It's "only anxiety"

[Jean18]

So I was doing fine until I went to my staff meeting. Being around so many people puts me on edge. Then I hooked a fingernail and it started bleeding and I looked around and sure enough there was a mark on the bench I was leaning on that looked like blood. I suffer from HIV phobia so I instantly started having thoughts about how I had just exposed myself. I worked myself up so much that I felt like I was going to throw up. My vision got blurry and all I could hear was a ringing in my ears. I have never fainted before but I'm sure that's what was about to happen. So I left the meeting and am now in bed crying instead of writing my thesis which is due in 2 weeks. I hate myself. I hate myself for this constant sick feeling of impending death. As I drove home I thought about swerving into a tree because I am so tired of carrying around a constant knot of fear. I'm tired of trying to be strong, of telling myself that I'm going to get better and being supportive. I hate myself for ruining the happy normal fun person I used to know and love. And I hate the fact that my psychologist tells me that its "only anxiety". "Only anxiety" has ruined me and I know that it will stay with me for the rest of my life. So fing weak.

[june]

"only anxiety" - "just stress" - "nothing for you to worry about"
must be the most dreaded phrases we hear.
if only they understood that unless we understand what is causing our ache / panic etc we will always be "stressed"
"change your thoughts to something pleasant" we are told!!!!
Please "How do you stop the panic and think of something nice?? my brain will just not do that!!

[Andria24]

'only anxiety' - I think this is a way of trying to convey to us that whatever thoughts/emotions we're going through, the cause is 'only anxiety' - as opposed to a real threat.

That said (to my ears) it's received like a platitude. It doesn't mean anything. I don't even (really) care. I feel threatened. I feel like something bad's about to happen and so what if it doesn't - it feels that way to me.

'snap out of it, come on' - yep yep, give me a monent. And yeah, remember this next time you get the flu or bronchitis, YOU snap out of it *sighs*

Jean - what's good in your life right now? I have no idea if you have family, friends, an awesome job, a beautiful home, a mad old moggy that only you could love. Come on - there's something. Maybe we should take a day to share what's GOOD?

[debs71]

Jean, I know how unhelpful comments like that are to us.

I have had the same thing too 'You need to get over this', 'You're your own worst enemy', or 'This is just getting stupid now, Debbie'....just some of the comments I have got.

It sucks. If only people could get inside our minds and feel exactly what we feel and just how frightening anxiety is to a sufferer.

I think from what you say happened, it is that classic escalation of panic, isn't it? It is so hard to stop that in it's tracks, which I think for you hun would have been at the point you hooked your nail - in an ideal world you would have noticed it, wrapped it in a tissue and just blanked it from your mind.

But with anxiety, it is easier said than done.

The key is finding a way to halt the panic from rising and spinning out of control, and it is HARD but it CAN be done. My panic attacks happen mostly in public these days, usually when I have to stand in one place for any length of time (ridiculously) like in a queue in a shop with people in front and behind me. My heart races, I start sweating and feel like I will faint. I try now to calm the symptoms when I feel them starting with big, deep breaths, clenching and unclenching my fists and distraction (singing a song in my head, counting things around me, etc)

It sounds ludicrous, but it really works, as the peak of panic can't happen if you have already cut it off at the knees. All it is is being able to master the technique.

I do empathise with your feelings about yourself...the disappointment and demoralisation, the lack of self-esteem and self-loathing anxiety brings. I am feeling that myself lately. It is hard as it feels like a failure, especially when you see other people living life normally (seemingly) and you are struggling and wonder, 'why me?'

...but anxiety doesn't mean that you have to entirely lose YOURSELF as a person. You are still the happy, normal fun person that you were, it is just that at the moment it is overshadowed by anxiety, but that doesn't have to be the status quo forever, and it is certainly possible to still be you, but manage the anxiety and function.

By the way, you are NOT weak. You are managing something that MANY would crumble completely over. The fact you are able to get into work and a staff meeting is a victory in itself.

Please remember the wins that you have when you are feeling crappy, and not the losses.

Big hugs to you.x:hugs:

[Jean18]

You're right deb, thanks for your kind words- I'm feeling much better today, I saw my psychiatrist again for the first time in a couple of months and had a good chat, she reminded me of how far I've come and to take it easy while I'm stressed with my thesis writing. I got approved today for a new house as well so lots of positive things coming my way! Anxiety might get me down very now and then but I'll battle on through

[Fishmanpa]

This is an interesting thread. Not suffering anxiety, I sometimes read of fears or incidents on the boards and am dumbfounded. Honestly, reading this is one of them.

However, having learned about the malady, I know it is a real illness. An actual imbalance in the brain much like depression. I've experienced a couple of panic attacks in my life so I do know what it feels like. On the other side of the coin, rationally, when these things happened to me, I knew what it was and was able to gather myself well before I spiraled out of control. I truly cannot imagine not being in control of my thoughts to the extent I read here. I literally must be maddening.

What was very encouraging in this post was that the OP sought help. Kudos to you Jean! With professional help, CBT and meds, anxiety can be controlled and put to rest. I equate it to this example: If you have a job and a boss that you hate, you can put up with it, allow it to make you miserable and stressed out or you can start looking for another job. What a great feeling it is to give your notice and quit when you know you're moving onto a better situation ;)

Good Luck!