View Full Version : Partner ended 13 yr relationship today because I'm scared of flying
Don't know where to start, I am so distraught I can hardly think straight because my partner ended our 13 year relationship this morning.:weep:
He said the only real reason was because he wants to see the world and I am a 'weirdo' because I'm scared of flying. Also, a 'baby', need to 'grow up' etc.
The truth is we haven't ever been abroad together - we have had holidays in the UK but this is not enough for him so he's going to get a new girlfriend to travel with him.
There are also other issues. He hates living in Wales and dislikes Welsh people (I am Welsh therefore 'weird' like all Welsh people). He wants to return to England asap.
I have no family left except my mother who is 87. My father died in July. Obviously, I wanted to stay here for the rest of mum's life because she has no one else. Unfortunately, she has never liked my partner because she does not think he treats me well enough, and he has often wished her dead! So that has caused animosity between us.
Before we met I was recovering from serious depression/anxiety and suffered badly from panic attacks. It took me 5 years to get better. Then I fell in love and he really helped build my confidence. He was always telling me I was pretty, clever and a nice person. We are also in business together and he has helped me earn a lot more money. He is loyal, honest, good looking, with a great sense of humour and I was happy 80% of the time.
He claims I misled him when we met because I did not tell him about my phobia. I must admit he is right because I was scared he would end the relationship then. I have offered to drive to France but he says that he does not want to go to France on holiday. He gave me ultimatums 2 years ago and threatened to end the relationship but he didn't.
He is totally unsympathetic to my general anxiety around travelling. My plan was to travel a lot more in the UK first, then across the channel and so on. I am terrified of having panic attacks when in unfamiliar surroundings i.e abroad.
I just don't understand because a month ago he told me he would never leave me, would marry me after my mother's death and even two days ago told me he really loved me but couldn't stand living in Wales any more. Yet today, he said he couldn't bear the sight of me.
So there we go - we are both 51 and I have given the best years of my life to somebody who won't fully accept me. I dread the thought of winter and cant bear the thought of dating again, much less sleeping with somebody, because he is the only man I ever wanted. He was always very demonstrative, always holding hands, cuddling etc. The idea that I have driven him away through my stupid anxieties (he blames me) is killing me.
He has ended the relationship several times before and the last few years have been a see saw with him getting increasingly depressed abouth his age and 'one shot' at life. He carries a lot of baggage from his past - neglectful parents and an ex wife who was unfaithful. I guess in some ways he has more mental problems than me because he has changed his mind so often. If he doesn't rekindle the relationship I just cannot go on without him but I fear he is serious this time.
I have spent today mostly crying, don't know how I'm going to sleep. I love him so much but couldn't do the one thing he wanted. My mother and friends think he is behaving like an idiot. The worst thing is that I will face this problem again if I meet somebody, because everybody except me goes abroad on holiday.:weep:
Sorry to hear that you are going through a very hard time..its not hard living with a mental health problem and your partner presures you to go on abroad holidays.i just wanted to say that my wife of 15 years was the same towards me because i couldnt go abroad or very far away from home myself..she allways said i was holding her back in life and she wants to travel and see the world..she allways wanted a better holiday with me and i wished i could...we started to drift apart and after nearly 15 years we split...i still loved her but new that i was holding her back..it wasnt long after we split up that she told me she wanted to go abroad with her x partner..only a few weeks after we split uo...i was devastated to hear her say this to me..and she said she wants to be in love again and if someone came along soon she would go with it....you think you know someone..she told me she wants a relationship with someone that would travel...lifes a bitch..
fantasticfantasia
14-10-13, 23:07
I had an ex that left me and blamed my anxiety after 7 years, looking back I realised that it wasn't really my fault and he was just using it (cruelly) as a scapegoat. At the time I was devestated, but over time I realised how much of an ******* he was, and used me a lot. What I'm trying to say is, I realised that I was actually better off without him and I finally met someone new.
It kind of sounds like there's a chance he might come back, but remember, the things that he's said to you are not ok, especially with regards to your family. You've obviously tried to compromise with regards to travel, and he has failed to act like the adult in return. You're friends and mother are correct in calling his manner idiotic.
