going mad

[syl]

I feel like my head is going to burst open this morning and I am terrified
It all started because I could not get an answer from my son over a weekend away , I got so fed up that I sent him a email saying how I feel about it all .
the minute i sent the email I wanted to get it back.
Now i am worried sick what he is going to think of me and more important what is he going to say oh god what have i done
I have got terrible palpatations sat here my head is thumping and I am alone I am frightened I am going to pass or have a heart attack but no one will know

[manmoor]

Hi Syl,

I'm sure your son will understand when he gets the email that you were just worried about him. Don't torment yourself about it as it will only make your palpatations worse. I promise you won't die. Thinking of you. x

Take Care

Mandyxx

[lass]

Hi there, try to calm down, the outcome is never as bad as you imagine.

Can you email your son again and explain you sent something you regret, you didn't mean it to come out as it did, but you were worried and stressed.

Why are you worried about his reaction, does he not know about or understand your anxiety? Maybe you need things out in the open and he might be more considerate to you in the future.

Hope you are ok.
xx

[syl]

Hi
Thanks for your message manmoor and ckirby
No my son does not understand my anxiaty he never has when he was younger (he is now 41) he used to say I was having panic attacks for attention because he didnt know about the life I lived with his farther (divorced him) and I never told my son that i was a battered wife for 23 years .

I am worried about his reaction because for 8 years after my divorce I didnt have contact with my son and dont want that to happen again
I dont know why I sent the email just so fed up waiting for a answer about us all going away for the weekend been waiting for this since august and I had just had enough of waiting that was why i sent the email wish i hadnt now.
Only time will tell i guess will be scared of going on computer incase i get a bad reply
maybe i should just disapear from the face of the earth that might be best
sorry that is how i feel
thank for your reply they do help

[lass]

It's just impossible to explain to anyone what it's like living with anxiety when they don't have it. My husband said the other day he thought I enjoyed the attention from it! I don't, and I would do anything to make it go away. Sometimes I think people get frustrated because they don't understand and think we should snap out of it.

Hopefully your son will have regretted the 8 years of no contact as much as you have. Also, hopefully he is a lot more understanding or tolerant of how you are now he's older, it's not as if you can help it!

Can't you send him a little email saying you were frustrated and anxious, you regret the way that you said what you said, but you sent it in the heat of the moment. But at the end of the day, as much as you try to deal with it and cover it up, you do suffer with anxiety and you do need the people you love to have a bit of patience with you.

Don't hide away from him, you've done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. We all do or say things we regret from time to time. He's probably thinking "Mum's off again!"; there's no reason why he'd be angry with you. Sounds like you have just tolerated too many years of abuse and have been put down too many times, so you think badly of yourself.

Take care xxx

[syl]

Hi Ckirby
thank you so much for your message
it is good to know someone understands how others feel
I am going to go for a walk and try and clear my head going to take my mobile with me at least then if i do feel ill i can phone doctor
thank you so much your reply has helped a lot just got to wait and see if i do get a answer from my son Know he is busy this morning because my daughter in law and grandaughter return from florida after seeing her parents (daughter in law takes grandaughter a lot to see her parents in florida maybe i should live in florida might see more of them then
well thanks for everything

[domino]

syl do,nt beat yourself up over this, you sent e.mail and now regret it, maybe your son needed to know how you really feel and by sending it he now does. hope you can sort this out,i,m sure you will. take care lorraine:D

[syl]

thanks for all your messages as yet no word from my son
so it looks like I did the wrong thing by sending that email so nobody to blame except myself

palpations have been bad tonight twice I nearly phone for ambulance thought I was going to have heart attack but still here so cant be dont think i will sleep tonight with the worry what i have done why didnt i think twice before i sent the dam email like openening your mouth before you think
thanks all

[lass]

Please don't blame yourself, you are entitled to say what you think!

My counsellor made me realise something when I was saying how bad I felt that I had upset someone - she said, who is responsible for that other person's feelings?

Basically we all have to take responsibility for our own feelings, and that's it. If he's upset with you, then that's his problem. He'll get over it, and you really must not dwell on it.

Is it possible that he hasn't picked up his emails? Or is just busy and hasn't had a chance to respond? You are thinking that he is avoiding you because he's angry with you, but there are loads of other explanations.

Try to put it to the back of your mind now, find something else to occupy you, I'm sure it'll all turn out ok.

If you need someone to chat to, I'm around for a while (at least til the footie's finished!).

xxx

[reddevil]

Hi,

Your not alone, my family also think I do it for attention.
Like ckirby25 said, it's only us who suffer like you understand.

Take Care.

Red

[syl]

well 24 hours after sending the email and still no reply.
I know my son got the email because i have a message on my computer that comes back on email and says so and so recieved your email so i know he has got it .
I also have his own website and I knowhe was in that last night but still no word
this morning his website has disapeared saying change of site contact owner next thing is email addy will change then I wont be able to send emails
I have been up most of the night had terrible stomach pains and spent most of the night in the bathroom all nerves I hope

I really feel I dont want to be here anymore I just wished I had thought what i was doing before i sent email;
But I thought at his age he was old enough to take what i was saying how wrong can you be ,
Oh well heres to a life completly along

[Lynnann]

hi Syl,

Could you rty to send another e-mail before his address changes. could you try to explain? If you could do that I think you might feel a little better, at least you will have tried!

