Finally talking...

[bookipsy]

Hello.

I have always lurked on this forum and various other websites. Usually to make sure that I'm not alone in my problems, sometimes to compound the issues. I thought it was about time to actually talk to others, as I have nobody close who I feel I can speak freely with.

Quick backstory...
Six years ago my three year old daughter died after a car accident. I had always suffered from minor anxiety and depression since coping with an absent father as I grew up. When my daughter died, I sank into a deep pit and am yet to poke my head out.

I suffer from anxiety - avoiding social meetings where possible, fretting over my health to the point of repeat visits to the doctor and a paranoia kind of thought process that makes me feel unwanted or unliked by family and friends.
I also have OCD and obsess over the idea of losing control of situations, which causes more health fears, increased awareness of danger and germs. Also obsessive thought patterns over my own emotions and my family.
Then, there's the depression which accompanies all of this. Suicidal thoughts are never far away and probably pop up on a daily basis, despite good or bad feelings. I self harm occasionally, too.

I am currently on 60mg (daily) of Fluoxetine and though I am offered help from doctors, it feels as if nothing moves forward. A psychologist I once saw recommended Quetiapine, but I'm yet to swallow my first tablet... for some reason.

So, I'm here. Reaching out, I guess. After waking up at 5am and pondering my problems, I thought it best to find some more help/advice.

[Kim51]

Hello.

I have always lurked on this forum and various other websites. Usually to make sure that I'm not alone in my problems, sometimes to compound the issues. I thought it was about time to actually talk to others, as I have nobody close who I feel I can speak freely with.

Quick backstory...
Six years ago my three year old daughter died after a car accident. I had always suffered from minor anxiety and depression since coping with an absent father as I grew up. When my daughter died, I sank into a deep pit and am yet to poke my head out.

I suffer from anxiety - avoiding social meetings where possible, fretting over my health to the point of repeat visits to the doctor and a paranoia kind of thought process that makes me feel unwanted or unliked by family and friends.
I also have OCD and obsess over the idea of losing control of situations, which causes more health fears, increased awareness of danger and germs. Also obsessive thought patterns over my own emotions and my family.
Then, there's the depression which accompanies all of this. Suicidal thoughts are never far away and probably pop up on a daily basis, despite good or bad feelings. I self harm occasionally, too.

I am currently on 60mg (daily) of Fluoxetine and though I am offered help from doctors, it feels as if nothing moves forward. A psychologist I once saw recommended Quetiapine, but I'm yet to swallow my first tablet... for some reason.

So, I'm here. Reaching out, I guess. After waking up at 5am and pondering my problems, I thought it best to find some more help/advice.
Hi sorry to hear you are struggling and for your loss I can't begin to imagine how that must feel. I take Quetiapine and have been since may I am on 100mg slow release a day, it has been beneficial to me and apart from very sleepy first few days I have had not her side effects, so maybe that's an option you could look at. Take care :bighug1:

[theharvestmouse]

Sorry to hear of your story, have you had a course of therapy? I can't comment on the medication, maybe it would help?

It's very difficult to break out of the rut once you get into it, I am much the same at the moment.

[Tessar]

Oh, I was reading your post bookipsy and my heart just sank when you said about your daughter, that's just so awful for you and she was so young. Really it is no wonder you are yet to poke your head out if that deep pit. I am so sorry for your loss, I really am.
How u describe feeling unwanted or unliked..... I relate to that, I really do. Many of the Other things u describe in your post ring true with me too.
You have come to the right place here. So many lovely helpful people. You will be supported and make friends.
I am wondering if since your daughter's accident, if you had any counselling, particularly bereavement counselling? In my case, CBT helped me enormity with irrational thoughts and feeling paranoid that people were talking about me, such as really thinking that colleagues were doing everything in their power to cause problems for me (when they weren't). It wasn't a good time but I did get through to the other side shall we say.
I am always hopeful that people posting here will improve too. Even though you have had such a terrible time, it is still possible for you to Improve too. I am curious to know (if u don't mind) what help you have received as I would really like to help you if I can.

[Annie0904]

I am really sorry to hear about your daughter, I can't begin to imagine how awful that is for you. I think maybe if you could ask your doctor about intense Psychotherapy? I had PTSD and the intense psychotherapy was a big help to me as it helps you to change the negative feelings and the visual images. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[bookipsy]

Thank you for making me feel very welcome!

Tessar and Annie,

I did receive some CBT in the very early days and some counselling, but, to be honest, I'm not sure I was in the right mindset to actually benefit from the help. It all kind of rolled off of me. Having just seen my doctor he is recommending another course of CBT, possible changes in medication and some in depth counselling. Hopefully these will start sooner, rather than later as I have had some very dark times recently.

[gypcyg]

Bookipsy I'm so very sorry to hear about your daughter passing over at such a young age. The pain you feel would break anyone's heart and spirit so don't be too hard on yourself. We would love to hear all about her if you would like to tell us.

[Annie0904]

I think the in depth counselling will be beneficial for you but it can be hard sometimes going through it but hopefully you will come out of it feeling better. Sending more hugs :hugs::hugs:

[Tessar]

Bookipsy, that sounds positive. Make sure you stay in touch :-)