View Full Version : Winning the war
Hi all, it's been a long time since I posted on No More Panic. I joined in 2009 when my anxiety and depression got out of control and destroyed my life. I went through hell for months before I started to gradually feel slightly better. I've had medication, hypnotherapy, counselling and CBT, with varying degrees of success: the medication was effective against depression, the CBT has helped with the anxiety.
It turns out I have asperger syndrome (a form of autism). My life started to make sense. Suddenly I was making giant leaps in my recovery. I've been in a relationship for a few months and I have become a popular, productive member of the team at work*. My IQ seems to have gone up by 40 points since I am no longer preoccupied with my problems (mainly because most of them have been resolved!) and I am now, finally, making significant progress in my quest to be an author. All of this has taken a lot of hard work where before I'd give in and avoid things or stay in bed.
I am cross-tapering off mirtazapine and onto sertraline 50mg, the lowest dose. Today is day two. Some of the unpleasantly familiar SSRi side effects are back, but I feel pretty confident that I am ready for them.
If people are interested I might pop back here now and again to record my progress of life on the lowest dose of meds: will I relapse like I did in 2011, or have I finally become strong enough to make it? And why am I making this sound like a low-rent reality show?
*I hope so anyway; I'm not allowed to join in when they do crosswords because I keep shouting the answers out while people are still reading the questions.
bernie1977
05-10-13, 17:33
Good luck psychopoet hope things go well for you on sertraline. Look forward to reading about your continued progress, I love a good reality show!!
Thanks Bernie1977 and PCDaft :D :hugs:
I mentioned aspergers not just because of its relevance to me, but because it makes me notice side effects a lot more - I sort of get them in 3D, with surround sound, in full HD. That's the main part I might need support with, but so far it's been nowhere near as bad as cit, and remember I am tapering off mirt at the same time :)
PS Anxiety can kiss my cheeks
It's really good to hear you describe how well you are doing PsychoPoet.... Your post is a pleasure to read and very heartwarming too. You are to be congratulated on your perseverance is to be commended. 'm so pleased you took the time to come back and let us know how you are doing,
Good luck! Was wondering if you're still taking inositol? Also, was wondering the rationale for switching from mirt to sert? Apologies if you've already posted in other threads.
AuntieMoosie
06-10-13, 11:45
Hi all, it's been a long time since I posted on No More Panic. I joined in 2009 when my anxiety and depression got out of control and destroyed my life. I went through hell for months before I started to gradually feel slightly better. I've had medication, hypnotherapy, counselling and CBT, with varying degrees of success: the medication was effective against depression, the CBT has helped with the anxiety.
It turns out I have asperger syndrome (a form of autism). My life started to make sense. Suddenly I was making giant leaps in my recovery. I've been in a relationship for a few months and I have become a popular, productive member of the team at work*. My IQ seems to have gone up by 40 points since I am no longer preoccupied with my problems (mainly because most of them have been resolved!) and I am now, finally, making significant progress in my quest to be an author. All of this has taken a lot of hard work where before I'd give in and avoid things or stay in bed.
I am cross-tapering off mirtazapine and onto sertraline 50mg, the lowest dose. Today is day two. Some of the unpleasantly familiar SSRi side effects are back, but I feel pretty confident that I am ready for them.
If people are interested I might pop back here now and again to record my progress of life on the lowest dose of meds: will I relapse like I did in 2011, or have I finally become strong enough to make it? And why am I making this sound like a low-rent reality show?
*I hope so anyway; I'm not allowed to join in when they do crosswords because I keep shouting the answers out while people are still reading the questions.
Well done PsychoPoet :yesyes:
I enjoy reading your posts very much, they make lots of sense to me and I can relate to them :)
You're not going to relapse, you're going to be just fine and, at the end of the day, having a little blip here and there is nothing to fear, I still have them sometimes, so long as you can pick yourself back up and carrying on where you were, it's all fine :yesyes:
Please do keep coming in and updated your thread, I think so many people will get inspiration, comfort and education from reading your posts and I would really miss you if you weren't around, you're such a big part of our NMP family :D
I wish you all the very best in everything that you do, go on...............you CAN do it :yesyes: :hugs:
Thank you everyone :D :D Have an OK sign from me :okay:
Right, let's get this crap on the road, as the backstreet car dealer said to the customer buying a clocked Vauxhall Astra in 1998.
I take my mirtazapine/sertraline (mirt/sert!) at night. The first night saw that horribly familiar feeling of pressure in my head, heightened anxiety taking me from 4/10 (normally my background anxiety is 1-2 out of 10 but I was nervous about mucking with the meds) to about 7/10. I kept feeling a false sense of pressure in the chest which made me breathe much heavier but recognise this as an anxiety response I get when starting an SSRI.
The next day I had to work. It's only part time, but I was feeling twitchy, restless and I thought I was feeling depressed, but it was only fear. I got through work by spending most of the time proof-reading a friend's novel; I need my mind to be constantly occupied, especially when anxious, but that's normal for an aspie so it doesn't worry me. I actually felt quite positive when leaving work which shocked me and made me do a Fonzie smile and think "EEEEEE" :yesyes:
I went out with my mate, alternating between feeling happy and dark, with the darkness again being a kind of over-reaching fear of what might happen now I'm changing meds, and remembering how ill I was in 2009. I started getting dizziness and derealisation since mirt has a short half-life and my body is fighting it off.
I consistently repeated my mantra "I am healthy, I am normal, I am safe" which brought me back to reality in a good way (this helped me when I used to feel agoraphobic too - note the "used to", I've made good progress in beating that too).
I was worried about seeing my GF who I haven't seen in two weeks, and drove down there actually rehearsing how I would tell her I'm on anxiety/depression medication, but ended up not needing to tell her anything - it was a fantastic weekend with her and her family and I didn't have any noticeable side effects.
The tl;dr of this is, if I were taking 20mg of cit I would feel like total crud now, but I've been there before, this medication suits me far better and even though it's only been three days, I am weathering the storm of side effects... well, it's not a storm, it's barely even a gentle shower.
Things might get tougher next week when I go to alternate days on mirtazapine. I don't normally endorse coming off meds like this but bugger it, I'm coming off this stuff and losing three stone, if I am not strong enough to handle the withdrawal effects after everything I've been through, well it won't be impressive.
EDIT: Ooh I forgot! I am starting to feel a slightly broader range of emotions and have more nervous energy, not sure if it's because I know I'm coming off mirt or if its sedating effects are wearing off. Emotional overload is actually a risk for an aspergers person as it can lead to burnout and feelings of depression, but this is what God gave me and I intend to learn how to make it work.
Hi everyone, been taking the mirt/sert combo since Friday night with no major issues to report. I've got an increase in nervous energy and feel a bit more anxious. I find myself needing that little bit of extra reassurance, and I am talking a bit faster, with more energy again.
The good news is, this peaked on day one and has remained at a fairly low level since. It isn't getting better, but it is not getting worse. This is actually impressive when you consider that I am changing meds. If you read my original posts on NMP, I'm taking this a million times better than I did back then, so this proves people can go through the same crap without breaking.
I was really worried about what happens when I start alternating mirt doses soon but it's been ok this far, I've made it through the little blips, so if anything bigger comes along I've got phasers set to kill ;)
EDIT: I know people shouldn't do this but I had a quick look online at other peoples' mirt experiences and they seemed to have a much harder time than I am. Kind of makes me suspicious... :huh:
Hi, I'm not sure if anyone is finding this thread useful but it's helpful to me!
Right, I am now a week into the cross-taper from mirt to sert. My average anxiety level is 5-6 out of 10. Before it was probably about 2. The anxiety is a lot worse in the morning and I feel a bit paranoid about what people are saying about me, which I haven't actually cared about for months (for the first time in my life), so I've trotted out the well-established coping strategies and they are helping. I recognise the "artificial" nature of my anxiety so I know it's the medication, which also helps. Nothing wrong with bringing a bit of light into dark places. The only worry is that I felt worse this morning than I have done for a while... but it's dark and cold and rainy, so who knows.
Not only is this anxiety a side-effect of the cross-taper, it also comes down to my overwhelming fear of going back to how I used to be (relapse into depression). I shouldn't have such a fear at this point in my recovery so that's something to work on to prevent relapse.
Knowing that my depression stems from years of anxiety is a blessing as I now recognise that what I think of as depression is possibly nothing short of black, cold fear, and I realise now that there is no reason for it - no need for it.
I am having no sleep disturbances and my appetite has returned to normal, so I have lost a little bit of weight. I have more nervous energy so I'm not as tired and am getting more work done.
EDIT: My doctor only gave me 18 tablets and told me to reduce from 30mg to 15mg straight away, which I have, but next week he wants me to alternate 15mg and nothing, so instead I'm dropping to 7.5mg every day starting tonight. Wish me luck!
Hey :)
I'm new to the site and, for my part, threads such as yours are helpful. I'm trying to make sense of my 'thing' and reading and digesting the set backs and triumphs helps me (and maybe others like me) to figure things out.
As an example the meds stuff helps. I'm just starting on flux and, whilst there's a marmite attitude to it, learning about other drugs, how they work etc, is helpful. I like your honesty and the fact that you, and others on NMP, have shared your experiences.
Glad to hear that your road to recovery is moving in the right direction :yesyes:
Thanks Andria24! I'll give you some advice that I just realised myself.
Getting onto or coming off medication (or doing both at once!) is a matter of perspective. You can choose to see the side effects as a descent into hell or the final push through the pain barrier. Will you run away from pain and continue to suffer from fear, or will you face the pain, take it like an adult and realise that we have to earn the lives we've been given by working hard and trying to be a better person?
Whatever you choose, good luck and remember, you can recover :)
I am wishing you luck PsychoPoet .... And your advice about perspective..... Yes..... Definitely it's the final push ... That's how I would see it, and yes your thread is definitely helping me. Thank you.
Hi Tessar, thanks! Are you coming off meds?
