View Full Version : Panic. They Took Christine Away
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 12:08
I'm in an awful way with depression and anxiety. I got to my appointment on time today only to find out that I couldn't see anyone because there is a Junior Doctor's strike on around the country. I really needed to see Dr. Kirrane today because I'm not feeling one bit good in myself. I still miss Aeneas so much. I know we didn't always see eye to eye, but he was good to me at times. He wasn't all bad despite causing me anxiety on a few occasions.
Anyway, back on topic. I got my Clopixol injection today from Christine and just found out that they are taking her away from me as a nurse. She informed me today that a new nurse called John will be starting next week and taking over my case. I can't possibly explain how much anxiety and fear this little bit of news has caused me.
So, Aeneas is gone, Christine has been taken away from me and now I have a new nurse that I have never even seen before. I'm up the walls and stressed to the core. Do you think this new guy will read through my file before he meets me? I want him to know how to approach me. I had to take a 0.25mg Xanax when I got home because the news really hit me hard. I'm still panicking about this. I was settled in Christine's care and now they have gone and upset my whole routine.
Edward, yes the new nurse will read through your file and they will also have a hand over procedure to let the new nurse know your history. Try not to stress about it, any change is stressful but sometimes it is in our best interests and you may get along great with the new one. :hugs::hugs:
Edward - is it worth writing down how this has made you feel? See if you can ensure it's delivered to the team in order that it can be passed to John?
Of course this is frightening. I'm assuming you've achieved a reasonable level of comfort with Christine and that you felt safe. Try your hardest to view this as a small obstacle, one that you've dealt with and mastered before - which you clearly have.
For what it's worth I'm a (childcare) practitioner and I cannot work with any child/young person without first appraising myself of their historical information, behaviour/s and so on. Be assured that this is standard practice in the health and social care field.
Rennie1989
08-10-13, 12:21
What's about the change in nurse that's worrying you the most?
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 12:22
I'm sorry guys, but I can't be positive. I'm too upset. I'm so angry and mixed up. I always rapid cycle on the day of the injection anyway, but this news has made it worse. I have wrote in my diary and will be putting the points I made out forward to the team next Tuesday.
Edward what Rennie said - it's not the positive we're asking, it's what's frightening you? Do you have your partner there or someone else you can express yourself to?
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 12:27
I'm scared of people. I have trust issues and I'm terrified to open up to new people.
harasgenster
08-10-13, 12:29
Hi there
I'm sure your team are aware of your borderline personality disorder and what kind of fears and attachments to people this might cause. I'm sure John will be sensitive to this and be very understanding of your emotions in this instance.
Are you receiving psychological treatment for your BPD?
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 12:30
My moods are too unstable yet for me to receive treatment thus far. That's why I am on the Clopixol Injection.
Edward I'm not scared of people but I am scared of sharing and talking. Don't get me started on how I feel at the thought of asking for help. However - I've got so tired of feeling like I have been that I made myself (this is how it felt to me) suffer humiliation and lots of anxiety in order to at least get 'my' ball rolling.
Anyway.
John may be the best thing that ever happened, not the worst. Look at how you now see the value in Aeneas whereas at the time it wasn't so clear. You have handled worse. You have managed.
I guess all I can say is feel how you feel, you know yourself better than I, and deal with it in whatever way makes you feel the most comfortable.
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 12:45
Edward I'm not scared of people but I am scared of sharing and talking. Don't get me started on how I feel at the thought of asking for help. However - I've got so tired of feeling like I have been that I made myself (this is how it felt to me) suffer humiliation and lots of anxiety in order to at least get 'my' ball rolling.
Anyway.
John may be the best thing that ever happened, not the worst. Look at how you now see the value in Aeneas whereas at the time it wasn't so clear. You have handled worse. You have managed.
I guess all I can say is feel how you feel, you know yourself better than I, and deal with it in whatever way makes you feel the most comfortable.
I wish I could have Aeneas back to be honest. Christine was so well suited to me, but I'm turning things around. Yes, perhaps John will be the best thing to happen to me. We will wait and see. I'm relaxed again now thanks to the Xanax. I think I will ring Christine at 2pnm and inquire more about John.
Well done Edward :)
By the way I love how well you write. Articulate you are, even when under duress.
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 13:23
Thank you, yes, that is one of my flaws to be honest. I need it to be perfect when writing. And thank you :)
Edward,
I read your post a lot, and yes you do seem to stress about change but you know what you always cope after your melt down!
