gidget's mom
23-10-13, 15:19
Found this place last night as I was looking for online relief for my health fears. I've had three major health fear episodes. The first occurred in college 30 years ago. It was a cold environment run by clergy and nuns who were scary and hateful. I developed health anxiety that was so horrific my mother had to come and get me. A few years later I had the worse episode of health anxiety when I was newly married to a man whose parents were cold and indifferent to me. I was alone in a new city and developed horrible symptoms. Fortunately, I found a good shrink who through hard work put me back together after about two years. Pregnancy cured most of my anxieties until now. Currently, the company I have worked for 20 years has become a nightmare. I especially dislike the atmosphere of suspicion, back stabbing and hate. It reminds me of my college environment. So I began to develop "symptoms" again and excessive worry about my health with dark dark thoughts. Through the years, I have been able to curb these thoughts due to a demanding job, single parenting my daughter, and enjoying my home. I am certain that the environment at work is doing this to me. I was hospitalized Monday night for severe pain (I believe it was a gall bladder attack). They did an ultra sound and found no evidence of any disease but I am following up with my GI today. I see him for management of my Crohns disease which is real. I do think he will make me have a special scan to see how my gall bladder empties bile and if it's not working properly, I will have it out. These episodes come and go about 5 times in the last 5 years. I'm prepared for that news but I am petrified nonetheless. To some people, having a gall bladder out would be a non-event but for a sufferer like me, it brings to mind all kinds of fears. I hate tests and I hate waiting for the results! I did have a nice break from work but know I have to go back as soon as possible to that horrible environment. Here in the USA there are few jobs and although I haven't look too hard, at 57, I'm not sure how employable I am any longer. So today, I see my GI who will tell me what he thinks my next step should be. I refused a CT scan in the hospital when the ultra sound came back negative. The ER doc said my liver, pancreas, gall bladder were fine but I keep thinking perhaps I have liver cancer from an undiagnosed tumor somewhere. I can't get these thoughts out of my head today. But I know that when I am in a place that is unloving, unwelcoming, cold, such as work, my marriage and college, I often turn to "symptoms". My long ago shrink called them "hat racks" to keep you from thinking about the pain of being alone.
Wish me luck today.
Wish me luck today.