So frustrated with myself :(

[debs71]

Hi All,

I was supposed to go abroad today. My anxiety has put paid to that.

For the past 3 weeks or so, after 2 years off meds and pretty well controlled anxiety/panic, it has come again back badly. It started with general worry about stuff, working myself into a panic about some health problems (or what I think are health problems, but is probably anxiety driven - back and arm pain), then I began feeling edgy, and then the full blown anxiety again - sweating, depersonalisation, absolutely terrified for no reason, and crying constantly.

I restarted Escitalopram as I just couldn't work through it though I really tried. So far my anxiety has calmed slightly, but I am feeling really, really nauseous and what has stopped me going away is I now have awful back upper/mid back pain as well as this continued nausea.

I suffer from acid reflux on and off and I had gastritis/possible ulcer a few months ago. Due to this bout of anxiety I am experiencing reflux again and I also had the same back pain with that.

My mind is in a total stew. I don't know whether the back pain is pure anxiety from muscle tension or the acid reflux or something else. I am working myself into a panic about cardiac stuff, but my sensible brain tells me 'don't be stupid, this is all anxiety'. I have had a real problem recently when I walk out anywhere in public with heavy sweating, so I have put two and two together and come up with 'heart problem', but I know that heavy sweating can be anxiety too.

I feel such a failure that I didn't go away, but I travel alone and just couldn't face travelling while feeling so crappy and with this back pain and nausea.

Any thoughts/advice appreciated.:weep:

[theharvestmouse]

You have done the right thing, going away if you are not in the right state would not be wise. Just focus on trying to get yourself feeling better and don't put pressure on yourself. You can always go away when you are feeling more able to do so. :)

[debs71]

Thanks for your reply, theharvestmouse.:hugs:

I feel in two minds about it. One part of me says no way I should go as it is better to go when I feel better in myself. The only part of me says I have let the anxiety win.

I just couldn't see a way to go with this back pain - sitting on the plane for 4 hours, lifting the case, etc. :weep:

[jackie13]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well:(

You have done the right thing not going away as you might not have enjoyed yourself. Also, with you suffering from Reflux, you may not have enjoyed the food or been able to eat it.

My husband suffers from Reflux and it causes him terrible back and chest pains.

Hope you feel better soon.

Luv & hugs to you.
Jackie xx

[debs71]

Thanks so much, Jackie. I really appreciate your reply and thoughts.

Just to hear that someone experiences the same really helps, though I of course wish your husband didn't have to suffer it either :(

Thanks ever so much.x:hugs:

[Rennie1989]

I'm going to have to disagree with the others.

The more you avoid situations because of anxiety symptoms the worse that situation will make you feel and the more situations you will start to avoid. Accept that you could not fly today, I have avoided situations like that in the past, but try to face it again in the future. Remember that arm and back pain and nausea are ONLY symptoms of ANXIETY. They are harmless, they won't hurt you. If you eat little and drink sips you won't be sick, take some painkillers if the pain is uncomfortable, but there's nothing physically wrong with you to cause those symptoms but anxiety.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh or unsympathetic. I am giving you this advice so you can live as normally as possible :)

[debs71]

I'm going to have to disagree with the others.

The more you avoid situations because of anxiety symptoms the worse that situation will make you feel and the more situations you will start to avoid. Accept that you could not fly today, I have avoided situations like that in the past, but try to face it again in the future. Remember that arm and back pain and nausea are ONLY symptoms of ANXIETY. They are harmless, they won't hurt you. If you eat little and drink sips you won't be sick, take some painkillers if the pain is uncomfortable, but there's nothing physically wrong with you to cause those symptoms but anxiety.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh or unsympathetic. I am giving you this advice so you can live as normally as possible :)

I agree with what you say, Rennie1989, I honestly do, strange as that sounds. That is why I am annoyed with myself.

I dithered for a long time before deciding to call it off as I was totally in two minds, but the overriding sticking point for me was my back. I took heaps of pain killers with little relief. Though I am certain that this is anxiety driven, I have been tense for days and the pain is very much there, so though it is anxiety, it is also actual pain. I've travelled for the past 15 years by myself without a hitch, and have never backed out despite my anxiety. My worry was lifting my bags, which nobody helps you with these days.

A big part of me thinks I could have done it, and that is my frustration. But at the same time I am cutting myself at least SOME slack as I have managed my anxiety and panic for 2 years without treatment, facing situations when feeling intensely edgy at the same time. I don't generally allow the anxiety to beat me.

I am allowing myself this glitch for that reason.

Thanks for your input.

[Rennie1989]

Don't beat yourself over it. We all gets these days where we relapse, that's the process of recovery. Just think to yourself 'OK, I couldn't do it today, but I WILL do it next time.'

By the way, well done on managing your anxiety for that long, that's amazing! Remind yourself that you have come this far, any slip up is a drop in the ocean to what you've already achieved.

