Just existing, not living my life.

[sophieunderscore]

Hello Everyone,

I haven't posted here for a long time, but have been using the chatroom frequently as I am going through a rough patch at the moment.

In August my dad got a new job in London and told me that he and mum would be renting a flat over there and that I could stay in the family home. After he told me I began having thoughts about the future and death and getting really anxious. Then I began to doubt my 6 year relationship with my boyfriend was the right thing. And then almost obsessive thoughts about what would happen when my parents die, how would I cope, I'm so reliant on them!

Anyway, over the past month these thoughts have gotten worse and worse. My relationship ended as my boyfriend couldn't cope with my depression and anxiety and I had been pushing him away, saying we should split up etc. My parents have now moved away, and although they're only away for a week this time, this will increase soon. At the same time as all of this is happening I am unsure about what to do about the full time PhD I am being funded for. I have been doing it for 12 months today, and have had 5 months off already due to anxiety. I haven't enjoyed the topic since I started and I feel like it is the root of all my problems. However, I'm scared to leave as I don't know what else I will do.

At the moment I feel like I am just trying to make it through each day and wake up the next morning. I can't stop thinking about death and how terrifying it is, and how everything seems so pointless if it could end any second. I have no real friends, just some people I meet up with once or twice a year because they live so far away. I am completely reliant on my mum for company and I am terrified that I will never become independent from her and my dad and will just fall apart when they die. I'm scared I will be single and alone forever. I'm 25 and I feel like my time is running out and I'm so scared.

Sorry for this big rambly post but I just needed to get it all out.

[Jean18]

Sounds like u have a lot on your plate! I think you should seriously start looking for other jobs aside from your phd, I just finished masters and it has made my whole year miserable because of how much it stressed me out an how little interest I had in the project. I now have a new job- just working at an aquarium shop with fishies :) and I love it! It's relaxing, I'm with good chilled out people- I've found that it has helped my health anxiety sooo much. I know what you mean about worrying about the future- I'm in a 2 year relationship and its been put to the test this year with my anxiety, luckily we've stayed together and battled through but sometimes I think- how will I be with anyone else? Who would but up with this (me)? And how am I suppose to have kids with this anxiety looming over me?

My advice I to just take it one day at a time. Dont beat yourself up, you need to be supportive and patient if you want to get stronger. Are you seeing a therapist? Sounds like you just really need someone to chat to and get your thoughts straight. Also, do your parents know about your depression?

[sophieunderscore]

I loved my masters and was planning to do a PhD part time alongside working as a teaching assistant, however this one was advertised and was funded so I went for it and got it and hated it lol. I feel like choosing to do it was such a terrible decision, and everything seems to have gone wrong since I started it :weep:.

I am waiting for an appointment with a counseller, but I may have to go privately as it's taking such a long time. I just feel so useless and pathetic. My parents know about my depression and are so supportive, I just hate that I'm like this and they can't just live their own lives without me making things difficult.

[Jean18]

I haven't suffered from full-blown depression, just the really down moments that come with anxiety. My housemate has suffered from it for years now though so I do know a fair bit about it. You really need to stop beating yourself up about it, you're not in a good place right now but if you really want to move on then you will, slowly but surely. It's not until you start talking to people about things like anxiety and depression that you realise how many people are in the same boat- how many people are suffering right along side you. You're not pathetic, something like 1 in 8 people suffer from depression particularly young adults. You're doing a lot better than some be admitting that you have a problem and trying to get help. You may find that antidepressants do wonders for you, it all depends on your body chemistry really. Or maybe just therapy will get u out if your rutt. Either way I think you really need to try and find another job- you've pinpointed the major issue in your life now you just have to get rid of it