In a bad place tonight

[Freddiemercury]

I've posted on here before about my HA that had a major flare up end of August when I had a lump under my chin. ENT said it was fine, but the whole experience triggered an onslaught of health related issues and since then I've diagnosed myself with every disease, but most of my fear is cancer related. Tonight my new thing is melanoma. I've actually had a decent couple days and was feeling good after a job interview today and then I somehow came across an article (I'm a googling nut, but I swear this wasn't intentional!) about skin cancer signs to be aware of and one was exactly like this funky looking bump I have near my shoulder. I've also had panics about my husband getting skin cancer before because he's had a ton of terrible sunburns and a million weird moles and I can't get it out of my head that I will lose him. Anyway, I went from having a good day to spending hours on google and not even bothering to get dinner and now I am convinced one of us will have melanoma.

I am just feeling really isolated tonight. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Which is funny because I have amazing people in my life who are always there for me and who I share everything with, but they don't seem to get this at all. I have joked that I would tell my best friend if I was having an affair, but can't tell her I am constantly worried about cancer. I think I feel this way not because they are mean to me about it, but because they just don't get it. I just hear "you worry so much" or "just go to the doc and see what he says" and this is supposed to fix it and we move on to the next topic, but as everyone here knows, this doesn't help. My husband is so amazing and supportive, but my fears make him nervous when I am constantly telling him I think his mole is melanoma and I start freaking him out even though he's not a worrier at all. It's left me feeling super lonely tonight.

I think I just needed to vent, but do other people feel this way at times and how do you cope with it? I did start therapy in early September and I think it is helping me start to chip away at my issues but obviously I am still going through it. I believe a lot of this has to do with watching my young cousin pass last year from cancer at only 9 years old. I think it shattered my view of health and my mindset went from, grow old and die, to get sick and die no matter how unfair it is. Obviously I always knew this could happen to anyone before, but watching it happen is much different.

Ugh, thanks to anyone who bothered to read this long crazy post!!! Sometimes just reading about other people's experiences on here helps me feel much less alone even if I don't chat with them.

xx

[j2]

I know how you feel Freddie. My wife is wonderful but doesn't get it. She is very strong and can't fathom how I can be so weak when it comes to my emotions and my health. You are not alone and we are here to listen to whatever rant you have. Good luck

[emeraldgirl]

I know exactly how you feel I have spent the night in panic mode due to doctors finding blood in my urine. When we are like this we can't control it. I think other people just don't get it. My husband certainly doesn't understand me. Take care

[Freddiemercury]

Thank you both so much! It is nice to know I am not alone! Emeraldgirl, I'm sorry you are going through that. Just so you know, I feel like every time I have had urine analyzed they tell me there were traces of blood in it. The first couple times I was nervous too but it seems so common. This has been going on for many years with me so I think if something was wrong I would have known it. You'll even find that many times the doctor doesn't even know what causes it and it just happens. Good luck!

[rb1978]

I do get like this sometimes. I seem to go from one symptom to another (convinced I have cancer). At the minute I am convinced I have a female cancer like ovarian or something. Recently I was utterly convinced I had melanoma and only seeing a doctor about a mole I have had for years gave me any closure. Its not cancerous by the way of course. I also got myself in a panic for days about bowel cancer. I also remember recently being sure I had a brain tumour.

I go from one thing to another. I often have weeks where I am ok and not focussing on things but then I'll get a symptom and it starts again.

I try not to google if I can. That really does make things ten times worse.

I take meds for anxiety. ..whether they work a lot I dunno.

I do try to distract myself. ..watch a film, play computer games etc, but it doesn't always work and I often end up worrying and worrying.

This forum is great though and you can always post here....or even just lurk and read to know your're not alone.

[Freddiemercury]

Thanks rb. As much as it makes me feel better to know others are going through it, it also makes me sad because I know how awful it is. We sound very similar in our fears! I hope you feel better.

[Cags48]

I know how you feel I have very bad HA my worry is colon cancer , I study ever bowel movement and it all started with a few flat shaped stools I know I'm making my self more ill . I won't go for tests I'm terrified of the result , it rules my life and when my brother died ( I found him ) unexpected my HA as gone into over drive .......I hope you feel better soon freddiemercury