Even when you had a bad day last week you were planning a dinner party! And cooking it as well! By the way you sound a really good cook.
It takes time to get to know people, sometimes we think I don't like them but when we get to know the person we think why did I think I didn't like them. Obviously there are the Times we get it right.
Glad your calmer.
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 13:33
I am taking it that John will read my files and will know how to approach me? I'm hoping for that anyway.
Omg, the dinner party! I was knocked on Bromazepam and Xanax. I retired early from the proceedings I was so relaxed and calm.
I have decided that I am going to give John a go.
Thank you, yes, that is one of my flaws to be honest. I need it to be perfect when writing.
Tis not a flaw but a talent sir :)
And also good to hear that John's getting a fair hearing. Here's hoping he pulls weight and floats your boat. And yes, as I said earlier, John cannot practice without client knowledge. If he tries that one on Edward you must kick his butt but good.
I expect no less from a man with your eloquence :whistles:
---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:38 ----------
Just came back to say that it would be funny if (on reading your file) it said something like "Edward needs patience and understanding when he first meets new professionals. Allow Edward to set the pace and tone. He also feels much better if you're dressed like Carmen Miranda, complete with the Tutti Frutti Hat" :roflmao:
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 13:42
The visualizing the worst has subsided, so now I'm just relaxed, but that has to do with taking Xanax. John will get a fair trial.
The Borderline may take over if I let it win. Afraid that I'll put all my trust in him and then he'll disappear. It was the same with Aeneas. I was, and still am, devastated by that and am just about getting over it.
It sucks when things we rely on - important things - finish for one reason or another. I've had this with doctors I've built up a great relationship with, medicines that helped when no other did... it's life, unfortunately.
But remember - Christine was once new to you, a new addition to your life that you had to accept, and look how good that turned out. You'll be fine with John - just make sure he really understands from the first meeting.
Edward factor in (if you're able right now) how you've managed yourself in spite of the losses. Focus on that. It's unsettling, it exacerbates everything but you manage it.
Try put some trust in your own ability to manage you feelings. I think you're doing darn good Edward.
Edward_1980
08-10-13, 13:50
It sucks when things we rely on - important things - finish for one reason or another. I've had this with doctors I've built up a great relationship with, medicines that helped when no other did... it's life, unfortunately.
But remember - Christine was once new to you, a new addition to your life that you had to accept, and look how good that turned out. You'll be fine with John - just make sure he really understands from the first meeting.
Daisy Sue, I'm just reckoning on him familiarizing himself with me by reading my files and understanding how I operate.
Edward_1980
09-10-13, 13:36
So,
Christine rang me before noon and informed that this John has already got my file and will be in contact with me tomorrow to make a formal meeting. I am terrified with Anxiety and nerves. I don't want to meet him. I want Aeneas back. It is only now that he is gone that I see the values he had. It was a troublesome relationship, yes, and he did me wrong by getting my Medication blocked, but he did have some redeeming qualities. He wasn't that bad.
Do you think Christine would have a contact number for Aeneas?
Edward - professional courtesy/policies will probably prevent her being able to give out his number even if she had it.
Yesterday your concern was the change, and worrying about whether John will have read your file and know how to approach and work with you. Today Christine has called to tell you that John has your file. You know that he is acquainting himself with you, albeit on paper. This is the right and professional thing to do.
The meeting (with John) is now more real therefore you want to back away. This is natural. Aeneas wasn't all that good when you had him, he just looks better because at least he knew you. He's less frightening.
You and John are new to each other. This is ok. You will be ok. No one is expecting you to dive right in and talk talk talk. These things are always at the pace of the service user. You're going to manage the change like you have before :)
Edward_1980
09-10-13, 14:00
I'm all over the place Andria. I got so angry 20mins ago that I rang Christine and lashed out on her Voice mail. I'm only expecting a call from her after two to see what's going on.
Do you think John will lure me into a false sense of security and then abandon me like Aeneas did. It wasn't that long ago Aeneas was my permanent nurse and looked what happened.
I don't know. I just can't help the Rapid Cycling today. I'm switching pretty quickly from Depressed to absolutely furious with rage.
Edward I wish we could talk properly, it may well help you during the cycling.
John is, like any other professional, only bound by the parameters of good practice and personal integrity - so saying that he is not and will not be bound to you for however long you need him. That is the nature of the health and social care world.
However what you can expect him to do is his job, to the best of his ability, and that his practice meets and, hopefully, exceeds your needs and expectations.
