Depression, Anxiety, BDP, Overdose And Psych Ward [Archive]

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Edward_1980

15-10-13, 12:41

Hiya guys,

Wow, it's been a rollercoaster of a five days. I got so bad on last Friday evening that I overdosed on Xanax, Nurofen Plus and Tylex. I just want to make it clear from the start that I didn't want to die or kill myself, I just wanted to be numb from the void Aeneas left in my life.

I was very lucky indeed that Christine called to wonder why I wasn't answering the phone to John. I was drowsy. My hearing was buzzing and my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest. I told Christine that I was after overdosing and she rang Mark at work. I started to feel very drowsy after the Xanax, so Mark rushed home and brought me to A&E. All they could do there was give me more Charcoal to soak up the pills while I waited four hours for a toxicology blood and urine test. I was damn lucky that I didn't destroy my livers and kidneys.

After drinking the Charcoal, waiting for six hours and doing the bloods and urine, I finally got to see the Psych on call. We talked about why I took the oversode and I honestly told him that I was psychically and mentally exhausted and so tired of rapid cycling. He actually said that I looked like I could do with a rest and admitted me to the Psych Ward that night.

I spent six days on the ward resting and cooperating with the Doctors and nurses and getting what they said was a well deserved rest. I was tired. I saw Dr. Natasha on Friday morning, Monday afternoon and again this morning. I wasn't afraid. I should have been. There were many severe cases on the ward, but they needed help just like I did. There were all sorts of activity in the ward that I engaged in. I went for a walk every morning with Janice the Occupational Therapist and a few other patients, went to music and art classes and met one young lady that I'll never forget.

Yeng is also Bipolar. We clicked immediately. She told me that she was in the ward last year during the summer, again at Christmas and again now and that she will be in for a while. She came off her medication, became manic, lost her job and was sectioned. We talked for hours in the day room and she filled me with wonderful musical stories. We played "Heart And Soul" together on the piano and had a great time. I know I only know her for six days, but she is a beautiful person that I wish all the best.

When I saw Dr. Natasha on Monday morning she was after reading the nurses notes on me and the notes that the on call Psych had added to my file and put what happened to me down to a severe Borderline Crisis where my emotions got too much for me and I became overwhelmed and found it too much to cope with on the outside. I agreed with her. The nurses noted that I switched moods by the hour and that I went from extremely high to depressingly low in a matter of moments. She explained that we still haven't found the right medication cocktail because I shouldn't be fluctuating mood wise like this on Clopixol and Lithium. She said that she can only change two things at a time so I have been taken off the Lithium and my Seroquel has been increased to 600mg until I see Dr. Kirrane next week.

While in the hospital I started on my WARP (Wellness And Recovery Plan) with Tina the OT in well being class. It was amazing how some of the stuff in it was helpful. It was basic stuff like rating where you are in wellness. I had to circle number five because you have to do it honestly.

I had a meeting with Mark, John (Whom I met in the hospital when he came to see me. I really like him. He's down to earth and fair in every way. I think we're going to get on just fine), Dr. Natasha and Dr. Kirrane this morning and they deemed me fit to go home in the care of Markus. They said that they think the Borderline Crisis is over, but should I rapid Cycle or feel like harming myself I'm to get straight to A&E to be admitted again.

I feel rested in myself. The extra 100mg of Seroquel is really calming me. So guys, all I had was a severe Borderline Crisis that needed inpatient care for a couple of days.

I'm sorry if I worried anyone. You guys have been great these past two weeks, but I needed to be in hospital under the supervision of Doctors and Nurses.

Fishmanpa

15-10-13, 13:08

It amazes me reading your posts Edward. You write so clearly and have a command of your thoughts to do so. Yet at the same time, I read of your experiences and find it amazing and fascinating that you're able to focus your thoughts as you do when you write. I've often wondered if those that are permanently hospitalized possess the mental capabilities to do the same. Are there those who are brilliant in some shape or form that are trapped so to speak with a mind that prevents them from living a normal productive life?

I'm truly sorry to hear of your difficulties. You're blessed in that there are those in your life that truly love and care for you as well as look out for your well being. I do hope you and they find a way to help you stabilize your situation.

Good Luck!

Edward_1980

15-10-13, 14:13

I'm not too sure what you mean?

Are you trying to say that people with illness are creatively trapped?

Annie0904

15-10-13, 14:18

I am pleased that you are more rested now after your hospital stay Edward and are able to be back home again. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Edward_1980

15-10-13, 14:25

Thanks Annie. I feel rested and so positive. I'm on daily dispensing with my medication after the overdose, but that's OK. Thank you Annie :hugs:

Annie0904

15-10-13, 15:06

I am pleased you are feeling positive again and I think the daily dispensing is good :)

Edward_1980

15-10-13, 15:44

I am pleased you are feeling positive again and I think the daily dispensing is good :)

It is good Annie. Mark will collect it every morning on his break :)

Edward_1980

16-10-13, 12:30

So,

Today I'm feeling very vulnerable. I feel I don't have the security of the Doctors and Nurses like I did in the hospital, and I'm feeling naked without them. Una, the nurse that was looking after me, said that I was to ring the ward or Techport if I wasn't feeling well. I'm not feeling terrible, I just keep thinking that if I have a panic attack I won't have them to help me through it like they did in the ward.