For now, start focusing on the positives, there are always some! For me, I realised I could start my art again! I'm sure there are things you sacrificed too for your relationship.
It's so easy to start throwing cliches around in situations like this, but really, things do get better. Focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place :)
You are certainly not the only person who can't travel abroad. What makes me so mad is that people feel it's ok to have a go at someone with mental illness for "holding them back", but would they say this to someone with a physical disability? Anyway, that's my rant! What he has said to you is not acceptable. There are LOADS of people out there with anxiety so don't feel bad about having it. Splitting up after that time must be so hard, but in time you'll heal. Have you got support from friends and other family? And are you North or South Wales? I'm North :) Xxx
Maybe you should have booted him out years ago,he does not deserve you.A lot of people do not like to fly. I fly often but still get anxious.You keep smiling and hoping you have the support from those close to you.
Take Care of You........Petra xx
Hi
Thanks for the kind replies. I am in South Wales btw.
I mentioned agoraphobia to him and said it wasn't my fault I had a problem but he called it a bullshit excuse. I have never felt motivated to sort the problem because I know I don't have his full support and understanding. And the constant pressure from him just makes me more despairing.
I have no major anxiety issues in other areas and in fact I'm more even tempered and less moody than he is. In my opinion, and knowing the symptoms, I would say he is depressed and has been for years but of course it's all 'my fault'.
I did try hypnotherapy last year and it was a waste of time. I don't want to take anti depressants just for this anxiety because I had a horrendous time coming off them in the past. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my mental health.
My ideal plan would be to travel more in the uk first then do the cross channel trips so I could get used to the idea. I would like to visit Scotland and Ireland but he has no interest in these Celtic areas. I would love to buy a camper van but he scoffed at the idea! I am anxious about going abroad with him because I know the reaction I would get if I got panicky. If you can't get support off people who are supposed to love you then what's the point?
It is sad really because I would like to visit Italy before I die and if I could just click my fingers and be there without the stress of travel it would be great.
Air travel is much cheaper than driving, especially for couples - another reason why he wants me there.
Before he met me he had only flown once himself to the Canaries, a place he raves about as if it were paradise. If he was so keen to travel, why didn't he do it before then (he was late 30s).
It seems that going to Spain for 2 weeks really is more important to him than I am but I know at least 4 other couples where one partner goes abroad and the other doesn't yet their marriages survive and it doesn't seem a big deal. But of course he has no one but me to go with (grown up kids have no money) and he wants my money and my company.
Going to bed now to try and sleep. Can't concentrate on anything.
Rennie1989
15-10-13, 11:59
It kind of sounds like a mid life crisis to me. Maybe he's sensing the biological clock ticking and wants to see the world before he can't. But it's no excuse for him to talk to you like that. Are you still in contact with him?
Firstly, I'm sorry you're experiencing the hurt of a broken relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, a broken heart hurts.
There are a lot of dynamics taking place in the small amount you wrote. Also, we're hearing one side of the story. Verbal abuse, whether done to berate, said in anger or otherwise is uncalled for. One should enough respect for themselves as well as their partner after 13 years to be an adult about the situation.
On the other hand, dealing with mental illness is very difficult. My 1st wife suffered from severe depression disorder which manifested itself into hoarding. It initially was brought on as postpartum depression after our daughter was born and went downhill from there. Long story short, I left after 14 years of marriage because she refused to get help and I couldn't live the way I was living anymore. Fortunately, 14 years later, she's doing a little better, my kids are grown adults and well adjusted.
After that, I met, dated and had relationships with women who suffered from a variety of maladies. Bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety issues etc. At one point I wondered why in the hell I was attracted to women with issues! ~lol~
After those experiences, I decided that anyone I date, if it appears things may get serious, we would have the "talk". If I found out they were on psychotropics or suffered from mental illness, I was out of there. After my experiences, I couldn't deal with it in my life.
So, from his perspective, it takes an awful lot to deal with your issues. While I disagree with the way he handled things, I do understand his frustration. I would implore you to seek help with your issues. It's obvious they're holding you back from doing some things you dream of doing.
