'm in a nightmare....I want to get better but I feel like I'm too far gone.
I should have started driving when my anxiety was under control, NOW what if I can't not only NOT drive, but then cant' be alone ever again??
it's like I live in a mental prison of fear. I told my hubby last night if I had to pick between loosing my limbs or this I'd choose anything over this.
I KNOW i'm the only person in the world who can't be alone w/ their kids ( well will be kids now just son ), also today i'm dwelling over what if my safe people die? as in my grandmother, parents, husband or if he leaves me because of this. who will take care of me?
i'm 30 years old, I should be able to take care of myself but instead I feel like a scared child lost somewhere.
Sorry this is so long and I rambled so much........ just need to get out my feelings.
Monabr

I think i'll post this on the board so I can' see if ANYONE at all relates......

[Paddington]

Dearest girl.everyone on here can relate to the way you are feeling.I t feels like a living nightmare that you cant wake from.Dont be sorry for the way you are,the worrying and the need to feel safe ..it does make us obsess somewhat!I truly think that acceptance is the key..dont beat yourself up,stop feeling so bad about yourself..if you had a broken leg you would not question the need for help would you??Give yourself space and allow yourself to accept your anxiety,and others too,TELL them what you are feeling.You may think they know,but do they? I could write you all night hun,gotta stop as the dog is shriekin to go out[lol]....here if yoiu want to talk.Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[monabr]

((( Huge Hugs ))))

Yes I cry about my anxiety to my family.
they KNOW i'm terrified and must think by now i'm just
crazy. :(


Another thing or example of how weird I feel/am just now I hugged my son and I feel SOOOOOO detached even from him.
just THINKING about being alone w/ him or myself makes me have a severe panic attack.
WHY? what a horrible mom I must be!

I look over these forums and get worried that I will struggle with this my whole life.

I see post that say they have suffered for 30 + years I don't think I can handle that.....

is my whole life going to be a nightmare? I couldn't stand my kids growing up seeing me like this every day for years, what if it doesn't get better?

just brushing my teeth is a struggle, how do you go from there?

I don't want to be crazy! I want the old me back, I just want to feel normal.

[spock1]

I dont know if this will help I feel real bad at the moment and have a post on this board already as Im having a real bad time at present but just thought I would mention that I take something called rescue remedy by bach and this is a totally natural product so should be quite safe to use during pregnancy, I do know of someone who used it during her pregnancy but do check with your midwife or someone 1st, it doesnt take the attack away completely for me but it does ease it somewhat but for the other lady who took it during pregnancy it worked much better. like I said it might not cure you totally etc but I thought it might be worth mentioning.

[monabr]

Thank you both so much!

[spiritofnow]

I am new here but I know for me if someone can relate to what you are saying it seems to sooth you somewhat! I do relate. I think the advice about acceptance is so key. I have just realised that! After 24 years of on and off panic. Really it can be as simple as that and it does seem to ease your internal tourment a bit. I used to blame myself and beat myself up, but you really need to learn to be on your side and forgive yourself - even though you have nothing to really forgive. I used to think, ' why should I change the way I do things, why should I stop the things that may enhance panic' 'I am useless' 'why am I lkie this'? This internal self loathing makes your life even harder. I felt if I accepted it I would be admitting that there was something wrong with me, that I was somehow different, also I didn't think I even deserved help - I thought I was just causing problems. Really be kind to yourself and put some strategies in place that can ease your situation...I now try my best to go to bed earlier, drink milk, put lavender oil under my pillow, have bach rescue remedy by me, never drink caffine and if I am having a bad day DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IT MAKES THIS ALL WORSE FOR YOU! Hug yourself from the inside and tell yourself nice things......Just tryxxx

freeyourspirit

[brenda]

Have you told your doctor or midwife how you feel?
How about talking to your health visitor too?

I'm sure there is some help for you if you ask for it.
Get referred to the mental health team in your area
I did and am finding it really useful.