Good news for anyone who is worried about withdrawing from mirt. I dropped to 7.5mg last night, but appear to have suffered no ill effects. My anxiety this morning was not quite so bad, my coping strategies are helping a bit more and I'm resolved to getting on with things as normal.
Rather than feeling more tranquilized on the lower doses(a weird effect of mirt) I am finding energy and enthusiasm increasing and I've lost a bit of weight.
So far, so good.
theharvestmouse
12-10-13, 10:53
Good to hear you are doing well Poet.:)
Thanks mate. How are you getting on these days? Well, I hope :)
I am finding it a bit hard to concentrate today. It's not actually worrying me as I expected this. I am, however, shooting my mouth off a bit, which is making people laugh due to my sarcasm, but I am trying to avoid offending anyone.
At work, there were only a few of us there and we had a bit of a heart-to-heart as a team with some surprising revelations. They know I'm an aspie and I asked if they'd let me know when I go too far with the things I say.
I can't honestly be too worried about this withdrawal thing. I just bought a book on speaking Russian, so I know what my girlfriend is saying when she keeps slipping into her native language (can't wait to surprise her by replying lol). Forward planning and the amount I talked at work shows I might be starting to come out of my withdrawn, nervous phase.
Are you a poet too? :)
Any work you feel like sharing :)
Hi, I'm no poet, I do write though :) At the moment it's all Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 fanfic but I am working on original novels too.
Well guys, I have hit a setback: I had a massive blip this afternoon that blasted me back to 2009. My coping strategies didn't help much due to the severity of the blip, which has been my worst in a very long time. I felt a very black mood come over me - but then I realised that it was fear. Pure, sticky, overwhelming fear. It FEELS like depression when it's happening, but I then feel it change into anxiety as if it is revealing its true nature.
I wonder what role depression has really played in my life - has it always been fear all along, disguising itself as something else?
After several consecutive hours, it has broken up somewhat and I am physically regaining my strength. I was due to go to my girlfriend's tonight but she phoned to re-schedule for tomorrow, and this brought such relief that it broke through my blip.
It seems that even when I am cross-tapering between two meds, real life events still play a part in my blips and may in fact be the reason for my blips. Now that I remember it, I was also researching mirtazapine and read some suicide warnings... that could be the trigger. It's always been fear of death and suicide.
Not sure whether to stay on 7.5mg of mirt or go back to 15mg. I'm not going back up to 30 though. Is it a coincidence I felt like this the day after dropping the mirt again? I felt good all morning.
theharvestmouse
12-10-13, 19:12
I'm Ok Poet, had a relapse a few weeks ago, I'm now back taking Citalopram and am seeing a CBT therapist privately. I was recovering a few months back but took my foot almost completely off the pedal after thinking that I was back to normal, however I wasn't and gradually it all came back and I was forced to admit that I needed help. I've been quite depressed lately but I'm trying to change my thoughts through the CBT.
sorry about your blip.
If you felt good all morning then it was probably some thought you had that sparked it. It might have been more intense than usual due to the med change.
I used to play warhammer 40k many years ago! Although I did prefer painting the figures :)
PsychoPoet, cross-tapering is never going to be easy, I mean, coming off one to go on another.... that's a big deal. But you are getting through it. Sending you lots of support & positive thoughts to help you keep fighting.
Harvestmouse: Good luck mate. It is difficult to change our core beliefs, much harder than it seems. Old habits die hard. But it can be done. It's about creating new, more helpful thinking habits.
InCOGnito: Thanks. It's easy to forget how bad anxiety can get when it's at its worst. This afternoon has easily been 10/10 for anxiety. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tessar: Thanks. You're right, and I should not have dropped to 7.5mg when I was feeling more anxious, it was gas to a flame. Definitely back up to 15mg tonight for a month or so.
Am disappointed and surprised that my coping strategies have been found wanting today. This has been a blip of Old Testament proportions, churning up fears that haven't bothered me for a while. It seems arrogant - or probably naive - to think I would be able to handle this level of anxiety.
It's hard to believe how completely anx takes over, it takes you into a new dimension and you forget what it's like to feel ok. Hopefully the worst is over.
Harvestmouse: Good luck mate. It is difficult to change our core beliefs, much harder than it seems. Old habits die hard. But it can be done. It's about creating new, more helpful thinking habits.
yes, changing those core beliefs is really hard. the bits I find hardest to kill off are the last few. They just linger but you can kick 'em into touch I am sure, it just takes time.
Yeah, it's like the cloud of symptoms are relatively easy to deal with but the core problems are set to Legendary difficulty. You need shields and extra armour to stand even a chance against the pummelling you receive if you approach them.
In other news, I seem to have reached an exhausted but positive equilibrium, and my first effort to speak to my girlfriend in her native language resulted in me accidentally calling her a slag! :D
I am tapering off sertraline and staying on 15mg of mirtazapine.
My anxiety levels have been high since I started back on the SSRI and while it wasn't too bad at first, I have had a return of distressing thoughts. I know these are just anxiety, but I am trying to arrange sessions with a reliable therapist as I need to specifically deal with certain fears. The mirtazapine has been far more gentle to me than SSRIs ever were and I believe I'll be OK staying on it.
I am really proud of the way I've attempted to deal with this anxiety (will post about this later) but the reality is it is at a level that is too high for me to face at present, and the distressing thoughts are the cherry on he turd.
Hi Poet,
Sorry to hear about your experience with the cross tapering...at least you have realised before actually coming off the mirt altogether. I only take 7.5mg and have done for over a year now, my GP wanted me to continue on some of the medication rather than come off altogether...I also take 50mg pregabalin (both helped me more than any other meds I have ever taken).
I wish you success with your continuing journey on mirtazapine.
Take care
Jo.x
Hi Jo,
Thank you for the encouragement :hugs: Like your doctor said, I think in many cases people are better reducing to a low dose over time and staying there.
I've tried to get in touch with my old therapist to arrange more sessions, but she is very hard to get hold of these days so I have also asked Anxiety UK to put me in touch with someone else who knows about aspergers.
This episode has revealed a few things to me.
1. I didn't fix some of my core problems due to unfocused therapy sessions where we debated science stuff rather than dealing constructively with my fears.
2. I suck at "immersion therapy" - instead of gradually facing up to my fears, I have trained myself to "muscle them out" by repeatedly encouraging myself. While this has brought some unexpectedly good results, it hasn't eliminated the underlying anxiety and has resulted in me having too much confidence about messing with my meds.
3. I keep confusing low moods with depression, and I've turned depression into some terrifying, monolithic thing, rather than the totally natural and understandable condition it actually is.
4. I can't tolerate the side effects of SSRIs and I should avoid them forever. Apart from weight gain and a lack of energy (which could be to do with bad eating habits, no exercise and not going to bed early enough), the mirt has enabled me to live a productive life free of major blips.
Hi all. I have a tale to tell and would very much appreciate you reading it.
EDIT: Wow! I've found that listening to this music while reading this post makes me feel like a hero (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCk564O_VJU) :D
I cut my losses by ditching sertraline on the 14th. Sod tapering after only 10 days on it - the anxiety was getting too bad. I went back to 30mg of mirtazapine on the 16th. I have re-started therapy and, ironically, found notes from a session in 2012 where my therapist advised me to avoid SSRIs forever.
I fully believe that if I had not tried sertraline, I would not have had this awful blip, and I feel like I have been emotionally damaged by it. I must take ownership and say "Another fine mess I've gotten me into". Also, I've created a paradox: this horrendous experience has actually brought me hope that I can become a better person who might one day be free of disorder-level anxiety.
The anxiety... well, what can I say? It's been almost relentless, crapping on the self-help techniques that have always helped before. It made Claire Weekes' advice of acceptance and submission seem laughable. How can you accept a destroying force and thoughts so frightening they make you question your own sanity?
But the anxiety didn't pick on someone inexperienced, it picked on the PsychoPoet, and those of you who've known me over the last few years will agree that whether I possess hard-earned self-confidence or cocky arrogance, on those occasions anxiety declares all-out war on me, I will give it a war it won't believe.
I have dragged my darkest thoughts and fears into the light of day, where I fought against these b******s like Rocky facing Ivan Drago: a battle that has drawn sweat and tears and even driven me into the infamous aspergers burnout, in which state I continued to resist, knowing that only by facing my ultimate fear will I be able to loosen and eventually break its hold.
My therapist has offered to see me for free from now on. I believe that if I can break my anxiety and master my asperger syndrome, I could be one of her major success stories. I don't intend this as conceit, I have had a lot of crap to deal with, a lot of CBT sessions and I have come a very long way from the neurotic, paranoid, antisocial youth I once was. I was like a dark version of Mr Spock and now I am becoming human.
So while the anxiety still feels unmanageable at times, I know that I have worked and fought every minute of every day to improve my resistance and deal with the fear; I know that it's just the SSRI temporarily screwing with my emotions; I know I have been here before and I have made a very, very long list of positive things that have come out of this blip.
I feel like I am being re-made as something stronger, more in tune with other people, more respectful and understanding towards my loved ones. I hope I will look back on this blip not as my darkest day, but rather as my finest hour.
Hi, not sure if anyone is still following this thread given that I can ramble on a bit.
I am feeling extremely anxious - but that's probably because I've just done some CBT homework about my most frightening worries. I've never made a serious attempt to do this before, despite my self-indulgent threads about "beating" anxiety, which explains why I still get like this after 4 years.
Anyone familiar with the ABCD (activating event, beliefs, consequences, dispute) process will know that you get into your fears and explore every angle. It is pretty harrowing and it should really be done in a therapy session so your therapist can support you. However, it hasn't killed me and although my anx has definitely shot up, part of me feels free - I have proven that I can actually expose myself to this crap and talk about all of my darkest, scariest beliefs.
Another thing this blip has taught me: true recovery is painful, it involves facing rather than avoiding, but most importantly it takes a long time. It will continue to hurt and frighten me even when I am able to talk about my fears. Accepting, overcoming and moving on from your worst fears is not a five minute job, it will take months. That sucks, but it won't always feel this bad. Tiredness increases feelings of anxiety and depression and can actually come across as though you are depressed. It's important to know the difference.
