Having a really bad day, can't even eat one weetabix

[dancingfrog]

Ok so my phobia today has gone crazy. I can't even eat a wheetabix. I've landed a new job and start Monday, this is really putting the pressure on me as I know I need to be healthy to work otherwise I will pass out. On the other hand I'm terrified of eating., my parents are trying to force it down me they won't let me take my time. Knowing I won't have time to eat when I'm at work is terrifying me. I'm going to the docs again tomorrow to make sure my weight is not plummeting, I need to get better quick. Otherwise I lose my job before it's started. At the moment I just want to give up!

[suki300]

Don't give up and don't worry if you have an off day. Doesn't help that your parents are forcing you, but they are obviously very worried and often friends and family don't know how to help.

How long is your lunch break? An hour, that should be time to have something, you could go for high calorie food (banana, mushed avacodo mixed with smooth peanut butter).

Don't be harsh on yourself and it's good you are going back to the doctors.

[dancingfrog]

It will probably be an half an hour. I've read that peanut butter is a big choking risk. I will probably have soup. Can I eat shepherds pie. Thinking of blending my foods now so I can actually eat something!

[suki300]

Smooth peanut butter mixed in with something else won't be the same as eating it on it's own (it's high calorie and full of protein). I've heard peanuts can be a choking risk in small children, but not peanut butter.

Even if you eat slowly, you should manage quite a bit in half an hour. Something is better than nothing though.

[dancingfrog]

I'm at breaking point I want to eat soo bad, I'm fine with anything soft and mushy and obviously liquids, I've just had a chocolate mousse and didn't think once about choking. I think the main thing to do before I can see the counsellor is just eat as much as what I find safe as possible. Even if this does require me blending my food to a purée. Although I assume I will have to eat a lot of that to keep me going. Hopefully when I got to the doctors tomorrow I can get some more advise for coping in the meantime. All I want to do is sleep!

---------- Post added at 11:00 ---------- Previous post was at 10:56 ----------

I'm also adding calories in everything I can for example a tablespoon of oil is 100 calories as is a tablespoon of butter. Add both of them to my soup and it takes it up from 180 to 380 calories along with my yogurt and jam for afters I'm having around 500 calories in a serving, I'm adding milk protein to anything I can and also whey protein to dollops of ice cream at night. I know this is probably not good in the long term but anything that keeps me going will do for now! Suki thanks for your help I'm feeling more optimistic now!

---------- Post added at 11:02 ---------- Previous post was at 11:00 ----------

Wow I didn't realise how many calories were in a cup of mashed avacado, 300 odd that's great stuff to know, will try it tomorrow? Thanks Suki

[suki300]

That's great Dancing frog, you're doing really well, and as you can see there are lots of things you can eat. Like you say, as long as you're eating something, that's good and keeping those calories up with the little things (like butter) will all add up.

Well done.

Avacados mash really well and they are very good for you too. Incidentally, if you go to the health food store (or even the supermarket), you can buy foods like mushroom pate (normal pate too), that have no bits in, but they'll add a different taste sensation for you.

It's really encouraging that you can eat somethings without your fear interfering - such as the chocolate mousse - keep going.

If you can blend your meals, that would be an excellent way to help your nutritional intake.

[dancingfrog]

I'm feeling much more positive I've read that avacados help with your mood too. Mash it up with a bit of ill and it's a meal really, tbh I don't give a hoot about how I'm eating it now as long as I'm eating it. If it's mushed who cares their calories are still going in the same way. Another worry I have however is that the liquid and mash foods will do damage to my tongue, and stop me from speaking properly or make my muscles lazy, even though at the moment because of my subconscious I still mimicking chewing yogurts or stuff like that. Can you identify anything from my diet I may be missing. I'll give you a quick run down of what I'm having today.

Breakfast: I had one weetabix soaked in milk then drained as I can't drink milk on its own. I mixed the milk with some milk powder and put some sugar on it. Alongside this I am having a glass of lucozade ( I know it's not the best option but it's an extra 175 calories.
Snacks: I've had two chocolate mousses, again I know full of sugar but it's better than nothing.

This is what I plan on having for the rest of the day
Dinner: one tin of chicken soup with a tablespoon of oil and butter then I follow that will a large serving of yogurt with strawberry jam mixed in. Then I'll probs have some juice or lucozade.

Tea time: I have a shepherds pie in the fridge for team god knows how I'm going to eat this the mash will be fine, how I'm going to eat the meat and veg part is beyond me ( may need some help with that)
Snacks after tea: I'm going to have some icecream about three scoops with whey powder mixed in for my protein. I'm worried in not getting enough fruit in, might make a banana and strawberry purée to eat.

