Col
25-10-13, 17:51
Some of u guys know my story, I've been on NMP since 2011! I've met some great people and when I was bad I was every part of the word bad - with regards to the severity of my panic attacks.
My panic attacks came as a culmination of years of family/racial/personal issues.
These included my mum being sectioned , my brother hasn't spoken to my mum for years, my dad having a child to another women, my mum abusing me and cursing my husband (then boyfriend) when I had my first child. She used to take out all frustration between her and my dads volatile relationship & project it onto my relationship with my lovely husband whom I've now been married to for nearly a decade - she never married dad - big issue for her.
Then my hubby - his family Pakistani & did not want to know me but especially my baby for 3 years because I was what they refer to as a westerner! They would reference their behaviour to Islam - an insult to Islam because no religion would expect grandparents to simply ignore an innocent child/grandchild for 3 years. Consequently We married then they began to accept! However - we were between houses & I moved in to the in-laws. I was on cloud nine, always angry that my little girl of then 3 who's now 11, was ignored. But being married at last & finally commitment between me & hubby I was ecstatic! It all fell into place? Not really, for 5 years we got stuck there due to property slump & that was not the primary problem - I was essentially bullied - their way or the highway. Head butting hell, cultural differences - my parents lack of understanding blah blah. So 20 when I had my daughter and between all this I've owned 3 houses, gained a BSc, learnt to drive and a baby boy arrived 2009!
So Nov 2010 we finally bought a lovely house nice area fantastic schools. I had started my PGCE also very hard With 2 kids & house move & so.....I started to get ill! panic attacks - basically I had a brake down & was told by GP to stop whatever I was doing and go home and scrub floors, as I needed NO stimulus.
The crap still continues BUT we are older & wiser and won't suffer fools family or not! It's also better in terms of finally not living with my mum as I was with first child & better because not at in laws as with second child. But a very unlucky start to moving in to our long awaited dream new home and having ALL this stress finally catching up with me! Affecting then my future career & a financial knock as Ive not worked/studied since 2011 ! other than a bit of volunteering!
Now I'm pregnant 3rd & final time! I can't wait to see the baby BUT the anxiety over the labour IS KILLING ME! But with a baby to think of its weired and back to the title of this thread - it's made me have to face my demons! Feeling out of control vomiting, constant dizziness, feeling frankly weired, visual problems, being tested , attending hospital and antenatal appointments! I've had to deal with it weather I like it or not!!!! As Before, just sitting in the docs surgery I'd have been fidgitting, heart racing etc & I think God that was easy then, now my worry constantly focuses on my baby and trying NOT to make myself worse by trying not to get mysnelf so wound up that i end up provoking nasty pregnancy issues due to my anxiety! It's soo hard as I said I'm crippled by GAD! In middle of the night flash dreams of dramatic medical scenes. Me bleeding to death, placental rupture, tearing again & worse, being wheeled to the theatre all these things just crippling me. I don't feel strong enough to give birth - its just rotten. BUT it makes me look back at B4 pregnancy & I think God , Collette you really had nothing to worry about. NOW U DO!
Also the luck aspect creeps in, am I just damn unlucky because today I finally booked to get my dry scalp and vision checked to be met with a wagon full of questions by receptionist ? Claiming she needed to ask my symptoms so that she'd slot me in with the correct practitioner. Only to be given a slot with the nurse! I never go to the GP & after getting enough money to top up phone by £10 to phone their rediculous 08444 number?? And because I've had enough of midwife /hospital stuff, I finally book the courrage to phone & I get the bloody nurse?? I cancelled an hour before the appointment as I realised, the nurse is one of the mums at my daughters school & I feel uncomfortable talking about personal stuff with her. Meanwhile my mums had gallbladder out and not gone well, can't get to see her as I've got pelvic dysfunction & reffered to urgent physio - and my brother not being around, it just always makes me carry that extra burden & more pressure from my mum! I've got 2 kids to look after already, my hubby works like a dog & also today my roberovski dwarf hamster found dead by my 11year old & my 4 year old decided to put navy blue felt tip (massive scribble) on his cream bedroom carpet??? Yesterday my car seat was recalled after weeks of saving money for it & over the last few weeks we've had issue with boiler, car broke down, I had to have a growth scan for the baby as she was measuring smaller.
GOSH what have I done to deserve all this???? Yep make your bed lie in it as its always harder with kids but, I love my kids they are my career. Its all the rest that's making me very synical & making me think those flash nightmares in the middle of the night are going to come true.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. :emot-fail::emot-fail::emot-fail:
My panic attacks came as a culmination of years of family/racial/personal issues.