Good Luck, positive thoughts and prayers
Fishmanpa, I do not have lots of issues. I am not depressed, bipolar, a hoarder, stuck in the house etc. I have one issue which he is unwilling to deal with and believe me, I have put up with lots from him.
Yes this post is one sided but truthful, for there is no point in distorting the truth on a forum where no one knows you anyway.
Yes I think he is having a mid life crisis and is hung up on getting the material things like a boat, fast car and holidays (which we could have if he would commit fully to this relationship). He does not place the same value on family, love and friendship as I do. I think that the thought of mortality is staring him in the face and he is completely ruthless in being 100% selfish.
I'm really sorry this has happened.
But it does sound like the issue may well be a lot more than your inability to travel with him. After all, like you say, he could go on his own or with friends if he really wants to travel.
He has treated you very unkindly over many issues, so you may well find yourself coping without him better than you expect. Obviously you are heartbroken at the moment, but I think you will be able to rebuild a life for yourself, and maybe find someone who treats you right eventually.
Take care of yourself, I hope you're doing OK at the moment.
Fishmanpa, I do not have lots of issues. I am not depressed, bipolar, a hoarder, stuck in the house etc. I have one issue which he is unwilling to deal with and believe me, I have put up with lots from him.
Yes this post is one sided but truthful, for there is no point in distorting the truth on a forum where no one knows you anyway.
Yes I think he is having a mid life crisis and is hung up on getting the material things like a boat, fast car and holidays (which we could have if he would commit fully to this relationship). He does not place the same value on family, love and friendship as I do. I think that the thought of mortality is staring him in the face and he is completely ruthless in being 100% selfish.
I thought I presented my post in a caring logical way. I'm sorry you seemed to have taken offense.
Good Luck!
I was going to say he sounds conflicted but if he has "ended" the relationship several times before and given you more than one ultimatum then I'm afraid his heart has not been in it for a very long time. He should have been honest about his feelings and made the decision to leave long before now - for both your sakes, I think.
You certainly don't want to be with someone who keeps stringing you along and changing his mind.
I have to say that even without your anxiety it's clear you both want different things out of life.
When you feel a little better, buy that camper van. Take your trips around the UK and to Scotland and Ireland. Live your dreams and let him live his - you are both entitled to be happy.
Not doing too well at the moment. I am on the heartbreak diet - lost my appetite. It's great going to sleep because I can forget, then I wake in the middle of the night and my mind is whirring because reality hits me.
Can't listen to certain music or I start crying.
I feel I have been 'tested' throughout this relationship - he gave me an ultimatum after the first few months and told me I didn't dress sexily enough! I didn't conform to that one.
Strange thing is that we were making plans 8 weeks ago to build a house together and he was incredibly enthusiastic. Even 2 days before he dumped me he invited me to a family event.
I am still waiting for him to contact me regarding returning my possessions.
Still feel it's all my fault for being a wimp even though my friends think differently.
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. You sound like such a good person, and personally I think you deserve much better. I know it is hard, but as time passes you may just find he did you a favor. Enjoy your mother while you have her, life is short. He sounds like he had many nice qualities about him, but he also had some not very nice ones. You are worth so much more, and someone out there will give you more. I have been with my husband for a long time, I know my anxiety has held us/him back from doing many things, one of which is flying, I won't fly any place, but he loves me, and supports me, and excepts the curse of anxiety. That is a true man. That is what you deserve at you at this point in your life. I hope things work out for you. But remember you are worth so much more than this. :hugs:
Hi,
Someone who isn't sympathetic to your cause or is frustrated and handles things badly is not going to do your self esteem any good. My husband is a bit the same, although he isn't bothered about flying so it's not really been a problem. However, when we did once fly together - he wasn't really very supportive and I was a complete mess.
With the right supportive person you can do things. I'm sure i could cope with flying more easily if I had a person who was more understanding how frightening the prospect is.
More to the point of whether you were right for him - he doesn't sound right for you. In the 13 years you were together, what good has he done you? Was he supportive? Did he understand you? Support you? Or did his frustrations just make you feel worse?