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[syl]

Hi Lynann
I thought of that this morning so sent one straight of just in case email addy changes but as yet no reply.
At the moment I am wondering if i could get the train (not good at traveling ) and go down and face him but have to think of the cost and the fact he may not even see me when i get there
dont know what to do just dont want to be around any more to suffer like this

[spiritofnow]

Hey Syl!
Families can be tricky things and when you are feeling vulnerable people would think that they are the one's that you would reach out too! Unfortunately, that is not always the case -(I understand you sadness,anxiety concerning that!). It is such a shame that your boy is not understanding or does not seem to be understanding. It can be complex issues that cause these rifts and so it is hard to comment on that-(his), behavoir. However, I can give you an insight to how I felt about my mother at a particluar time and maybe that would help you?
She has bi-polar and I distanced myself from her emotionally and geographically. There were a lot of unresloved issues that stemmed from the past but my main influence was that I COULD NOT COPE with her illness. I was afraid I would be like her. I used to feel responible for her and in the meantime I was having problems getting my own life where I wanted it to be. So all in all there can be many reasons why our loved ones react that way they do.
I suggest that you firstly look after yourself and when you are in a crisis moment that you only reach out to those who will make you feel good about yourself or leesen how you are feeling!
Maybe your son and you need to rebuild the foundations of your relationship before anything else. Maybe!
Just surround yourslef with people who DO help. The rest will come when you are both in a good place :D:D
I really do hope that helps you? You are never really alone!:D

freeyourspirit

[syl]

Hi
Thanks all for your messages still no word from my son so tonight i thought I will take the bull by the horn and phone him
Well no answer from home phone and no answer from his mobile the only thing is on his phone it flashes up who is phoning
I know by the time i phoned he would be at home so it looks like i have to admit that things have gone worse than i hoped they would.
The only thing that worrys me now is that i have no one to put down as next of kin if anything happens to me naturally or delf inflicted sorry that is the way i feel tonight perhaps i shouldnt have had the drinks i have had but needed something my palpatations are getting worse and had three panic attacks today so felt realy rough I did think of one thing I have got a old mobile phone that my son doesnt know the number thinking later i might try phoning him on that as he wont know it is me not sure if that is the wright thing to do but what the hell
thank you all so much

[GAD]

Syl - have you heard anything yet? Let us know when you do and please try to keep your chin up no matter how hard. As you know drink is not the answer but if you needed one or two to settle you today then so be it! Please try to stop beating yourself up, these things never normally turn out as bad as they seem and if your fear is realised and your son dont want to know then will will have to try and cross that bridge when you get to it. for now try to relax and think positively - difficult i know but poosible!
Thinking of you.

Michelle.

[syl]

Hi all
well still no answer from my son.
I have been sat up all night just watching emails come on computer thinking next one might be from him. but no nothing , I tried phoning all last night but no answer,now my brain is going mad has there been a accident has something happened to them is that why i have not heard or is it down to my email.
God i really dont know what to do today ,I had to much to drink last night and my head is throbbing this morning my own fault i know.
I dont know if i should try and get the train (travel phobia) and hope i manage the journey and go down and see if they are all ok or what to do it is 190 miles from me so wouldnt be a easy journey feeling like i do
but I have heard nothing from him for 3 days so am thinking everything now
anxiaty is kicking in bad just sat here thinking about it all
dont know his works phone number , dont know any neighbours numbers, know nothing
thanks all for your kind messages

[lass]

Hi, I feel so sorry for you, I really wish I could do something to help. Maybe you just need to give him a bit of time and, as someone said earlier, perhaps he doesn't know how to cope so he runs away.

Have you got good friends around you? I think you need someone to try and keep your spirits up, and keep you busy.

Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat; not that I think I can do anything to help, but sometimes distraction and a change of subject it good.

I really hope this sorts itself out soon.

Take care,
Caroline xxx

[syl]

well still no word so i am going to try and go down to london today and find out what is going on before all this pushes me over the egde
first time i will have done a journey on my own so hope i can mannage it
fingers crossed i will get some answers

[rosebud]

hi syl

how are things? hope you are ok.try not to worry, easier said than done i know. thinking of you
traceyxxx

[syl]

well failed miserably::
was only on the train a hour and had a massive panic attack had to get of at next station (still a hor to go to finish my journey) sat on the station platform for 2 hours trying to get my head round it all .
could face going any futher so had to get the train and come home feel awfull i really thought i was going to be able to get there on my own how wrong can you be.
well still no word from my son so still sat here worrying
going to try thr journey again on monday and hopefully i might be able to complete the journey unless i hear anything before
thanks for all your messages and the help in the chat room you have all help me thank you

[tam]

hi syl press 141 before you diall the phone number of your son you can do this with home phone number or mobile .just press 141 mobile number and it wont show him whos calling.good luck.tc tracy

[syl]

Hi

To every one that was kind enough to send me messages regarding my son.
Just to let you all know I heard from him yesterday They had had builders working in there house and they had cut through telephone cable so no phone and no internet. son had his mobile stolen and was waiting for replacement from his company.
My son daughter in law and grandaughter are coming to norfolk on the 1st Dec till the 3rd so we are all going into a hotel together as I dont have enough room
so now stress levels hopefully will go down
Thank you all so much for your support it helped a lot
sylvia

[tam]

hi syl thats great news,bet your smiling today.have a great weekend in december.tc tracy