I had similar problems when I had my children, couldnt cope, couldnt go out etc. I had a lot of help and am much better now.

Also you could ask NO PANIC http://www.nopanic.org.uk/
THey have a confidential helpline on their site. And they have a crisis number you can ring for help
Please have a look at their site there are lots of files and info on there
For £10 you can join and they have telephone recovery groups. I am on one at the moment and it is so good. the people that run the groups are people that have recovered so know what they are talking about and that their methods work.

Hope that is some help to you
Hugs
Pam x

[looking4answers]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I sent this email to someone but I wanted to post it here on the forum as well to see if anyone could relate to me; I really think i'm so bad that this is MY life now. :(

I feel like can relate to your story I read the transcript at healthyplace.com and I just felt like if maybe I talked to you, i'd feel less alone, i'm due w/ my 2nd child in 19 days I feel SO panicky and depressed most the time
I feel like my family would be better off w/out me.
I often pray like I read you did for God just to take me on.......if this is how I am or if there is no hope i'd rather my family who I love so much NOT suffer because of me....
I basically Feel and Act like a scared child my 4 year old is better at doing things than I.
I'm basically NOT functioning at all and i'm just feel like a burden.
I haven't driven in 6 years BUT I was doing better w/ the anxiety until I found out I was preganant again last March.
I had my anxiety under control w/ medication and the program. Had to go off meds when got preggy.
Everything since March has been DOWNHILL. i'm So scared everyday seems to get worse, and now i'm very depressed on top of the horried panic.
I feel SO unreal, irratable, can't be alone AT all, my husband takes to my grandmothers on his way to work......
I'm DISGUSTED w/ myself. I feel SOOOOOO bad for my son, he's 4. I cry in front of him. then feel horrible!
I'm SO irratable and anxious everything gets on my nerves, I just want to sleep then I feel SO guilty.
all day I'm dwelling/obsessing on this anxiety and I KNOW that is what keeps it going BUT I can't stop it's like it's So entrenched in my brain...
i'm CONVINCED i'm going crazy or ALREADY crazy.
I just want to feel normal again! I fear i'm too far gone in this anxiety that I LOST me. It's like "how did I get this way and who am I now?"
I'm due w/ my baby girl in 19 days. That just makes me panic MORE, like WHY did I let myself get preggy when i'm so worthless and helpless, I can' even take care of myself or my son most less 2 kids.
ALL I want in life is to be a GREAT mom and wife, and I feel that isnt' even possible.
WHY can't I just pull myself together and snap out of it? what kind of mom can't PUSH themselves to get better for their kids?
I feel SO exhausted and all I do is sleep, the dp.dr unreality feeling is SO strong and STILL scares me... (more like terrifies me)
i'm irratable, panicky, depressed most all day my only relief is bed.
I cry and pray all day. basically I feel like i'm in a nightmare....I want to get better but I feel like I'm too far gone.
I should have started driving when my anxiety was under control, NOW what if I can't not only NOT drive, but then cant' be alone ever again??
it's like I live in a mental prison of fear. I told my hubby last night if I had to pick between loosing my limbs or this I'd choose anything over this.
I KNOW i'm the only person in the world who can't be alone w/ their kids ( well will be kids now just son ), also today i'm dwelling over what if my safe people die? as in my grandmother, parents, husband or if he leaves me because of this. who will take care of me?
i'm 30 years old, I should be able to take care of myself but instead I feel like a scared child lost somewhere.
Sorry this is so long and I rambled so much........ just need to get out my feelings.
Monabr

I think i'll post this on the board so I can' see if ANYONE at all relates......





<div align="right">Originally posted by monabr - 26 October 2006 : 22:07:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I can definitely relate..I was having a perfectly good life and BOOM ...Here I am..I ...am so much like you .Sometimes I pray and ask that I be taken on..I feel this isn't living its existing in fear..Then I get angry