Really struggling - depression/death and health anxiety

[sophieunderscore]

Hello Everyone,

Well I've left my PhD (see previous posts) and now I'm struggling more than ever :weep:

I find that whenever I reach a difficult point in my life, and I can't clearly see which way the future will lead, my health and death anxiety returns. I've woken up every morning for the past 2 weeks with the thought "you are going to die soon, perhaps today" in my head. I'm not worried about a particular illness, just sudden death. I can rationalise this in someways, I feel like I haven't achieved all I want to achieve yet in my life (I'm only 25, who has at that age?), so of course I don't want to die yet. However these irrational thoughts keep creeping in, and the physical symptoms don't help either. Pains in my head - aneurysm about to burst, chest pains - heart attack waiting to creep up on me. I'm reasonably healthy, except for my weight, which I'm trying to bring down, and my level of fitness which I'm trying to increase, but I feel like my time is almost up. :weep: I'm scared I'll never get through this bad patch, never get another job, and never succeed in life, and the worse part is, I feel like it'll be a self fufilling prophecy :weep:

[Raphaels]

Good morning Sophie,
At 60 I feel the same. And I have felt like this since I was 30. Not all the time but whenever stress takes over. We have no control of what life will bring so we try to control our health. Thus we make ourselves even more afraid. because basically we are healthy. I am a control freak. I cannot control what life has for me do fear is my shadow. How lovely it would be to be fearless and strong. Yet really we are all do strong. The weak crumble but we persevere. I'm afraid I will die everyday. I know people who have cancer and are so brave. I wish I could be like them.

It's all about thought process. We catastrophy if that's a spelling, everything. In our minds we think the worst. I do it everyday. We are intelligent people and we need to throw ourselves into more creative work. This will satisfy our brain. Or so I've been told. Easy isn't it. It isfor people who aren't suffering as us. Take each day as if it were your last and make the most of it. That's what I try to do each dayx

[sophieunderscore]

Thank you for your reply, I feel so awful today, constant anxiety and terrible thoughts, it's my birthday in 2 days and I'm afraid I won't even live that long :( I keep thinking how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things, and how if I die, what little impact it will have, I'm so so scared and feel so lonely :weep:

[sambomonkee]

I was the same, until, final after suicide attempts I found myself under the CMHT, they prescribed Risperidone with my anti depressant, it helps augment the anti depressant, ie makes it more powerful, but the major plus side, over night my irrational health worry stopped, it was like the fog had lifted and my thoughts cleared and allowed me to see what these thoughts where based on, that being nothing.

One of the jobs of Risperidone is to clear up the mind and stop delusional thinking, I have now been on it 2 months, and in that two months, not one health issue has bothered me (I still have the same triggers), not a thing, its been like a breath of fresh air.

Maybe worth speaking to your doc about it.

[sophieunderscore]

Thanks Sam, I will mention the thoughts being such an issue next time I go to the doctors. I see people just going about their lives and just want to shout "HOW ARE YOU NOT TERRIFIED THAT YOU COULD DIE ANY MINUTE?" - I've been through patches like this before, and deep down I know it can and will pass, but in the moment it feels so real and so scary.

[Raphaels]

Sophie
A very happy birthday in two days. You will be here. Your not going anywhere. I have wedding to go to on Sunday. My granddaughters are bridesmaids. I have for the past two months thought I won't be there to see them. So don't worry your not on your own. Intelligent people need to stimulate there minds and the only stymulus is our fear feeding our brain. Give it something else. I promise in time you will have less thoughts of dying.x

[sophieunderscore]

Thank you Raphael, deep down I know I will be fine, but it's so hard to imagine the future - I just want a stable job, a family and a happy life, and I thought I would have that by 26, but maybe I was just being young and optimistic. I've had a very blessed and easy life, and now I'm having to be a grown up I'm really struggling :blush:

[Shelly15]

This sounds so much like me I'm also scared of instant death and think I'm going to die any second I'm so scared that I don't go out my house incase I die. Every pain I have I think its a sign I constantly feel lightheaded and faint headaches. If I do have to go out to the corner shop and there's a que I fidget and feel like I'm losing my balance and I think how can these people not be scared their going to die any second I just want to scream help sometimes. I'm 25 in a month and think I'm not going to live that long

[Mrs Mul]

I suffer from these catastrophic thoughts regularly. It's worse now that I am a mother - I visualise my kids being orphans and how badly I want to be there for them. One thing that helped me was CBt in conjunction with hypnotherapy.

[sophieunderscore]

It's reassuring that other people feel like this, although I wish none of us did. I'm not getting any enjoyment out of life at the moment. just getting through each day, and then I feel worse because I'm wasting my life and will regret it in the future. I don';t know how to get out of this vicious cycle :(

[Raphaels]

Does anyone else feel worse in the daytime and get better in the evening. My anxieties are worse in the day. Then during the evening I get better.