How does this all sound?

Suki thanks so much

---------- Post added at 11:43 ---------- Previous post was at 11:42 ----------

Sorry again for more replying, I looked at the page but it looked sticky and hard to swallow, anyway to get this down me, I like pate, shame I can't eat it on crackers, haha!

[suki300]

I really don't think you can damage your taste buds from eating mashed and liquid foods, otherwise, we'd all have no taste buds left from when we were babies.

We can always all eat more nutrients etc, but i wouldn't think about that now, the diet isn't ideal, but you're concentrating on getting some calories in. Like you say something is better than nothing. Eating things like bananas, soup (particularly if it's homemade) and avacados will be a good way to help. Ideally if you could mix with peanut butter that would be more protein, but just go with what you can. The doctor will have some advice as well.

[dancingfrog]

Yeah I know it's not great but I'm hungry and I'm glad, three days ago when I was at my worst I felt so nauseous I couldn't stomach soup. The doctor was really positive she just said if you need to eat things mushy eat them mushy as long as you are eating. I know it sounds silly but I'm sure that by the time I'm eating all this mushy stuff I'm still going to end up getting the same calories in me than before. My threshold for how much calories in need to keep my weight the same is around 1500 calories. So I think I will be fine, as you say as long as I'm eating. I'm feeling loads better than earlier, I just wanted to crawl under a rock forever!

---------- Post added at 11:54 ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 ----------

I love making soups but while I've been down I've not been making them however I will when I'm getting better, sneak extra cream etc in there, more calories plus I can control the consistency.

---------- Post added at 12:16 ---------- Previous post was at 11:54 ----------

Also I don't know if this is bad for you but there are 100 odd calories in a tablespoon o mayonnaise and I've been having some mayo too, just to give me those extra calories. This is probably really bad!

---------- Post added at 14:23 ---------- Previous post was at 12:16 ----------

Managed to eat my fortified soup and my yogurt with jam and milk powder. My sister has just really upset me though saying that this is all my fault and my phobia isn't extreme because if it was I wouldn't be able to put anything in my mouth as I can die on thin air. She's really making me feel bad, I was fine with the fish pie yesterday and now I'm terrified as she said I could miss a bone and die on that. Now I'm terrified and poohing myself about my tea, how am I going to make this shepherds pie ok for me to eat! Aaaarrrrghhhhh

---------- Post added at 18:11 ---------- Previous post was at 14:23 ----------

Just tried to eat some puréed shepherds pie and it was so disgusting that I could only eat half, now I'm even worse know that puréed foods are hard to eat because of taste. This is never ending, horrid horrid stuff!

[Rennie1989]

When my anxiety gets bad and I can't eat I resort to drinking milkshake until an appetite has surfaced. At least milkshake has some calories.

It seems that the prospect of starting a new job is really worrying you. Could you explain what you are mostly worried about?

[dancingfrog]

I'm mostly worried about choking on food, this is my ultimate phobia because it can really happen to me and I could die. At the moment I can't eat any food that's not mushed up, my second phobia is losing weight and not being able to eat properly again, at the moment this is second because I don't want to get better, getting better means eating solids and I can't put myself at risk of choking to death. My job is worrying me because I'm new to it and I'm terrified of eating in front of others, especially if it's mushy stuff, what a weirdo they will think i am. The most scary thing right now is eating. I just won't and can't do it!

[Rennie1989]

Is it worth speaking to a doctor, or specialist, about your condition and what you can eat. I'd suggest keeping high calorie drinks in stock but it's hard what other advice to offer on that part.

[dancingfrog]

I saw the doctor on Monday and she said to just eat fish pie and whatever I can eat and she will see me every week to keep a check on my weight, I'm going back tomorrow because I can't go Monday as I'm starting my work. She also referred me to a CPN nurse but I could be waiting forever so I think I'm going to go private. I'm just worried that I won't have any energy left then and will pass out. I'm trying to get as much calories in me as possible through mashed stuff and liquids, just ate some mashed banana with milk, sounds gross but was actually nice. Will have some ice cream later too to keep me going. It's so hard at the moment I'm so depressed, I know it's an awful thing to say but if they said do you want to be tube fed I would say yes! I can't see myself getting better!

[Rennie1989]

I'm really sorry to hear :( All I can suggest is keep on the bananas and liquefied, high calorie foods. As long as you're consuming enough/more energy that you are using you won't pass out.

[dancingfrog]

Thanks for your support feeling a little better now!