Want to Be Me Again - All or Nothing - Citalopram

[Suziqs]

Hello Everyone

I have just registered here having been reading lots about coming off tabs and the pros n cons

I have been on Citalpram (20mg) for the past 10 years due to being in a very controlling/mentally and physically nasty 18 year marriage. I have been Single now for 5 years but found that everytime my Ex decided to create with my Kids (who are both over 18 now) the buttons that he used to press were still there.

Last week however he did it again, and to my surprise I just got very angry (although did react afterwards with a major Panic Attack).

My friends have been superb over the years, but this time I knew that I was overreacting to something that really has nothing to do with me anymore, so having not contacted my Ex (which I believe is what he was expecting, as in my normal reaction to him) and allowing my children to deal with Him and his problem!! (which always revolves around money) I have decided that despite knowing the Panic Attacks are still there and yes they are Evil it is time to feel Normal again - in fact I just want to be Me and have my adrenalin/feelings back which have been suppressed for so long that I have forgotten how good it is to feel Alive. So as of last Friday I stopped taking my 20mg per day - yes Cold Turkey

People are telling me you cant do that, its dangerous, yes I am having dizzy spells yes I am having headaches, the panic is just underneath and raises when I am least expecting it (sounds stupid but normally when I need the Loo for some unexplainable reason or the Lights are too bright!!), but I have two fab kids who know that a cup of tea (with sugar) and a gentle stroking of my back calms me quickly, Cold Turkey is, I believe, the way for me.

That is why I have registered here today, I know I cannot do this completely on my own, have even booked a counselling session with a local anxiety Counsellor for next week, as feel that is when I am going to be able to talk coherently about all sorts of feelings I have never been able to talk about and hopefully with her help and maybe some of yours I will be able to Enjoy being Me.

Just so I make it clear my GP wont even refer me to a Counsellor as they have said I need to just accept that Life throws things at us and I should deal with it!

I have now got a BA Business Studies which I should never have got going through what I was going through, I have put on 2 stone in 5 years which has been incredibly hard as I was 6 stone after the final day I was married and I have now got my own business and am able to support myself and my children with no help from anyone anymore (my parents have been amazing but now I can stand on my own two feet).

I know I sound very confident and have achieved alot in a short space of time, but coming off these tabs is now my priority as so want to be ME, happy and able to have fun again and more than that I want to look forward to my 50th Birthday next month, knowing I DID THAT, does this sound wrong or does anyone on here understand how I feel and why all the above is all about the Start of My New Life ??

:doh:

[Andria24]

Welcome :welcome:

First off congratulations on the changes and success you've undergone/achieved ... Wow!

Second - change your doctor? To assume you can handle *whatever* according to some benchmark your GP has created is ridiculous.

I'm terrified of spiders yet don't care about any other insect, reptile, rodents etc and yet you and I both know that there's going to be vast disparity between my reaction to a spider and anything out of the other animal/insect groups. Your doctor appears to be rather shortsighted.

Anyway. Glad you're here and I hope you find plenty of help and support :)

[Suziqs]

Thanks for that and I know what you mean about my GP they saw my bruised/broken face and know everything that when on but now because its so long ago (to them) I have to learn to suck it up!!! Like ok HOW???

Oh and if you ever need anyone to come get a spider for you I am definitely the person - both of my kids are terrified of them (as are most of their mates) and this time of year all I hear is MUM!!!!! ... but I do understand the reaction - as I have one with snakes which is heart stopping even when they are only on tv or in a photo - seems we all have irrational things that stop us in our tracks but there is always a way around them even if it takes a bit longer to get there xxxx

[hopey]

Hi Suziqs

Read your message. You sure took a chance going cold turkey. Seems to be working for you though. Wish you all the best.

I was on citalopram for 8 years, then fluoextine for 3 months. Stopped AD for 1 month, now back on citalopram.

My withdrawal symptoms were horrible, side effects not much better, still having them. But, like everyone else on this site (where I find soothing statements) I'm sure there WILL BE light at the end of the tunnel.

Would be interested to let me know how you are now faring. :welcome:

[Suziqs]

Hi Hopey

Well Cold Turkey is like most things I suppose - why have nicotene patches when actually you want to get off cigarettes (which I did for 3 years with no help at all, started again, that was my own choice too, but this was a very long time ago)

I was on betablockers for 5 years and then put on Serentide (which was dire) the side effects were worse than the panic attacks, was then put on Citalpram and yes they worked, made me lose all sense of emotion which I suppose at the time I needed, but now well I have realised just how much I am losing out on by not having the emotions that are part of life, such as HAPPY, I am surviving but that is because everything is being suppressed, even in the last 10 days I have found that I can laugh and mean it, cry and feel it and yes get angry but control it.

