Feeling OK. Then NOT, in an instant

[phil6]

I just wanted to post an update on my progression after quitting SSRIs and getting through the withdrawal phase to starting to feel better.
There have been some very down days over the past few weeks and I was never sure whether this was due to coming off of Citalopram or whether this is just my old anxiety worries, but I tend to think it was probably both.
Yesterday I sort of felt my old self with interest in things outside my own mind starting to surface and very little worry. My mind seemed to be at rest and I had forgotten how nice that feels. That's not to say there haven't been the odd good spell.
This morning I woke after a decent nights sleep and felt calm. This really is a good sign as the mornings are always the worst time. I laid there and enjoyed a relaxed, sleepy lie in.
Then I think I got worried that this feeling would not remain. My mind went looking and checking, and I felt like I had to be very careful or I would think the wrong things and spoil the day. Well, there you go... Damage is done!
The feeling of slipping into that horrible anxious depressing feeling begins and I hit myself with "what have I done". The good feeling evaporated and I find myself back in self pity and the need to cry comes over me.
This change hits me like a truck... It happens so swiftly!
I just wanted to share this with you as I have now calmed a little and managed to see this as silly blip.
It underlines the need to allow these feelings rather than fear them coming.
Do any of you know what I mean?
Phil

[theharvestmouse]

I know exactly what you mean because the same thing has been happening to me. I sometimes will feel ok and positive about things and then wham it can turn in an instant and I feel the complete opposite. I too cam off Citalopram but that was over 2 months ago, but I have now gone back on it to try to help me get over this bad patch I am in.

Have you had CBT, I found that it helped me with my thought patterns, but it takes a lot of effort to try to realise that negative thoughts are not helpful and should be left to float away.

[phil6]

Hi Harvestmouse,
Yes, I came off of Cit 5 weeks ago..... Was only on them for 3 months but they really didn't suit me... Lots of side effects and little benefit.
I have done CBT but I have been trying to follow ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) which is the latest mindfulness based therapy. It varies a little bit from CBT in as much as it doesn't recommend challenging negative thoughts, it suggests we just acknowledge them and let them go. It seems a little less complicated than CBT, so I like it.
It is quite a relief when you are able to really accept, and really allow the feelings without doing things to try and rid yourself of them, as it relieves your mind from the constant struggle of trying to find a solution.... But I am still learning.
Ups and downs seems to be the way forward.... But I do dislike the downs.
Phil

[xvolatileheart]

Phil, I completely know what you mean. Any time I feel any bit of calm, I instantly start overanalyzing it and bam, I'm back into full-blown anxiety. The funny thing is, I can handle anxiety-provoking situations fine, even though the anxiety is there, but it's when I have time to relax and think about things that I seem to really lose control of my thoughts and I feel horrid. The last few days have been overwhelming and I try to not let my thoughts run away as that makes me anxious, but now it feels like the depression and empty feeling, coupled with the horrible sensations all over my body, are just pulling me down into a black hole. If it's not one thing, it's another. :blush:

Hope your day improves. It helps to know we're not alone.

[sophieunderscore]

I had this experience this morning, woke up with my normal physical symptoms but no racing thoughts, and then I started to think about things and I got myself into a right state. I also find that if I feel calm (or calmer) I start to feel anxious that I'm tempting fate by doing so!

[phil6]

Hi all,
Thanks for your comments... Yes, it is such a tricky disorder.
It seems that we work hard, with a lot of courage to get through the hard times and it feels so difficult, then when you hit a good spell, the simplest thought drags you back. I suppose that's a clue... You always seem to get what you don't like and you cannot force happiness. That's why I think accepting and not trying to control the way we feel has got to be the way.
If I stop trying to feel good, maybe I will..... It is a real paradox.
Phil

[Volvoman50]

I am using mindfulness and acceptance finding it does help to just take the worry out of the thoughts it takes practice but believe its worthwhile in reducing the anxiety effect.

[lempicka]

I completely sympathise with you - I have the same problem. I have very specific worries that can completely dominate me. I can go for long periods without them being too intrusive - then, bam! they all come rushing back, and before I know it I'm being pulled back down into horrible anxiety and despair that can last for days and days. I do hope this is the last of your temporary blips!

[phil6]

Thank you all for your empathy and good wishes. I know I am not any different than everyone else when it comes to the struggle of dealing with anxiety and depression. I have read so much and learned a lot throughout my life and I have a clear understanding of the way this works. I also know that I can be fine... I was for 5 or 6 years prior to this year.
What is defeating me at this time is I try and be mindful, and try and not struggle or be too concerned with how I feel (which is moderately anxious all day) , and for short periods feel the pressure lift and a bit of hope raise its head.. But you don't get any immediate rewards for your efforts do you. You have to have patience. This is not one of my strong points.
I know that the anxiety is not going to harm me, and I rarely avoid any situations, however uncomfortable, but I so want this to go away... I think of little else most days.
And then, if I am honest, I feel sorry for myself.... And that's when the depression and agitation can kick in just to make things even harder.
I am pretty sure you all know what I am describing.
I so want to really give up the struggle and let all this go, just to give my mind a break.
I don't really know what I am frightened of?
I have a great family, fantastic grandchildren, and I feel I am missing out on enjoying them.... Another negative thought!!
Every day I think to myself... Now today, I am not going to let this feeling upset me. I am going to allow myself to feel anything... And think anything , and not react or judge myself. And I rarely ever achieve this kind of real acceptance... I just find myself trying, and trying and beating myself up when I fail.
It does help to share ... Sorry for the rant and the self pity.

Phil