Mistabig2006
24-10-13, 11:41
Just got home from my first appointment with my CPN, it's taken many years to pluck up the courage to ask for help and the woman I spoke to was a breath of fresh air. I was told to pop on here for a read but feel I should join in on the discussions.
A brief history is as follows. I grew up in a home plagued by mental health issues, my mother was addicted to prescription medication and was physically abusive to myself and my brother. The home life was terrifying and all chores were left to myself and my older brother, failure to properly complete these chores resulted in severe physical punishment from my mother and often my father when he returned home from work.
We were left to raise ourselves and only had each other to rely on, however as I got older my parents split and my father moved out. After a particularly horrific incident at my mother's house we both moved to live with my father. Things started to brighten up from there. I found myself thrown into an area virtually closed off from the chaos which blighted the rest of the town with a group of friends I could trust. I ended up in what can only be described as an agony aunt type role within our group, with almost everyone confiding in me when things were getting rough. This is a role which has continued to this day.
As an adult I've spent the last 12 years being a carer for my wife who had a very similar childhood to my own. She'd suffered from depression from a very young age and given the role I'd previously found myself in, I had a position from which I could offer support and help. Over this 12 year period we have been surrounded by tragedy, and I always told myself I could deal with it. As the years went by I was slowly beaten down by circumstances outwith our control, and now I find myself drowning in stress and severe depression.
Over the last year the number of times I've left the house barely reaches double figures, and when I have managed to get out I've suffered crippling anxiety. Things hit breaking point recently when I had a few friend round for a few beers and a catch up. I decided to be honest once and for all about what had been going on, I'd been judged and called lazy for not getting out and about and it all got on top of me. I completely fell apart that night and told the closest people in my life my darkest secret, that I had been considering suicide, I couldn't face the real world and I'd spent the previous 6 months on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
As you could imagine this didn't go down well, with advice ranging from "get over it" to "if you start exercising it'll stop you feeling sad all the time". That night my wife called NHS 24 and got me talking to a nurse, this helped to take the edge off and the following day I had a home visit from my GP. From that point I was prescribed 30mg of mirtazapine once a day and my mood slowly started to lift.
The anxiety of going out still haunts me and my mood has been on it's way down for a few weeks but today I took a massive leap and headed off to my first appointment with my new CPN. This woman had dug up everything she could find about me and my illness, she was armed with facts and history which made the whole thing so much easier. Rather than having to go over everything I'd already told my GP she gave a summary of how things were up until now, she understood me and had a good grasp of my current state of mind. This is a woman who seems experienced and knowledgeable and doesn't sugar coat anything. It's exactly what I need.
I've been told that my file indicates my depression is scored at 15, I've no idea what this means or which scale it's judged on, but she understands the complexity of my issues and is focused on ensuring I can at some point return to some sort of a normal life.
I know this is a bit of a rant, but I feel I have to get it out there, even of nobody will ever read it. I'm just hopeful that from today this can be the start of my recovery.
As most of you will understand there are so many layers and aspects of my illness which means it's likely to take some time to get to the bottom of it all, but now that there's a growing support network I'm taking a positive view of the future.
I had started mountain climbing with my closest friend almost two years ago so I understand the effort and hard work required to reach great heights, this fight though is my Everest. Much in the same way as when I'm out on the hills, I am taking it one step at a time, I just hope I have the stamina to complete my journey.
A brief history is as follows. I grew up in a home plagued by mental health issues, my mother was addicted to prescription medication and was physically abusive to myself and my brother. The home life was terrifying and all chores were left to myself and my older brother, failure to properly complete these chores resulted in severe physical punishment from my mother and often my father when he returned home from work.
We were left to raise ourselves and only had each other to rely on, however as I got older my parents split and my father moved out. After a particularly horrific incident at my mother's house we both moved to live with my father. Things started to brighten up from there. I found myself thrown into an area virtually closed off from the chaos which blighted the rest of the town with a group of friends I could trust. I ended up in what can only be described as an agony aunt type role within our group, with almost everyone confiding in me when things were getting rough. This is a role which has continued to this day.
As an adult I've spent the last 12 years being a carer for my wife who had a very similar childhood to my own. She'd suffered from depression from a very young age and given the role I'd previously found myself in, I had a position from which I could offer support and help. Over this 12 year period we have been surrounded by tragedy, and I always told myself I could deal with it. As the years went by I was slowly beaten down by circumstances outwith our control, and now I find myself drowning in stress and severe depression.
Over the last year the number of times I've left the house barely reaches double figures, and when I have managed to get out I've suffered crippling anxiety. Things hit breaking point recently when I had a few friend round for a few beers and a catch up. I decided to be honest once and for all about what had been going on, I'd been judged and called lazy for not getting out and about and it all got on top of me. I completely fell apart that night and told the closest people in my life my darkest secret, that I had been considering suicide, I couldn't face the real world and I'd spent the previous 6 months on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
As you could imagine this didn't go down well, with advice ranging from "get over it" to "if you start exercising it'll stop you feeling sad all the time". That night my wife called NHS 24 and got me talking to a nurse, this helped to take the edge off and the following day I had a home visit from my GP. From that point I was prescribed 30mg of mirtazapine once a day and my mood slowly started to lift.
The anxiety of going out still haunts me and my mood has been on it's way down for a few weeks but today I took a massive leap and headed off to my first appointment with my new CPN. This woman had dug up everything she could find about me and my illness, she was armed with facts and history which made the whole thing so much easier. Rather than having to go over everything I'd already told my GP she gave a summary of how things were up until now, she understood me and had a good grasp of my current state of mind. This is a woman who seems experienced and knowledgeable and doesn't sugar coat anything. It's exactly what I need.
I've been told that my file indicates my depression is scored at 15, I've no idea what this means or which scale it's judged on, but she understands the complexity of my issues and is focused on ensuring I can at some point return to some sort of a normal life.
I know this is a bit of a rant, but I feel I have to get it out there, even of nobody will ever read it. I'm just hopeful that from today this can be the start of my recovery.
As most of you will understand there are so many layers and aspects of my illness which means it's likely to take some time to get to the bottom of it all, but now that there's a growing support network I'm taking a positive view of the future.
I had started mountain climbing with my closest friend almost two years ago so I understand the effort and hard work required to reach great heights, this fight though is my Everest. Much in the same way as when I'm out on the hills, I am taking it one step at a time, I just hope I have the stamina to complete my journey.