These included my mum being sectioned , my brother hasn't spoken to my mum for years, my dad having a child to another women, my mum abusing me and cursing my husband (then boyfriend) when I had my first child. She used to take out all frustration between her and my dads volatile relationship & project it onto my relationship with my lovely husband whom I've now been married to for nearly a decade - she never married dad - big issue for her.
Then my hubby - his family Pakistani & did not want to know me but especially my baby for 3 years because I was what they refer to as a westerner! They would reference their behaviour to Islam - an insult to Islam because no religion would expect grandparents to simply ignore an innocent child/grandchild for 3 years. Consequently We married then they began to accept! However - we were between houses & I moved in to the in-laws. I was on cloud nine, always angry that my little girl of then 3 who's now 11, was ignored. But being married at last & finally commitment between me & hubby I was ecstatic! It all fell into place? Not really, for 5 years we got stuck there due to property slump & that was not the primary problem - I was essentially bullied - their way or the highway. Head butting hell, cultural differences - my parents lack of understanding blah blah. So 20 when I had my daughter and between all this I've owned 3 houses, gained a BSc, learnt to drive and a baby boy arrived 2009!
So Nov 2010 we finally bought a lovely house nice area fantastic schools. I had started my PGCE also very hard With 2 kids & house move & so.....I started to get ill! panic attacks - basically I had a brake down & was told by GP to stop whatever I was doing and go home and scrub floors, as I needed NO stimulus.
The crap still continues BUT we are older & wiser and won't suffer fools family or not! It's also better in terms of finally not living with my mum as I was with first child & better because not at in laws as with second child. But a very unlucky start to moving in to our long awaited dream new home and having ALL this stress finally catching up with me! Affecting then my future career & a financial knock as Ive not worked/studied since 2011 ! other than a bit of volunteering!
Now I'm pregnant 3rd & final time! I can't wait to see the baby BUT the anxiety over the labour IS KILLING ME! But with a baby to think of its weired and back to the title of this thread - it's made me have to face my demons! Feeling out of control vomiting, constant dizziness, feeling frankly weired, visual problems, being tested , attending hospital and antenatal appointments! I've had to deal with it weather I like it or not!!!! As Before, just sitting in the docs surgery I'd have been fidgitting, heart racing etc & I think God that was easy then, now my worry constantly focuses on my baby and trying NOT to make myself worse by trying not to get mysnelf so wound up that i end up provoking nasty pregnancy issues due to my anxiety! It's soo hard as I said I'm crippled by GAD! In middle of the night flash dreams of dramatic medical scenes. Me bleeding to death, placental rupture, tearing again & worse, being wheeled to the theatre all these things just crippling me. I don't feel strong enough to give birth - its just rotten. BUT it makes me look back at B4 pregnancy & I think God , Collette you really had nothing to worry about. NOW U DO!
Also the luck aspect creeps in, am I just damn unlucky because today I finally booked to get my dry scalp and vision checked to be met with a wagon full of questions by receptionist ? Claiming she needed to ask my symptoms so that she'd slot me in with the correct practitioner. Only to be given a slot with the nurse! I never go to the GP & after getting enough money to top up phone by £10 to phone their rediculous 08444 number?? And because I've had enough of midwife /hospital stuff, I finally book the courrage to phone & I get the bloody nurse?? I cancelled an hour before the appointment as I realised, the nurse is one of the mums at my daughters school & I feel uncomfortable talking about personal stuff with her. Meanwhile my mums had gallbladder out and not gone well, can't get to see her as I've got pelvic dysfunction & reffered to urgent physio - and my brother not being around, it just always makes me carry that extra burden & more pressure from my mum! I've got 2 kids to look after already, my hubby works like a dog & also today my roberovski dwarf hamster found dead by my 11year old & my 4 year old decided to put navy blue felt tip (massive scribble) on his cream bedroom carpet??? Yesterday my car seat was recalled after weeks of saving money for it & over the last few weeks we've had issue with boiler, car broke down, I had to have a growth scan for the baby as she was measuring smaller.
GOSH what have I done to deserve all this???? Yep make your bed lie in it as its always harder with kids but, I love my kids they are my career. Its all the rest that's making me very synical & making me think those flash nightmares in the middle of the night are going to come true.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. :emot-fail::emot-fail::emot-fail: