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View Full Version : Assertiveness or being rude/unfriendly?



dally
27-09-13, 19:20
Hi all
I was invited to a neighbours McMillan charity tea this afternoon.
Don't have social phobia, but last year there was one neighbour who berated most of the other people on our street, some of whom I am friendly with and SHE knows this!! So I wasn't particularly happy abut going.
The grumpy neighbour was going on about how she will get up at 4am to make a lot of noise because 'everyone in this street does it all weekend!!!'.

My son came home last sat night at 1.30am to pick up his guitar and some drink to head off to a party elsewhere and the taxi WAS running its engine for about 10 mins. His friend did shout hurry up ONCE. But it was for no more than 10 mins tops.
Also, My husband works shifts and he gets a work taxi, which comes at 4.30am five days in a row, once every month. But apart from the noise of the taxi engine and my h. Opening and closing the taxi door that's it.

The grumpy person 'hates' the family across from her. They do have 7, yes 7 cars. 4 people have one each, one work car and two girlfriends cars who are there nearly every night. S they double park etc. But if they pay their road tax etc and are not causing obstructing a driveway, they can park anywhere. right?

It's just I felt the grumpy person was soo obnoxious,
Why can't she live and let live.

My point is I wish I could have been assertive and actually asked her outright, who she was referring to that was making all the noise, ALL THE TIME, at 4.30am.
because it wasn't me or mine, and I wish I could've politely made her feel like a grumpy old woman who needs to get a life and learn to share her environment.

Our street is basically a nice one with decent people, but there are children in their twenties who live there. Who will come and go at early hours.!!! She has no children. I am a VERY light sleeper and with windows open ALL summer, I didn't hear any noise!!

also I felt very much that she was particularly 'telling me' how she felt so that I could tell 'these people and that included EVERYONE IN THE STREET!! (She said)

My head said, god you are so angry!!! And what I wanted to say to her was
'Well why don't you actually go to everyone's door that is annoying you and tell/ask them to stop the noise/behaviour.
This is supposed to be a pleasant afternoon tea, raising some money for Macmillan nurses!!

But I said nothing.
I felt firstly, that it would've been VERY BAD Manners-to my host, to join in with such a negative vibe in company, some of whom I did not know and who did not live in th street

But I said nothing.

I am so disappointed in myself that I said nothing.
I am useless at confrontation
But more that that, I can't think of anything appropriate to say at the time, always afterwards.

Rant over!!

Rennie1989
27-09-13, 20:15
I'd say leave her to it. I live on a busy main road and I rarely hear anything, apart from loud night clubbers on their way home if my window's open, and it's never a problem. If she wants to play nosy neighbour then that's her problem. It's not worth the agro.

Daisy Sue
27-09-13, 21:33
I'd be tempted to post her a pair of earmuffs with a note saying "Sorted"! lol.

Tessar
27-09-13, 21:47
Dally, I can see where you are coming from. It's hard to let things go but probably it's best to get her out of your head. It's not easy to accomplish that but probably the best way is simply to get on with living your own life. I have a colleague who drives me to distraction in a similar way. Always moaning about other people. Never happy. She really gets to me (& other people). the best solution I have found so far is to get on with being me and doing my work without letting her get inside my head too much!

dally
28-09-13, 18:47
Thanks for the replies.
It's very true when people say sleep on it for 24 hrs before reacting
when I came home from the tea party last night, I was angry and annoyed.
If I'm honest, mostly at myself fr 'letting' someone so grumpy talk to me and the assembled group so negatively.
I really wish I had a list in 'one-liners' that I could diffuse the grumpy persons mood and put her in her place.
But I don't

Although she's my neighbour I have only been in her company twice and I have decided that next year, I prob won't go to the tea party, just give a donation.
I had thought of saying to my neighbour who was hosting the tea about how I feel about the grump, but she is eldery and relies on this grump to watch her cats and drive her about etc, and I would never wish to hurt this woman by being rude about her 'friend'
My husband just said, take the grump for what she is and be grateful she's not in your life!!

suki300
28-09-13, 22:07
Well - unhappy people have lots to moan about. I'd feel sorry for her and you can be guaranteed that if it wasn't the early morning moans - it would be something else. If she has a problem she's obviously not very good at handling it, so tried to make everyone feel as miserable as her. Really the only place she wouldn't need to moan about other people is if she lived on some remote island.

Sometimes when people feel like they have little control of their lives, or they don't have much in their lives - they have to bring everyone else down.

If you wanted to shock her - you could invite her round for coffee and say something like "I noticed you were a bit unhappy, do you want to talk about it? Is there anyway we could help." "I'm really sorry if any of the disturbances have been on our part. young people can sometimes have social lives that are a bit anti-social and it's unfortunate my husband works shift."

It might be ott, but your niceness and making a fuss might shock her into being a bit more friendly and accepting and less negative?

Tessar
29-09-13, 07:59
I like your reflections on this suki; makes a great deal of sense. I know someone exactly like this & as they say "if the cap fits".....

dally
29-09-13, 11:44
Yes suki300
I appreciate what you said. My initial reaction was to find a way to 'fight' against the nastiness of the grump.
I agree that nastiness from some people could be a result of having an unfulfilled life themselves, and I didn't really consider this.
I just thought, what a horrible person, and wanted to not allow her to comandeer the tea party with such negative fibes.
However, I have lived in this street for 25years and she has been well know for her 'abruptness'. As I said, I'm never usually in her company, so didnt really bother about it!

The situation, did however, highlight to me, my strong desire to be assertive, and it has really frustrated and annoyed me that someone like that can behave like that and I just sit there!!

I have had one hour CBT training about assertiveness, which basically told me to keep repeating to the person what I wanted to say
Ie sorry I'm busy ...... Until they accept what I say

My husband say I should've kept saying to her.... I don't think this is the type of conversation for a charity tea party.

What I will say is this grump IS VERY ASSERTIVE, to the extent that she probably wouldn't 'hear" what I would be saying to her.
I learned from CBT that there is different levels if assertiveness so mabey she's at the highest and I'm at the lowest. I'll just have to try to accept we're all different. Just frustrates me though. ;)))

Tessar
29-09-13, 19:28
Dally, the way u describe the person is exactly like the grump in my life. It took me ages to realise one of the reasons I'm not assertive with her is that she doesn't listen to me. So then I feel deleted & can't be bothered. But .... I am determined she isn't going to grind me down. I dont possess the right skills in terms if assertiveness but I keep reading up about it. Hopefully I can chip away & eventually get there. It is easier said than done but I don't want to let her drag me down. Keep at it....!!!!!