[Shelly15]

My anxiety is worse since becoming a mum, I constantly worry he will be left on his own I also worry about his health aswell. I've done CBT I found it really helpful until half way through the course my younger brother passed away because of health problems and its set me off even worse so CBT didn't help me after that. My anxiety is worse during the day and gets better in the evening, in the day I'm really depressed that I'm just sitting at home can't even go out incase something happens where as in the evening I can relax

[Raphaels]

Shelly15
I am the same. I wait for every second for me to die. I don't go out unless I'm with someone. I dread this wedding at the weekend. Really do not want to go.
I truly believe I'm going to die. Yet no one knows when there time is up. I am so much better when I have no physical issues. When my stomach is flared up like right now I'm in hell. Waiting for my heart to hive up. But I know it's not my heart. It's anxiety. But that does not stop me from wanting reassurance. I want a life. As we all do.

[sophieunderscore]

Well it's my birthday tomorrow and I'm still here. I feel a bit on edge today still - I'm worried I will never achieve a happy life, because I'm so concerned about other people judging me and thinking I'm weird, when they probably don't even notice me! I just want to be able to get on with my life without overthinking everything :(

[Shelly15]

I'm the same I have to be with someone when I go out and I have to be near an exit so I can escape easily. My anxiety is much worse when I have a physical symptom but where I've been stressed and anxious for a few months my head is constantly tence now, and I feel off balance most of the time. I remember when I first had anxiety in August 2008 I kept saying I'm not going to make it to Xmas and even cancelled a holiday to Australia so I was convinised I was dying and I'm still here and my anxiety got better I just ignored it until this year it has come back even worse. I'm the same sophie I don't go out because people might think I'm weird and judge me I have low self estem, I just get so depressed that I had a good job a boyfriend good social life now this anxiety has come back I was scared to go to work so I left, my bf doesn't understand me so constantly arguing and I've lost so many friends because I can't go out anymore I just want my life back!

[trish1955]

omg i can relate to so many of these post mine began when i was 12 yrs old it lifted never compleatly left the fear of today might be my last never left a little twinge of any could set me off for a few days to the point were you do even feel ill any way as i say it lifted enough for me to marry and have my children six of they what kept me going so many times but i did notice every time the anxiety came back it was stronger than before over the years i tried hypnossis acupuncture counciloring cbt phycitrist done it all by for meds i was on diazipam twenty five yrs ago it did not change anything i am now 58 my kids grown up and got kids o there own and i have collected more and more fears along the way i am not afraid of medication so do take it side afffects sacre me and the older i get the more scarey the death fear gets worse any way take care all xx

[trish1955]

omg i can relate to so many of these post mine began when i was 12 yrs old it lifted never compleatly left the fear of today might be my last never left a little twinge of any could set me off for a few days to the point were you do even feel ill any way as i say it lifted enough for me to marry and have my children six of they what kept me going so many times but i did notice every time the anxiety came back it was stronger than before over the years i tried hypnossis acupuncture counciloring cbt phycitrist done it all by for meds i was on diazipam twenty five yrs ago it did not change anything i am now 58 my kids grown up and got kids o there own and i have collected more and more fears along the way i am not afraid of medication so do take it side afffects sacre me and the older i get the more scarey the death fear gets worse any way take care all xxsorry i am afraid of medication its all the side effects that scare me sorry

[sophieunderscore]

Hi Trish it's so hard isn't it? I'm feeling very isolated at the moment, I feel like I'm living in my own little bubble where I know this terrible thing will happen one day (death) and noone else seems to bat an eyelid! Not sure if that makes sense, but it's a horrible feeling. I'm also feeling more and more like death is just around the corner for me, and it's so hard to rationalise.

[JuniorMcG1987]

Hey Sophie,

I'm also 25 and have been suffering from similar symptoms & fears as yourself for going on 2 years now! :wacko: my irrational thoughts are more centred on having a heart attack or fainting in public (even though I've never fainted before) I like you feel that I still have lots to achieve in life but for the moment this is holding me back, I've had the trips too the doctors / A&E to be told all is well which seems to reassure me for a while and then the thoughts start to creep back in:unsure: I know I'm perfectly healthy but it's just difficult shaking off these fears especially when I have a physical symptom such as cold hands.

Things are going well for me at the moment I have my own house, dream car & a ok job so I'm pretty comfortable and can't complain but I just wish I could be laid back & out going like I used to be :)

Try taking each day as it comes & sorry for the rant :D x

[natperez89]

Hi sophie im kinda going trough the same thing. How are you coping?