Being taken advantage of

[Iced_diamond]

For some time I've been feeling run down and tired. I've been really busy at work and feel like I have no time for myself once all the housework is done. Both my partner and I work many hours yet the household gets left to me completely...(something we've argued over many times!). On top of that, my mum often needs favours from me (lifts, helping her with something on the PC, help in the garden etc.) Of course I'm happy to help, but people kind of act like I have nothing else to do or they don't need to be grateful, as it's "only me". At work I've been feeling mostly taken advantage of, as I work in a team with 3 seniors who are always "super busy" and 3 part timers, who don't get a lot done and always seem to have excuses up their sleeves to leave early or "get out of things". I feel like all the crappy jobs always get offloaded on to me and I feel like I am not allowed to have any excuses. My boss has even actually outright said to me:" I'm asking you to do this, because such and such won't do it properly or such and such won't have time or such and such isn't reliable enough..." etc. In a way I should see it as a compliment, but I am now starting to see it as unfair. Today my boss instructed me to take on a really challenging task and as much as said nobody else will do it, so I have to...Ever since coming home, I've felt drained and worried as I don't know where to start with task for one thing and I am just fed up with always being the one who gets taken for a ride. I know it's probably just circumstancial, but this also happened to me in 2 other jobs-Especially one I got treated quite unfairly. I am wondering if I am some kind of a magnet for that sort of thing...it's also not helping my anxieties at all....anyone else ever felt like this? Sorry for the ramble, but this site means a lot to me during these sort of times. :)

[Anxious_gal]

If your partner is unwilling to help you out with the house work and then you accept it by staying with him.

You have to learn to put yourself first, it's ok to say no to people. Their needs are not more important than yours.

You are teaching people how to treat you, by always saying yes to them you are making it loud and clear you view their needs more important than your own.

There's a difference between being nice and helpful and letting people use you. You are a good person and decent people would appreciate you and would understand that you can't put their needs first every time. They'd care about your needs too and would return the favours. It's a two way street.

What your boss is doing is unfair' if the other employees can't do their job that they are paid to do they should be sacked. You shouldn't have to take the slack, I assume you aren't getting paid extra for doing so.


I know it's hard but if you are tired and fed up with things you have to do something about it. Being a bit selfish is good for you as there as too many people out there that take advantage of good people.

Everyone is equal. You are just as important as anyone else you just need to really believe that.

Maybe do a bit of googling on being afraid to say no or being a people pleaser.

Don't say yes when you want to say to say no!!

Otherwise you're going to feel resentful.

[Tessar]

Hey you don't have to apologise for your post, I appreciate where you are coming from. I don't know about you, but being assertive doesn't come naturally. I was never brought up to question anyone or anything.... So standing up for myself proves difficult.
As regards being a magnet for this kind of thing, that rings true for me as well. It's rather like that for me as well.
The other day my manager made some comment that I could help my colleague because "she is run off her feet". Well as it happens my manager didnt bother to check if I was busy (as it happens I was). The trouble is, some people make a real song & dance about their workload whereas those of us who quietly go about our work & don't make any fuss, do get walked all over at times.
It's true as well that somehow some people do always seem to have excuses lined up. Maybe it is time up that you had reasons of your own for not being out upon. They wouldn't be excuses because rather than excusing yourself all the time, you would simply be asking for what is entirely reasonable, i.e. you are only expected to do your share and not more than that continually.
In the end, it seems that other people do take advantage of some others in life. I suppose some of the people in your life aren't aware how much they are putting upon you. Or maybe they do. Bit they have pushed the limits for too long now and it is affecting your well being.

You could look into why it is that you do things for others. In the case of my parents, I did way more than my share "out of a sense if duty". In the end, despite it making me feel guilty I gradually reduced how much I did for them. I have several brothers & thought it was time they took a turn!

At work, I now am in the habit, when given a task very late in the day, if I really cannot stay, I will explain that I can't do the task that evening. Much to my surprise, I have been greeted with reactions from my manger such as"that's ok But if you can do it first thing" or "oh I didn't mean you had to do it right now".
I do sometimes stay quite late but i will not do it every night.
I have a colleague who does stay til way too late most evenings. I have told her many times that she needs to think about her life outside work. That it isn't worth spending extra hours at work, not at the detriment to her family or her own well-being for that matter. But she still does it.

It did worry me sometimes about leaving on time, especially with my other colleague often still there. But I haven't had a bad reaction from my bosses. I believe that is because they know I am committed to my job (I am sure your bosses must be able to see you are too). In the end though, through wasting hours if my life at work (in previous jobs) I have learned that my life outside work is more important to me than ever before. It sounds to me like that is the conclusion you have come to as well.

I used to worry that they'd think badly of me but quite frankly I don't se why anyone should ever feel bad for having a life outside work and neither should you.

It would be a good idea to read up about assertiveness.

I cant remember if i've mentioned this website before but There's some really good information here........
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

I am still trying to be assertive. I am slowly getting there & often refer to this information. You have a read of this info as its really very helpful.

Oh and There is nothing wrong with turning people down when it comes to giving help. You are as entitled as the next person to having a bit of fun in life.... Is no good for you at all if favours people ask are having this much impact on you.

Oh, this link takes you to the bit about saying no and is very relevant.....
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%206.pdf

Finally, I am not surprised you feel so very frustrated but hopefully with helpful information like this and everyone's support & encouragement, you will get there and have a much happier balance in your life.

[Iced_diamond]

Anxious Gal and Tessar: Thank you both very much for your replies. I actually managed to get my other half to do some chores for me the other night, which is a good thing. :) As for the work issue, I decided to take on the challenge, but take it at my own pace and remind myself that nobody else would do it, so in how much trouble could I get for at least trying? I will try to stop being too hard on myself. Thank you for your encouragement.
Tessar, thank you very much for the links and I will make sure I read these when I have 5 Minutes peace. :) I'm sure they'll be informative and help me. I did once attend an assertiveness course, but I can't remember a lot of it. You're right though, I have been in the past described as a people pleaser and I think once you are one, you will probably always be one, but you can at least try to rationalise with yourself a bit and give yourself a break when you need it. :)
Thanks a lot.

[Tessar]

Good luck Iced_Diamind.... Even tho u'v historically been a people pleaser... It is possible to change. Something my counsellor said to me was that when I am assertive, even tho it worries me I might upset somebody, my idea of being forceful is probably barely on someone else's scale. So when I feel likely to upset someone, they will probably think I am just being reasonable & they won't think badly of me at all. Indeed some people actually respond favourably when you don't just roll over. Anyway, I am certain u will find the info helpful. I read some of it today as I was going to the dentist & needed to be strong. ironically he did what I wanted without me having to ask but I was as prepared as I could be.
I'm glad your other half did some chores. Can u believe I get worried that I don't do enough & my partner won't approve. I have 2 tell her not to do everything because we work at different paces or I prefer to do the chores at different times to her. I have had to try & explain that to her but sometimes she forgets. But we r working on it.

[Iced_diamond]

Thank you Tessar-already had a look at some of the info-it's good material-now I just need to try and use it in my every day life. I hope your dentist appointment went well! :) I am due to an appointment, but always put it off, as I'm not a huge dentist fan!