Finally, I have definitely come close to recovering on several occasions, but I always do something stupid to screw it up - I should read my own posts now and then as I have reached these conclusions before and I forgot that I'd agreed with my therapist to avoid SSRIs or messing with my meds.
Well, as this topic is getting a lot of hits, I assume people are following my progress and hopefully getting some kind of benefit.
I'm still experiencing sustained anxiety, but in spite of this, the weekend hasn't been as bad as expected and I have made more progress with self-help.
I have emailed my therapist with a list of things I want to overcome in therapy. I've managed to condense my problems into 4 key areas rather than list a morale-sapping number of smaller problems that she wouldn't be able to read. Bear in mind these are my worst fears, the ones right at the heart of my anxiety.
1. Fear of death: This includes all negative associations including my fears of ill-health, suicide and depression. For some reason, these thoughts do not often occur unless I am in a “blip”. I am very afraid of suddenly becoming suicidal – I’m not as scared about dying from natural causes or dying to defend a loved one. I am very afraid that my loved ones might die.
2. Response to feared thoughts: My reaction to the blip has been severe emotional distress which has stopped me being able to do my hobbies. When I start to feel like I am recovering I often experience the return of distressing thoughts (mainly fears of depression, death and suicide). According to Claire Weekes I am highly sensitised to these thoughts and I want to start reducing this immediately.
3. Obsession with illness and negative thoughts: When I am in a severe blip, I can barely think about anything else, especially in the mornings and early afternoons. It feels like something terrible will happen if I let go of these thoughts and fears. It makes the days seem very long. However, I am still able to go to work, talk to people where necessary and I am also able to talk about my deepest fears, even if this creates more anxiety and low mood. So far I have always been able to “break out” of my obsession in the evenings and have not experienced troubled sleep.
4. Catastrophising: I still do this, especially when in a blip – it reinforces fear and low moods, and it’s insidious.
I'll update this thread as more progress is made.
theharvestmouse
20-10-13, 18:40
4. Catastrophising: I still do this, especially when in a blip – it reinforces fear and low moods, and it’s insidious.
Something I am very bad at, but sometimes I think I just am seeing things as they are and that I just can't handle the truth.
Something I am very bad at, but sometimes I think I just am seeing things as they are and that I just can't handle the truth.
Hi mate, that's actually two good examples of catastrophising! Maybe if you can talk about something, you can handle it. If you couldn't handle it, surely you wouldn't be able to produce the thought or say the words? The more we fear it, the harder it is to confront, then the more benefit we might see if we beat them one day. There are a crapload of things that used to bother me which don't any more thanks to a good therapist and lots of self-help.
Finally, today I've helped to clean the house and been sweating through afterwards. The anxiety has been emotionally exhausting. Today has gone a lot better than I thought it would, though, so at least there has been some progress and maybe my next day off won't seem so scary. It's something positive to remind myself of when I worry about whether or not I'm gonna be mega-anxious at home.
Today's update. This has now become my new recovery diary. Please excuse my long-winded posts and please feel free to post any encouragement - it will be greatly appreciated!!
I've got my second over-the-phone CBT session at 9pm - and believe me, I've been counting the hours. I'm going to make sure my appointments are earlier from now on.
I believe I am experiencing sertraline withdrawal effects, starting on Saturday with a lightheaded feeling familiar to when I came off cit. On Sunday I was very tired and sweated a lot. I coped relatively well on both days.
Today has been very tough. I woke this morning after what I think is my first-ever SSRI-related bad dream. If you've had a lot of these, you have my respect, it scared the crap out of me.
I've been burnt out and almost falling asleep from fatigue, wanting to spend most of the day in bed (but not doing). This has sent my depression-phobia berserk. In reality, it must be a combination of SSRI withdrawal, reduced appetite (still feeling nauseous during and after eating) and sustained anxiety.
There's no way that I "coincidentally" had the worst blip for 22 months just 8 days after starting sert, and there's no way my blip "coincidentally" worsened almost exactly the expected time after I ditched the sert. It seems obvious, but my anxiety levels have been insane recently and I have always sucked the grand potato when it comes to reassuring myself.
The good news: well I made a small start on getting back into my hobbies and I only phoned the Samaritans for support once today - my average being twice a day, or 3 on a bad day. Also, I know that I am still making some progress towards recovery, and even though today has been a setback, I can't expect every day to go smoothly.
Your posts are interesting ... Not long-winded. I enjoy reading them PsychoPoet.
Well done you're doing well and focusing on your achievements despite feeling crappie. Can I ask if you find speaking to the Samaritans always helpful and have you ever used the email support service they offer? I've phoned them once but was so scared I just cried and I felt I'd let myself down (I know, I know - a psychotherapist would have a field day with me)
I'm with you about the Sertraline start and withdrawal symptoms, I kept a diary of the time I was Sertraline (only 3 weeks) I deteriorated after 9 days starting it and didn't improve until 10 days after stopping it. You must be nearly at that point now, the end is in sight.
Keep posting and keep plodding, you'll get back on top of the swine before long :)
Sam
Thanks Tessar :hugs:
It's hard not to make all-negative posts when in a blip like this, but finding the positives is part of recovery. Hopefully I'll actually look back over this some day and make use of my own experience. I'd probably be recovered by now if I'd ever taken my own advice.
It would be excellent if anyone else gets some benefit from this thread - surely a lot of people can empathise. :)
EDIT: Thanks Sam, you made your post at the same time as I posted the above :D
So it took you 10 days to start feeling better after coming off? That would be amazing, I'm on day 7 since dropping sert. You've reassured me there, so even if it takes me longer than you, it's good to know that one day I hopefully won't feel so scared :)
I think I might have cried once or twice to the Samaritans, but crying is fine. We tend to think that if we cry, we're somehow surrendering or embarrassing ourselves. When I walked into my first CBT session in 2012, I just burst out crying (good start! :)) but felt better for it - and I only cried one more time in the whole 15-20 sessions.
When talking to the Samaritans, I find I get out what I put in. The Samaritans are not there to resolve your problems, they're there so you can have contact with another human being. Being able to talk about our problems is such an important step towards finally breaking free of them. I find that I tend to ramble on and end up either discovering or resolving problems or at least bolstering my own confidence, but I make sure to talk as positively as I can, talking about the good that has come of my experiences. They nearly always tell me I sound positive, self-aware and determined, but I don't always feel like that, so it's nice for someone else to reinforce it. If I phone them and basically panic and talk about how awful and hopeless I feel, it doesn't do much good and can be counter-productive. I sometimes also phone them when I'm starting to feel well, to bolster my mood and reinforce my progress.
I hadn't had to call them for months before I started on bloody sert.
Hi Psychopoet. I have been trying to keep up with how ur getting on. I strongly feel that u will be over all this crap someday soon, u have a great attitude. Things thankfully always pass and u should try and remember that u only feel like this now because of the medication. My advice is to just try to ride it out and resist the temptation to try and figure it all out.
From what I hear about those that have got over this is is to address it claire weekes style. The fears that u have are only popping up cos of your anxious state, get back to a relaxed state and they will drop away. I really wish u all the best and keep posting. I'm determined to get over this too x
Sands, I've only been speaking to you for a short time but it's good to hear from you and I appreciate your support. You always tell it like it is and I can relate to everything you say.
An update after my therapy session. I think this is going to help people.
Last year, after half a dozen confusing sessions where my symptoms kept changing, my therapist, Nat, diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). I also eventually moved towards getting a diagnosis for asperger syndrome, a type of autism which can lead to anxiety issues, in my case GAD.
When my anxiety gets bad, I have recurring fears of depression and death which cause me extreme distress. These thoughts don't seem to come when I am feeling well and normally I am not especially bothered by the idea of death - I am too busy getting on with my life.
The problem is, when these thoughts come during a blip, I don't just think "I'm going to die. Shit!" and then forget about it. Instead I keep experiencing the same thought or the same couple of thoughts, I keep having the same reaction of shock and fear, over and over again, for extended periods of time. I sink into a blip and before long I'm exhausted, upset, feeling depressed etc - the same cycle I've been posting about for four years.
When my GAD has been activated during a blip, the anxiety has an "OCD theme". Disturbing thoughts are a very common form of OCD but I have noticed they don't get a lot of press. So my therapy is moving into the realms of obsessive negative thoughts - maybe I can actually, one day, be free of fear!
Nat recommended a book called "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer (http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Imp-Mind-Exploring-Obsessive/dp/0452283078/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382392546&sr=8-1&keywords=the+imp+of+the+mind) which is used by professionals to help people who experience repetitive, distressing thoughts. I just bought the Kindle version (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Obsessive-ebook/dp/B002I1XS5I/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1382392546&sr=8-1&keywords=the+imp+of+the+mind) which I just downloaded onto my massive Android phone and I plan to sneakily read it at work tomorrow.
I'll let people know if this book has helped at all.
NOTE: Just read ONE PAGE, this book doesn't muck about with its examples, so if you get it, maybe your first read of it could be in a therapy session or something.
Sounds like a good therapy session. I've heard about that book on several occasions but haven't read it, I think the title had put me off. I'll get the sample on my kindle and see if I think it is readable and helpful. I don't have OCD or intrusive thoughts when I am well but they come with depression and anxiety and I thought they were just symptoms of those disorders not a separate problem. I'll be interested to hear how you get on both with the book and therapy
Sam
Hi Sam! Be careful about the book, its examples are extremely graphic and I have skipped some of them. But the whole point of the book is to say, "Here is what people like you are going through, it isn't pretty, it makes people feel horrendous, but there is hope: this is why they think like this and what we did to prevent them from being controlled or distressed by these thoughts again."
From those case studies I've read, people noticeably benefit from exposure therapy within a couple of weeks and are on their way to permanent recovery within 6 weeks.
Today's update: This was the first day that hope returned for longer than a few minutes. I knew something was different when I got to work and wasn't quite so distressed. Realising that my anxiety/depression are being caused by the same two or three thoughts, and that these thoughts are simply repeating themselves over and again, has tremendously cut the advantage the thoughts had over me.
It's been hard, but I have been out with my friend on a long journey and while much of today has seen my mood swinging between anxiety, depression and recovery (I forgot how often this used to happen to me!), I went out there and did what needed to be done and I did not retreat in fear.
I managed to eat my first proper, full meal today - screw you, anxiety and depression, you won't take my basic human rights away from me, this is MY life, if I want to eat then I'll bloody well eat and enjoy it.
I've arranged to attend group sessions at Mind in Rotherham. While I am doing this to help me get used to being in a social group, I fully intend to recapture my fire, passion and determination to recover, and I'll not let anyone who attends the sessions feel hopeless or alone, even if I am broken inside.
I may feel like crap tomorrow, but now I will always know that I can take ownership of my life and work towards recovery even when the anxiety is at its worst.
That's the spirit ..... You fight back and then you will win!
Psychopoet, your blog is an inspiration to me. You are going thru such tough times, much easier than me that I feel lucky!
Good luck with your journey and keep up the good work and progress you've made.
Saoirse
Love the last post psychopoet - re read it today if you're not feeling so good. You can and will overcome this, there is no other option and it seems you are doing everything possible to aid your recovery.
Well done and keep fighting the good fight
Sam x
Hi all, thank you very much for your support. It's good to know that I'm not going through this alone. I apologise if the tone of this post is negative.
Today has been my day off. I was expecting to be able to cope. Unfortunately, it's been a bad day, but it has brought some new information.
I am wanting to start exposure therapy to reduce my fear of the OCD thoughts and gradually bring my anxiety to manageable levels. However I can't tell which thoughts to confront as I am scared of making myself seriously depressed (which in itself has been an OCD thought for years). Ruminating on negative thoughts has taken my anxiety through the roof and left me feeling overwhelmed. It's been like trying exposure therapy, but not deciding on one fear and not reaching the point where the anxiety starts to recede.
I am starting to see that obsessive thinking has pervaded my whole life to the point where I struggle to think about things that are not related to either aspergers, anxiety or depression, even when I am well. This might be why I struggle to comfort myself or find hope in recovery during blips.
"The Imp of the Mind" is giving me mixed messages as the book seems to say that my most negative thought - the fear of myself losing control and becoming suicidal - is "dangerous", even though the book clearly states that having bad thoughts for years but never acting on them or planning to do so is an almost certain indicator that you never will. My thoughts are also "what ifs" which require something disastrous to happen e.g. losing control of myself, which by their definition are symptoms of anxiety.
I'm speaking to my therapist at 8pm tonight. She still isn't charging me, even though this will be the FIFTH time I've spoken to her in eight days. Every time I speak to her I come away with new hope, confidence and knowledge, so hopefully tonight will be the night I can start some kind of self-help.
EDIT: This is really strange. I just found some exposure therapy mp3s I made with my therapist in Jan 2012. They each address specific fears that still trouble me now, but when I listen to them on repeat, it does not seem to increase my anxiety much. It didn't have much effect back then either. How can thoughts frighten me so badly when they occur, but when I record them and play them back, it's like they lose their strength? IIRC this is another reason my therapist thought I had GAD instead of a specific "core fear".
---------- Post added at 19:36 ---------- Previous post was at 16:28 ----------
Another double post, you're all blessed today :D
I started calming down during dinner-time with my family. It's proved to me yet again that no matter how agitated I feel, spending time with people gradually helps me un-wind and move away from the obsession with my problems.
I've been reading posts from when I first joined NMP and my attitude then was to keep busy and stay social. It definitely helped, although it was hard. I was also freely able to talk about depression, when these days I am always trying to convince myself I am NOT depressed. Back then I was afraid to be "at home alone with nothing to do" and that's how I am again now, and I used to spend hours on NMP writing the Citalopram Guide as a kind of "therapy". This shows that my behaviour during a major episode of anx or dep are consistently:
* To isolate myself from the world - shrinking away from socialising, even though socialising usually improves things for a while
* To constantly obsess about my problems instead of doing things I enjoy - very likely to do with activation of some kind of thought-OCD
* To frequently seek support from NMP, Samaritans and my therapist
---------- Post added at 20:53 ---------- Previous post was at 19:36 ----------
Sorry everyone, my first-ever triple post! Reassurance is needed please!!
My therapist said my level of anxiety is "acute" and I should not allow it to remain at this level. She recommended I speak to my doctor about increasing to 45mg of mirtazapine (from 30mg) for a couple of weeks. This is the highest dose. I always thought of this as admitting my problems are severe but in fairness, I have increased medication before and benefited from it without any drawbacks.
If this doesn't help - if the sertraline debacle has made the mirtazapine stop working for me - she recommended I look at pregbalin, as it is apparently recommended for GAD sufferers and she said the side effect profile isn't that bad.
Even though I sometimes feel depressed, and I have surely been clinically depressed at some points in my life, my therapist suggested that since life events and anxiety are always present during depressive episodes, I should target the anxiety. She does not believe I need to be frightened by my repetitive fears of becoming depressed and worse, as these seem to simply be distressing OCD thoughts and a symptom of acute anxiety.
Today has been a better day.
This means I have now had two days (today and Tuesday) where I've been able to manage my anxiety levels. I've been able to avoid obsessing about things, I've been able to let go of negative thoughts and I am also noticing results from "cognitive defusion" where I learn that negative thoughts do not indicate the future and are just predictions made from a position of fear. I am also recognising that some of my "depressed" thoughts and moods are actually anxiety-related.
I haven't had upsetting or anxious dreams for the last two days although I am still waking up about an hour before my alarm and not being able to get back to sleep.
So there has been progress!
Thanks :D
Today has also been a good day, meaning I've now had two good days in a row. It feels strange to start doing (or prepare myself for doing) things I used to do before this blip began. There is a sense of tension and apprehension that I might slip back into the uncontrollable anxiety; it's the feeling I used to get when I started the journey of recovery back in 2009.
There is little doubt my obsessive nature - part aspergers, part GAD-related OCD - has been a curse during the illness, but being able to bring this under control might give me a valuable tool for the future.
Today I went to Mind in Rotherham to get extra support between therapy sessions.
The person who spoke to me was very attractive but she was also willing to listen. She told me it would take 30-60 minutes but we were in there for 2 and a half hours, during which I had to rate various anxieties out of 10. I rated myself between 8-10 on the charts, but she rated me between 5-7 as I am actively trying to recover. (Mind's scale ranks anxiety as less severe if you are able to take ownership of your recovery. It's actually very comforting and gives you a sense of reward for your work.)
We came up with three goals:
Short term: To get over this blip and find my balance again.
Medium term: To resolve the negative thoughts, overcome my fear of the anxiety and reduce the anxiety to manageable levels.
Long term: To recover from disorder-level anxiety and become a productive member of society.
I'm being enrolled into a weekly group therapy session to see if it helps but they are also offering very cheap one-on-one sessions which might suit me better. I've managed to get a (free) face to face CBT session on Sunday night as well. Let's hope this is the beginning of a final, permanent journey to recovery.
My therapist and I have discussed this blip at length to discover why it has brought my recovery to a crashing halt.
1. SSRI medication triggers some kind of unknown "manic anxiety episode" in me, possibly by dangerously increasing my serotonin level. During these episodes, my anxiety reaches unmanageable levels which render therapy and self-help ineffective and end my ability to lead a productive life.
2. The only realistic way to deal with this is to increase my dose of mirtazapine to 45mg for a month or until my body has recovered from the sertraline. I am speaking to my doctor.
3. Once my anxiety has dropped to a tolerable level by an increased mirtazapine dose, we can review my therapy and self-help techniques so I can rebuild my life.
4. My fears of death, depression etc are not the cause of this episode, they are symptoms of it, so attempting to use therapy techniques against them will probably not help or alleviate the episode.
I think the mirtazapine (still on 30mg) is starting to kick in. I think last night's session with my therapist cleared up so much confusion, clarified so many loose ends, that it has given me some mental "breathing space".
I found myself talking to people at work a bit more, feeling more at ease with them and less like I was "faking it" by smiling and chatting. I found myself naturally more absorbed by what I was doing, rather than constantly straying to fearful thoughts.
My mood fluctuated in the afternoon, but became very positive, almost euphoric - it felt strange, like the good mood would simply evaporate, but my mind has constantly strayed onto happy, funny topics that have kept me entertained all evening. I've been helping out with the housework, chatting about Christmas and so on; I've talked more today than I have all week.
This is very early days, I am reluctant to jinx things, but today is generally the best I've felt for 3 weeks. God knows how I got through it, but tonight is the first time for a while I have felt genuine hope for recovery.
Really pleased to hear ur feeling a bit better. Don't make any hasty decisions on increasing the mirt, I think time will sort it out. Well done you for plodding on and going to work no matter how u feel x nice one!
Thanks Sarah. I am grateful for this respite, even if it just lasts for the rest of today. This isn't a normal blip, the sertraline caused some kind of bipolar-style event. I hope that my standard 30mg dose of mirt is enough to get me through the aftermath and that I never experience anything like this again; I came close to my breaking point.
I've had a tough morning/afternoon... again. The anxiety has smouldered in the background and I cannot seem to stop myself obsessing over it instead of doing something better. I do realise that this is basically my fault. I think I'm waiting to get better before I do things, but realistically I can only get better if I do them.
As usual, things improved in the evening when I was busy helping around the house and the anxiety has dampened down. Today is that rare thing: a day where I have not phoned anyone for support. I have found that I actually feel better on days where I ring for support as I tend to be very positive when speaking about my issues.
Tomorrow I will be speaking to a doctor about finally increasing my mirt to 45mg. I no longer see this as defeat but as a necessary step towards recovery. I'm sick of being on the defensive, with shaken confidence. I had no self-confidence at all until a couple of years ago and I don't want to be like that again. It's time to step up my efforts.
I read your posts regularly and I think u r an inspiration xx
Thank you :D That is much appreciated!
Today's update. My doctor has refused to put me on 45mg of mirt. He said it takes 6-8 weeks for medication to show its full effects and that I need to tough it out until then - even though this might mean I'll spend another Christmas in the trenches.
At first I was horrified, but I am starting to think maybe he's been right from day one: while my experience with anxiety has been horrible, so is everyone's. I'm not more special than anyone else, nor am I worse off. I have often asked my doctor for something to take the edge off my anxiety. He hasn't given me anything, and I still think he is a dick for that, but the truth is I have come through everything I have faced, even if I have only just held on during the worst times - while successfully holding down a relationship and going to work every day.
This anxiety episode has a biological origin. I screwed with the balance of my body (a balance that I had never had before I was on mirt and regularly practicing self-help) by using sertraline. I am trying to deal with the anxiety cognitively with self-help when I should be dealing with it biologically through relaxation and exercise.
I think this experience is supposed to be a lesson in humility. I wasn't arrogant to want to change my meds, I had solid reasons, but I was arrogant in other respects. I didn't refer to my old therapy notes where my therapist warned me away from SSRIs; I didn't take past experiences of messing with medication as a warning; I failed to spot that while my anxiety was controlled and I was making progress with my life, some basic issues remained; I have failed to practice physical relaxation exercises; I often think of myself as "better" or more knowledgeable than my doctor, when I am not even able to fully reassure myself!
I was right when I said to people in my Citalopram Guide that you cannot go back to who you used to be. The experience of anxiety changes you permanently, but this does not have to be a bad thing. Change is part of life - how we grow and develop, how we become better than we were.
This episode has been about suffering, but it has also been about hope. Hope that I will finally learn the basic lessons, hope that I will become a better person and finally escape from the anxiety trap I set for myself. Maybe this is random chance, maybe this is fate, but there has been a point to all this and it's time I paid attention and took ownership of my recovery.
I just had the best morning and early afternoon so far. I took part in things at work, I helped my family out, I used relaxation techniques to diffuse any anxiety as it arose.
Unfortunately I experienced a swing into a negative mood which really shook me. I am coming out of it now and I've made notes about what happened so I can discuss it in therapy.
It's hard to remember how far I came in the last year alone - so many minor problems beaten or brushed aside. All of my remaining problems are ones that I've had since I first became ill. Most of them only crop up during my worst bouts of anxiety and they are pretty standard issues for generalised anxiety disorder. Funny to see how obviously they're linked to the GAD, but how immersed you can get in them when they strike. I seem to spend most of my life worrying about all sorts of things that never actually happen.
Anyone there?
I seem to have turned a corner in my recovery. My symptoms are not so prevalent and I am learning to cope with them. I am starting to lose some fear of my negative thoughts. I'm better able to socialise and have started to become engaged in my hobbies.
I now have one or two "blips" each day where I experience symptoms of depression mixed with anxiety. They normally last a couple of hours and then I start to come out of them. Previously, I felt bad nearly all the time, so this is still progress and I know what triggers them. They are tough to get through, but I can do it.
I don't think I am becoming more depressed. The low moods seem more prevalent because I am less anxious these days and there is the shock of contrast between feeling good and bad.
My therapist has advised me to carry on as I am and see if I continue to improve; she didn't want me to tackle any depressive symptoms until I am stronger.
So glad to hear that you are feeling so much better. It's always such a good feeling to have blocks of time that feel productive and anxiety free. I've felt really good all morning and now I feel as if I don't know what to do with myself. I am trying to read and continue to get restless and get up to do something else. Very aggravating when I actually have the free time just to sit and relax. I will carry on as well.
Psycho I hear you. Admittedly my current bout with anxiety hasn't, as yet, been as bad as it was the first time around but I still recognise and understand what you're going through.
I like how rational you are, despite the fact that anxiety tends to strip rational thought out of the equation. I also admire your tenacity and think that you're sending out a very positive message to fellow sufferers.
I'm not yet in therapy myself and so I'm ill equipped re coping strategies. I tend towards self-distraction and watching films over and again. It's interesting following your journey. For my part it's both helpful and insightful.
Keep on keeping on Psycho, and thank you :)
Thank you everyone. The bouts of mixed anx/dep are horrible, but I am learning to reassure myself. It is like a switch was flicked in my brain after my doctor refused to up my dose: I could either let fear destroy me, or I could finally stand up and spit in its face. This is the first time I've stood up to this level of illness rather than medicated it away or avoided it and it's been very painful but I hope this experience and the strength it is teaching me will stay with me forever.
Tanner - it's normal to feel tense and restless when illness starts to abate because you suddenly have tons of free time since you're not preoccupied with the illness. Enjoy the silence and allow yourself to be grateful that you made it through the storm. Try something that will occupy you in a fun way eg watching a DVD with friends/family, playing the computer etc.
Andria - thank you :D Do you watch the films alone or with friends and family? Try to gently do a bit of socializing to bring your confidence up. If you're able to distract yourself it is a very good sign as it gives you some breathing room and reminds you there is more to life than worrying. Self affirmation, repeating positive and encouraging phrases over and over again, is good for giving your confidence a boost and over time can train you to think and feel more positively.
Psycho (feels odd calling you that!) I watch films alone. I usually cannot sit through them. I always dropped off to sleep or would simply get up and wander off. I've never been one for sitting still, so I'm kind of revelling in this new found side-effect that comes with anxiety. That and the fact that I will happily watch the same films over and over again, which drives my husband and daughter nuts.
Socialising wise I'm not too bad. Initially I hid under the duvet. After a week of that I got bored and got up. I've done a bit here and there the last three weeks, to the point that I have gone out and done something every day, even if it's a supermarket run or a coffee with a friend. I've also managed to support one of my friends whilst she's struggled with her sisters end stage cancer (her sister died on the 22nd of last month) so I do feel as though I haven't gone completely out of circulation.
With the distraction I've always been good at avoiding, which is why I think I can switch off if I try hard enough, and focus on something else. It's not always easy but I've more or less managed it so far.
I also learned (yesterday) that I have a mix of anxiety and depression (both moderate), though I'm unsure about the depression part. I don't feel particularly sad, I feel more pissed off with myself than anything else. Anyway.
It's good to talk :)
Hi Andria. There's a word to sum up your second paragraph: recovery. It sounds like you are coping a lot better than you might think you are. Anx and dep together is just called "mixed state". They are often co-morbid, which means it is common to see symptoms of both at the same time. Maybe the depression aspect came about due to sustained anxiety. It's hard to feel the joie de vivre when you are living in a state of severe anxiety. It might be more a case of dysthymia or dysphoria, which are kind of like low-grade depression and don't necessarily interfere with your life too much, but they're still a problem and can last a while. Depression is usually linked to loss, maybe in your case this might be the loss of your old way of life (which anxiety has changed), loss of confidence, low self worth or self esteem etc.
Today was my first face to face therapy session in nearly a year. My therapist said that my experience with anxiety has affected me so deeply I almost seem like I've got PTSD about it. It's safe to say that nothing has been so life-changing as my experiences taking SSRI medication and I hold those memories in a kind of horror. Since our bodies remember moods as well as events ("cell memory"), I actually re-live my worst moments. This is happening less often as the days go by.
While this has definitely battered me in body and mind, I'm still in the fight and I know that I am gradually improving. Who knows where this will go, but I'm glad my therapist is only charging me for one session in ten!
Poet (that name feels nicer) I like the fact that you're very well informed. I'm not. I'm not sure why because I'm a nerd, and I like to know stuff, even if I won't like it once I know.
I didn't know anything that you've just told me (about the mixed state for e.g.) and it is interesting.
The reason why I'm like I am at the moment is due to a trigger a couple of months back, then a slow decline which started to gather speed. I then had a bit of a shock about this thing in my eye and because I'd already slipped into the GAD arena I just went under. I withdrew from my job because of the nature of it, and I'm nothing if not honest. I knew I would struggle and felt better being open about what I could and could not handle.
Yesterday I had my psyche evaluation. After a lengthy discussion (which I found excruciating) I was told I have GAD, HA, depression (all moderate) and possibly PTSD, though that will be determined by the psychologist. I was further informed that I would normally commence upon a step 2 program but, given the nature of what I'd disclosed, she recommended a step 3 program.
Of course I haven't started yet, and won't for a few months. So - that's why following your journey, and the insights that you share, impacts on people like me. You have a deeper knowledge and level of experience for example. Your perspective is also tinged by the person you are, your character and general viewpoint, all of which are important factors.
That's one of the things that I like about NMP. People share their experiences and opinions.
Thank you for sharing yours, and thanks for giving me a bit of insight into what's going on with me and mine :)
Hi Andria. Yes, I prefer Poet :)
If I seem knowledgeable, it's not just through experience. I've got aspergers but am learning to use it, so I accumulate information and I excel at psycho-analysis. I wasn't born with the ability to think or feel the way other people do, I have had to learn it, so I've been a student of human behaviour since I was a child.
It's also interesting to note your therapist has told you there are several different issues going on. There's no doubt that a good therapist can help you, since you seem more than willing to help yourself. Many people with the kind of problems we have tend to run away or hide from them, which is a sure way to make the problems stay. Confronting them (in the right way) is harder than hiding, but it is the only way to break through and live life free of their shadow.
Today's update:
Had a bad day for anx yesterday but realised it was because I'd be spending the day with my gf and her family. As soon as I realised this, the worst abated, but I felt zoned-out and tense in spite of actually enjoying the day. As I was driving home, I realised that if I hadn't had the anxiety, I would have called it a good day. Therefore, regardless of how I might have felt, Sunday was a good day.
It was like a curtain was opened in my mind. I realised that despite my bouts of anxiety and low mood, I cannot actually say that I had many "bad" days last week - I always managed to find something to do to keep me occupied, and I definitely think my recovery has turned a corner. So I now realise that I can still have a good day even when I am feeling rough.
I spoke to the Samaritans last night to kind of "boost" myself and talk through what I was going to do next. The woman I spoke to remembered me from a conversation we had last week and said she couldn't believe the difference in me: before I sounded down, distressed, scared, but last night I sounded assertive, confident and ready to work through my problems. It looks like my therapist was right - while I do have issues with my sense of worth, I possess a strong and resilient self-esteem, and it might be this that has sustained me through dark times.
There is work to be done, but I am getting stronger.
Hey Poet
First good stuff that you figured out the root cause of your anxiety, then dealt with it in as much as you still came out feeling positive. Also good to know that you've figured out your core worth, and that it's had some part in sustaining your dark time - as you say. Being able to recognise the positive aspects of ourselves is always a step in the right direction, no matter what path it is that you're walking along.
For me well I will let you know how therapy goes once it commences. I have. Few months to wait though so I may pass the time reading up on anxiety, and look out for local self help groups in the local area.
Andria, you might want to see if your town/city has a local Mind office. They provide support groups for free and discounted one-on-one sessions. What I found most helpful about contacting Mind is how they evaluated me: their scale takes into account whether you are aware of the problems and are actively seeking help to recover. It is very helpful, not to mention reassuring, for an experienced professional to tell you that you are not as far gone as you think.
Today's update: I've been handling my days off well, actually starting a new hobby and joining a group dedicated to the hobby - I'm visiting them tomorrow. I have also been doing a lot of work around the house helping my parents decorate. I still have mini-blips every few hours but they don't last so long and are not so severe. It's like some of the venom has been drained out of the anxiety. I am handling the negative thoughts better and they are coming less often - it's mainly memories of what I've been through that are the problem.
Mind have had to cancel my group session tomorrow and are giving me a free one-on-one on Friday instead. This week, I have not needed so much support and am becoming more positive. My confidence is gradually improving. One of the most important aspects of my recovery is finally starting to accept that I won't be fixed overnight, nobody will wave a magic wand, recovery is a process that I need to go through so that I will always know that I can do it without being totally reliant on others. This is scary for me, but it's way overdue for me to learn.
Today is one of those few times I've left the house on my own to do something I want to do, rather than something I've got to. I drove to Meadowhall, got a tram into Sheffield and met some members of my new club who have promised to help me get into the hobby.
The anxiety smouldered horribly, but what I did would have been trying even if I wasn't currently recovering from a blip. I phoned Samaritans to help get myself out of the anxiety and the woman I spoke to was my age - I got the impression we would have been friends if we knew each other in real life. It helped me to reaffirm my strength and accept that I am still moving forwards.
The anxiety returned with a vengeance a few hours later but I realise it might actually have been trying to warn me, as I feel like I'm coming down with the same cold everyone else has had. As soon as I realised this, the anxiety simply departed and has not come back.
it's normal to feel tense and restless when illness starts to abate because you suddenly have tons of free time since you're not preoccupied with the illness. Enjoy the silence and allow yourself to be grateful that you made it through the storm.
I relate to that Poet. It matches my experiences over time.
Hi Tessar. It's frustrating to swing between feeling anxious and feeling better - it's what I am going through now - but it is actually a sign that your body and mind are trying to recover.
At the moment, I am still in the anxious - depressed - recovery cycle. When I say "depressed" it's more of a burned-out, sad feeling which leads to intense anxiety. I have noticed that I only seem to get it before or after therapy, or before I've got to go somewhere or do something I associate with anxiety. I also sometimes get it after an attack of negative thoughts. These are now the only times I would class my anxiety as severe whereas a couple of weeks ago it was severe nearly all the time.
Tomorrow at Mind we are going to spend an hour or two building a recovery plan for me. I am genuinely afraid of facing my darkest thoughts (which is going to be the reason they persist). It's almost embarrassing to be like this after 4 years of NMP, but it's a good demonstration of what happens if you stop having therapy as soon as you start feeling better - I chose stability over eventual recovery. It's not a mistake I intend to make twice.
It's frustrating to swing between feeling anxious and feeling better - it's what I am going through now - but it is actually a sign that your body and mind are trying to recover.
Thanks once again for the realness and the wisdom of your posts, Poet! This is so how I'm feeling right now. There are days where the anxiety just barely smoulders beneath the surface and I feel really good. Then there are days when I forget to remind myself of the positives and I let those few anxious moments take over.
It really is a process, isn't it. Yesterday, I had an extremely stressful day, taking care of old business that I had been procrastinating about. I felt very good about my accomplishments. But then when I laid down for sleep, I woke up three hours later and panicked over my inability to go back to sleep.
Insomnia had reared it's ugly head, and I haven't been able to get it off my mind yet.
Like I said, it is such a process. Good and bad days and moments.
Thank you, it's good that you can relate. It seems we worry about different things but deep down, our symptoms are the same. I am still an impatient person so all this to-ing and fro-ing creates stress, even though my rational side knows that to-ing and fro-ing actually indicates recovery.
I'm anxious today because I know I'll be dealing with the bad thoughts tomorrow. I am scared I'll open Pandora's box. Realistically, it will hurt to talk about them - there wouldn't be a problem if I could casually chat about them over tea and biccies - but I am catastrophising this.
I thought that I've been unusually negative during this blip. The truth is, this time I know I will be confronting the worst of my problems without running away and I have built up too much fear towards them. But I've come this far.
It's time to give fear a wedgie.
Very interesting Poet, as I guess that I never thought of the too'ing and fro'ing as being indicative of some recovery. Now that I consider it, I will most certainly take one good day this week, and work towards two good days next week. That would certainly be recovery in motion.
Good luck tomorrow with talking about your innermost fears. That's always a tough one. Wishing you good thoughts for your session.
Poet; it is frustrating to swing between feeling anxious and feeling better but gradually it is possible to acclimatise. I find that sometimes I want to stay upset. Over the years I have been so desperate to be noticed and just get a little bit of that attention I so much needed, in some ways now if I were to perpetuate feeling bad, it's as if my mind thinks this will somehow get me the attention I have always craved.
But as I learned in therapy (& have put into practice since then with relative success) the less attention you seek (or approval or whatever it is that you crave so badly need) the more that comes your way. I remember my therapist saying that to me & I though "no way". But it is true.
It stopped me from chasing people who were never going to give me those things. especially harmful people who were bad for me. It meant I didn't have to try & be perfect in their eyes. I was more able to be me. Also it gave me freedom to then choose who I wanted or really truly needed to be close to me or to be my friends. It freed me up from allowing myself to be bullied by people who were laying into me. I began to see that I didn't ever need their approval. It all became very enlightening indeed.
How you describe depression as being more like "burned-out" that really makes sense. It really does. It's probably a case of having to fight the bad stuff for so long (especially when trying to change or drop bad, unhelpful habits) that it takes it out of you.
And yes..... I also strongly relate to what u say about "I only seem to get it before or after therapy, or before I've got to go somewhere or do something I associate with anxiety". Before & after counselling (& therapy in the past) I am always nervous, anxious etc. but because I know I will be going places it hurts to re-visit. Eventually though it IS helpful. The release of emotions I find is helping me. It takes time &it is energy sapping.
It is good to hear that at the moment your anxiety isn't full on all of the time. good luck with building your recovery plan. Even though it's scary territory, it will help you. Getting there & overcoming various hurdles might make you feel particularly uncomfortable. I so relate to feeling afraid of facing your darkest thoughts but doing that will be a step forward. but if you are able to explore them, they can become less scary in time.
That is how it has been for me. Facing demons from my past. I took photos of my abusive brother to sessions, I looked at him & felt really deep fear. I didn't like "him" being there in session. He couldn't possibly be because he is no longer alive but the fear of him still existed in my mind. He was in my mind & I needed to shift all of that out. Having spoken to my counsellor about how that felt (which wasn't easy at all & was a real low point for me & triggered really strong frustration & anger as well as strong emotions too) I was so up & down. But that was several months ago now & though his memory will always be there, he doesn't haunt me in the way he did. I am the one in control now. My past doesn't have to dictate to me anymore.
It feels so much better getting all that stuff out of my head. So I really hope you can deal with this dark stuff.
For sure though, Poet, please don't feel embarrassed about any of this. Really. You are in good company here. And you are right. it is indeed a demonstration of what happens if you stop having therapy as soon as you start feeling better. It really is necessary to follow it through. It is tough getting there but it really will be worth it.
The thing I find hard to work out is when you really are finished with therapy, counselling and so on. For me I feel like I am almost there. With therapy I had say 25% left to sort. When a big enough trigger came along a couple of years ago, it kicked it all off again.
This time round, I keep wondering if I still need to be seeing my counsellor after so many sessions. But yes I do because I haven't dealt with it all. I have also realised it takes more than one lot of therapy or counselling sometimes. If you've been dealt a lot of crap in your life, it takes time to she'd the after-effects. But it does get better each time you off-load.
So you hang in there Poet & do what is necessary to clear out that dark rubbish. In the meantime .... That's why NMP is good because you can lean on your friends here.
Wow. What an excellent reply, all of it making perfect sense. Thanks for sharing all that, it can't have been an easy post to make. It sounds like exposure therapy worked for you. There are tons of examples of exposure therapy providing permanent benefits within several sessions.
I wonder how many people stop having therapy once they reach a comfortable level, leaving the scary stuff untouched. I know what you mean about having so many sessions. I started seeing therapy as a stress release mechanism. We didn't create or follow an action plan, so while I learned a crapload and my symptoms improved to the point where I was the best I'd ever been, the core problems remained.
I had to re-write the following paragraph about a dozen times.
The distressing thoughts that I've been having only seem to occur when I take an SSRI medication. I honestly cannot remember having them at any other time. My therapist suggested this "episode" (including the distressing thoughts) is a process that needs to play itself out, so I should seek reassurance until I get past it, then we can deal with the fallout in therapy. My impatient and obsessive nature has made this harder than it should have been and I am afraid that simply coping day by day might make things worse - like it might make the anixety become a permanent habit. I do think this episode has brought up real problems, they're not all "fakes" created by the medication, and the real problems need to be resolved.
All the indications are good -- I've been getting better, not worse -- but I have built a wall around my thoughts and tomorrow that wall will start to come down.
I don't know what will happen next... but I've got to try!
Hi all. The person at Mind (an attractive young woman of about my age!) has offered more support than I expected and I feel that my recovery has moved forward considerably: I now have a plan of action.
I have detailed it in this thread (http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=144604). It's a long post but there are a few things in there that will help anyone who is trying to sort themselves out or who doesn't know how to go about recovering.
My anxiety levels are a lot lower now. The last couple of days have been hard but the things I feared turned out better than I could have hoped. The anxiety isn't beaten, I still need to figure out how to overcome these distressing thoughts, but I know that beating them is crucial to my recovery from anxious illness. The distressing thoughts are one of the few obstacles between me and freedom.
I don't want to fear anxiety any more. I want anxiety to have panic attacks about me. And, God willing, I will kick anxiety's arse for all time.
Thanks Poet, I appreciate your response. Something I still struggle with is that what happened to me WAS a big deal. Accepting that is hard because my family always denied it. But now I am talking about it (including here) from the responses I get, it makes me see that it certainly was a big deal. I'm glad what I said made perfect sense. I find that it really helps to share what happened & how I've dealt with it. I suppose because I play things down, I didnt really think of it as "exposure therapy". But I guess digging around in the past & allowing the emotion to surface is just that. I feel its essential to work with a professional when doing that because it does reveal painful stuff. I am glad you are working towards doing that. It is worth it & I am living proof that exposure therapy does provide permanent benefits within several sessions. It helps to quantify what happened & helps me see why it still bothers me so much. I hadnt even considered that posting about it might not be easy. I am used now to exploring it & so even if it make me emotional I wont hold back anymore.
I am certain many people do stop having therapy once they reach a comfortable level. that's what happened to me a decade ago. In my whole time in therapy I didnt cry once. I was too scared. Now, years later its all been coming out. Sometimes in session. Sometimes when I am on my own. I am more used now to feeling the spikes in emotion. I dont like it but at least the thing I most feared about beng upset & exploring it all didnt happen. See, I thought I would start crying & get so emotional I'd lose it completely. At times I feel I have almost lost it or been lost in emotions. But each time I have let the emotions run their course & then brought myself back into reality. After my sessions, if I have been upset, it takes time. For a few days I am very sensitive indeed. But that's where leading my normal life is important too as it gives me a balance.
Once the opportunity arises, I feel it is worth exploring the scary stuff. I wasnt ready a decade ago but I suppose after my abusive brother died, it released so many memories & feelings I knew I had to deal with it. For me, the skills I picked up in therapy are key to working with my counsellor. Because I've done CBT, I already know how the patterns work. This meant once I got to know my counsellor it was easier to get stuck in. Gradually the bad stuff emerged. With her prompts, I began seeing things from a different perspective. Instead of attempting to see things as an adult, I let the little girl inside me start to talk. Start to feel. And cry. It does make you feel really vulnerable & you do wonder when you will ever start to feel less so. But in time, as you work on it, that is what happens. You begin to realise how badly it affected you. Then slowly you begin to rebuild your strength. Replacing the fear with stronger foundations. I am managing to think much more as an adult. To recognise child-like emotional reactions in me but realise I dont have to "go back there".
Someone on NMP mentioned remaining grounded to me. That really helped. When I feel triggered & want to cry & just crumble, I do look around. Register where I am. Look at myself. Be that my hands, my fingers, arms. My watch. All things that bring me back to the present. With that I've been able to acknowledge the feelings a situation triggers but then instead of reacting like a child, I am able to be stronger for myself. It doesnt mean I dont feel the emotions because I still do. But I am able to move them sideways while I deal with whatever the situation is. Then I can go back & revisit the emotional side when it's more appropriate & perhaps safe to do so.
I can appreciate why it would have taken you several goes to write your paragraph about distressing thoughts & them occur only when you take SSRIs. Going by my own experience, your distressing thoughts & current episode most likely are a process that needs to play itself out. That's what's been happening to me with my counsellor. I explore what comes up. It seems to follow a natural progression. One experience seems to lead to another. I'm not following any kind of list or plan. It's all so complicated. So tangled. But each time we explore something, a little bit of the confusion clears. Something becomes clearer in my mind. I like what your therapist says. Seeking reassurance until you get past it & then dealing with the fallout in therapy seems very sound to me. It matches my healthy experiences.
If I am honest, 18 months ago I was literally coping day by day. Even once I started seeing my counsellor it was the same. I knew it would help to discuss it but it's true things can get worse before they get better. But I feel anixety isnt so much a permanent habit. Moreso, its something you are experiencing as a result of dealing with scary stuff. Who wouldnt feel anxious when they are scared or apprehensive? Even the most confident & self-assured people must have moments of anxiety when faced with a situation that makes them uncomfortable.
I wholeheartedly agree with your statement "I do think this episode has brought up real problems, they're not all "fakes" created by the medication, and the real problems need to be resolved."
There's no way they are fakes Poet. They are truths. Memories. Feelings. Fears. They all come out of real situations. I do relate as well to you builing a wall around your thoughts. A year ago I likened it to peeling off a protective layer. That was very scary because I really didnt know who I was underneath that. I was scared of what it would reveal. Sometimes I felt like I had this "thing" living inside me; this dark horrible thing that I needed to irradicate. "It" just wouldnt go away. So in the end I just had to explore it. I discovered there was no monster. The darkness was the memories & feelings left over from decades of bullying & emotional abuse. Behind that shell lay a beautiful little girl who had been too frightened to come out. I read some of my notes to my counsellor & she described it as sounding like a completely different person to the one who presented to her in sessions. That "person" wasnt real as such. It was the monster of my past. Some of what I wrote was quite scary. But the benefits of exploring all that darkness was that I realised it wasnt me who was bad or ugly. It was my past. That was a really imporant realisation & very liberating too. When I shared some of my feeling here, someone replied "Is this dark and horrible thing inside you just a tiny, frightened child who was told they were dark and horrible?" and they were right, it was. I know now that my family were wrong to treat me like that. I am standing strong now, not allowing them or anyone to kick me down again.
So you are right about needing to try. You really do need to give it a go. Its very unsettling not knowing what will happen next. But be brave. Be courageous. In time your explorations are going to help you. And of course there are people here who are very interested in hearing how you get on. I am "all ears" as they say. Its a great place to offload here, it really is. I am so glad I discovered NMP when I was at that point last year. It made a huge difference to me. It didnt always matter if I had responses to posts or not. Just expressing myself was adequate. I hope too that we can all offer you similar positive experiences as you work through all this stuff.
---------- Post added at 10:37 ---------- Previous post was at 10:35 ----------
My anxiety levels are a lot lower now. The last couple of days have been hard but the things I feared turned out better than I could have hoped. The anxiety isn't beaten, I still need to figure out how to overcome these distressing thoughts, but I know that beating them is crucial to my recovery from anxious illness. The distressing thoughts are one of the few obstacles between me and freedom.
I don't want to fear anxiety any more. I want anxiety to have panic attacks about me. And, God willing, I will kick anxiety's arse for all time.
you keep at it poet, because you WILL "kick anxiety's arse" and who knows, maybe you'll also meet it head on too, face the white's of it's eyes & win the battle because you are a strong person. Freedom is waiting for you & gradually you will get there.
Holy moly, what a post! It resonates so deeply with me that I found it triggering and relieving in equal measure. When I get stronger, it's a post I will probably read again and again. It's a treasure trove of insight and information. I'd like to discuss this in more depth at a later point. In fact it's so good I want to print it out and show it to my advisor at Mind (don't worry, I won't).
I say "when I get stronger" as I have had a difficult weekend. Yesterday my blip struck back at almost full strength and I'm still recovering from it. A blip of that level is something extraordinary - there is no way that's a normal part of GAD, there is something more going on. And that's where the anxiety made a mistake I intend to punish.
I now know with certainty the following things:
1. While my average anxiety level is definitely lower than a couple of weeks ago, the anxiety and the negative thoughts have become a habit.
2. The most acute anxiety coincides with life events such as going to therapy and especially going to my girlfriend's. However the anxiety seems to disguise itself as negative thoughts and memories of past suffering - I do not realise I am "dreading" the upcoming event until just before it happens. When I have done whatever the life event was, the anxiety climbs down and I gradually become positive, motivated and more confident as the "shock" of anxiety wears off.
3. I am re-living the worst of my anxiety. This combination of thoughts and memories seems to stem from OCD which was itself activated by the medication. When I experience a "shock" of anxiety, I am re-living past suffering.
4. A significant part of the problem comes from fear of re-living the worst of the blip. I've found myself saying "If I didn't keep remembering it, I'd probably get better".
5. Tiredness plays an important part in my mood and creates symptoms that my health anxiety misinterprets as depression. My health anxiety focuses mainly on mental health, but it is constantly being "twanged" by the normal physical symptoms of anxiety.
I'm speaking to my therapist tonight and have my second appointment at Mind on Tuesday so hopefully we should be able to figure out a way to come back from this. Even if I can reduce my fear by 5% it'll be a start.
Double post again!
Just got off the phone with my therapist. She is still not sure exposure therapy will work for me, but she said this is because my symptoms seem to be "psychogenic". Basically, I display an array of symptoms which are created by my mind and mimic various ailments or anxiety symptoms. This appears to be an effect of my asperger syndrome. I am therefore creating and sustaining my own anxiety.
People with aspergers experience anxiety more often and much more acutely than most others. While I do have GAD, it has got to be aspergers-related, which means it needs to be managed differently than "normal" GAD - I need to start taking charge of my asperger syndrome and seek support for that, since mastering aspergers will likely help me to master the anxiety.
I've already started putting a plan in place.
Poet.... Thank you for you post below..... As regards what I posted, if you wanted to take that to your advisor, I'd be perfectly happy with that. Really, it would be no problem. But perhaps in light of your later post, I don't know of perhaps what I said would relate now? Anyway, I am still glad that it was helpful. I am wishing you well with your next step as it were. I couldn't agree more about tiredness playing a part. I always feel worse if I am very tired. I am then less patient too so things are more likely to get to me.
You know, I am definitely in denial about some stuff. I don't see myself as having anxiety for instance, I don't know why. My counsellor asked me ages ago if I get anxious & I said to her that I don't like to call it that. But clearly I do...!
Maybe that's it, once we accept our condition or predicament we can take responsibility for it and ourselves. So where you say "i need to start taking charge of my asperger syndrome and seek support for that, since mastering aspergers will likely help me to master the anxiety"....... That's it. It is taking charge isn't it.
In my case deciding to see a counsellor this time round was me taking charge.
Well, in terms if tiredness..... It really is time for me to go to bed now. Need my week to start well & being tired in the morning won't achieve that eh?
Bye for now, poet.
Hi Tessar. It's interesting that you are apparently in denial about anxiety; I am in denial about my depressive symptoms. In one of her books, Claire Weekes actually mentions a woman who refused to acknowledge that she felt fear. If you're like me, you're probably denying it because you feel that accepting it will somehow create a problem or make you worse. In fact, if you do it right and have appropriate support, it might make you feel worse for a short time but it's the road to eventual freedom.
I have had a good morning but I had a depressive blip this afternoon. This seems to be the thing I fear the most. I suddenly have a feeling in my head like I used to describe years ago when first starting citalopram: it's like a sozzling, buzzing feeling in my brain. It feels like maybe there is a chemical change or chemicals are being extinguished. This usually happens when I've got to go somewhere as mentioned in a previous post, but I have noticed that it also comes when I am worried about spending an entire day thinking about anxiety. I'm hoping this is just my brain still adjusting to the change in medication last month.
When the blip happens, I immediately feel distressed and have negative thoughts (sometimes I am waiting for them so fearfully that I bring them on myself). I feel hopeless, which is the worst thing, then I become extremely tired and want to sleep - it's not like proper depression where you want to shut the world out, it's just a total loss of energy. I get up for work at 6.20am, so it is not unusual to be tired in the afternoon, especially when it's dark with rainclouds at 2pm, but this kind of blip really drains me.
These blips start clearing up after about 30-60 minutes. However I am so upset by them that when I start feeling better, I remember how the blip felt and it comes back for a while. This means that I can feel like this on and off for several hours.
I think I've spent so long battling anxiety and denying depression that I just don't know how to handle this type of blip. Funny - when I joined NMP I spoke freely about depression, but since then I have developed this fear of depression.
Evening all. I am going to create a new thread soon, I think the length of my posts in this one are putting people off! The new one will be a proper recovery diary.
Yesterday was a tough day due to the depressive blip - however I think I should have come out of the blip after an hour or two except that my fear of the depression kept the blip going. I notice that tiredness may be playing a big role too, what with these early starts at work.
I went for a one-on-one session at Mind today. My advisor, M, and I discussed where I am now and what we can do to help me recover. The session was extremely positive and we made a long list of things I'm doing right and good things that have come out of this episode. In next week's session we are getting out of the office to walk round the local park and museum to get me used to being out and about while I am anxious.
We have made an appointment to see my doctor to try and get me free therapy, but also to see whether I should change to a doctor with more experience of nervous illness.
My existing therapist is not in the UK much so I am waiting for one of her colleagues to contact me about paid therapy. I want to actually start fighting back now, so all this waiting is frustrating.
Hi all. I'm seeing my new CBT therapist tomorrow, but at forty quid a chuck she'd better be good! I've starting finding my Claire Weekes stuff useful again, as I realise my anxiety levels are sustained by how I'm reacting to them.
The men's support group run by Mind was useful and put my problems into perspective! I managed to get them to go to the pub for an hour afterwards, the first time any of them have socialised with each other outside the session.
I am ready to tackle my problems through therapy and have drawn up a list of priorities. This time I intend to pursue problems until they are utterly beaten, rather than let them go when I feel ok like I did before.
Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new recovery phase.
theharvestmouse
14-11-13, 22:31
Good luck with the new CBT Poet!
That's the spirit poet. You can use skills learned in previous therapy plus things you have read, e.g. Claire Weeks & use your new therapists help as well. I'm interested 2c how u get on.
Best of luck fellow.keep going.
Hi everyone, thank you for the replies. I will definitely be sticking around after I get better because I want to repay the kindness everyone has shown me.
My first session was unusual: the therapist said I know so much she probably can't tell me anything new! However, she immediately sussed that my problem is the fear of fear. Our next few sessions will concentrate on "mindful breathing" and allowing negative thoughts to come and go harmlessly. It sounds kind of like exposure therapy.
Emma is the third mental health professional in a row to say that while my anxiety can be acute, my negative thoughts are not occurring in a dangerous way and they seem like empty threats created by anxiety.
She told me about a study of a group of psychiatric inpatients who had severe OCD symptoms. None of the inpatients acted on their negative thoughts; this would mean that the majority of people with OCD can have 100% confidence that their OCD thoughts will never come true.
However I have been so sensitised to my thoughts and feelings for so long that I've had a difficult day. My anxiety ramped so high this evening that I took a walk around the block, which helped, and phoned the Samaritans just to vent. I have started working on a new generation of self-help mp3s which are far more assertive, reassuring and focused on getting me back to good health.
I have not been dealing with this the right way and am now creating the proper tools to help me reduce my fear response and rebuild my confidence.
Hey Poet, this sounds promising, it's a good beginning. As regards not dealing with it the right way, two things strike me. One is that you would have been dealing with your issues the bet way you know. And second, when seeing a health professional, partly because they are knowledgeable and trained in the relevant area and partly because they aren't directly involved in our lives as such..... It is easier for them to be objective as they are distanced from the situations we face. If you keep positive and do what you can along the way to tolerate feelings etc, then you will win the battle I am sure.
Hi everyone, long time no postcard. Things have been tough but I have been learning.
I have become totally obsessed with my problems and now find myself compulsively thinking about them even during times when I am feeling ok. I have become locked in a habit of thought and behaviour - I can even draw a diagram to describe it.
My advisor at Mind and I discussed this at length. We talked about why I seem to have so many problems, why whenever I beat one problem another takes its place and why I am still feeling ill even though I've been off the sertraline for six weeks.
First, my OCD thinking is making me worse and keeping me trapped in a cycle of fear. I seem to be in a classic OCD trap. Therefore, whatever else is going on, OCD thinking seems to be the thing holding this episode together.
I have never received support for OCD. People with aspergers think and behave repetitively, and the anxiety has replaced my normal thoughts, therefore I am constantly creating fear. This could explain why I have never ultimately beaten my anxiety problem. (If I'm receiving treatment for anxiety, but my problem is OCD, it makes sense that the problem won't go away.) My next therapy session on Tuesday will explore this.
Second, my experiences seem to be "artificially generated" by the change of medication last month, which would explain their severity and apparent treatment resistance. Therefore in time, the symptoms might start to reduce in strength. Evidence for this: I definitely, definitely did not think or feel like this before I took the sertraline.
It sounds so simple and I know if someone came to me with these problems I'd tell them how positive their situation really is... but until I can actually start dealing with these OCD thoughts, I'm finding this to be a tough slog.
Hi Poet; good to hear from u.
I think learning does come from tough experiences. This is why people say that the process of therapy & the journey u go on makes you stronger.
Interesting that u talk about becoming totally obsessed with your problems, even compulsively thinking about them during times when You feel ok. That definitely happened to me during therapy.
I agree about becoming locked in a habit of thought and behaviour. I recognise that in myself to this day. I feel that is why we get stuck in depression & why our "habits of old" are so hard to shift.
It must be hard with the whole OCD thinking thing going in, i might have tendencies towards OCD but really canto claim to understand how it must be when you are deeply caught up in it.
What you say about Exploring the whole cycle of "receiving treatment for anxiety" when in fact your problem is OCD makes sense & would be a sound explanation for why your problems haven't gone away".
Also what you say about the change of medication causing issues makes sense.
You are right, It does sound so simple. i find after counselling sessions, i have alot if feelings & thoughts to process but indeed, with the help of a trained medical professional, things do fall into perspective. I am very glad u r receiving help. And your post is I feel positive. Of course there'll be ups and downs to come but life is like that, eh?
At least now u can start dealing with your OCD thoughts. I shall be interested to hear more as you go along. It is absorbing to read your posts and think about what you are saying,
Yeah I'm afraid it is a tough slog but believe me... It is a worthwhile one.
Very insightful Poet. Great job on taking on the various issues with your counselor. As Tessar says, the slog is tough and only the tough will make it through the long journey. No one makes it unscathed though. I find that ny OCD thinking can take over at times and become ritualistic to the point of no reassurance. It will make my panic worse. That very thing happened to me this morning.
Glad to hear that you're being so positive about it all. That's what it will take to beat this.
Hi, thanks for your replies, they make a lot of sense :)
Tessar, it does seem that I am experiencing more "obsession" with things due to therapy. I guess that's natural, as we think about this stuff more during therapy and during the early days we don't really have a way of dealing with it. This is the problem with therapy I suppose, the early sessions are more about getting to know each other and talking about the problems, the solutions start to come later.
Tanner, as you say, when OCD behaviour reaches a certain point it stops seeming helpful or benign and becomes threatening and upsetting. There is a relationship between how we feel and how OCD thoughts/behaviour make us feel, eg when feeling well, we don't really notice our little habits, but when we are anxious and introspective they seem like symptoms of some kind of serious disorder.
Cheers poet :-)
There is definitely a tendency 2 think about this stuff more during therapy. I agree about the early sessions involve getting to know each other/talking about the problems & the solutions start to come later. Couldnt hv put it better myself :-).
I think for anyone, whether its ocd or anxiety, depression etc....when feeling well, we don't really notice our little habits. We probably do them less as we arent fighting things. but once triggered they start creeping back. Of course the more thoughts we have.... the worse they seem 2get. They feel so real as well.
But of course most of what we feel and fear doesnt exist. Its just (just!!!) Coming to believe that. It can be done though. Thats where therapy comes in.
good luck poet i have been reading your posts with interest you are certainly giving recovery 100% commitment.I am in limbo land at the moment and feel i could go either way if that make sense,but i certainly feel better off the sertraline
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