xtopher
16-10-13, 17:07
Hi there, new to this forum and wanted to say hi, and how grateful I am that this exists to provide support for everyone who needs it. Here's my situation:
I'm currently experiencing a very bad relapse into anxiety and depression. Having had issues with anxiety for the past 11 years or so, I've been on and off citalopram during stressful parts of my life. I seem to react badly to change, so when I moved home to a different city for example, that triggered off an episode. However, I stuck through it - and with the help of brilliant friends, medication and therapy I was back on form within a couple of months, and loving life. After a year or so, I felt I could survive without the antidepressants, so gradually reduced dose and was fine for a few months, and then the anxiety started creeping back, and I had a full blown panic episode again when my job finished (another big change). So I went back on citalopram, and got all the help I got the time before. Once again, I recovered, got a really good job, and life went very well.
Until 2 months ago. Bizarrely, some may say stupidly, I decided I was completely cured again and very very gradually came off the citalopram at the end of last year, coming off completely in about March. At first, I thought I was OK....normal 'emotions' started appearing again, and I noticed myself becoming more sensitive. Then I started reacting badly to usual daily stressors, and obsessively worrying about trivial matters. It was stressful, although manageable - but I had a big change coming up. A new job, in a new city. So I had to move, and start a new job at the same time. Big mistake. I didn't sleep the night before starting due to stress, and on my first day I ended up in UCL hospital having severe panic attacks. I started back on citalopram, but I wasn't well enough to continue my job so I had to leave.
That was 2 months ago. I'm jobless, staying with my parents, and living away from my partner (who moved to London to be with me!) I'm on a higher dose of citalopram than ever before (30mg), but it doesn't seem to be working this time. I'm so anxious it's a struggle to get through a single day. I'm also depressed so I feel hopeless and exhausted - I'm withdrawing from life, my friends, my family, my relationship, and I just don't feel like I will ever recover. I've had an assessment with a counsellor, so that should start soon, and am on a waiting list for CBT. Unfortunately as I'm not working, I can't afford to pay for private help.
I've always a 'highly-strung' person, and remember having anxieties when i was very young (11), but I can trace back to when I first started feeling overwhelming anxiety when I fell in love with someone who did not love me back when i was 17. I developed a sleeping problem, and now have a tremendous anxiety about not sleeping. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping very well now! Then my brother died in a tragic and sudden accident. I was at my last year of sixth form at the time (Aged 18) and didn't take any time out, and went straight to uni - where I suffered my first major episode of panic and I had to drop out of the course because I couldn't cope. I did go back the year after and conquered that fear, but I have always had problems with anxiety ever since, and I just can't see a way out this time.
Wow - I've just realised how long this 'introduction' is - I congratulate anyone who had managed to persevere this far. Any positive suggestions or messages of hope will be enormously received, as at the moment I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
A million thanks,
chris x
I'm currently experiencing a very bad relapse into anxiety and depression. Having had issues with anxiety for the past 11 years or so, I've been on and off citalopram during stressful parts of my life. I seem to react badly to change, so when I moved home to a different city for example, that triggered off an episode. However, I stuck through it - and with the help of brilliant friends, medication and therapy I was back on form within a couple of months, and loving life. After a year or so, I felt I could survive without the antidepressants, so gradually reduced dose and was fine for a few months, and then the anxiety started creeping back, and I had a full blown panic episode again when my job finished (another big change). So I went back on citalopram, and got all the help I got the time before. Once again, I recovered, got a really good job, and life went very well.
Until 2 months ago. Bizarrely, some may say stupidly, I decided I was completely cured again and very very gradually came off the citalopram at the end of last year, coming off completely in about March. At first, I thought I was OK....normal 'emotions' started appearing again, and I noticed myself becoming more sensitive. Then I started reacting badly to usual daily stressors, and obsessively worrying about trivial matters. It was stressful, although manageable - but I had a big change coming up. A new job, in a new city. So I had to move, and start a new job at the same time. Big mistake. I didn't sleep the night before starting due to stress, and on my first day I ended up in UCL hospital having severe panic attacks. I started back on citalopram, but I wasn't well enough to continue my job so I had to leave.
That was 2 months ago. I'm jobless, staying with my parents, and living away from my partner (who moved to London to be with me!) I'm on a higher dose of citalopram than ever before (30mg), but it doesn't seem to be working this time. I'm so anxious it's a struggle to get through a single day. I'm also depressed so I feel hopeless and exhausted - I'm withdrawing from life, my friends, my family, my relationship, and I just don't feel like I will ever recover. I've had an assessment with a counsellor, so that should start soon, and am on a waiting list for CBT. Unfortunately as I'm not working, I can't afford to pay for private help.
I've always a 'highly-strung' person, and remember having anxieties when i was very young (11), but I can trace back to when I first started feeling overwhelming anxiety when I fell in love with someone who did not love me back when i was 17. I developed a sleeping problem, and now have a tremendous anxiety about not sleeping. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping very well now! Then my brother died in a tragic and sudden accident. I was at my last year of sixth form at the time (Aged 18) and didn't take any time out, and went straight to uni - where I suffered my first major episode of panic and I had to drop out of the course because I couldn't cope. I did go back the year after and conquered that fear, but I have always had problems with anxiety ever since, and I just can't see a way out this time.
Wow - I've just realised how long this 'introduction' is - I congratulate anyone who had managed to persevere this far. Any positive suggestions or messages of hope will be enormously received, as at the moment I can't see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
A million thanks,
chris x