[jackie13]

Hi hun

How are you feeling today?

Luv & hugs
Jackie x

[debs71]

Hi Jackie,

Thank you for asking. I am not having a good day today. I woke up feeling anxious and just lay in bed for an hour trying to get myself together, but I just feel so tearful today. My back pain is better, but my emotions are a mess.

I have just had a big panic attack. My neighbour is doing noisy building work and I just couldn't stand the noise and hyperventilated myself into a panic.

I feel such a wreck. I was doing ok up to the last 3 weeks and I am as bad now as I was 9 years ago when I first became unwell with depression/anxiety.

I'm trying to tell myself that this is side effects from restarting Cipralex after a long time off it. I just feel terrified.

I am trying to occupy my brain and keep busy as I know this is the best way to handle things.

Thank you for your post Jackie. It means so, so much to me.xx:hugs:

[lizzie29]

Hi Debs. Whether it was the right decision or not doesn't matter. You did what you FELT was right. As Rennie said, we do sometimes need to push ourselves and not let the anxiety win, but I also believe there are times when pushing yourself isn't always the right thing to do. Anyway, you made your decision and don't beat yourself up, you just need to focus on feeling better for now. There'll be other holidays,and it's not worth getting upset over it.

You're not as bad as you were 9 years ago, because now you know you CAN beat it, and hopefully you will. You're putting things in place to help, like the meds, and just take it one step at a time. You'll get there :)

[debs71]

So sorry for the late reply, Lizzie.

Thanks for your kind post. I really hope so, and am trying to stay positive.

It just amazes me how after all of the years I have had anxiety and dealt with it before, when it gets bad again it is still absolutely terrifying.

I will totally follow your good advice and take it a day at a time. xxx:hugs:

[jackie13]

Hi hun

Great to hear from you, how are you feeling tonight?

You have been doing well in the past, keep hold of that thought, you will get there Hun:)

I think the experiences we have on this anxiety journey and the lessons we learn should make it easier when we have a blip, but sometimes it doesn't:(

You will be fine, give it time, try not to analyse, do nothing and be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you.

Luv & hugs
Jackie xx

[debs71]

Sorry for the late reply, Jackie.

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement.xxx:hugs:

[Tessar]

Don't beat yourself over it. We all gets these days where we relapse, that's the process of recovery. Just think to yourself 'OK, I couldn't do it today, but I WILL do it next time.'

By the way, well done on managing your anxiety for that long, that's amazing! Remind yourself that you have come this far, any slip up is a drop in the ocean to what you've already achieved.

I agree with Rennie...... Couldn't have put it myself.

Debs, I'm sorry u didn't make it abroad... I was there once but I did make it on the plane, even tho my friends thought I would run away. Half way across the Atlantic I was crying because the stress was so much to bear..... so i can certainly relate to you not making abroad. It was a close run thing for me....
what i will say is There is still every possibility that you WILL do it. I really didn't think I could but I did it.
If you stick at things then it will come. I guess from your past achievements you already know what it takes to improve but it's just getting the motivation together isn't it? I find that sometimes even though I know what to do its not always easy to do it.
Thing is, when I read your original post & saw words in it that were scary (I'm emetophobic) I did feel unable to help ..... I do avoid some posts if the content relates to that. But after reading your other thread about people not responding to posts I felt compelled to come back for another look. I'm glad I did as I can see that this isnt all about things that scare me. In fact, it's familiar ground & I'm sure I can be helpful......
So, Debs how are you tonight?

[debs71]

Hi Tessar,

Thanks for your helpful reply. I'm really sorry if there was stuff in my post that scared you. I just waffle sometimes without considering others anxieties...apologies.

I certainly haven't given up on the holiday. I think you are brill for achieving your trip. It can be so hard. I had to rearrange it for November as cancelling would mean a big money loss, so it is good to aim for that I think. I do not intend to back out this time, but I know I will be nervous as before. I think that now I have restarted meds I feel in myself I have more confidence and support to achieve it this time.

I am not too bad, thanks Tessar. I have waves of feeling a bit edgy and spaced out, but it is momentary and I am keeping busy to get rid of that if I can. I just need to give the meds more time I think.

I really hope you are ok too, and had a good day.xxx:hugs:

[Tessar]

Hey debs, you don't ever have to apologise for what you put in your posts. You always have to be open and say it how it is, if not I guess none of us would ever write anything for fear of putting something that might scare someone else!! Any of us reading posts know we might see things that are a bit scary. Sometimes it means we can't help or other times maybe we realise we can help even if it's a bit scary. It might even make it less scary by being involved. I hope that makes sense!!!
I am really pleased you have re-arranged the trip. Good for you. I am confident you'll make it that time. why? Because you already sound more determined. It's really good the meds are making a difference too.