Neurotic Nick
17-10-13, 00:32
Hi guys, this is my first post here but ive been reading the stuff on this site for a while now and it helped a lot.
Im actually going through a very rough patch at the moment and im sure i might post/ask questions on how to recover from it but i really need to vent about something that been bugging for a long time now. And maybe find someone who can relate ;)
The thing that bugs me is that about 3 years ago i decided to get help with my - occasional - panic attacks. At the time i would have a several of these a year, always caused by one of two triggers: travelling (getting stuck in airports or on trains) and breakups. Now i had been on a very long path of self improvement from being a couch bound weed smoker (i live in the netherlands and its legal here) to a teetotal social fellow whos trying to be a proffesional artist. So in the spirit of self improvement i thought i'd tackle this pesky panic attack thing and move on... Famous last words...
My first therapist was a lovely woman who i fell slightly in love with and together i think we dug up a whole heap of bad stuff i had buried over the years. It was supposedly cbt but looking back im not so sure. During that time i had good periods, for two months i had a dream job in the creative field but got fired for being sick too often, but mostly my attacks became more frequent and i became agoraphobic. After two years my therapist eventually thought it was time to stand on my own two feet (even though i felt more lost then ever) and slowly cut down the sessions till termination.
I had a reasonable period after that, few attacks but my agoraphobia went up and down and i also became unable to drive on the highway.
Then i had a crisis. I started to get dizzy spells, became convinced i had a medical condition and spiraled downward to being bed bound and eventually realizing it was anxiety.
So off to another therapist. This time to a place specialised in anxiety and phobias. The treament this time was a lot tougher. A lot of exposure and homework. At first it was great, i made great strides forward and started to feel i was beating it. Then i had a minor relapse by having a big attack during driving exposure. Ok, picked myself up kept going. Then my agoraphobia got a lot worse, couldnt leave the house to walk the dog without getting very dizzy and frightenend. And in the last week i hit bottom. Had all my worst fears come true. First i had a major panic attack the likes of wich id never experienced at a friends house. Had to be helped to his wife's van and driven home. And at home i got so scared my mother had to come over to calm me down till the oxazepam i have for emergencies started to work (had to take a double dose) A few days later i went to see my gp and had another huge attack in the pharmacy afterwards. Ended up in the back room puffing it out till the oxazepam kicked in. Drove myself home and again i was determined to beat it so the next day i decided to start exercising. Was panicky all day and the exercise made it a lot worse but was determined to ride it out. So i rode out attack after attack. Then came the biggest one i'd ever had. Reached for the oxazepam but before it started working i got so scared i called for an ambulance. Letting this get so out of hand has always been my biggest fear. Of course they left after finding nothing wrong and my heart slowed down (it was at 125 bpm with 100% oxygen) but after this incident im very disheartened. Spent a few days in bed but feeling slightly better today but very fearful about the future. Considering meds even though they scare me.
Ok that was a lot longer than i thought it would be but i think i really needed to share it ;) but back to my original rant: im haunted by the thought that if i had never gone to therapy i would still be in my flawed but much more stable state i was in before. A line from "the mindfull way through anxiety" keeps coming up: (paraprashing) someone who has a few attacks a year but doesnt let it affect their life or ambitions doesnt suffer from a disorder. Someone who has an attack and it scares them so much they're afraid to go out alone does" I feel i voluntarily went from one to the other.... :(
Im actually going through a very rough patch at the moment and im sure i might post/ask questions on how to recover from it but i really need to vent about something that been bugging for a long time now. And maybe find someone who can relate ;)
The thing that bugs me is that about 3 years ago i decided to get help with my - occasional - panic attacks. At the time i would have a several of these a year, always caused by one of two triggers: travelling (getting stuck in airports or on trains) and breakups. Now i had been on a very long path of self improvement from being a couch bound weed smoker (i live in the netherlands and its legal here) to a teetotal social fellow whos trying to be a proffesional artist. So in the spirit of self improvement i thought i'd tackle this pesky panic attack thing and move on... Famous last words...
My first therapist was a lovely woman who i fell slightly in love with and together i think we dug up a whole heap of bad stuff i had buried over the years. It was supposedly cbt but looking back im not so sure. During that time i had good periods, for two months i had a dream job in the creative field but got fired for being sick too often, but mostly my attacks became more frequent and i became agoraphobic. After two years my therapist eventually thought it was time to stand on my own two feet (even though i felt more lost then ever) and slowly cut down the sessions till termination.
I had a reasonable period after that, few attacks but my agoraphobia went up and down and i also became unable to drive on the highway.
Then i had a crisis. I started to get dizzy spells, became convinced i had a medical condition and spiraled downward to being bed bound and eventually realizing it was anxiety.
So off to another therapist. This time to a place specialised in anxiety and phobias. The treament this time was a lot tougher. A lot of exposure and homework. At first it was great, i made great strides forward and started to feel i was beating it. Then i had a minor relapse by having a big attack during driving exposure. Ok, picked myself up kept going. Then my agoraphobia got a lot worse, couldnt leave the house to walk the dog without getting very dizzy and frightenend. And in the last week i hit bottom. Had all my worst fears come true. First i had a major panic attack the likes of wich id never experienced at a friends house. Had to be helped to his wife's van and driven home. And at home i got so scared my mother had to come over to calm me down till the oxazepam i have for emergencies started to work (had to take a double dose) A few days later i went to see my gp and had another huge attack in the pharmacy afterwards. Ended up in the back room puffing it out till the oxazepam kicked in. Drove myself home and again i was determined to beat it so the next day i decided to start exercising. Was panicky all day and the exercise made it a lot worse but was determined to ride it out. So i rode out attack after attack. Then came the biggest one i'd ever had. Reached for the oxazepam but before it started working i got so scared i called for an ambulance. Letting this get so out of hand has always been my biggest fear. Of course they left after finding nothing wrong and my heart slowed down (it was at 125 bpm with 100% oxygen) but after this incident im very disheartened. Spent a few days in bed but feeling slightly better today but very fearful about the future. Considering meds even though they scare me.
Ok that was a lot longer than i thought it would be but i think i really needed to share it ;) but back to my original rant: im haunted by the thought that if i had never gone to therapy i would still be in my flawed but much more stable state i was in before. A line from "the mindfull way through anxiety" keeps coming up: (paraprashing) someone who has a few attacks a year but doesnt let it affect their life or ambitions doesnt suffer from a disorder. Someone who has an attack and it scares them so much they're afraid to go out alone does" I feel i voluntarily went from one to the other.... :(