Mariana's Life Journal

[chicaplatense1]

Hello everyone,
I suffer from Anxiety and sometimes Panic, at times Depression.
I feel very very lonely and keep calling people and trying to talk but even when I am around people I feel lonely.
I decided today to start a journal about my life and my struggles but I decided to put it here because I would like to make some friends that understand how I feel.
I am 36 years old and the mother of 4 children ages 14, 12, 9 and 8, all boys.
I have been married for 17 years but have been having some awful marital problems. I had a very bad relapse of Anxiety back in February and I am still trying to recover from.
Antidepressants made things worse for me: I took Celexa for 3 months and Lexapro for 3 months. I became more anxious and more Depressed and ended up going to the Mental Hospital to get away from it all. All they did there was switch me from the Celexa to the Lexapro. I stopped the Antidepressant in July and begun to feel better, however I did not feel 100% better. I am still not 100% better but I am able to function at least (which with the Anti-Depressant I almost couldn't).
I started my Masters degree in July also, have been doing great with my grades but it has been so emotionally difficult.
Anyways, you will get to know more about me as I post each day. I don't want to make this thread too long.
I just want to say that I feel very lonely. I am away from my parents and sister in this foreign country, even though I have been living here for 17 years it feels really lonely when you go through Anxiety like this. Especially when your marriage is so rocky. Today my husband texted me about how he wants to kill himself while I was at school. He has been doing that for a while now and I don't know how to help him anymore. But I Panic thinking about me alone, with 4 kids in a foreign country trying to finish a Masters degree so I can afford to pay the bills each day. I feel lonely and sad but mostly scared.
I will post a little bit more tomorrow hopefully if I get some time.
I have decided to make this my outlet because I really need to vent.

[Andria24]

Hey Chica :)

It's understandable re your anxiety. That's a lot on your plate right now.

I think it's worth returning to your docs. Work with them to find the balance. Have you thought about trying to break everything down into manageable chunks? For example defer your masters so that you can free up that part of yourself in order to refocus that attention onto an aspect of your life that needs it more.

What I'm saying is maybe it's time to sit down and work out what you can and cannot handle right now. You're not supermum and no ones going to put you in the stocks for having a bad day or two.

Your health and well being is paramount. Take care of that first :hugs:

[chicaplatense1]

Andria, Thank you but I cannot do that.
I got accepted at a College that is pretty hard to get into and it is a cohort program: you either take all the classes or you are out. There is not a prat time option.
The school loan is helping to pay the bills also.
Oh, and if i didn't go to school I would have to get a full time job that pays like crap and that I hate to pay only part of my bills. Husband does not want to try a different job from the one he ha.
I decided to go to school hoping that I can survive school, graduate and get a job that I like and that pays well enough to cover the bills.
Additionally: I don't think it is good to give up because of Anxiety. Then you let the Anxiety win over you....

---------- Post added at 13:39 ---------- Previous post was at 13:26 ----------

Today it's been hard. I have to study for finals and I feel sick, I had the flu and I am drained. The house was so messy that it was hard to find things. I wanted the house picked up but I had no time or energy.
My husband left to go on a 3 hour bike ride (he does that pretty much every day).
I was on my own with my 4 kids trying to study and get them to do stuff. I started getting anxious and agitated, they were fighting and being so mean to each other.
On a certain moment I got thinking that I couldn't do it, I couldn't make it. I started ti get agitated. I saw a strap of a broken backpack laying on the floor and my 3rd son was laughing at my 4th son that was crying. He was taunting him. I though: what if i snap and pick up that strap from the floor and strangle him? I felt horrible, I picked it up and hid it in a closet.
My husband came back home all chipper about the fun ride he had. I feel angry at him. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go to the Psych ward and stay there. I am afraid of going crazy. I love my kids. Sometimes I hate my husband and then I feel guilty about hating him and then feel Anxiety again. I feel like something is wrong with me.
Sometimes I just want to finish school and graduate and get a nice job, pay debt down, pay the bills, have a good life with my kids and throw my husband away... I feel very angry at him.
Other times I want to graduate and stay with him and have a good life with him and the kids.
Other times I feel like something terribly tragic is going to happen to me. I worry about going crazy, I worry about falling appart and not being able to function, I worry about my husband dying and being on my own, I worry about something bad happening to my kids and not being able to recover. I just want to feel normal like I used to: confident, excited about life and not afraid and so vulnerable and weak. By the way, when I feel really bad, like I cannot handle things I take Clonazepam/Klonopin and then I worry about addiction. I have been taking it about twice a week 0.5 mg lately. My sister has been taking the same dose every single day for the last 10 years...