Marie1994
01-10-13, 22:20
Alright, so I apologize in advance if this seems to run on forever and become repetitive. I discovered this forum today, and I was honestly amazed at how many people struggle with the same symptoms and feelings I am faced with daily. It truly opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone afterall.
Anyway, throughout my whole life (on and off) I have suffered from anxiety over different things. For example, in elementary school I used to excessively worry that my parents would not pick me up from school or forget about me somewhere since I did not take the school bus. It seems silly to look back on, but as many of you know, when you are going through bouts of anxiety it sure feels like the real deal.
Anyway, that phase passed and middle school began. I often had periods of intense feelings of sadness for no reason at all and hot sweats. I had thoughts of hurting myself even though I had no intention of doing so, and I really struggled with this realization. Needless to say, this period of time passed as well.
In 8th grade in history class, we were shown a very graphic movie of the JFK assassination that occured in the early 60's. I am not good with violence, blood, etc. and the video of the killing would replay in my head over and over and it seemed as if I could not stop it. I know this sounds absolutely crazy, and that is how I felt while this was occuring. These violent images passed with time as well, but I was left dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression that I did not know how to deal with.
Fast forward to the summer of 2009. I went through another episode of severe depression. I honestly had never felt so low in my life. It was everything I could do just to get out of bed every morning and face another day. I truly had no reason to be sad - I was not stressed out about anything, I was not in a bad relationship, my home life was fine. Intrusive thoughts started to seep back into my mindset. I had horrible thoughts regarding suicide and even hurting members of my family who I love very much. It affected my attention span in school and made me fearful everyday that I would act on these horrible thoughts. This was right around the time Michael Jackson died and was plastered on every news station. The last thing a person with anxiety/depression wants to do is watch the news, but unfortunately I was in the room when I heard a story about a mentally disturbed woman committing suicide in hopes of "being with Michael Jackson" in the "afterlife".
Now, I know this is going to sound CRAZY and I am not even a huge Michael Jackson fan myself, but because I heard this story on the news, I began believing I wanted to do the same thing. I would dwell and dwell on this thought constantly. It scared me so much because I did not know how to deal with it. I would tell my mother every thought/feeling I was having and although she could not help completely, talking to her always seemed to lessen my depression/anxiety.
These thoughts eventually passed as well and I was able to look back at them and not think much about the subject. However, this past summer I came down with a horrible stomach virus and was in and out of the hospital. Throughout this rough patch, my depression came back along with severe anxiety that I have not beforehand experienced. I was having horrible anxiety attacks, shaking, muscle twitches, the whole 9 yards. My mother took me to see my doctor who prescribed Zoloft, starting me off at 25 mg. It has now been a little over a month since I started the medicine, and I am now at 150 mg. The medication has helped tremendously with the anxiety, so much that I can say I am almost anxiety-free. However, I still have bouts of sadness every now and then and some of the horrible thoughts I was once having come around every now and then, but it is like I am able to push them out of the way and function "normally".
I guess I shared this story with you all because nobody besides my mother knows everything, not even my therapist who I have only spoken with twice so far. I guess I find comfort in opening up to people who (hopefully) find some sort of connection in all this madness. Any comments/stories/advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you all for your time & understanding.
Anyway, throughout my whole life (on and off) I have suffered from anxiety over different things. For example, in elementary school I used to excessively worry that my parents would not pick me up from school or forget about me somewhere since I did not take the school bus. It seems silly to look back on, but as many of you know, when you are going through bouts of anxiety it sure feels like the real deal.
Anyway, that phase passed and middle school began. I often had periods of intense feelings of sadness for no reason at all and hot sweats. I had thoughts of hurting myself even though I had no intention of doing so, and I really struggled with this realization. Needless to say, this period of time passed as well.
In 8th grade in history class, we were shown a very graphic movie of the JFK assassination that occured in the early 60's. I am not good with violence, blood, etc. and the video of the killing would replay in my head over and over and it seemed as if I could not stop it. I know this sounds absolutely crazy, and that is how I felt while this was occuring. These violent images passed with time as well, but I was left dealing with feelings of anxiety and depression that I did not know how to deal with.
Fast forward to the summer of 2009. I went through another episode of severe depression. I honestly had never felt so low in my life. It was everything I could do just to get out of bed every morning and face another day. I truly had no reason to be sad - I was not stressed out about anything, I was not in a bad relationship, my home life was fine. Intrusive thoughts started to seep back into my mindset. I had horrible thoughts regarding suicide and even hurting members of my family who I love very much. It affected my attention span in school and made me fearful everyday that I would act on these horrible thoughts. This was right around the time Michael Jackson died and was plastered on every news station. The last thing a person with anxiety/depression wants to do is watch the news, but unfortunately I was in the room when I heard a story about a mentally disturbed woman committing suicide in hopes of "being with Michael Jackson" in the "afterlife".
Now, I know this is going to sound CRAZY and I am not even a huge Michael Jackson fan myself, but because I heard this story on the news, I began believing I wanted to do the same thing. I would dwell and dwell on this thought constantly. It scared me so much because I did not know how to deal with it. I would tell my mother every thought/feeling I was having and although she could not help completely, talking to her always seemed to lessen my depression/anxiety.
These thoughts eventually passed as well and I was able to look back at them and not think much about the subject. However, this past summer I came down with a horrible stomach virus and was in and out of the hospital. Throughout this rough patch, my depression came back along with severe anxiety that I have not beforehand experienced. I was having horrible anxiety attacks, shaking, muscle twitches, the whole 9 yards. My mother took me to see my doctor who prescribed Zoloft, starting me off at 25 mg. It has now been a little over a month since I started the medicine, and I am now at 150 mg. The medication has helped tremendously with the anxiety, so much that I can say I am almost anxiety-free. However, I still have bouts of sadness every now and then and some of the horrible thoughts I was once having come around every now and then, but it is like I am able to push them out of the way and function "normally".
I guess I shared this story with you all because nobody besides my mother knows everything, not even my therapist who I have only spoken with twice so far. I guess I find comfort in opening up to people who (hopefully) find some sort of connection in all this madness. Any comments/stories/advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you all for your time & understanding.