There is a reason your friends and mum are telling you what they are. What sort of person hates a whole country? I mean I love Wales - I've been on loads of holidays - I'd love to live there!
You don't need someone who tells you how you should be dressing! You don't need someone who is only able to express their feelings through criticism and anger. Is he really right for you? Sorry to sort of repeat myself, but I don't think he does treat you very nicely.
Be wary of someone who points the finger of blame at everyone else other than themselves, because unless he's perfect (and from what you've said he is far from it). I understand if you do not have a mental illness it is very difficult to put yourself in the other person's shoes, but really behaving like he has done is not going to do you any good.
Thirteen years is a long time - I know, but my mum who also has anxiety disorder was with my dad, who didn't handle things very well. Now, although my mum still has bouts of anxiety - she is with a man who loves her and is her rock. My dad meanwhile is on his third marriage.
People who are angry/depressed do lash out at others and unless he sorts himself out - if he ever met anyone else - he'll simply do the same to them and they will either be someone like you who takes the blame - or they will tell him to shape up or ship off.
You are not what the problem is - he has taken his problems with him, I don't think that is a bad thing on your part by any means. This will be hard and you are grieving, but give it time and this will make you a stronger person. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but I'm inclined to think he has done you a huge favour.
ps - you are not a wimp.
wishing your mum dead
will marry you once she dies
rude tars all Welsh people with one stick
you say loyal NOT really hes not going to leave today cant stand sight of you!
he helped build your confidence BUT what ever good he invested in you hes seriously counter balanced by his vile behavior.
what if you were married to him with kids & then developed GAD ~??? so not being entirely honest with him i wouldn't even deliberate over, especially whn hes obviously soo very VILE.#
MID-Life crisis comes to mind with regards to his behavior. seems like hes more on a downward bender than u are.
his past fair enough take I take into account but NOT an excuse.
YOUR fault NO NO NO - U ARE ILL. Anxiety is a dreadful and difficult affliction can happen at any time to anyone!
i think major major major issue is invested time & emotion of 13 years will feel like a very very big waste of time and loss like bereavement!
read this as though your friend is telling u this about her/him- what would u say?
Suki300
He did do things for me during the last 13 years - he supported me financially when I was struggling and got me out of a failing business. He taught me lots about the business I'm now in and he really broadened my life experiences.
I don't have GAD and don't class myself as mentally ill anymore but I have this one problem with travelling/flying. Anxiety wasn't a feature of our relationship. But he is unable or unwilling to empathise with me over this issue. Realistically, he is mentally ill - depressive, moody - and his mental state has deteriorated the last two years. Unfortunately, I get the blame for that.
To be honest, I don't think the flying is the problem. It sounds like he just wants out, and is using that as an excuse. If that was the only thing he thought was an issue in the relationshop then I'm sure he could find ways around it ( travelling on his own or with a friend etc... why would he HAVE to have you travel with him ? )
Whatever support he gave you in the past isn't really relevant because of what he has done now. In one way it sounds more like he is using leaving you as a sort of blackmail to try and get you to travel when you don't want to. Part of being in a relationship is working around things and finding a happy medum as everyone has different things they like to do in life, but that doesn't mean the other person has to do them.
I don't think flying is the problem either - or at least it is one of several problems, not the only one.
I think you have to cut your nearest and dearest some slack when it comes to anxiety though - like any other illness or disorder that gone on for any amount of time it can be stressful and frustrating and they are forced to suffer with you whether they want to or not. Some people will find the strength to cope with that, others will eventually find it too much to bear.
However I will say that apart from all of this, the being nice one minute and nasty the next is a trait that you are better off without. An aunt of mine was in a similar relationship for years - one minute he was asking her to move in (leaving all her family behind in another part of the country) and the next he was sending her a solicitor's letter kicking her out. She eventually became terminally ill at which point the b*stard decided it was finally time to marry her - "luckily" she died before he could.
She was a lovely lady who would have been better off not wasting her life on him and, in the long run I think this will turn out for the best for you too Antique - I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but it will.
I've been to over twenty countries, and lived outside my own in several countries for a decade or so, but I could barely say I've seen the world. It's just not possible.
