Icequeen
02-10-13, 09:15
i guess my biggest step was admitting i need help... now i'm getting help, i need support, and advice to help me continue...
I suppose i should explain why i'm here, and how i got here, so in brief...
3 years ago, i ended a 10 year relationship
2 months later, my Grandma died (she was 94!)
6 months later, my uncle died (at 60) he suffered paranoid schizoprenia and PTS after serving in the army, recieved no help or support. he self harmed, and lived with Grandma as her "carer" but they depended on each other. when she died, he gave up living, ended up in a phsyc ward in hospital, gave up eating and living all together, wasted away and eventually died. This is the point my "tick" appeared but i never acknowledged it as a bad thing, other than a little "stress"
soo ver the next few years, i hit a phase of drinking, being used by men, losing all sense of responsability (yes, i am ashamed)
18 months ago, i moved into my own place.' exciting yet totally terrifying
a year ago, i started seeing a man, it started sexual but over the christmas we fell in love. 6 months ago, he lost his mum and dad to cancer 2 weeks apart, he took it rough but being a typical man refused help. i supported him, put up with his emotions and whatever else came our way and we fought on... little did i know that this situation, on top of the past 3 years was wearing me down at a rapid rate of gnots now... he took a week away to see his son, 200 miles away... this is when i broke down... him going was like a release for me, in a good but bad way. i didnt have to hold him up suddenly but i was exhauseted and had hit breaking point... one day i woke up in panic, crisis, tears flowed non stop for 3 days after that and i knew i needed help so i rushed doctors. they gave me Citalopram 20mg and 2 weeks later, here i am. still on my own whilst he stays 200 miles away not knowing what im going through...
so week 1 on citalopram was a bit of a head rush, i took them initially at at morning time but i felt queezy and confused, dazed. drowsy but couldnt sleep. i cant get through my days like that so i take them evening time. getting to sleep sucks but i do then sleep, wake once or twice between 1-3am but then at 6am i wake at my alarm which i havent done in a long time. i'm on day 10... feeling numb and emotionless, my eyes ache but i feel awake and not sleepy which i kinda like but in my head, theres so much going on, i feel almost coma state, nothing is comign out my mouth yet i almost feel ok... its weird how i feel. theres a sense i'm lost, empty... but i feel good in that i havent cried, adn that i got out of bed this morning.
im staying at work at the moment, it gives me purpose to get up but i feel i cant be here? i feel i cant do anything, my body doesnt want to work. i dont want to talk.
i hate public and being around people, i cant go shopping without a friend or my mum to hold my hand... but i am scared to be alone although when i am alone, the peace is nice...
what of this is reality, and what of it isn't... i seem lsot in a space between the both and its hard but kinda peaceful, tranquil almost...
i'm scared of everything yet nothign at the same time, scared of tomorrow but i dont know why... scared i cant handle this but i know i can...
so much more thoughts but i think i;ve rambled enough... sorry to anyone who has stuck out reading this...
*sigh*
sorry, i kept that brief as i could but there really is a lot there!!
so thats me, thats where i'm at...
xx
I suppose i should explain why i'm here, and how i got here, so in brief...
3 years ago, i ended a 10 year relationship
2 months later, my Grandma died (she was 94!)
6 months later, my uncle died (at 60) he suffered paranoid schizoprenia and PTS after serving in the army, recieved no help or support. he self harmed, and lived with Grandma as her "carer" but they depended on each other. when she died, he gave up living, ended up in a phsyc ward in hospital, gave up eating and living all together, wasted away and eventually died. This is the point my "tick" appeared but i never acknowledged it as a bad thing, other than a little "stress"
soo ver the next few years, i hit a phase of drinking, being used by men, losing all sense of responsability (yes, i am ashamed)
18 months ago, i moved into my own place.' exciting yet totally terrifying
a year ago, i started seeing a man, it started sexual but over the christmas we fell in love. 6 months ago, he lost his mum and dad to cancer 2 weeks apart, he took it rough but being a typical man refused help. i supported him, put up with his emotions and whatever else came our way and we fought on... little did i know that this situation, on top of the past 3 years was wearing me down at a rapid rate of gnots now... he took a week away to see his son, 200 miles away... this is when i broke down... him going was like a release for me, in a good but bad way. i didnt have to hold him up suddenly but i was exhauseted and had hit breaking point... one day i woke up in panic, crisis, tears flowed non stop for 3 days after that and i knew i needed help so i rushed doctors. they gave me Citalopram 20mg and 2 weeks later, here i am. still on my own whilst he stays 200 miles away not knowing what im going through...
so week 1 on citalopram was a bit of a head rush, i took them initially at at morning time but i felt queezy and confused, dazed. drowsy but couldnt sleep. i cant get through my days like that so i take them evening time. getting to sleep sucks but i do then sleep, wake once or twice between 1-3am but then at 6am i wake at my alarm which i havent done in a long time. i'm on day 10... feeling numb and emotionless, my eyes ache but i feel awake and not sleepy which i kinda like but in my head, theres so much going on, i feel almost coma state, nothing is comign out my mouth yet i almost feel ok... its weird how i feel. theres a sense i'm lost, empty... but i feel good in that i havent cried, adn that i got out of bed this morning.
im staying at work at the moment, it gives me purpose to get up but i feel i cant be here? i feel i cant do anything, my body doesnt want to work. i dont want to talk.
i hate public and being around people, i cant go shopping without a friend or my mum to hold my hand... but i am scared to be alone although when i am alone, the peace is nice...
what of this is reality, and what of it isn't... i seem lsot in a space between the both and its hard but kinda peaceful, tranquil almost...
i'm scared of everything yet nothign at the same time, scared of tomorrow but i dont know why... scared i cant handle this but i know i can...
so much more thoughts but i think i;ve rambled enough... sorry to anyone who has stuck out reading this...
*sigh*
sorry, i kept that brief as i could but there really is a lot there!!
so thats me, thats where i'm at...
xx