LDB
01-10-13, 07:38
I've been having frightening numbing of my brain as I fall asleep, waking me up. It's an intense white noise like feeling that isn't too dissimilar from the sound of the HBO logo card in length and shape.
Violent numbing is the best way I can describe them. They are bit similar to the feeling of fainting -- only stopping at the numbing of the brain, eyes and ears before I startle awake -- but more intense and swift.
I have nicknamed these startling events as "gunshots," due to the length and intensity.
They are preceded by more vivid dream visuals than any from recent memory. It is very scary and happens repeatedly until I get up and give up on sleeping.
In my waking hours, I've been going through a very stressful time activating my anxiety. I've also been fainting more often lately, something that has been rare since my teenage years. I was blaming it on diet for awhile, but have also noticed it happening when I get scared or worried about anything. In the waking ones specifically tied to fear, I can usually will myself from fainting completely -- again stopping at just the numbing at the brain, the eyes or the ears.
I guess I should take a moment to describe how I interpret a normal faint -- for instance when I stretch above my head for an extended period of time, then stand up: First of all my brain goes numb. Followed quickly by a white noise in my ears and a slower creeping purple color blinds my eyes. Then my arms go numb, making them hard to keep aloft. The numbness then follows throughout my whole body ending at the feet. At this point, I usually collapse onto the floor only feeling the falling motion, but not the impact.
A little while back I told my wife that I enjoyed the feeling of fainting sometimes. The last month -- with it's fainting, half-faints and "gunshots" -- has made me completely changed my opinion. I do not like this at all.
My first thought is that this is caused by a new prescription that I've been taking in the last month. After I stopped taking the medication -- Risperidone, an anti-psychotic that was prescribed to me to fight my often crippling social anxiety -- I also noticed that my emotional baseline was very flat.
If emotions were colors on the HSB color picker in Photoshop, when I was on the medication it was as if the saturation slider had been turned down to the point that emotional hues were almost imperceptible from grey. My emotions before the pill were seldom "Neon," but more of what I feel was a healthy vibrancy. However, the feeling I experienced on the pill was that of an emotional sepia tone.
For example, this weekend was my birthday. I neither got excited or really cared about my birthday in the moments prior. A dear friend drove six hours to spend the week with me, and I was happy to see her in a grey sort of way. When it came time to go out to dinner to celebrate, my wife had colluded with two other great friends for them to have made the same six hour drive to celebrate my day. My reaction to this was not joy or excitement, but rather confusion at them being there. I spent time with the three and we ended up staying up until five am talking, but I never rose to any emotion other than mildly thankful to have them there. These are three of my best friends in this world, and I could only muster up low level enthusiasm.
After the surprise guests left on their long drive back, I tried to take a nap. Like every other time I tried taking a nap this month, I experienced the "gunshots." It was at that point I decided to stop taking the Risperidone.
Without the pill, when I went to bed at the normal hour, I didn't have any trouble falling asleep. When I awoke I noticed the vast difference in the emotional saturation and enjoyed my last day with the first dear friend.
However, tonight as I tried to go to bed -- again at the normal hour -- I shot up with these "gunshots," prompting me to take the time to write this all down.
From what I've read, I don't think I'd classify these as hypnic jerks -- that feeling where while sleeping it feels like you're falling, causing you to startle awake. I've had that happen, those in bed sky diving sessions never worried me. These "gunshots" are violent feeling and scary.
I know they are likely tied to my anxiety and I've had a lot to worry about lately, but I really need for them to stop. I need the half-faints and full faints to stop, too. I don't need to be fearing my body's physical reaction to fear. That will only serve to feed itself in a feedback loop.
Violent numbing is the best way I can describe them. They are bit similar to the feeling of fainting -- only stopping at the numbing of the brain, eyes and ears before I startle awake -- but more intense and swift.
I have nicknamed these startling events as "gunshots," due to the length and intensity.
They are preceded by more vivid dream visuals than any from recent memory. It is very scary and happens repeatedly until I get up and give up on sleeping.
In my waking hours, I've been going through a very stressful time activating my anxiety. I've also been fainting more often lately, something that has been rare since my teenage years. I was blaming it on diet for awhile, but have also noticed it happening when I get scared or worried about anything. In the waking ones specifically tied to fear, I can usually will myself from fainting completely -- again stopping at just the numbing at the brain, the eyes or the ears.
I guess I should take a moment to describe how I interpret a normal faint -- for instance when I stretch above my head for an extended period of time, then stand up: First of all my brain goes numb. Followed quickly by a white noise in my ears and a slower creeping purple color blinds my eyes. Then my arms go numb, making them hard to keep aloft. The numbness then follows throughout my whole body ending at the feet. At this point, I usually collapse onto the floor only feeling the falling motion, but not the impact.
A little while back I told my wife that I enjoyed the feeling of fainting sometimes. The last month -- with it's fainting, half-faints and "gunshots" -- has made me completely changed my opinion. I do not like this at all.
My first thought is that this is caused by a new prescription that I've been taking in the last month. After I stopped taking the medication -- Risperidone, an anti-psychotic that was prescribed to me to fight my often crippling social anxiety -- I also noticed that my emotional baseline was very flat.
If emotions were colors on the HSB color picker in Photoshop, when I was on the medication it was as if the saturation slider had been turned down to the point that emotional hues were almost imperceptible from grey. My emotions before the pill were seldom "Neon," but more of what I feel was a healthy vibrancy. However, the feeling I experienced on the pill was that of an emotional sepia tone.
For example, this weekend was my birthday. I neither got excited or really cared about my birthday in the moments prior. A dear friend drove six hours to spend the week with me, and I was happy to see her in a grey sort of way. When it came time to go out to dinner to celebrate, my wife had colluded with two other great friends for them to have made the same six hour drive to celebrate my day. My reaction to this was not joy or excitement, but rather confusion at them being there. I spent time with the three and we ended up staying up until five am talking, but I never rose to any emotion other than mildly thankful to have them there. These are three of my best friends in this world, and I could only muster up low level enthusiasm.
After the surprise guests left on their long drive back, I tried to take a nap. Like every other time I tried taking a nap this month, I experienced the "gunshots." It was at that point I decided to stop taking the Risperidone.
Without the pill, when I went to bed at the normal hour, I didn't have any trouble falling asleep. When I awoke I noticed the vast difference in the emotional saturation and enjoyed my last day with the first dear friend.
However, tonight as I tried to go to bed -- again at the normal hour -- I shot up with these "gunshots," prompting me to take the time to write this all down.
From what I've read, I don't think I'd classify these as hypnic jerks -- that feeling where while sleeping it feels like you're falling, causing you to startle awake. I've had that happen, those in bed sky diving sessions never worried me. These "gunshots" are violent feeling and scary.
I know they are likely tied to my anxiety and I've had a lot to worry about lately, but I really need for them to stop. I need the half-faints and full faints to stop, too. I don't need to be fearing my body's physical reaction to fear. That will only serve to feed itself in a feedback loop.