Feel on the verge of a complete breakdown

[xvolatileheart]

I've been battling this since the beginning of last year and while it has stayed pretty consistently bad for the majority of this time, I feel like I'm taking a sharp decline. I can't handle anything anymore, everything feels out of control, my symptoms are constant and overwhelming (especially derealisation), I have nothing that calms me down or makes me feel okay. I feel like if I get any worse than this, I will officially have to be committed to the looney bin because this is the breaking point.

I'm too terrified to start citalopram because any worsening of my symptoms will tip me right over the edge which I can't cope with. The crazy thing is, I hide it so well that no one knows I'm suffering. I tell people but not the severity as it would freak people out, but they all just say "you don't seem it at all!" so I doubt anyone really believes me anyway.

I told my husband that I want a separation, but he is my only support here. All of my family is back in the US. We are still living together and it feels so uncomfortable. I want to go running back to him and tell him I'm sorry, and I know he would take me right back, but that's not fair to him if I'm just going to him out of desparation. I can't take time off of work because I'm temping and can't afford to not be earning. I need to finish my application for medical school but can't even face that right now.

I've lost my grip on everything, how can this be happening? :weep:

[Brunette]

Do you genuinely want to leave your husband or is it the anxiety that's making you feel that way?

Either way it might help to back and stay with your family for a while to "regroup" as it were. Are you able to take time off work?

[jayjoe18]

I can totally understand how you feel, I feel the same right now too.

Is there anyone close to you that you could confide in about your anxiety? A friend maybe? Is there anyone who you could stay with for support whilst your going though this?

If it is getting to the point where you really can't cope I'd go and see your GP and maybe be signed off work for a while? I know it's not what you want but sometimes you have to put your health first, you don't want things spiralling any more out of control.

As for the meds, I know you've said in a few posts that you want to start but are too afraid, I'm the same as you know, do you have anyone to support you and help you get on the meds? Can you speak to your GP, maybe they could help you or put you in touch with someone who can help through the process of starting up if that's what you want to do?

I don't really know what help is available as like I said I'm in the same boat, but just know you always have people here who can help and who you can talk to.

I really feel for you, it's so difficult when you need help but getting that help is terrifying :hugs:

[Anxious_gal]

Move back with your family for the support? Drugs only help so much so you should really be in therapy too. CBT can give you some good tools to help you cope better.

[xvolatileheart]

Brunette, I feel so confused that I can't really say. I haven't been able to sift out what's "real" and what's "anxiety" since this all started. There have certainly been things making me unhappy in this relationship for a long time, but if it weren't for the anxiety, maybe I wouldn't have given up on us yet.

Unfortunately I don't have the finances to take time off work or fly back to the states right now. My parents would buy me a ticket if it were a worst case scenario, but I'm trying not to worry them with this.

I have some lovely friends who listen but again, I try not to burden them. We're all young and living in London so space is very tight. One friend offered for me to stay with him but that could lead down a tricky road, won't get into all the details of that...

Getting signed off work is a last case scenario because I don't know how I could afford it, but if it gets to that point, I will speak to my GP.

My husband told me today he wants to help me start the meds and that he will be here for me, I just feel so guilty asking for his support when I've just told him I want to separate. He said he doesn't care, it's the least he could do for me but I know deep down he's hoping that it will save "us". I think I'm going to have to take him up on the offer though, even though I feel bad, because it could be the only thing to help me. I also need to call the psychologists tomorrow to see about getting therapy during this.

Thank you both so much for your advice and support. It just helps having a place to vent and knowing others understand how I feel to some degree. :hugs:

[nosweat]

Hello xvolatile heart, I have derealization at times and I actually had to check in somewhere. It terrified me going in but everyone there was going through a crisis and it helped me A LOT talking with others and to know that things can get that bad yet happiness is on the other side. I was basically suffering from terrible panic derealization and depression (not to mention chronic pain). You may not have to check in somewhere but my best advice is to stay in the present moment. To get through this thinking about the future may only bring on really bad worry. Take each day one by one and make check points. The funny thing is, how bad i felt was not something anyone could pick up on by observing my body language- I look so calm! No one will know unless you tell them. I hope you feel better and hang in there :)

[Speranza]

Sweetheart, I think possibly it has 'got to that point'. If I were you I would go back to the doctor, explain your problem with the meds, and ask for a referral via IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies). You should be assessed really quickly and directed to some 'first aid' - then you will be in touch with other people who understand and can support you.

You mention several stressful things and it sounds as though you need support untangling them. I think it would be fine to access your husband's support; he knows the score, you have been honest. I think if I were him I would feel guilty about having uprooted you and this happening.

How long have you lived here? Are you in any groups for Americans in the UK? That might help too. Homesickness can have a significant impact on our relationships and mental health - I remember only too well the awfulness of thinking I was stuck in a marriage because I couldn't afford the flight home.

Perhaps offer your family a diluted version of how you are feeling, because they will have picked up on their radar that something is wrong (I speak as a Mum of daughters abroad) and will be worried that you aren't telling them...

Much love

Gill x

[xvolatileheart]

nosweat - thank you so much for your kind words. What treatment did you end up getting to help you recover?

Gill, you are so sweet, thank you! I've lived here for four years and I've never looked for any groups for Americans in the UK. I do have one American friend but she's going back in a month. I will send my mom a little message this weekend as she is aware that I'm going through a rough patch but I haven't told her any details. :hugs: