Advice needed...

[smileforawhile]

Hi all. I’m looking for some advice from people detached from my situation because I’m finding it difficult to figure things out rationally any more. My mind is a constant whirr of pros and cons and what ifs! I’m considering buying a house and moving out of my parents at the ripe old age of 35. To most people this would be any easy enough decision to make but I’m really struggling. Firstly, I am very much a creature of habit and find change unsettling. I’m not miserable where I am or anything so why rock the boat? On the other hand I feel if I don’t pluck up the courage to strike out on my own when will I ever do it? I’m beginning to feel a slight embarrassment attached to being my age and still at home. Perhaps moving out would be a real confidence builder?
In addition to these considerations, my parents themselves are a big factor causing me to question everything. My dad suffers from anxiety and can be depressed. He and I are very close and I know that he is not at all keen for me to leave. We get on so well, we are so alike in so many ways and my mum reckons no one can lift his spirits in quite the way I can. I can’t bear the thought of my actions causing him stress however I also sometimes feel I can’t make decisions about my own life purely for his sake. On top of this he was diagnosed with a major illness this year and is currently still receiving treatment. Prognosis at this point is not entirely bleak but there’s no sign of an all clear yet either. So there could be many many more years for my parents to be together but there is also the chance that this could be shortened in which case it would be a comfort for my dad to have both me and my mum with him and also for me to be with my mum should the worst happen. There is a place really near my parents which I’m considering buying so I would literally be round the corner but I am still really torn. If I’m not 100% certain should I be taking such a huge jump?
My own anxiety levels have been fairly settled for a while now. I think my dad’s illness really put some of the things that used to worry me into sharp perspective, but the actual house buying process, never mind the personal issues involved for me, is supposed to be a major source of stress. Is it a risk worth taking? It’s difficult to figure out the best way forward when there are so many things to consider. Even my siblings are unable to give a genuinely selfless opinion because they have families and lives of their own in different places and I think have always been secretly quite relieved that I am always on hand to help out our parents and keep my dad on an even keel. I feel quite envious of their situations – happily married and with children, something I’m beginning to think might never happen for me. So maybe setting up in a home of my own might give me the satisfaction of having achieved something that is mine. I ponder all of these things so much and in the end, end up doing nothing. I could drive myself crazy! Thank you for reading what has become a bit of a lengthy ramble! Any advice would be much appreciated. x

[kittikat]

Ahhh...the ever active anxious mind eh?

My therapist told me to write a list of pro's and con's if there was a situation I was ruminating and worrying about. Perhaps this would help you to put your dilemma into perspective a bit more?

I understand this won't be an easy choice for you but sometimes it's better to take a leap of faith and do what is right for you than to live with regrets. I am sure that you will still be there to support you dad whatever you decide to do.

Kitti :)

[MRS STRESS ED]

The only advice I can give you is go with what you really want, and if its to live with your parents so be it, and sod what people might think ,on the the other hand if you want your own space go for it im sure your parents would understand and as you say its only down the road, way up everything do whats best for you, I know its not much help to you ,but good luck make the right choice for you :)

[Rennie1989]

Every parent is sad to see their children fly from the nest. I moved out in 2011 and my mum cried when she left me at the train station, even my dad shed a few tears when I left. But every parents knows that their children have to move out, sooner or later.

I'm not a fan of change either but once you've settled into your own place, set up new habits, you'll feel at home quite quickly. I thought I would struggle living without my parents, for some reasons, but I couldn't imagine living back with them for a prolonged period of time. I have so many new habits, so many things that I have to do MY WAY.

Once you've moved out you can still visit your parents. Maybe see them for dinner once a week, like on a Sunday, or for an afternoon for tea.

[Pipkin]

I can see your dilemma and I understand that you're feeling torn in two directions. I agree with Kitti, a list of pros and cons is a good starting point to help you get a little perspective on the situation.

One thing I would say is that now is a good time to buy somewhere. We're coming out of recession (hopefully it continues) and house prices are just starting to rise. This should mean that a house is a pretty good investment at the minute. As for the house-buying process, I won't pretend it's not difficult but it's worth the stress and effort - just make sure that, if you do go ahead, you get a good solicitor as they can makes things much simpler.

I'm sure your parents will support you in whatever you choose to do. You've got to think of yourself and your own future. Ultimately, you'd only be moving round the corner and would still be there if your parents needed you - you could agree set days to come home for dinner, and you could invite them around to yours once a week for a change. You could even stay over at theirs now and again if you wanted to. Things are never quite as black and white as they first seem.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

Pip x

[smileforawhile]

Thanks for your replies. It's nice to hear opinions from impartial and rational perspectives! I'm getting twisted in knots trying to work through this myself. I think I think too much...but if becoming a house owner isn't a time to think then I don't know when is?! x

[theharvestmouse]

I would say that if you feel ready then do it, I made the mistake of not moving out a few months ago when I felt much better and able to do it. I then had a bit of a relapse due to me not feeling like I was making progress in life, (in part due to still living at home) and now I find myself trying to get better again so I am able to move out.

Sometimes if the time feels right then act on it and do not put it off, otherwise it might affect your confidence in yourself if you don't make the step.

It's down to you, it is a big step but one that will mark a positive change in your life.