Your partner needs to get a reality check on what is possible for seeing the world. It's not a trip to a Spanish resort.
Ideally, you need to be able to discuss with him what is possible given your anxiety issues. If you can't resolve that, it may be time to move on.
A quick update - I ignored his texts and calls for a week but we have got back together. However, he has told me he is definitely leaving Wales in one year's time and has also told his kids, friends etc.
He wants to know now if I will go with him. He also wants me to move in with him immediately but I don't see the point if we are going to split up anyway.
His future plans include moving to England and spending half the year in a caravan and the rest abroad.:ohmy: I asked him how he was going to afford a place abroad and a earn a living and he said he would worry about that when the time came! He now hates the UK! (But he also admitted he doesn't know what he wants).
What am I to do? The stress and worry of all this is getting to me. My mum, who is my last close relative, is 87. I didn't want to move far away whilst she was alive but he says he cannot wait as she may live for years! He is so depressed he cannot bear it for more than one year. My mother is not completely blameless as she never gave him a chance and he feels resentment and anger towards her.
I have more to lose financially and personally by moving now.
I am also depressed and really dread the future. I have completely ruined my life because it looks like I am going to end up alone.
If you read this back to yourself from the beginning you will see that he is calling all the shots. He is controlling you. Everything has to be his way. It sounds as if he has serious issues that need addressing and all the time you stay with him you give him permission to treat you anyway he likes. You are entitled to have different needs than his and in a loving relationship compromises are found. His continual threats of leaving and you doing what he wants is classic bullying. Your choices are that you stay knowing that the rest of your life will be more of the same, in a relationship that makes you unhappy or you take responsibility for yourself and stand up to him. It is time you made some decisions. Tell him how it will be for a change and that you will be staying with your mum. You are allowed to want different things. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong in what you want, just different. It is the way you deal with the differences that counts. Bullying is mean nasty and selfish. Bullies are weak people who use threats and control to make themselves feel important. Are you really happy to be with someone who treats you this way? It's not my idea of love to be honest.
Do you really believe that being peaceful on your own is a worse prospect than being in a controlling relationship? If so then you are completely wrong. Give yourself the chance to find some peace from this negative relationship, the chance to find a man who will show you respect and give you the freedom to have your own ideas and dreams. Treasure the time you have with your mum. And listen to her, it sounds like she is a good judge of character. You are desperately unhappy so why on earth are you moving away from the one person you want to be with to live with the man who is causing you all the heartache in the first place? It will not matter wherever in the world he takes you, how many times he tells you that things will be better somewhere else - they won't. He will probably treat you worse as he has removed you from the one person he worries about, and that is your mum. You know why he resents your mum? Because he knows that she has him well and truly sussed. That she has more respect for her daughter than he has. That she won't let him bully her like you will. You just can't see it because he has fooled you into thinking that you can't cope without him. You can cope without him. You can be happy without him. So what if you take a big dip in finances? As long as you have enough to pay the bills and can be you - that is happiness and success.
Other than "not being alone", I don't see any reason to continue with the relationship and that's really not a good reason. Pets make great companions and love you unconditionally ;)
Best wishes and Positive thoughts
It would seem silly to move in with him if he's going to leave in a year anyway. Why give up your security to live with him for a year?
I stayed in an unhappy marriage because I feared being alone, but leaving turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am still single 6 years on, and much, much happier this way. I have my family nearby, friends, and my cat, I am not lonely. If you really need a lot of social contact, you can always join clubs, classes, voluntary work, where you could spend time with others.
Seriously, your future is going to be OK :hugs:
Sorry to be so blunt but are you out of your bloody mind??
As Flossie rightly says, this selfish son of a bitch has you right where he wants you. He's totally in control of you and thinks when he tells you to jump you'll ask how high - and he's right isn't he?
Make up your own mind about what YOU want and let him do what he likes. If that means moving away fine, let him. If you need companionship, follow Fishmanpa's excellent advice and get a dog or a cat.
I've told you about my aunt's boyfriend. This bloke sounds so much like him I'd be practically convinced it was him, except he lives in a different part of the country. He's only interested in himself. Get out now.
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