Perhaps Christine has attempted to ensure that your needs will be met by John as best as she is able. Perhaps she is as worried about your ongoing care as you are. I become quite involved with the young people in my care, I can't help it. I do my job because I care, no more, no less.
You're going to manage this Edward.
Edward_1980
09-10-13, 14:38
I hope you're right Andria. I trust your opinion a lot. You have been very informative and helpful in this topic and I thank you for that.
I took a 0.5mg Xanax and seem calm again. I must, however, ring Christine and apologize for my outburst.
Edward you seem a grand fella. I'd imagine Christine would be fair happy to know you've settled down a bit and feel better.
What is it that Christine, and now John, will be doing for you? Is it counselling and meds?
And I really do know how important it is that you feel safe and secure. As long as you realise that it's not all your meds - you're also managing a lot of this yourself :)
Edward_1980
09-10-13, 14:49
Thanks Andria.
Christine and John will be calling out to me for tea and chats, helping me to get back in to the community and giving me my depot each Tuesday.
I really do need to feel secure Andria. I'm sure in time I will come to trust and confide in John. It will take time, yes, but I'm determined to get there. :)
Well that's marvellous Edward. You're being looked after. Brilliant.
You don't need to trust John to chat about any old crap, do you? Anyone can make small talk, no matter how daft it is.
You're making small talk with me the now, and we're doing ok :yesyes:
Barnabas75
09-10-13, 15:04
Its going to be okay Ed.Cant talk now but am going to not lose faith.
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 09:41
Christine was in a team meeting with Dr. Kirrane yesterday so I can only imagine what she said about the Voice mail to the team. I really hope that John was at the meeting too because it would be great for him to pick up on me if he was. I'm just really hoping he was.
Tomorrow I have my meeting and my Brother is also coming up from Cork for the night because he is going to a Darts championship in the city. I will have my hands full.
Right now, though depressed that Christine never rang back yesterday, I am still looking forward to the meeting with John tomorrow. Yes, it will be hard, but I've faced tougher situations and came out OK. I have decided to give him a chance and will work with him the best I can.
That's great news Edward. Knowing you're facing this positively has maDe me smile. Well done and keep us/me informed. And if you ever feel real bad or need reassurance let me know :)
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 12:16
I'm now panicking about how far John has gotten in my file Andria.
Do you think he's already up to the part where I was diagnosed with Borderline?
What if he isn't and approaches me wrong?
He may not have read that far. Believe me, it's a large file.
Oh god, here I go again.
Edward ... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that he's reading up on you, that he's learning bout Edward the man and Edward the service user. It's ok, it really is. You wanted and need this.
Barnabas75
10-10-13, 12:25
hope everything turns out okay.A few posts back you were sounding positive.YOU WILL BE OKAY Edward!!
He may not have read that far. Believe me, it's a large file.
Edward in my job the young people have huge files, usually a minimum of three. What we do, and this is common practice in health and social care, is to identify what's important, you know?
Like maybe you can't bear to be touched until you can trust someone, so that would be highlighted and entered into a summarised version. Or maybe your triggers, listed by priority - that kind of thing.
We do, as professionals, have a duty of care to fully acquaint ourselves with those that we work with so you know, we try and make it easy on ourselves too. I know everything worth knowing about the teens I'm currently working with, and initially all I had to go on was the meat and bones ... not the white noise, you see?
Over time I read through everything properly, right up to and including dozens of risk assessments.
And we both know that the real Edward is the one sat feeling anxious about meeting him. And you're going to manage this just fine, like you have before :hugs:
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 12:41
Edward in my job the young people have huge files, usually a minimum of three. What we do, and this is common practice in health and social care, is to identify what's important, you know?
Like maybe you can't bear to be touched until you can trust someone, so that would be highlighted and entered into a summarised version. Or maybe your triggers, listed by priority - that kind of thing.
We do, as professionals, have a duty of care to fully acquaint ourselves with those that we work with so you know, we try and make it easy on ourselves too. I know everything worth knowing about the teens I'm currently working with, and initially all I had to go on was the meat and bones ... not the white noise, you see?
Over time I read through everything properly, right up to and including dozens of risk assessments.
And we both know that the real Edward is the one sat feeling anxious about meeting him. And you're going to manage this just fine, like you have before :hugs:
You made a super point Andria. I really hope he reads the important bits:
1. I want him to know that I will work with him as best I can.
2. I don't want him to be close to me, especially if he is wearing men's aftershave as this is a panic attack trigger for me.