I'm regretting the overdose so much now and realize that I allowed my Borderline Personality Disorder take over and potentially could have killed me. I'm off the Xanax because of the overdose, so I don't even have a tranquilizer to help me relax even though I am a little anxious. The took the Xanax away after the overdose because they believe continuing me on it after what I did last Thursday is too risky. It is my own fault and I don't blame them one bit.

John rang this morning and asked if he could come out for a chat and to get to know me properly, but I refused as I'm not ready to have him in my home yet. I'll catch up with him on Tuesday when I go to see Dr. Kirrane and get my Clopixol Injection.

Fishmanpa

16-10-13, 12:55

I'm not too sure what you mean?

Are you trying to say that people with illness are creatively trapped?

Edward,

What I'm saying is, for someone who at times goes totally and completely psychotic, you come across so completely and totally lucid when your mind and psychosis are under control.

To reply to your query, there are actually many great classical composers and artists that suffered from mental illnesses. I'm quite sure that is the same today with many creative minds. Actually the opposite of what you stated is true IMO. I believe there are absolutely brilliant people trapped within the illness of their minds.

Positive thoughts and prayers

Edward_1980

17-10-13, 12:17

Edward,

What I'm saying is, for someone who at times goes totally and completely psychotic, you come across so completely and totally lucid when your mind and psychosis are under control.

To reply to your query, there are actually many great classical composers and artists that suffered from mental illnesses. I'm quite sure that is the same today with many creative minds. Actually the opposite of what you stated is true IMO. I believe there are absolutely brilliant people trapped within the illness of their minds.

Positive thoughts and prayers

I understand what you are saying now :)

Well, I have to admit, when I am sad I love to write. I have gone through three diaries on thge past five months. I love writing about when I'm happy, depressed and when I'm sad. It is a passion of mine.

I also know that there are somne great and creative minds out there who suffer with mental health. I should have got what you were saying earlier.

Peace :)

---------- Post added at 12:17 ---------- Previous post was at 08:59 ----------

OK :lac:

I just had my first argument with John over Lithium. They took me off of it because they made a mistake. My "Manic" episode, which lasted nine days, is now put down to a "Borderline Agitation" state that drove me to "Crisis".

John, unlike Aeneas, believes that it is Bipolar, but Dr. Kirrane disagrees. John told me on the phone that he has experience in Bipolar and that I meet the criteria. I can honestly say that I'm both overwhelmed and flabbergasted at it all. I wish they would just make up their minds.

I know that Bipolar and Borderline are almost impossible to differentiate, but I want them to stop messing me around. I'm sick and tired of being a Guinea pig in their work. I know that I'm Borderline, but they'll have to make up their minds about Bipolar. Dr. Kirrane said "Edward, You are severely Borderline, that's why you went into crisis over Aeneas, but we are very unsure about Bipolar".

Edward_1980

21-10-13, 23:21

It's been a rough week. Another overdose and another admission, only this time forced. I was sectioned, but Mark couldn't cope and demanded that I go in into A&E after taking 12 Ibprofen and 12 Tylex. I ended up in A&E anyway when I became weak. They hooked me up to a drip immediately, took bloods, gave me an injection to stop the vomiting and Lozac through the drip line because my stomach was raw from vomiting.

The Psych on call came with a security guard and talked to me. I once again told her that I wasn't trying to commit suicide, but I was miserable and sorry that the pills didn't numb me. She began asking about my childhood and I closed up and got angry. The Psych ordered a Valium injection in through the drip to calm me down. When the salt water was finished I was escorted down to Ash ward and told that if I resist or try to discharge myself they would hold me against the medical act. I was furious, but I had to go in voluntary.

I met an array of characters in the ward. Yen, Dave, Peter, Clark, Paddy, Joyce and Declan. Joyce is an elderly woman who was confined to her room because of bad legs, so I was the only one allowed into her room. We made good friends, she pushed me to start taking Medication again and start eating all my meals. She really pushed me to fight and get discharged instead of been held against my will.

I stayed in the ward six days under observation by Nurses and Doctors. I began taking my medication again, stopped sneaking upstairs to reception whenever a member of staff bleeped open the door, ate my meals and became well again. I had my meeting with the team (Mark, Dr. Kirrane, Dr. Natasha, Dr. Misha and John) at 11pm this (Monday) morning and it was agreed that I had come a long way from the person that was admitted six days before. I went in boosted with a new confidence, agreed with their suggestions, answered background questions for medical students and agreed with my medication tweak.

