JC04
12-10-13, 11:56
:blush:
Hello, I am new here. Although when I say ‘new’ I mean new to the forum, I am certainly not new to health anxiety or anxiety having experienced it in various guises for the last 28 years since I was a child.
It took me a while to register here as I didn’t/don’t think I have Health Anxiety (HA), I think I am physically ill. But my behaviour and mental pain during my most recent health crisis indicates that even if I am ill then I am not dealing with it well mentally. I am stuck in black and white thinking and fixated on the worst case scenario.
In sum, I was referred for an abdominal scan for right hand side pain. My doctor rang yesterday and said the scan had found a large 11.3 mm polyp in my gallbladder. The radiologist had written ‘likely benign’ next to it. And because I had pain previous my doc has referred me to a surgeon to discuss whether to monitor the polyp or whip the gallbladder out (apparently you don’t need your gallbladder). However, with my HA I don’t like the word ‘likely’ before the word ‘benign’ as there is a small chance it could be malignant or pre-malignant. I have been googling quality peer-reviewed journal articles and apparently single polyps in the gallbladder over 1cm like mine have a higher chance of malignancy and pre-malignancy than benign ones that are usually only 5mm.
Therefore, I am now convinced that my clinical symptoms point more to malignancy (or pre malignancy) than a benign polyp despite the radiologist writing ‘likely benign’. I can see why this might look irrational but I am stuck on the ‘what ifs’ and I am so intolerable of uncertainty of my health. I am convinced I have gallbladder cancer and have pretty much stopped functioning due to my anxiety (I can’t eat, sleep, can’t stop crying etc). I am already on antidepressants and have now been prescribed diazepam.
I feel embarrassed of my behaviour and I am not the sort of person who wants attention or preferential treatment etc. I am thinking of paying to go private as I need to know what it is ASAP. Accompanying my cancer phobia is, unsurprisingly, a fear of loss of control, so a general aesthetic for an operation to remove the gallbladder is also terrifying.
I just cannot seem to function with a ‘what if’ hanging over my head. I hide it from the outside world and no one knows my fears in my day to day life – I come across confident and care free.
Can anyone relate? If not then to be honest it’s just nice to be able to write it all down on a forum where others might understand the crippling effect anxiety can have on someone’s life. I feel like I’m crazy when I explain it to my friends and family. They try to reassure me but cannot understand why I can’t accept their reassurances.
I wish you all the best with your current challenges
J
xxx
Hello, I am new here. Although when I say ‘new’ I mean new to the forum, I am certainly not new to health anxiety or anxiety having experienced it in various guises for the last 28 years since I was a child.
It took me a while to register here as I didn’t/don’t think I have Health Anxiety (HA), I think I am physically ill. But my behaviour and mental pain during my most recent health crisis indicates that even if I am ill then I am not dealing with it well mentally. I am stuck in black and white thinking and fixated on the worst case scenario.
In sum, I was referred for an abdominal scan for right hand side pain. My doctor rang yesterday and said the scan had found a large 11.3 mm polyp in my gallbladder. The radiologist had written ‘likely benign’ next to it. And because I had pain previous my doc has referred me to a surgeon to discuss whether to monitor the polyp or whip the gallbladder out (apparently you don’t need your gallbladder). However, with my HA I don’t like the word ‘likely’ before the word ‘benign’ as there is a small chance it could be malignant or pre-malignant. I have been googling quality peer-reviewed journal articles and apparently single polyps in the gallbladder over 1cm like mine have a higher chance of malignancy and pre-malignancy than benign ones that are usually only 5mm.
Therefore, I am now convinced that my clinical symptoms point more to malignancy (or pre malignancy) than a benign polyp despite the radiologist writing ‘likely benign’. I can see why this might look irrational but I am stuck on the ‘what ifs’ and I am so intolerable of uncertainty of my health. I am convinced I have gallbladder cancer and have pretty much stopped functioning due to my anxiety (I can’t eat, sleep, can’t stop crying etc). I am already on antidepressants and have now been prescribed diazepam.
I feel embarrassed of my behaviour and I am not the sort of person who wants attention or preferential treatment etc. I am thinking of paying to go private as I need to know what it is ASAP. Accompanying my cancer phobia is, unsurprisingly, a fear of loss of control, so a general aesthetic for an operation to remove the gallbladder is also terrifying.
I just cannot seem to function with a ‘what if’ hanging over my head. I hide it from the outside world and no one knows my fears in my day to day life – I come across confident and care free.
Can anyone relate? If not then to be honest it’s just nice to be able to write it all down on a forum where others might understand the crippling effect anxiety can have on someone’s life. I feel like I’m crazy when I explain it to my friends and family. They try to reassure me but cannot understand why I can’t accept their reassurances.
I wish you all the best with your current challenges
J
xxx