adellic
15-10-13, 06:54
hi everyone
i have actually been doing ok and starting to feel better lately, bit of ups and downs but generally up's, the negative thoughts about my heart/dying, were starting to subside...until before.
i just felt i needed to vent somewhere where people actually understand, this is my first diary entry since starting a panic journal to track my progress/recovery...
while eating dinner this evening, the fluttering returned.
the ******* feeling where my heart pounds out of my chest a couple of times and then panic washes over me. I then think I'm going to have a heart attack and die any minute, which makes the panic worse, which then leads to dizziness and agitation. I don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.
my partner had to go out so I put my son in the car and drove to my parents (my safe place). I was in tears on the drive there, I felt so bad putting my son through it again and him seeing me in this state and wondering why I'm so upset. I feel like the worst mother ever and I am so angry at myself.
I am so angry at anxiety and I wish I could get a grip on this, I really am trying and it seems that whenever I start to feel better, and the obsessive thoughts start to go away and I'm feeling good again BAM back come the feelings of dread, the physical and the mental.
my partner told me I needed to be locked up, that I needed to sort my shitt out, that I couldn't be pulling this 'shitt' at work when I get a new job etc...this doesn't help me at all, it makes things even worse.
I have just purchased a book by Claire Weekes "self help for your nerves". I find it relaxing to read at bedtime but I have only just started reading it. I have tried to cotton on to some of the techniques already, such as floating, imagining myself on a cloud and floating through the feelings of panic, and/or picturing the thoughts as clouds drifting by. this has kind of helped but as I am still learning its quite hard for me to do when panicking or having racing thoughts. hopefully by the end of the book I might be feeling better.
I get so angry having anxiety, I feel like nobody understands and I have no support from anyone (they all think I make it 'all about me' etc etc, which makes it even harder to try and get better and just makes me mad at everyone. why did anxiety have to pick me!? I hate this feeling I really do...and I hate it that every time I'm starting to feel like myself again, I go backwards...
when will I find happiness again? I hope its sometime soon, I really hate this person I am at the moment.
thanks to anyone who has read this and can offer some support, and i hope everyone else out there in NMP land is doing well :)
Adellic.
i have actually been doing ok and starting to feel better lately, bit of ups and downs but generally up's, the negative thoughts about my heart/dying, were starting to subside...until before.
i just felt i needed to vent somewhere where people actually understand, this is my first diary entry since starting a panic journal to track my progress/recovery...
while eating dinner this evening, the fluttering returned.
the ******* feeling where my heart pounds out of my chest a couple of times and then panic washes over me. I then think I'm going to have a heart attack and die any minute, which makes the panic worse, which then leads to dizziness and agitation. I don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.
my partner had to go out so I put my son in the car and drove to my parents (my safe place). I was in tears on the drive there, I felt so bad putting my son through it again and him seeing me in this state and wondering why I'm so upset. I feel like the worst mother ever and I am so angry at myself.
I am so angry at anxiety and I wish I could get a grip on this, I really am trying and it seems that whenever I start to feel better, and the obsessive thoughts start to go away and I'm feeling good again BAM back come the feelings of dread, the physical and the mental.
my partner told me I needed to be locked up, that I needed to sort my shitt out, that I couldn't be pulling this 'shitt' at work when I get a new job etc...this doesn't help me at all, it makes things even worse.
I have just purchased a book by Claire Weekes "self help for your nerves". I find it relaxing to read at bedtime but I have only just started reading it. I have tried to cotton on to some of the techniques already, such as floating, imagining myself on a cloud and floating through the feelings of panic, and/or picturing the thoughts as clouds drifting by. this has kind of helped but as I am still learning its quite hard for me to do when panicking or having racing thoughts. hopefully by the end of the book I might be feeling better.
I get so angry having anxiety, I feel like nobody understands and I have no support from anyone (they all think I make it 'all about me' etc etc, which makes it even harder to try and get better and just makes me mad at everyone. why did anxiety have to pick me!? I hate this feeling I really do...and I hate it that every time I'm starting to feel like myself again, I go backwards...
when will I find happiness again? I hope its sometime soon, I really hate this person I am at the moment.
thanks to anyone who has read this and can offer some support, and i hope everyone else out there in NMP land is doing well :)
Adellic.