I'm back home with Mark again and feeling so much batter. I can honestly say that I am a different person. I'm back on meds, working with John and forgetting about Aeneas.

Kells81

22-10-13, 00:02

Hi Edward

I'm a bit confused about the dates in your posts as you were posting on Thursday but then said you have just been in hospital for 6 days since then so I might not be reading things properly.

Hopefully things will be better for you now though and you continue to feel better.

Edward_1980

22-10-13, 01:09

Tufty

22-10-13, 11:07

Bonnibelle

22-10-13, 11:16

I am glad you are feeling calmer and rested. Nice to hear you so positive.

Take care xx

Edward_1980

22-10-13, 12:07

Thinking of you Edward, it's good to hear from you again.Keep on working with John and doing whatever helps get you through this period, I hope you're still writing in your diary, you'll be able to look back on it when you're feeling well again and see just how strong and capable you really are.
Hugs
Sam

Hiya Sam:hugs:

It's good to hear from you. I'm very well and rested thanks. Mark brought my diary in to me and I can tell you that I got a lot of writing done. As well as working with the Doctors and Nurses, it was great to be able to write, even in the dark times Xxx

AuntieMoosie

22-10-13, 14:31

Hi Edward, do excuse me if I make mistakes in this post, brain fog effecting me badly right now :wacko:

I really think that your doctors need to get you a lot more stable hun, you are having repeated admissions to hospital and you're still feeling the need to overdose on your tablets as a way of gaining some sort of relief.

Are you still taken the lithium? or have they swapped you to something else?

From where I'm sitting, they need to get to the route cause of you having these mini relapses and get your moods a lot more stable.

Edward though, please listen to me, you've no need to keep overdosing on your tablets, one day, you may take that too far and end up really damaging yourself or, worse still, loosing your life.........if you feel like that again, get help immediately and have your team prevent you taking an overdose rather than trying to rectify it afterwards, prevention is far better than cure :) :hugs:

Edward_1980

24-10-13, 14:17

Tufty

27-10-13, 21:13

How are you doing Edward? Thinking of you x

Edward_1980

29-10-13, 13:09

Hi guys,

I'm sorry I haven't been on to update all you guys on my progress. I'm dealing with being called a liar again and have had to give numbers to my partner and the hospital so people can for themselves see that I was in fact in hospital. Just because I lied last year people think I am doing it again. Anyone, and I mean anyone who wants the Ash Ward's number I will whole heartily give it to them. They will give you the times and dates and confirm that I was not lying.

Anyway,

I haven't haven't had any overdoses for two weeks. I spent 5 days (Thursday - Monday) in the Ash ward working my ass off and getting nowhere. I feel like crap, and it doesn't help being called a liar. I phoned a member on this forum that Thursday I was admitted and again at the weekend before I was discharged.

bernie1977

29-10-13, 13:49

Let's not beat around the bush and say that's it's me who you are having a dispute with Edward and lets let the good people of this forum know why.

For a start you have not had to give me the details of your partner or the hospital. I would not ring the hospital if you wish to carry on with this charade then do so. The hospital would not give out people's personal information to people who called anyway it's not allowed.

Right Edward lets start. You sent me a text on Thursay 10th October saying you had taken an overdose. I received a text on Tuesday 15th saying you were home. You posted on here on Tuesday 15th saying you took the overdose on Friday 11th and spent 6 days in hospital. 11-15th = 4 day stay. If you did take the overdose on the Thursday like you text to me that equals a 5 day stay not 6.

In a post dated the 10/10 you said your brother was coming to stay on Friday 11/10. In a later phone call you told me he hardly spent any time with you and was disruptive in the flat waking you and Mark. I asked you how could this be as you'd said you were in hospital after an overdose on ths date.

Thursday 17/10 I received a text saying you were in a&e after another overdose. Sunday 20/10 I receive a text saying you are to be discharged on Monday 21/10. You post on Monday 21/10 saying you've been in hospital for 6 days. 17/10-21/10= 4 days not 6. When you pm'd me after getting home I asked you about how you could ave had your brother to stay when you were in hospital that weekend but you then said it was the weekend after. If it was the weekend after Friday 11/10 that would make it 18/10 and you were in hospital for that date too.

Lots of other things you have told me don't add up but I chose to ignore it as I thought these lies you told were part of your illness. As you've decided to bring up this subject and now start attacking me I have to put my side across. I will always stick up for myself Edward. I also have all your texts and pm's to back up what I'm saying. I think it's best you don't text or call me anymore or send pm's.

You were caught out lying in similar circumstances only a few months ago. When you came back on the board we started chatting again and moved on. I was the only one to do this and others weren't so forgiving, I wish I had listened to their warnings about you and stayed away