I am having dizziness, my eyes dont feel like they belong to me, my joints are aching and the panic is definitely there, although each time I feel it I am telling myself I DONT NEED TABS TO COPE and then go make myself a nice cuppa and it goes, slowly, but it does go.

Hoping that this way of dealing with Life will allow me to Live Again and as my triggers are not necessarily what others have (have never thought I was going to die) I have to allow my body and mind to relearn that messages are there for living not for fearing.

A good example is, right now (Saturday at 6pm) I am at home on my own, both kids are out for the evening and probably wont be home tonight. I have made the effort to start my evening with some food and then have some treats, chocolate bar and malteasers, for later with a nice cuppa watching some Saturday Evening Telly and just enjoying feeling - yes that sounds so sad I know that I am on my own, but actually being on my own is going to be one of the biggest 'fears' that I am going to have to overcome, I do not want either of my kids thinking they cannot go and have their own lives because Mum can't cope.

One day at a time ..... and today is another one that I WILL GET THROUGH .....

Your Light is there Hopey you just have to take each moment of each day as a way forward rather than a moment passed and make sure you find at least one way each day to make someone else SMILE - makes you feel Special hun

Take Care and Keep in Touch :hugs:

[hopey]

Hi Suziqs

I have been seeing a counselor through my GP. She said I should concentrate on nice things and not be negative. Sounds easy but I find it difficult when one is very anxious about one's condition.

Frankly if we could feel positive we probably would not need a counselor.

Hopey

---------- Post added at 13:40 ---------- Previous post was at 13:23 ----------

Hi Suziqs

Hope you managed to have a nice evening on your own.

I too have (at present I hope) no emotions. Over the past month I have lost two very good friends. I could not attend their funerals and was unable to grieve.

Never had this lack of emotion feeling before. I don't like it, it's strange and very unreal because I am usually a very emotional person.


Hopey

[Suziqs]

UPDATE

Well I am now 4 weeks into my Cold Turkey from Citalopram and have to say its been a bit of roller coaster ride.

I thought I would be suffering from Major Panic Attacks having been put on these Tabs because of them. In fact, I have had Panic Attacks, but they are not as aggressive as I remember, I know I am not going to Die and that I am actually Breathing although convincing my Head about this is hard work, its appears that it is starting to listen.

I had the most horrendous Shakes and Dizziness initially but have understood that it is part of the Withdrawal. I also have had an amazing friend from here that allowed me to say ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH and then would say it will pass and for that I would just like to say thank you, you know who you are.

Today, Saturday 2nd Nov, I woke up for the first time not thinking OMG I Can't Breath, in fact I have managed to get up and get on with things today that over the last 4 weeks it has taken me a good hour to get moving, maybe, just maybe, I am starting to be alive again.

One thing I do want to say is, my daughter, who is 18, has been a rock for me over the years since it was just me and her, I feel guilty that she has had to almost be the adult instead of me over this time, but now her attitude has changed. She now doesnt come just because I call her to help me, she just says you are ok Mum and I can hear you and you sound ok, just get on with it. Harsh maybe, but hey sometimes we all need someone to say what they think.

Have spent a few times on my own now and even been out with a mate a couple times, even spending one night away in a hotel as had to go to a 50th Birthday Party away from home. Yes my best mate was with me, but she had never seen my attacks as I always hid away when they were bad, but even she could see that I was ok and in a very gently voice she just said, it will pass repeatedly, and yup it did.

I am well aware that all of this is going to be a slow process, but I have arranged to see my GP in 10 days times, to inform him that I have come off them, not sure what his reaction will be, but hey its my mind that is now coming alive again and have to say even though the tears are there its feels good to be able to cry again. Although laughing is even better.

I have a party to go to tonight, again another situation that I will have to get through, its a friend's daughter's engagement party and going to be lots of noise/music and very crowded, but am looking forward to it just lol.

Next weekend is my 50th Birthday Party, again another step in the right direction for me and am looking forward to that too.

Quite nice to be looking forward to something instead of trying to find an excuse not to go - if I panic I know I can always step outside for a breather and will be able to step back in afterwards, THAT IS THE WAY FORWARD.

ONE MOMENT/DAY AT A TIME :bighug1: POSITIVITY RULES