3. If he comes into my home I will ask him to sit as far away from me as possible.
3. I want him to be caring and interesting, but not patronizing.
Am I being fair Andria?
You absolutely are Edward. This is about you. Your life, your needs. John's life and needs take place away from his work, and his work includes you. So yes, your life, it's fair.
Can you ensure he has these main points prior to your meeting? It's hardly a huge list and so simple for him to absorb and observe.
Effective communication is the key to these things being successful (or not), and sometimes the powers that be overwhelm the practitioner with information, and still expect us to remember it all!
I should think 'no aftershave' would be better. Some people don't know when to stop with that stuff, better you don't get a whiff. You can always work on 'why' once you've started to work together.
How are you feeling the now? You appear to be musing on things and making positive plans.
Bonnibelle
10-10-13, 13:27
Any change is frightening, but I'm sure once you've met your new nurse you will feel more relaxed and at ease with him pretty soon.
Take care x
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 13:48
You absolutely are Edward. This is about you. Your life, your needs. John's life and needs take place away from his work, and his work includes you. So yes, your life, it's fair.
Can you ensure he has these main points prior to your meeting? It's hardly a huge list and so simple for him to absorb and observe.
Effective communication is the key to these things being successful (or not), and sometimes the powers that be overwhelm the practitioner with information, and still expect us to remember it all!
I should think 'no aftershave' would be better. Some people don't know when to stop with that stuff, better you don't get a whiff. You can always work on 'why' once you've started to work together.
How are you feeling the now? You appear to be musing on things and making positive plans.
I can't have him wearing aftershave Andria. It's too much of a trigger for me. Aeneas used to drown himself in it and I nearly hit him.
I can't have him wearing aftershave Andria. It's too much of a trigger for me. Aeneas used to drown himself in it and I nearly hit him.
So say as much. Not that you'll hit him ... just 'please, don't wear it, it affects how I feel'. Make sure he knows before.
And insensitive of Aeneas. I know your life cannot be dictated by work but there's something called being sensitive to others. Not wearing aftershave is hardly a big deal, is it?
Personally I don't like it (aftershave) on a man, drives me nuts. I want a man to smell like a man - to me it's a girl thing ... :whistles:
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 14:15
I'm probably being stupid and cannot make him stay away from aftershave.
nomorepanic
10-10-13, 14:19
Edd
I worked with someone with schizophrenia and there were lots of "no no's" about certain things.
What she had was a summary sheet that was left at her house which detailed things she did not like etc and subjects that could not be discussed.
Can you do something similar - just a simple summary.
Then you can list things like
No aftershave
bernie1977
10-10-13, 14:19
You made a super point Andria. I really hope he reads the important bits:
1. I want him to know that I will work with him as best I can.
2. I don't want him to be close to me, especially if he is wearing men's aftershave as this is a panic attack trigger for me.
3. If he comes into my home I will ask him to sit as far away from me as possible.
3. I want him to be caring and interesting, but not patronizing.
Am I being fair Andria?
I think those are pretty reasonable points that you have made. To help us get better we have to feel comfortable with our workers, speak to John prior to your visit and raise the points. I'm sure he'll be fine about it :)
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 14:24
Edd
I worked with someone with schizophrenia and there were lots of "no no's" about certain things.
What she had was a summary sheet that was left at her house which detailed things she did not like etc and subjects that could not be discussed.
Can you do something similar - just a simple summary.
Then you can list things like
No aftershave
I think those are pretty reasonable points that you have made. To help us get better we have to feel comfortable with our workers, speak to John prior to your visit and raise the points. I'm sure he'll be fine about it :)
Thanks guys. Nicola, I will work on that sheet immediately, thanks :hugs:
Bernie. Do you really think those points are reasonable?:unsure:
Ahhhh Edward of course it's reasonable. One of the kids I work with can't bear being told to go to bed, it's a trigger. No big deal. I just say 'room time' instead.
Client comfort is paramount, never forget that :)
bernie1977
10-10-13, 14:35
It's all about you feeling comfortable. The more comfortable you are, the better you'll work together so I'm sure the nurse knows this and will understand
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 14:47
I won't know what kind of person he is until tomorrow, but I genuinely hope he gives me the personal space I need.
A good practitioner will know to allow you that. Why would anyone step into anyone else's personal space anyway, it's rude. And usually we're good with body language and will read the signs and behave appropriately.
You're going to be fine :)
Edward_1980
10-10-13, 15:35
Thanks Andria :)
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